View Full Version : Rain during Super Bowl XLI contained speed

Apr 1, 2007, 12:55 PM
Wettest Super Bowl Ever Discovered to be part of Drug Scandal
By April Sool

Miami Gardens, FL- Scientists at the University of Miami have discovered that the rain that poured heavily during Super Bowl XLI at Dolphin Stadium was not ordinary rain, but in fact contained a 15% dilution of amphetamines, a stimulant drug. It was thought to be used because the otherwise dreary conditions would not make for a competitive game for the league.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is starting an investigation on who added the drugs to the rainy Sunday night, and has threatened to disqualify both the Colts and the Bears from the championship game, and replay the Super Bowl with the Saints and Patriots.

"As Commissioner, I intend to clean up the sport of all of it's impurities as soon as possible to keep the game drug free," Goodell said in a statement earlier today.

This would be the second Florida based drug scandal uncovered in 2007, weeks following the Orlando drug raid that uncovered drug use by many pro athletes spanning many sports. This is also the second time this season the NFL has been hit with drug use among its players.

The questions started when Miami Chemistry graduate student Maria Hoxatteta, attending the Super Bowl, tasted the water when sticking out her tongue. "It wasn't the usual taste," she said.

Inspired by this, she started to research the Super Bowl rainwater. The next few weeks, she tested the water from samples from the game with rainwater from recent weeks, and found a foreign substance in the game water.

Mark Zuykaka, a Chemistry professor picked up on the research shortly after watching a United Way ad of Peyton Manning that portrayed the superstar quarterback as mean and a bad influence to kids. He explained that "Perhaps he fooled us all these years so we can cheer for him winning a Super Bowl."

He then helped Hoxatteta identify the drug as a type of amphetamine that can blend itself right in with rainwater, being otherwise undetectable and for the players to gain an unseen advantage.

The scandal may hurt Manning's otherwise squeaky clean image. Jeff Falsin, a Manning fan since the start of his college career said "I can never trust Peyton again after this. I can't believe he lied to his fans like that."

Peyton Manning declined for comment.

sorry, no link, but wow, i didn't know this about peyton. guess we'll have to think twice about that family from now on.

Apr 1, 2007, 01:28 PM

Well that was one of the lamer jokes I've seen so far today. It certainly doesn't compare to the stuff the folks here came up with. ;)

Apr 1, 2007, 01:31 PM
link would of helped your joke.

Apr 1, 2007, 01:35 PM
Not the worst 4/1 article I've seen, but still lame.

Apr 1, 2007, 07:48 PM
People trying to create fake news releases should refrain from including grammatical errors. Why does almost everyone do this...it kills whatever believability it could have had otherwise (not that there was much to begin with in this case).


Apr 1, 2007, 08:08 PM

OK, we need a new category.

We have April Fool's (AF). This wasn't funny, or in the "gotcha!" arena, so it doesn't fit there.

We have Conspiracy Theories (CT). While at first blush, this falls along those lines, there's just no compelling evidence, and no substantial government or corporate connection.

Then there's the Urban Legend (UL), or in our corrective age, the Pre-Snopes Urban Legend (PSUL). Boy, this comes close, but c'mon, it just doesn't have the panache of, say, losing my kidneys in my hotel room, y'know?

Which leaves us with the need to formally designate the category defined by, "there's five minutes I'll never get back," heretofore to be known as Wasted Bandwidth (WB).

This, Dear Readers, is Wasted Bandwidth.

Oh, yeah! (with appy polly loggies to Duff Man)

Apr 1, 2007, 08:33 PM

Well that was one of the lamer jokes I've seen so far today. It certainly doesn't compare to the stuff the folks here came up with. ;)

***Yawn*** ;)

Thanks for the read furcalchick. :)

Apple Hobo
Apr 2, 2007, 09:06 AM

Better luck next year. :o