Disgraced pastor Ted Haggard convinced he's now ''completely heterosexual''

[leekohler]

Oh wow. That was quick!

http://www.advocate.com/news_detail_ektid41803.asp

A leading evangelist who admitted to ''sexual immorality'' following allegations of sex with a male prostitute is convinced he is ''completely heterosexual,'' said one of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling with the disgraced minister. The Rev. Ted Haggard, a vocal opponent of same-sex marriage, also said his sexual contact with men was limited to the former male prostitute who came forward with sexual allegations, the Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur told The Denver Post for a story in Tuesday's edition.

''He is completely heterosexual,'' Ralph said. ''That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing.''

Haggard resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals last year after allegations of sexual misconduct surfaced. He was also forced out from the 14,000 New Life Church that he founded years ago in his basement after Jones alleged Haggard paid him for sex and sometimes used methamphetamine when they were together. Haggard, who is married, has publicly admitted to ''sexual immorality.''

The scandal disappointed Christian conservatives, whom President George W. Bush and other Republicans had counted on heavily in the run-up to the national legislative elections last November, which Democrats subsequently won.

Ralph said the board spoke with people close to Haggard while investigating his claim that his only extramarital sexual contact happened with Mike Jones. The board found no evidence to the contrary.

''If we're going to be proved wrong, somebody else is going to come forward, and that usually happens really quickly,'' he said. ''We're into this thing over 90 days and it hasn't happened.''

Haggard said in an e-mail Sunday, his first communication in three months to church members, that he and his wife, Gayle, plan to pursue master's degrees in psychology. The e-mail said the family has not decided where to move but that they were considering Missouri and Iowa.

Another oversight board member, the Rev. Mike Ware of Westminster, said the group recommended the move out of town and the Haggards agreed.

''This is a good place for Ted,'' Ware said. ''It's hard to heal in Colorado Springs right now. It's like an open wound. He needs to get somewhere he can get the wound healed.''

It was also the oversight board that strongly urged Haggard to go into secular work. (AP)

[emw]

It was also the oversight board that strongly urged Haggard to go into secular work.He'll now be marketing his new Cure for Teh Gay™ DVD series.

It'll be like those Buns of Steel videos where unless you already have buns of steel, you won't get them from the video.

[leekohler]

He'll now be marketing his new Cure for Teh Gay™ DVD series.

It'll be like those Buns of Steel videos where unless you already have buns of steel, you won't get them from the video.

I doubt it. I think they no damn well he'll "slip" again and that's why they're recommending him for "secular work". I don't think anybody wants this guy anywhere near a pulpit again.

[Swarmlord]

Did they have a laying of the hands ceremony on his johnson to cure its sinful ways? Lol!

[emw]

I don't think anybody wants this guy anywhere near a pulpit again.Well there's at least one thing on which I can agree with them.

[mactastic]

Dangle some gay pr0n in front of him and see how long he stays "completely hetrosexual"!

I don't buy it for a second.

[obeygiant]

So, now, he used to be gay? Is that possible?

[poopyhead]

It is obvious that the gay sex was simply a "mistake" spurred by his meth use.

[zimv20]

"It wasn't a constant thing.''

what absolute crap. if someone is gay only when they have dick in them, then shouldn't they be hetero only when they've got their dick in a woman? i'm alone right now, does that make me asexual?

[mkrishnan]

One time, I caught teh gay and I stopped watching musicals and went on Atkins and it cleared right up. :rolleyes:™

[Dont Hurt Me]

I think he's just another minister chasing big $$$ for doing nothing but reading words from a book that anyone can read. Religion is a big business, I bet he did DISCOVER he is heterosexual real quick.

[obeygiant]

"It wasn't a constant thing.''

what absolute crap. if someone is gay only when they have dick in them, then shouldn't they be hetero only when they've got their dick in a woman? i'm alone right now, does that make me asexual?

Well put....
[/sarcasm]

I think there some lesbians out there who would take issue with your statement.

[Dont Hurt Me]

"It wasn't a constant thing.''

what absolute crap. if someone is gay only when they have dick in them, then shouldn't they be hetero only when they've got their dick in a woman? i'm alone right now, does that make me asexual?
LOL, just saw that. Funny Zim, I guess you are Asexual for the moment.:D

[BoyBach]

...i'm alone right now, does that make me asexual?


I've been an 'asexual' for quite a while now...

:(

[scem0]

Oh man... What a douche.

It's tempting to go with a spycam and seduce him. I think I'm his type too...

e

[psychofreak]

I never knew that teh gay was curable...you learn something new every day...

[leekohler]

I never knew that teh gay was curable...you learn something new every day...

Umm, just so I'm not left out, where in the world did the term "teh gay" come from? It's funny as hell, but I must have missed it's origin. :)

[IJ Reilly]

Did he also get rid of his collection of Judy Garland DVDs?

[BoyBach]

Did he also get rid of his collection of Judy Garland DVDs?


Yes. But the Barbra Streisand stays.

[Dont Hurt Me]

I never knew that teh gay was curable...you learn something new every day...
Theres hope for everyone but how was he cured?

[poopyhead]

Theres hope for everyone but how was he cured?

I'm sure we'll find out during his book tour in a couple of years.

for a conservative preacher being gay isnt as lucrative as being a recovering homosexual with a 12 step program sanctioned by jesus himself

[psychofreak]

Theres hope for everyone but how was he cured?

Jesus (that guy who hates gays don't you know)

[Dont Hurt Me]

Jesus (that guy who hates gays don't you know)

You sure it was Jesus? I bet it was $$$

[BoyBach]

Theres hope for everyone but how was he cured?


Maybe he was out shopping and his elbowed accidentally brushed against the breast of a passing female shopper?

Remember, the Good Lord moves in mysterious ways.

[BoyBach]

You sure it was Jesus? I bet it was $$$


Aren't they the same thing?

(I'm going to Hell.)

[psychofreak]

(I'm going to Hell.)

See you there! We should have a MR meet up...

[IJ Reilly]

Yes. But the Barbra Streisand stays.

I say dump the Babs and keep the Judy, but that's just my opinion. Maybe if I started feeling temporarily gay it would be different.

[TequilaBoobs]

if he can pass a plethysmoscope (edit spelling) test (measures erections) while watching gay porn, then ill believe him.

[Queso]

Umm, just so I'm not left out, where in the world did the term "teh gay" come from? It's funny as hell, but I must have missed it's origin. :)
It's an iGaryism, only he always spelt it Teh Ghey :D

Oh yeah, and Teh Haggayd is still gayer than the gayest gay boy in Gayland. With extra gay.

[BoyBach]

It's an iGaryism, only he always spelt it Teh Ghey :D

Oh yeah, and Teh Haggayd is still gayer than the gayest gay boy in Gayland. With extra gay.


Now that's a lot of gay, sorry, 'teh ghey', right there.

[pseudobrit]

"It wasn't a constant thing.''

what absolute crap. if someone is gay only when they have dick in them, then shouldn't they be hetero only when they've got their dick in a woman? i'm alone right now, does that make me asexual?

You know, I'm straight. I wasn't aware that I might have needed to "discover" the fact that I'm straight by "acting out" gay sex while on methamphetamines.

[psychofreak]

You know, I'm straight. I wasn't aware that I might have needed to "discover" the fact that I'm straight by "acting out" gay sex while on methamphetamines.

Maybe thats why Jesus doesn't love YOU...he told me...

[IJ Reilly]

You know, I'm straight.

No, I didn't -- but thanks for sharing!

But are you sure? Really, really sure?

[jsw]

No, I didn't -- but thanks for sharing!

But are you sure? Really, really sure?
I think I am... but I'm not so sure I'm not into farm animals.

Anyone have some meth I could use?

[IJ Reilly]

I think I am... but I'm not so sure I'm not into farm animals.

Anyone have some meth I could use?

Watch that stuff. You might decide that you actually are a farm animal. And that would be baaaad.

[skunk]

Watch that stuff. You might decide that you actually are a farm animal. And that would be baaaad.W(h)ether you like them or not would be a mooed point.

[FleurDuMal]

Do you reckon anyone out there can cure my heterosexuality?

Anyway, teh gay is curable, as this proves: http://youtube.com/watch?v=r41-U7yEcUo

[zimv20]

Do you reckon anyone out there can cure my heterosexuality?

i reckon so (http://www.uglypeople.com/voting.php?next=dXBsb2FkZWQvMTEwOTc1L25ld3BpYzI4LkpQRw==).

(possibly nsfw)

[yg17]

See you there! We should have a MR meet up...

Being an Apple geek in hell must be tough. It's probably constant Apple rumors, speculation and leaks but with no Stevenote in sight :(


Or if Satan's even more evil than I thought, he would just make us use Windows :eek:

if he can pass a plethysmoscope (edit spelling) test (measures erections) while watching gay porn, then ill believe him.

I have to ask....what does a plethywhatever measure that a ruler cant? Or in my case, a yardstick :D

[IJ Reilly]

W(h)ether you like them or not would be a mooed point.

I'm already on the lamb.

[Thomas Veil]

Theres hope for everyone but how was he cured?Oh, modern medicine can do wonders these days.

[mactastic]

So is going into the remote Arizona desert with four other men for three weeks to learn about the love of Christ the absolute least gay way to be cured of teh ghey?

Wouldn't a (hetrosexual) strip club work better?

(And in a delicious irony, tonight's Simpson's that showed up on my DVR was the one where Homer meets the gay guy and freaks out, and ends up taking Bart to the gay steel mill in an attempt to cure him of teh perceived ghey. :D )

[Chundles]

Oh, modern medicine can do wonders these days.

This is the first time and the last time I will ever use this acronym without a satirical undertone.

ROTFLMFAO!!!!

That's possibly the funniest thing I've ever seen on this site. I did actually laugh out loud at it.

Well done.

[IJ Reilly]

This is the first time and the last time I will ever use this acronym without a satirical undertone.

ROTFLMFAO!!!!

That's possibly the funniest thing I've ever seen on this site. I did actually laugh out loud at it.

Well done.

Stick around. Some of it's actually funny on purpose.

[hulugu]

i reckon so (http://www.uglypeople.com/voting.php?next=dXBsb2FkZWQvMTEwOTc1L25ld3BpYzI4LkpQRw==).

(possibly nsfw)

Gah!

Thanks for that. I think I threw up in my mouth a little.

<shiver>

[solvs]

So, now, he used to be gay? Is that possible?
No. Once teh ghey, always teh ghey. Unless you're female. Some of them can switch back and forth on a whim.

I think I'm his type too...
Unless you're a meth addicted male prostitute, I doubt it.

[stillwater]

Oh, modern medicine can do wonders these days.

I wonder if that medication will cure my urge to wear clothes made of two different cloths.

[mactastic]

Unless you're a meth addicted male prostitute, I doubt it.
Yeah, I was gonna say that too until I was distracted by TVs excellent work.

Sorry scemo, I don't think you're meth'ed out enough to satisfy Haggard. It's gotta be a lot easier to rationalize to himself what he was doing while riding that meth high...

[Thomas Veil]

This is the first time and the last time I will ever use this acronym without a satirical undertone.

ROTFLMFAO!!!!

That's possibly the funniest thing I've ever seen on this site. I did actually laugh out loud at it.

Well done.Thanks. :D Glad you liked it.

[Thomas Veil]

I wonder if that medication will cure my urge to wear clothes made of two different cloths.No, that's PolyesterBlendEnd. I think Merck makes it.