Favorite Computer Jokes

[velocityg4]

I did a quick search and couldn't find any recent threads on favorite computer jokes. Hear is mine what are yours?

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"
9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
12. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
13. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
14. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
15. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL &
PAPER.SYS)
16. User Error: Replace user.
17. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
18. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are
on the way.
19. User Error: Intelligence Resource Level Insufficient
20. Netscape.exe... Bad file name...
21. May we suggest M/S Internet Explorer? (Y/y)

[Mitthrawnuruodo]

If we're talking Microsoft, then there's unlimited supply of jokes... my all time favorite is the genuine error message:

No keyboard found, press any key to continue.

Priceless... :D

[MOFS]

If we're talking Microsoft, then there's unlimited supply of jokes... my all time favorite is the genuine error message:

No keyboard found, press any key to continue.

Priceless... :D

I dunno - I like this one - seems to sum up Microsoft succintly!

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 23 - 22 to try and find the lightbulb and then 1 to declare darkness as standard!

[cb911]

okay - i found a few... :D

new computer virii -

The AL GORE virus: causes your computer to just keep counting.
The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.

The BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.

The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.

The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200 MB.

The JACK KEVORKIAN virus: deletes all old files.

The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files.

The LORENA BOBBITT virus: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.


SOME COMMON COMPUTER ACRONYMS (and what they really mean)

PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit Losing Entity <-- LOL. :D
SCSI: System Can't See It
DOS: Defective Operating System
DOS-II: Same as above, but we tried to fix it and the new version doesn't work any better than the old one.
BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM: Consumer Device--Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
WWW: World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
and, best of all:
DOT-COM: Definitely Over Time--Completely Out of Money.

okay - that's it for me. :D

[ravenvii]

One of my favorites is in a sig of a member of the forums:

Drag and drop for PCs: DRAG your PC off your desk, and DROP it in the trash! :D

[quagmire]

Well forgot some words, but you will get the idea.

3 Apple workers and 3 MS workers were going to a computer conference. The MS workers bought 3 tickets for each person. They then noticed the apple workers only one ticket. So they went on the train. The 3 apple workers went into the bathroom. When the person who says, " ticket! ticket! ticket," goes to the bathroom and says, " Ticket!" the door opened and the apple workers gave them the one ticket. They all went to 3 empty seats. The MS workers were whispering to each other how clever the Apple workers were. So on the way back the MS workers bought one ticket, but the apple workers didn't buy any. The 3 MS workers and 2 Apple workers went into 2 bathrooms. Then the 3rd Apple worker came to the bathroom were the MS workers were hiding, the apple worker said, " ticket!", the door opened and the MS workers gave the Apple worker the ticket and the Apple worker went to the bathroom were the other apple workers were.

[dotdotdot]

You know Microsoft is creating a new keyboard perfect for their OS?
"Really? Ya don't say!"
I do say! It has three buttons: Control, Alt, and Delete!

[stoid]

At a large computer conference, a Microsoft employee, a Sun employee and an Apple employee meet up at the sink. The Microsoft employee washes his hands, then pulls out a handful of the paper towels, and completely dries his hands. He says to the other two, "At Microsoft we are very thorough." The Sun employee washes his hands and pulls only one paper towel, yet uses every part of it to get his hands fully dry. He says to the other two, "At Sun we are both thorough and efficient." The Apple employee just looks at the other two, shakes his head and says, "At Apple, we don't piss on our hands."

[mkrishnan]

You know Microsoft is creating a new keyboard perfect for their OS?
"Really? Ya don't say!"
I do say! It has three buttons: Control, Alt, and Delete!

That deserves the picture:

http://blogsimages.skynet.be/images/000/165/553_592ctrlaltdel.jpg

[mkrishnan]

My favorite I think is the saying, "A computer without Windows is like a cake without mustard."

I'm also very fond of the old DOS Abort, Retry, Ignore prompt for file access failures, with its Abort option that does nothing even remotely similar to aborting. :o

[homerjward]

famous last words: "dont worry my life support system's running Windows ninety-*croak*

[MacNut]

Is your computer running.....

then your not using Windows. :rolleyes:

[AmigoMac]

My sig.

[mad jew]

If I'm after a bit of a chuckle there's always this:

http://australianit.news.com.au/defrag

It comes out each week and never fails to amuse but there is a definite Australian bias most of the time. Yeah, I know it's not an IT joke as such but it's still pretty funny. :D

[absolut_mac]

My favorite computer jokes are graphically illustrated below...

[absolut_mac]

MS Flight Simulator

[AmigoMac]

Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.

Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider?
A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)

Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N)?

SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

[broken_keyboard]

I hate to say it, but computer jokes just aren't very funny. ;)

[MongoTheGeek]

A phony message I liked was
Abort, Retry, Say Kaddish (A,R,S)?

How many sysadmins does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just restrict access to the room

How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll fix it in software.

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb
None, its a hardware problem.

How many QA engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just document the darkness.

How long does it take a field service engineer to change a light bulb?
It depends on how many burned out bulbs he brought with him.

[jayb2000]

Microsoft Works
:D

And not quite a computer joke, but an engineer joke.
A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am. How did you know?"

"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am. But how did you know?"

"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

[saxman]

There are 10 types of people in this world... those who understand binary, and those who don't

[iSaint]

My sig.
__________________
Who's General Failure & why is he reading My Disk?

my fave!!! :D

[notjustjay]

There are 10 types of people in this world... those who understand binary, and those who don't

Rats, you stole mine.

[The Past]

There are 10 types of people in this world... those who understand binary, and those who don't

lol

[eRondeau]

Using a Dell PC is a lot like electing a new Pope.

If the smoke that comes out is black, it's still not quite done.

If the smoke that comes out is white, it's all over.



(Oh, gotta go, Leno's on the phone again...)

[tsk]

How about:

The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is the day they start making vacuum cleaners.

[redeye be]

The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
Someone has/had this in her/his signature.
Still a good one though :D

[mkrishnan]

And not quite a computer joke, but an engineer joke.

That's great! :D

[TEG]

A computer without Windows, is like a dog without bricks tied to his head.

Or:

Windows is a 32-bit extension to a 16-bit graphical shell for an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

TEG

[stubeeef]

and laughed. Stick with it. For you "young'ins" this was one of the best comedy duo's of all time, google abbott and costello. ya it is heavy on the MS stuff, but it gave me a chuckle, specially at the end.

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ...
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: I've got windows. Two of them.
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in
the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows I need a computer
and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I
can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What
have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend
anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK,
lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to
type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W"
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't
start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can
I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What
I watch is none of your business Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reels
2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch
a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is
Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for
windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word
in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other
Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words
out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real
One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about
financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track
my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A FEW DAYS LATER . . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START" .

[mcadam]

How about:

The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is the day they start making vacuum cleaners.

I love this one... saw it in the sig and quoted it many times since :D

A

[mad jew]

For you "young'ins" this was one of the best comedy duo's of all time, google abbott and costello. ya it is heavy on the MS stuff, but it gave me a chuckle, specially at the end.


And here I was thinking Costello (http://www.aph.gov.au/house/members/member.asp?ID=CT4) and Abbott (http://www.aph.gov.au/house/members/member.asp?id=EZ5) were simply Australian politicians. :confused:

Comedy these days...

[whocares]

How about:

The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is the day they start making vacuum cleaners.


Hmmmm, I've heard that one before ;) ;)