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jade
Feb 9, 2005, 12:20 AM
I am taking a survey. So here is the deal

1. Do you have many friends of the oppsite sex?
2. Of these friends, are they mostly exes or potentials? Or are they something else entireley?
3. How often do you go out with these friends?
4. What do you do with them, when you do hang out with them?

Ok that's it. but here is the real question, can men and women be friends. Personally I have a pretty strange situtation, the guy friends I have typically become close to are gay or not my type. Guy friends who might have crossed into the "potential" side never last very long. And now I have an old friend on the "potential" side. When we met we went to the same parties and so on. These days he wants to "hang out." But I ask myself, who "hangs out" with their guy friends (of course or vice versa)

Thanks for your thoughts.

AliensAreFuzzy
Feb 9, 2005, 12:33 AM
Well, Personally I have a lot of girls with whom I am just friends. Not potentials or exes or anything (I've never even had a girlfriend). Just friends that I hang out with. You know, go out as a group to movies or coffee houses for studying or just to relax and talk. And I actually hang out with them quite a bit. Really, they are just people who I can talk to and they feel comfortable talking to me. It's really nice

clayj
Feb 9, 2005, 12:34 AM
1. Yes.
2. Mostly, they are married, and I am also friends with their husbands. I also have quite a few female friends that are not in any way potentials (i.e., I'm not attracted to them, but I still hang out with them), and a few that are potentials. I don't have any exes (which may tell you something).
3. Occasionally... there's no set pattern.
4. Usually dinner, bars, sometimes a movie or a party.

I believe you CAN have platonic relationships, when both sides understand that at least one side is not interested in the other side "that way" and at least one side is already seeing someone else. But when both people are single, it can get a little awkward.

russed
Feb 9, 2005, 05:01 AM
1. i would say i have an equal number of really close male and female friends, so yes i have quite a few good friends of the opposite sex
2.none of them are exes or potentials as i just feel like i know them so well, and also i have got a girlfriend of 3 years
3. when i am back at home (im at uni) i would say we meet up 3 - 4 times a week. when we were at school we would spend lunchtimes and after shool together then prob friday nights and sometimes even saturdays.
4. we go to the pub frequently, just sit around and chat, its good when we can just catch up as we obviously dont get to see them during term time as we are all at other parts of the country. also, we quite often go on trips places (like our what now appears to be an annual trip to alton towers!)

what is really good is that my really good friends are also my girlfriends really good friends so its just like one big group of us!

i'm getting sentimental here! :)

Lacero
Feb 9, 2005, 05:04 AM
Once your married, forget having friends of the opposite sex.

combatcolin
Feb 9, 2005, 05:50 AM
When Harry Met Sally.

My girlfriend dosn't seem to mind.

Flirting is always fun, but could lead to difficulties if the other person wants more.

Blue Velvet
Feb 9, 2005, 05:52 AM
Yes – however most of them are gay men...

Applespider
Feb 9, 2005, 06:01 AM
Yes and no.

I had a lot more male friends when they were single. As they've paired off, most of their partners haven't been able to handle it and have encouraged them to end the friendship (even where it was platonic).

I used to think that men and women could be just platonic friends but I'd have to disagree now. Even my closest male friend has made suggestions...

MentalFabric
Feb 9, 2005, 06:07 AM
I have many female friends, i think it's mainly down to whether the people in question can control their hormones :-)
Mind you, I'd probably be called 'almost gay'
*doesn't believe in sex OR dating*

Blue Velvet
Feb 9, 2005, 06:27 AM
*doesn't believe in sex OR dating*

I thought you were 'a rockstar, baby' ?

*disappointed*

Brize
Feb 9, 2005, 06:32 AM
Mind you, I'd probably be called 'almost gay'
*doesn't believe in sex OR dating*

Huh? How does this make you 'almost gay'? Do gay people not believe in sex or dating?

iGary
Feb 9, 2005, 06:39 AM
I have tons of really close female friends.

But, then again, most women enjoy the company of gay men for some reason. ;)

MentalFabric
Feb 9, 2005, 06:41 AM
I thought you were 'a rockstar, baby' ?

*disappointed*

heh, Sorry! I believe i should love everyone equally, and that sex is merely a reproductive action. I live to parent those who already exist, so to speak :-)

MentalFabric
Feb 9, 2005, 06:42 AM
Huh? How does this make you 'almost gay'? Do gay people not believe in sex or dating?

No, I don't think I'm like a gay person, but I look like a woman and people often get confused.

Brize
Feb 9, 2005, 06:53 AM
No, I don't think I'm like a gay person, but I look like a woman and people often get confused.

I see. So your appearance is somewhat androgynous, and people therefore consider you to be gay once they establish that you're male? If so, that's disappointing.

brap
Feb 9, 2005, 07:01 AM
No, I don't think I'm like a gay person, but I look like a woman and people often get confused.
Wow. See what you mean (http://www.geocities.com/mentalfabricmusic/meguitar.jpg).

I had goffik black hair and a somewhat androgynous appearance once upon a time, too. Fun, innit? Became boring after a while, though.

Back on topic, yeah, I have female friends, though few. But I have few male friends, too. I tend to stay on really good terms with my ex-girlfriends, except the nasty ones ;)
Don't get much chance to hang out, though... all my old friends are in Nottingham. I'm 200 miles away, and totally not diggin' the University thing. Not made a single 'real' friend, it's all transient.

Blue Velvet
Feb 9, 2005, 07:01 AM
I see. So your appearance is somewhat androgynous, and people therefore consider you to be gay once they establish that you're male? If so, that's disappointing.

Not to Vniow... or so she says... (http://forums.macrumors.com/showthread.php?p=1117165#post1117165) :)

juicedus
Feb 9, 2005, 07:09 AM
I got tons of female friends.....mostly b/c they were girls that I thought I would like to start something with but turns out that I'm just not their type.......seems to happen often........I was telling one of my good friends that I'm cursed with having cool girls for friends but the girls I date turn out to be head-cases

Brize
Feb 9, 2005, 07:13 AM
Not to Vniow... or so she says... (http://forums.macrumors.com/showthread.php?p=1117165#post1117165) :)

Ah, I've a feeling that my previous comment may be open to misinterpretation.

Just to clarify: I don't consider it disappointing that your appearance may be androgynous, just that people often rely on such appearances as an indicator of sexual orientation.

gwuMACaddict
Feb 9, 2005, 07:50 AM
1. of course
2. 1/4 might be ex's/potentials.
3. regular basis, once-twice a week
4. bars/movies/clubs/wine tasting/shopping/etc

this topic remind me of 'when harry met sally'

aksmax
Feb 9, 2005, 08:01 AM
Try asking your gay friends about this. Remember, for gay people, they want to:

1) be friends with
2) emulate or be like
3) are attracted to

at least the same gender, if not the same individuals. If anyone knows the ins and outs of juggling these kinds of relatinships, it's your gay friends.

iGav
Feb 9, 2005, 08:10 AM
1. Yes. My female friends greatly outnumber my male friends. I'm one of the girls... ;)

2. Some are exes, my 2 best friends are 2 ex girlfriends. I honestly don't see other female friends as 'potentials' that sounds abit creepy. I see them as friends, with differing degrees of closeness. Gender doesn't and indeed hasn't ever come into the equation, nor does sexuality, or race etc etc when it comes to developing friendships.

3. I spend most of my time with them. It never crosses my mind that I do seem to spend most of my time in a big gaggle of girls.

4. We go to bars, films, exhibitions, gigs, collaborate on projects together, go on holiday, or just plain crash out in someones lounge kick back to some choons and just talk.

zim
Feb 9, 2005, 08:27 AM
Once your married, forget having friends of the opposite sex.

Not true... I am married, happily, and have friends of the opposite sex.

All of my female friends, ones that I would call friend and not acquaintance, know or are friends of my wife. If we get together, it is usually to go to an art exhibit or museum possibly dinner as a group.

VincentVega
Feb 9, 2005, 08:28 AM
1. No. I have no female friends.
2. Not applicable.
3. Not applicable.
4. Not applicable.

The only female "acquaintance" I have is the wife of one of my schoolfriends. I see the two of them three or four times a year at most. So I don't think that counts.

rhpenguin
Feb 9, 2005, 08:37 AM
1. Yeah i would say so.
2. Just friends. Im not a big fan of "typical relationships" (and that doesnt mean im just after sex either. Just means i dont like to be tied down.)
3. Often. Weekends usualy. Or catch a cup o' joe after im done work at night.
4. Unreal on the LAN, watch movies, do eachothers hair, look at tattoos/piercings etc...

Jovian9
Feb 9, 2005, 09:16 AM
Once your married, forget having friends of the opposite sex.

I would have to disagree with this........I still have lots of friends who are female.
But........before I was married a majority of my friends were female, now a majority are male.

wordmunger
Feb 9, 2005, 09:23 AM
I think opposite-gender friends work best when it's VERY clear there's no chance for romance. I'm married and have several married female friends. Usually we just meet for lunch, or chat on e-mail. One is in my poker group. Or we get together as couples.

Savage Henry
Feb 9, 2005, 09:24 AM
1. More female friends than men; infact, my personal study has revealed that the increasing number of female friends is directly linked to the increasing length of my hair ... at the moment fringe is down to my chin.

2. Just entirely friends ... no potentials, no ex's (never been one for 'staying friends') ... they are just friends and never will be anything else.

3. Occasioanlly go out with these friends, but I'd rather spend most of my time with my lady.

4. Eat, drink, film, occasional long distance trip inland .... just 'hanging' has never been a problem for any party concerned.

7on
Feb 9, 2005, 09:25 AM
I only have 2 semi-close female friends - both whom are potentials

I have a lot of female acquaintances but I only chill with them because they hang with my male friends or these two female friends.

And because I also do not flirt or agitate women, I too have been accused of homosexuality and have been "hit on" by many gay men... ugh

I prefer to fall in love with a woman who goes after me. And also many women my age don't want to settle down - and that's the type of relationship I'm looking for.

Blue Velvet
Feb 9, 2005, 09:33 AM
I too have been accused of homosexuality and have been "hit on" by many gay men... ugh

It's nothing to be 'accused' of...

And as well as being flattered, being hit upon gives you an insight into what many women put up with each day...

7on
Feb 9, 2005, 09:56 AM
I won't mind it if women also flirted with me, but they don't. So it kinda freaks me out.

Blue Velvet
Feb 9, 2005, 09:59 AM
I won't mind it if women also flirted with me, but they don't. So it kinda freaks me out.

Don't worry, be comfortable with yourself.
Be comfortable with saying 'No'.

If that's you in your 'tar then you're a good-looking guy.
Remember that many women would rather you made the first move...

MentalFabric
Feb 9, 2005, 11:02 AM
Ah, I've a feeling that my previous comment may be open to misinterpretation.

Just to clarify: I don't consider it disappointing that your appearance may be androgynous, just that people often rely on such appearances as an indicator of sexual orientation.

You're telling me. This one's quite a pain in the ass. I think we've a long way to go till people will ever get past appearances :P

MentalFabric
Feb 9, 2005, 11:05 AM
Wow. See what you mean (http://www.geocities.com/mentalfabricmusic/meguitar.jpg).

I had goffik black hair and a somewhat androgynous appearance once upon a time, too. Fun, innit? Became boring after a while, though.

Please don't associate me with goths, they're as bad as the rest! ;) I just dress the way I feel looks best. I wouldn't really call it fun, although it kinda is, it's just the way I like to look :)

clayj
Feb 9, 2005, 11:20 AM
And because I also do not flirt or agitate women, I too have been accused of homosexuality and have been "hit on" by many gay men... I haven't been hit on by any gay men, but I have had a couple of women I've met ask me if I was gay, because I'm into art and culture and I'm articulate and I dress well... and I don't have a girlfriend hanging off my arm. (Dangit.)

(Strangely, I've also been asked if I was *Jewish*, simply because I know a lot about what's going on in the Middle East and because I know kosherite law better than a lot of Jewish people do. I'm not Jewish... but I do play one on TV. :) )

jasylonian
Feb 9, 2005, 11:27 AM
1. My best friends are female
2. I have never been attracted to any of my best female friends
3. They've spread out to the corners of the Earth, and none of them live near me anymore, so I hang out with them every blue moon, but mostly it's just communication.
4. Things usually associated with food and drink.

This thread brings to mind a question that has been plaguing me for quite a while: Should friendship be considered as included within love, or is it really possible to be in a loving relationship without being friends?

A jealous boyfriend of one of my female friends once complained about how much time she was spending with me. They were long distance at the time, and then she brought him out to meet me. After he met me, he declared me officially "harmless" and he wholeheartedly approved of all the time she spent with me after that. I feel like the title of a Douglas Adams novel, only without the "mostly."

Lyle
Feb 9, 2005, 11:27 AM
Not true... I am married, happily, and have friends of the opposite sex.

All of my female friends, ones that I would call friend and not acquaintance, know or are friends of my wife. If we get together, it is usually to go to an art exhibit or museum possibly dinner as a group.I think you've hit the nail on the head, and that's that for married folks it's usually the case (indeed, a "requirement") that:

Your spouse also knows and is friends with the FOUS (Friend of Opposite Sex).
You don't get together with that FOUS when your spouse isn't around too.

I guess I'll take wordmunger at his word when he says:
I'm married and have several married female friends. Usually we just meet for lunch, or chat on e-mail.... but I'm awfully skeptical that his wife is OK with that. There is no way that my wife would be cool with me meeting another woman for lunch, or chatting with another woman via e-mail. (And, to be fair, I'd feel the same way if the situation were reversed.)

PlaceofDis
Feb 9, 2005, 12:03 PM
1. yes, in fact all my friends are female, i have virtually no guy friends
2. none are potentials, some used to be but are no longer, and maybe one is an ex, they really are just friends, i am in a relationship ship right now, and so are some of them, but even when im single, and they are as well we are just friends, we get along and have fun together, there doesnt need to be a need to want more.
3. i see my friends every day, go out every week doing whatever, lunch, dinner, whatever
4. we party, we go to movies, whatever floats our boat, shopping, you name it

the thing is that we just have no interest in one another as more than a friend, we recognize each other's faults and we know their greatest attributes, but we also know that we wouldnt work, although there is one girl that if i was single, and she were, we would probably try a date or two, but thats a rarity, we value our friendship, and guys and girls CAN be just friends, its not impossible, rare? yes

Eevee
Feb 9, 2005, 12:37 PM
1. Yes, before I got married. (You can't AND shouldn't when you're married! Lyle and Lacero are right!)
2. Non exes (too strange and too much hurtful memories), but many potentials before married
3. Before married, daily
4. Hang out at bars, study together, go to the beach, watch movies

Can men and women be TRUE friends? No, not really (RARE cases do occur, don't get me wrong). The reason: one or both parties have agendas - to see if this person is the one. Also when you are close to someone, you form a strong "emotional" bond with that person. You trust this person with your secrets, feelings, thoughts, and most important, your heart. Thus this "bond" is strong and hard to break. And once he/she found a significant other who is not you, you feel happy for him/her, but at the same time betrayed.

Jade, are you interested in this guy who might be "potential" (not necessary to get married to)? He is for sure and he has made his move on the chess board. Now it's your turn.

Leareth
Feb 9, 2005, 01:10 PM
More male friends than female.
Can't stand most female friends with their hormone induced mood swings and latest fashion/diet craze
Guys are at least more predictable.
None of my guy friends are potentials nor ex's, I rather be good friends with a guy than an ok ex BF now friend.
As to what we do, group dinners, pub, sports, computer games, computers, hang out at the local coffee shops drinking good java and having a great conversation. Other wise I am so busy with schoolwork that I dont have time to be sociable.

mpw
Feb 9, 2005, 01:33 PM
...being hit upon gives you an insight into what many women put up with each day...

I wish I had to 'put up with' women hitting on me.

...Remember that many women would rather you made the first move...

Then if they like you they'll say yes and if they don't you'll be one of those they're 'putting up with'.

1) I've got one close female friend and maybe three or four close male friends. Of the not so close friends I'd say it's roughly 50/50 male female.
2) I’m happily married so I don’t see any of the girls I know as potentials but some were when we were all single. It’s a funny thing really I never made any secret of whether I ‘fancied’ these girls before I was married but for whatever reason often nothing came of anything. But I’m amazed how many girls have come to me since I’ve been married and said that they used to have a thing for me but never let me know! Why would you do that? There’s a couple who I could easily have settled down with we get on so well.
3) Not nearly often enough since wife & kids came about.
4) The beauty of those close friends I have is that even if I haven't seen them for ages we all feel we can just start back where we left off, there's never any awkwardness. I hadn’t seen my close female friend for over 2years when I happened to bump into her in a pub. We were catching up etc. when I made some silly comment to one of the guys in the group she was with about the things she and I used to get up to turns out this guy was her fiancé which could have been quite embarrassing for all concerned had it not been that our closeness even after 2years just seemed to make it OK between me and her and our friendship meant that even if her fiancé had a problem with it it was obvious she wasn’t going to let that be a problem.

Same deal with my male friends. One of these guys came knocking at my door out of the blue after months of no contact and asked if he could borrow a substantial amount of money. It didn’t even occur to me to question why or what for or feel aggrieved that this was the reason that he made contact. If anything it was good to know he felt he could. True to his word the money was paid back as soon as he could and I know that he’d do the same for me if the tables were turned.

vniow
Feb 9, 2005, 01:41 PM
Wow. See what you mean (http://www.geocities.com/mentalfabricmusic/meguitar.jpg).

http://forums.designtechnica.com/images/smilies/drool.gif

Not to Vniow... or so she says... (http://forums.macrumors.com/showthread.php?p=1117165#post1117165) :)

The world would be a better place if more boys wore more makeup.

http://forums.designtechnica.com/images/smilies/drool.gifhttp://forums.designtechnica.com/images/smilies/drool.gifhttp://forums.designtechnica.com/images/smilies/drool.gif

zach
Feb 9, 2005, 01:49 PM
infact, my personal study has revealed that the increasing number of female friends is directly linked to the increasing length of my hair ... at the moment fringe is down to my chin.


I'd have to agree completely! Although I am ::sort of:: joking, I used to have basically no female friends, but ever since I let my hair grow out, I actually have more female friends than male friends.

I'm pretty sure I know why the hair makes a difference. I woke up at one of said female friends house and found my hair braided, gelled, ponytailed, etc into a really weird appearance. Women must just like playing with my hair.

XD.

Littleodie914
Feb 9, 2005, 02:50 PM
1) Yea, I actually have quite a few friends of the opposite sex. (I'm a junior in high school, for reference.)

2) They're actually a bit of the three... I have two friends that are ex's, one that's a potential, and probably 12-15 that are truly sincerely friends. I have a female cousin that's in the same grade as me, a few months younger, so I kinda first met them through her. (Haha and no, I'm not gay. :rolleyes: )

3) I go out with them once every couple weekends. I'm pretty big into academics, as well as athletics, as opposed to a social fiend. 60/40, I guess.

4) Sometimes we hang out, like go over to other people's houses and watch movies, sometimes I'm a date with one of them to a dance, like a few weeks ago I went with a girl from another school to just one of their normal dances, and last fall I went with a girl as our junior homecoming rep, and we're all just friends.

Littleodie914
Feb 9, 2005, 02:53 PM
I got tons of female friends.....mostly b/c they were girls that I thought I would like to start something with but turns out that I'm just not their type.......seems to happen often........I was telling one of my good friends that I'm cursed with having cool girls for friends but the girls I date turn out to be head-casesHaha you're not alone, my friend... I thought it was a curse that followed me and me alone ;) :rolleyes: :D

Savage Henry
Feb 9, 2005, 03:08 PM
I'm pretty sure I know why the hair makes a difference. I woke up at one of said female friends house and found my hair braided, gelled, ponytailed, etc into a really weird appearance. Women must just like playing with my hair.

Dang, I think that's it. I turned up at a work with a pony-tail one day (just to annoy my boss cos I was in that mood), and the amount of under-breath buzz about my hair amongst the female staff turned out to be quite astonishing ..... weirded me out .... totally unexpected impact.

Back on subject, all my colleagues and other female friends know I am a bonifide one woman bloke (at the end of an evening I can ask "fancy a coffee?" and then spend 60 minutes discussing why I prefer arabica beans whils listening to Kings of Leon and it's no big deal); and seemed to be treated totally differently to those without sustained relationships.

I'd have to say that my most rewarding relationships (outside of my lady) have been with females with whom I didn't even consider the 'possibility'.

MentalFabric
Feb 9, 2005, 03:09 PM
http://forums.designtechnica.com/images/smilies/drool.gif



The world would be a better place if more boys wore more makeup.

http://forums.designtechnica.com/images/smilies/drool.gifhttp://forums.designtechnica.com/images/smilies/drool.gifhttp://forums.designtechnica.com/images/smilies/drool.gif

Yes! it probably would… But then I wouldn't be quite as unique!

MarkCollette
Feb 9, 2005, 03:26 PM
I am taking a survey. So here is the deal

1. Do you have many friends of the oppsite sex?
2. Of these friends, are they mostly exes or potentials? Or are they something else entireley?
3. How often do you go out with these friends?
4. What do you do with them, when you do hang out with them?


I'm a guy, but I think I have more female than male friends. I would like more guy friends, but I find it hard to find ones who are compatible with me.

I've spent many years with my girlfriend, even when things were off and on, so it was never an option to go for any of our mutual girl friends. I know that some of them find me attractive, and when they've had a bit of alcohol in them they sometimes let me know what they'd like if we were all single, but we would never want to betray anyone, and never cross the line.

Some of my friends I see several times a week, and others much less frequently. I, of course, center my attention on my girlfriend, but sometimes when I go out, she's not available, so I just go with my friends, even if they're all girls.

We watch movies together, or go dancing together, or workout at the gym. Some of our activities have a bit of a sexual tone to them, but I wouldn't call it flirting, because we're not trying to lead it anywhere.

dornoforpyros
Feb 9, 2005, 03:32 PM
Yes I have many friends that are female, in fact my longest and best friend is female. Some of them I've gone out with, others I haven't.

Personally I do believe it's very possible for men and woman to be friends as long as their open and honest with eachother. If you secretly have a crush on your friend of the opposite sex and you can't stand seeing them with other men/woman than it won't work.

But if their honestly just a friend than you two can shoot the crud about daing and such.

brap
Feb 9, 2005, 03:37 PM
Yes! it probably would… But then I wouldn't be quite as unique!Dude, nobody's unique anymore.

My missus would probably find you hot, this is what she started dating.

wdlove
Feb 9, 2005, 04:57 PM
I'm one that doesn't make friends easily. Have always got along with females better, which is a good thing since my career in nursing is dominated by females.

blackfox
Feb 9, 2005, 05:16 PM
1. Do you have many friends of the oppsite sex?
Yes. It is about equally split between same- and opposite-sex (I am a guy, btw)
2. Of these friends, are they mostly exes or potentials? Or are they something else entireley?Depends. A few are exes, quite a few are ex-potentials, (as in there was once a window of opportunity, but as our (platonic) relationship deepened, the impetus or risk/benefit for a physical relationship made them unlikely). The rest are made up solely of friends.
3. How often do you go out with these friends?
As often as with anyone.
4. What do you do with them, when you do hang out with them?The same as I would do with any friend - random (bars, museums, parks, restaurants, theatre etc)

You know, with questions 3 and 4, there seems to be an attempt to foist a false dichotemy on the make-up of friends, which maybe is true for some people, but I have never looked at it that way. The girls are often "one of the boys" and happily tag along for any activity and conversation. Likewise, on the occasions I go out with a group of girl-friends, I am treated like "one of the girls", which doesn't threaten my masculinity. I have always thought the real differences in relationship depth and dynamics occurs in response to the individual(s) character/personality, not their sex.

Interesting thread to read. Oh, I also have gay friends (both male and female), which just make the social experience even richer...

rhpenguin
Feb 9, 2005, 05:29 PM
The world would be a better place if more boys wore more makeup.


My piercings are my makeup.. But on occasion, ive been known to do the makeup thing. You know.. cover blemishes etc..

MentalFabric
Feb 9, 2005, 05:52 PM
Dude, nobody's unique anymore.

My missus would probably find you hot, this is what she started dating.

it all depends how you look at it. on the one hand we're all unique, different in some way or another. the most likely more correct way - we're all the same :p

To be honest, the main reason I like being attractive is to make people think when I tell them i'm not interested in sex or dating :D

Mechcozmo
Feb 9, 2005, 06:41 PM
I am taking a survey. So here is the deal

1. Do you have many friends of the oppsite sex?
2. Of these friends, are they mostly exes or potentials? Or are they something else entireley?
3. How often do you go out with these friends?
4. What do you do with them, when you do hang out with them?

Ok that's it. but here is the real question, can men and women be friends. Personally I have a pretty strange situtation, the guy friends I have typically become close to are gay or not my type. Guy friends who might have crossed into the "potential" side never last very long. And now I have an old friend on the "potential" side. When we met we went to the same parties and so on. These days he wants to "hang out." But I ask myself, who "hangs out" with their guy friends (of course or vice versa)

Thanks for your thoughts.

BTW, all behavior like this is learned... more news later

1. Yeah I have some. Our high school is pretty small, so every one in 10th grade and up is pretty much a friend, regardless of gender.
2. No "X"s, maybe potentials, I like my computer more than real people.
3. Not too often. Internet is far better.
4. iChat with 'em, of course!

I've got a few 'guy friends' and we get together to see a movie, play LAN games, etc.
Men/Women/Boys/Girls can be friends, IMO, just depends on them.

ColoJohnBoy
Feb 9, 2005, 06:52 PM
1. Yes, quite a few.
2. No potential at all. They're fag hags.
3. Once or twice a week.
4. Get krunky and dance like maniacs; go see chick flicks, or any movie at all as my boyfriend doesn't like movies; shopping.

HeWhoSpitsFire
Feb 9, 2005, 06:53 PM
A lot of my friends are women, some that were potential, but aren't any more.

One of my best friends is a woman, a very attractive one. Caused many "suspicions" amongst former girlfriends.

Macaddicttt
Feb 9, 2005, 07:10 PM
1. Do you have many friends of the oppsite sex?
2. Of these friends, are they mostly exes or potentials? Or are they something else entireley?
3. How often do you go out with these friends?
4. What do you do with them, when you do hang out with them?


1. I have a few. Four or so.
2. Something else entirely. They've each dated one of the guys in my group at one time, though.
3. A couple times a week at most. It really varies.
4. Talk or movies or eat out somewhere or something. One of my closest friends is female (me being male...) and we talk about a lot of stuff. She's really good with giving advice with my girlfriend... :)

aloofman
Feb 9, 2005, 07:11 PM
I have female friends, but they are always women that had no romantic potential for me from the very start. She already had a boyfriend/husband, I was seeing someone, or I otherwise had no romantic chemistry with her when we met. Even if we both become single later, I have a hard time considering them girlfriend material, for whatever reason. It's like she becomes the equivalent of a female cousin, so after that it doesn't occur to me to ask her out. I find it easy to become friends with women that are not romantically available. Like married co-workers, for example. No tension at all.

For years my mother was trying to get me to date a classmate of mine, even long after we went to different colleges and I lost contact with her. I liked her and she was attractive enough, but I'd known her since the fourth grade, when romance was the furthest thing from my mind. It was like being told that your half-sister actually wasn't your sister at all. "Why don't you date her?" Ugh.

I remember a conversation I had with a woman a few years ago in which she told me that almost all women have had crushes on platonic male friends/acquaintances at some point in their lives, pining for him to make a move. I thought that was kind of funny and couldn't remember that ever happening to me. She said that was because the woman almost never reveals it and the guy often never knows. I'm sure she was exaggerating about how often this happens, but it made me curious about whether I'd ever been the object of secret affection.

aloofman
Feb 9, 2005, 07:38 PM
Can men and women be TRUE friends? No, not really (RARE cases do occur, don't get me wrong). The reason: one or both parties have agendas - to see if this person is the one. Also when you are close to someone, you form a strong "emotional" bond with that person. You trust this person with your secrets, feelings, thoughts, and most important, your heart. Thus this "bond" is strong and hard to break. And once he/she found a significant other who is not you, you feel happy for him/her, but at the same time betrayed.


I disagree with this. When a friend gets married and thus has less time for me, it feels exactly the same whether it's a male friend or female friend. Kind of a betrayal, but with understanding. And most people realize that the other is not "the one" early on, so that agenda disappears. I suppose one of them might be pining for the other for an extended period, but that wouldn't be a true friendship. It would be an unrequited romance.

Eevee
Feb 9, 2005, 08:33 PM
Thanks for sharing your story. And I do wonder if that woman you mentioned was pinning you to make a move on her.

And interesting thought about the "betrayal but with understanding." Like when one's best friend (whether male or female) got married and has less time with him/her.

And I agree with your statement:

"I suppose one of them might be pining for the other for an extended period, but that wouldn't be a true friendship. It would be an unrequited romance."

I believe for Jade's situation, it's not friendship, but agenda. What do you think?

scem0
Feb 9, 2005, 09:09 PM
my friends are almost exclusively female.

I just get along with girls better.

scem0

killuminati
Feb 9, 2005, 09:16 PM
Hey, I have tons of female friends. I just do the same things with them that I would do with a guy friend (go to movies, places, just chill). And none of them are ex's or potentials.

jade
Feb 9, 2005, 11:19 PM
I remember a conversation I had with a woman a few years ago in which she told me that almost all women have had crushes on platonic male friends/acquaintances at some point in their lives, pining for him to make a move. I thought that was kind of funny and couldn't remember that ever happening to me. She said that was because the woman almost never reveals it and the guy often never knows. I'm sure she was exaggerating about how often this happens, but it made me curious about whether I'd ever been the object of secret affection.

I think it might be true to an extent. But on the other-side, any guy I have been friends with and never went out with for whatever reason...never seems to stay a friend. No matter how hard I try. On the other hand, I don't have problems being friends with ex-crushes. Exes on the otherhand...well it might depends on the circumstance.

The guy friends that tend to stick around....well they are non exes or potentials. As for my friend who suddenly wants to hang out all the time....I think hanging out with me is like having a surrogate girlfriend. I like all the stuff his girlfriend hates...so he can do that with me. And she suggests it (she and I are acquaintances ... but not really friends, although she is the type of person I am typically friends with). The problem: when I hang out with him, everyone thinks we are together. That's probably why I don't want to hang out with him too much. don't want to give anyone the wrong idea. Otherwise he could be one of my closest friends. so what's your take. Should I get over it and just hang out with him?

So it seems like in my life..only non-potentials/and exes can be friends. One of my closest female friends, we pretty much have all the same guy friends. Except one this one guy. Once she got a boyfriend, he stopped hanging out with us. Before she was attached he would be at the club/dinner/movies/beach all the time with us. What do you make of that.

PS I am in that post college phase where no one has as much time as the used to.

aloofman
Feb 10, 2005, 11:39 AM
I believe for Jade's situation, it's not friendship, but agenda. What do you think?

From the description, it sounds like emotional confusion is at least as much a factor. I know that there have been several times when I was romantically interested in a woman, only to find out she wasn't available or not as attractive as I initially thought. I'm sure this happens to everyone at some time or other. I've always found it kind of awkward to be friends with her after that. The things I thought were interesting about her turned out not to be true and it feels kind of like, "well, I goofed on that one."

And if it's really a case of jealousy that a friend found someone else, then it's probably best to stay away for a while anyway, to let the emotions die down. Out of sight, out of mind, as they say.

maya
Feb 10, 2005, 11:53 AM
I am taking a survey. So here is the deal

1. Do you have many friends of the oppsite sex?
2. Of these friends, are they mostly exes or potentials? Or are they something else entireley?
3. How often do you go out with these friends?
4. What do you do with them, when you do hang out with them?

Ok that's it. but here is the real question, can men and women be friends. Personally I have a pretty strange situtation, the guy friends I have typically become close to are gay or not my type. Guy friends who might have crossed into the "potential" side never last very long. And now I have an old friend on the "potential" side. When we met we went to the same parties and so on. These days he wants to "hang out." But I ask myself, who "hangs out" with their guy friends (of course or vice versa)

Thanks for your thoughts.

Platonic friends of the opposite sex, YES I DO.

Just because the media says otherwise doesn't mean it has to be so. ;) :)

aloofman
Feb 10, 2005, 11:54 AM
The guy friends that tend to stick around....well they are non exes or potentials. As for my friend who suddenly wants to hang out all the time....I think hanging out with me is like having a surrogate girlfriend. I like all the stuff his girlfriend hates...so he can do that with me. And she suggests it (she and I are acquaintances ... but not really friends, although she is the type of person I am typically friends with). The problem: when I hang out with him, everyone thinks we are together. That's probably why I don't want to hang out with him too much. don't want to give anyone the wrong idea. Otherwise he could be one of my closest friends. so what's your take. Should I get over it and just hang out with him?

So the platonic guy friend is a non-ex? Or a potential? I would say that hanging out with him should not be a problem if his girlfriend is not threatened by it. Whether others assume the two of you are a couple is irrelevant. If a brief explanation isn't enough for them, that's not your problem. And it's understandable that there are things he can do with you that she can't. People are compatible in idiosyncratic ways like that. The only pitfall I can think of is what the girlfriend thinks of this. Even if she's the non-jealous type, it's natural that she wouldn't want him to spend TOO much time with you, certainly not more that he spends with her. His relationship with her and his friendship with you have as much priority as he decides to give them and there's always the potential for problems there.

So it seems like in my life..only non-potentials/and exes can be friends. One of my closest female friends, we pretty much have all the same guy friends. Except one this one guy. Once she got a boyfriend, he stopped hanging out with us. Before she was attached he would be at the club/dinner/movies/beach all the time with us. What do you make of that.

Do you know that he's avoiding her because she got a boyfriend? It could just be a coincidence and he has something else going on. Assuming that he's avoiding her on purpose, then it's pretty likely that he's upset that she's with someone else. In a way, it's really his own fault for keeping his feelings inside and not resolving them. Have you talked with him about it? Most relationships don't last that long, so it's possible she'll split with the boyfriend in the next few months. Does he know what he'll do when that happens? Or it may be that this is the kind of wake-up call that he needs to get over her. I'm assuming that she doesn't realize this is going on, and there's no reason to tell her as long as she's with the boyfriend.

RacerX
Feb 10, 2005, 11:56 AM
Well, my best friend is a girl. We've been friends for about 11 years now.

We met while I was doing research for the National Science Foundation at their Geometry Center at the University of Minnesota. At the time she was a student at the U, majoring in physics and minoring in math.

After I had returned to my studies at UCSD (I was a math major with a physics minor) we stayed in close contact.

About a year after the end of my first marriage I came back to Minnesota to see her and some of my professors. We were roommates for about 6 months (no, nothing happened).

We've stayed close, she came to my wedding (to my current wife). And we see each other every week or so.

Is she attractive? Yes, she is really cute. And we share many of the same interests and political views. And I found out while living with her that I can't stand more than a day or so with her without needing some time off.

It would just never work out. I love her dearly, but there is really only so much of her I can stand in a short period of time. ;)

...which is why neither of my wives was threatened by her I might add.

virividox
Feb 10, 2005, 03:05 PM
I am taking a survey. So here is the deal

1. Do you have many friends of the oppsite sex?
2. Of these friends, are they mostly exes or potentials? Or are they something else entireley?
3. How often do you go out with these friends?
4. What do you do with them, when you do hang out with them?

Thanks for your thoughts.

1. yup, a lot of my closest friends are chicks
2. most are something else entirely, no exes
3. well when im home im practically with one or another of them 24/7
4. movies, dinner, lunch, road trips, brunch, shopping, chillin, parties, wake boarding, going to new places, anything really, talking, sometimes just sitting around being quiet

Giaguara
Feb 10, 2005, 03:48 PM
i am female. i have 2 female people i could consider friends. vs 20-50 males.

i do not understand women, period. jsut does not happen.

MattG
Feb 10, 2005, 10:52 PM
I am taking a survey. So here is the deal

1. Do you have many friends of the oppsite sex?
2. Of these friends, are they mostly exes or potentials? Or are they something else entireley?
3. How often do you go out with these friends?
4. What do you do with them, when you do hang out with them?


1. A few.
2. Neither...just friends, either from work or from college.
3. Not very often...some live kinda far from me, the others maybe a couple times a month?
4. Movies, dinner, whatever...just hanging out.

iJon
Feb 11, 2005, 12:30 AM
1. I have quite a few, none of them really good friends, just friends

2. I am not friends with exes, I think it's entirely stupid. I broke up with them for a reason, I don't like them, never will again, they provide no benefit in life so I see no point in wasting why time being friends with them. All they would tend to do is soak me up as an emotional tampon, enough said.

Other hot girls I know are always potentials...cause they are hot.

3. I only hang out with them when they come to my parties. Only time I hang out with girls other than parities is if I am taking one on a date or if they are just hanging out at my house, or I'm at theirs ;).

4. We just try to have a good time, preferably sexual.

jon

jade
Feb 11, 2005, 12:45 AM
Do you know that he's avoiding her because she got a boyfriend? It could just be a coincidence and he has something else going on. Assuming that he's avoiding her on purpose, then it's pretty likely that he's upset that she's with someone else. In a way, it's really his own fault for keeping his feelings inside and not resolving them. Have you talked with him about it? Most relationships don't last that long, so it's possible she'll split with the boyfriend in the next few months. Does he know what he'll do when that happens? Or it may be that this is the kind of wake-up call that he needs to get over her. I'm assuming that she doesn't realize this is going on, and there's no reason to tell her as long as she's with the boyfriend.

May be a coincidence, but I don't think so. He has been avoiding us for maybe 6 months. And well my friends time is "limited" she is only here for a year or so, then she returns to Asia (her home). It's funny since we were always hanging out before.

But as for me...I think I'll have to give up on the friends for which I was a potential, since well we never get to be friends anymore and it always feels like when we do talk after a while... it is never the same. Perfect example, I had a friend/acquintence for a summer. I later heard he had a crush on me. I sent him a note a few months down the line to check in. The reaction I got was I have a girlfriend, nice knowing you. I was kinda disappointed because he was a cool guy i wanted to become better friends with. So I guess it is pretty individual, some people can't hang with the former crushes, no matter how much fun they had together.

jade
Feb 11, 2005, 12:49 AM
Other hot girls I know are always potentials...cause they are hot.

3. I only hang out with them when they come to my parties. Only time I hang out with girls other than parities is if I am taking one on a date or if they are just hanging out at my house, or I'm at theirs ;).

4. We just try to have a good time, preferably sexual.

jon

sounds like you only have friends with benefits :p

clayj
Feb 11, 2005, 12:57 AM
sounds like you only have friends with benefits :pI need friends like that. :)

iJon
Feb 11, 2005, 12:58 AM
sounds like you only have friends with benefits :p
I had a very nice and healthy relationship all the up till the end of high school. Last about 2-3 years. I'm in no rush to find that again and I am enjoying the single life.

jon

urban1985_
Feb 11, 2005, 06:18 PM
I am taking a survey. So here is the deal

1. Do you have many friends of the oppsite sex?
2. Of these friends, are they mostly exes or potentials? Or are they something else entireley?
3. How often do you go out with these friends?
4. What do you do with them, when you do hang out with them?


1. Yes
2. None are exes; none are potentials
3. Every week
4. Clubbing, movies, eat, etc.

My best friends are pretty much all female. Most straight guys aren't too comfortable being friends with a gay guy. I have few guy friends. Even fewer gay friends.

Lacero
Feb 11, 2005, 06:24 PM
Just watch several episodes of Seinfeld if you want the definitive answer on the question of having friends of the opposite sex.

neilrobinson
Feb 11, 2005, 06:54 PM
1. Yes, most of them are...
2. not exes possibly potentials.
3. not very often, live a few hundred k's away
4. um haven't hung out for a while, so we shall see.