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alihassan
May 21, 2011, 03:50 AM
Hi Guys,

I would really appreciate if any of you guys would take the time off and watch my short and give me some feedback on it, I have spent a decent amount of time shooting and then editing this together so any constructive criticism is welcome! :)

I still havent figured out what message I should give out at the end, but I have an idea on what to say but just cant complete the sentences hope all you bright and witty folks can give me some ideas!!

Here are the 2 messages i want to say at the end of the film...

1) In life we should always look at the "Silver Lining", and if you cant see if then.......


2) The Great news about Bad news is that.....


I cant seem to complete any of the above 2 lines with something witty and not too intellectual u know and definitely not some random lines from the internet which have been posted online so hope u can give me some of your original thoughts and yeah watch the video and you will know what I am talking about!!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83KE7nnnuHA


Thanks Guys
-A



sevenbe8
May 21, 2011, 04:12 AM
Hmmm. I've watched it and not sure. Some thoughts:
It's too long/slow. I would cut the scenes to be more snazzy, quick an simple. The room looks very cold and set up, perhaps that's how it is but the whole film looks set up rather than natural.

Like the way the messages are displayed but perhaps they need to be a bit larger, in a better type, as these frames go past a bit too quickly. Especially the last one where the viewer will still think what it's all about.

If you could let me know what it is all about, that would be good cause I have to say it may be just me but I don't get the final invitation to suicide?

As for the lines, a dot dot dot seems to suffice considering the subject. I might have gotten it all wrong of course!!! ;)

Oh, is god's medium of sending a message really paper?


Good luck and hopefully no letters for you today!
:)

ComputersaysNo
May 21, 2011, 04:15 AM
i actually liked it. The suspense was build up pretty well. :)

To me it looked like it could be an intro/trailer to something longer. Perhaps going outside and trying to deal with more weird situations. For example: people don't recognize him anymore, somebody on the street giving him a pile of cash, he got pulled in a car, knocked out and dropped somewhere. The clou at the end would be that he actually himself instructed & payed people to do so.

The last letter then should say something like: STOP SENDING MESSAGES TO YOURSELF.

alihassan
May 21, 2011, 04:46 AM
Guys,

First of all thanks for watching and then have the patience to write something constructive!! high five!

@sevenbe8

U know I kinda agree with the slowness of the short and I did try to cut it as short as possible without it being very fast coz then all the build up and the suspense wouldnt be possible!

Also a very important point you mentioned is about how long the animations stay on the screen for the people to properly read it, I did put in an effort to have them as long as possible so that people can digest it but you reckon it should be a little longer??

The idea is about this guy who gets messages, now i did ponder on a LOT of ideas and eventually came up with this.... I was trying to go for the Good News vs Bad News concept and initially I didnt have the message from "GOD"
part but then I wouldn't have a closure so I used that and i do get the "paper" part :-) but then thats what came to me naturally! :D

I definitely dont wana promote suicide or alchoholism like that coz it doesnt give up a safe message if any kids watch it! I was trying to go for something fun at the end which ofcourse I am still "trying"

Like i said in my initial post the last 2 sentences if I can come up with something witty it might help the end! and yeah throughout making this short I tried my BEST not to copy something from the internet or get inspired by something I saw so thats why I am having a tough time ending it coz I cant think of anything at the moment!

HELP!! lol



@ComputersaysNo

Thanks for the positive comment! and yeah I would love to do more with it but I was like u know start small and then think about something big, since I am only starting out I thought if i can keep a person engaged for 3 minutes and not get him/her bored it will be something +ve for me! :-)

I think i might have to cut it a little short coz sevenbe8 did think its little slow... hmmmm

Thanks a bunch again guys!

zimv20
May 21, 2011, 08:09 PM
nice piece. nicely shot, nice editing, decent acting.

endings are hard, and i have nothing to contribute there. i would suggest just a couple small edits.

overall, i think the pacing is fine, and i like towards the end how you cut out walking to/from the door to increase the pace a bit.

suggestion: the 2nd time he goes to the door, there's the shot from behind where he's briefly standing there before he moves to open the door. i think that can be shortened and you can cut right to him opening the door. it would pick up the pace a bit there.

other suggestion: when he's opening the package, there's a jump cut* that was just a tiny bit jarring. maybe not so jarring that it should go away, but it seemed a little odd that it was the only one. immediately thereafter, we watch him fully open the envelope, and that felt a little slow in the context of the overall pacing and the previous jump cut. perhaps speed up the envelope opening by editing out a bit of the middle of that one, as well?

these are very small things. again, overall, i think it works and you've done a great job.

* apologies if that's not the right term, i'm an audio guy, not a visual guy

alihassan
May 21, 2011, 11:08 PM
@zimv20

Thanks for the feedback mate and yes I will keep those suggestions in mind and try to see where I can fit them in the clip!
I must say this forum has been really helpful its wonderful to see people actually take the time off and watch and provide tips! :D

chasemac
May 21, 2011, 11:54 PM
1) In life we should always look at the "Silver Lining", and if you cant see it then paint it a grayish blue.

sevenbe8
May 22, 2011, 05:33 AM
... If you can't see the silver lining, stick your head out from the clouds!

x:)