Approaching women in social settings [Archive]

CubaTBird

Dec 20, 2007, 11:59 PM

Sun Baked

Dec 21, 2007, 12:05 AM

Maybe your fly was open. ;)

CubaTBird

Dec 21, 2007, 12:08 AM

Maybe your fly was open. ;)

Maybe.. so im doin' fine then though?

motulist

Dec 21, 2007, 12:13 AM

Never bother wasting your time approaching a group of women in a bar or club. When women gather together as groups in these places they're on a 'girls night out' and don't want any sausages. In fact, often these women's group nights involve complaining about men, so if you're the next man to enter their sights then they'll usually chew you up like chum, regardless of how awesome a guy you might actually be, they wouldn't even have the time to find that about before devouring you whole.

Girls in groups of 2 are fine to talk to, and a single girl alone is probably crazy and or looking for some lovin.

Mydel

Dec 21, 2007, 12:14 AM

Maybe.. so im doin' fine then though?

Hmm that depends what "fine" means to you...If we talk desirable effect than no you are not doing fine. But frankly I dont see anything wrong with your way of doing things. Maybe bars and so on are not "your" places.

SthrnCmfrtr

Dec 21, 2007, 12:25 AM

Superbad makes some pretty excellent points about meeting women -- ie, don't meet them in bars. All true, in my experience.

Many of my past relationships were with girls I met in bars or other social settings -- college parties, dorm parties, etc. None of those relationships went well. I'm not saying those girls were tramps and whores; quite the opposite, in fact. I met some very gentle, sweet, innocent girls at college parties. The problem was that they were all extraverts, generally "out" people, and I'm a very introverted person who just happened to tear around like an idiot on occasion (generally because I was trying to find nice girls to spend quiet alone time with, and I thought that if I did it a lot faster and under the influence of psilocybin, I'd be more likely to meet t3h One). Also, I've always been an artist, and I was too stupid to realize that "you work best for me as a source of inspiration" is incredibly insulting.

If you're looking to score, then just keep doing what you're doing. Just because it hasn't worked in these few instances doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, although I was unlucky enough to witness the incredible skillz of a friend of mine, Aaron, who had sex with over seventy different girls (and pretty ones!) in a single semester. His secret was that he was incredibly confident about his chances of getting laid, and of course the more confident he was and the less he actually cared about each particular girl, the more willing they were to go out to his truck and perform various unsavory acts on him.

I didn't get any at all that semester, in comparison, and I was better looking, more intelligent, and more polite. I was looking for Miss Right, who manifested herself in a series of staggeringly beautiful girls that I would fall madly in love with while drunk and/or stoned at a party. I wrote them poetry, actually gave it to them (while sober -- holy ****, I've never been so scared in my life), and had relationships with them. Brief, because back then I was on this weird sort of Jim Morrison-esque hedonist trip where I wanted to be totally consumed by love, hatred, any and every passion that I could summon up. And girls generally don't go for that, and if they do, they're usually not the kind you want to dive in without your scuba suit. No, they were all more concerned with their safety (emotional and physical) and wanted to go out on these weird group date things at first, then maybe after a couple of those and no overfriendly hands or obscene drunken innuendo or frightening personal revelations, THEN they would want dinner at Garcillio's or whatever that insipid Mexitalian place was.

**** that, man, I wanted to sit in the trees outside their dorms and play Spanish guitar, or hire my friend Alejandro who could play much better flamenco than I, and have them throw themselves out the window and into my arms, and then we'd go eat mescaline, wander out into the desert, and get lost and spend the next beautiful morning chilled to the bone and walking weavily while watching the soccer moms take their children to Sunday School and give us looks that were a little reproachful and a lot mocking.

True romance is dead: it died with date rape, with Girls Gone Wild, with rohypnol and emo music and the Seventies. Forrest Gump made a lot of girls never want to have sex again.

And just be yourself. Because the minute you start acting like a jackass, like Aaron, you're going to meet Miss Right. And chances are, she'll like the Aaron in you, and you'll hate her for it. And that's not the foundation of a beautiful relationship, man.

4JNA

Dec 21, 2007, 12:54 AM

stuff.

QFT.

except i don't have a friend Alejandro, and if i did, i would still play better guitar.

Naimfan

Dec 21, 2007, 01:06 AM

True romance is dead

Not even close . . .

SthrnCmfrtr

Dec 21, 2007, 01:16 AM

QFT.

except i don't have a friend Alejandro, and if i did, i would still play better guitar.

But is it so much fun to watch? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-J294Ro2PI)

scotthayes

Dec 21, 2007, 01:33 AM

work on the percentages. if you talk to enough of the women you see, one of them will respond in the way you want.

c-Row

Dec 21, 2007, 03:12 AM

So fella's, how do you get the fair ladies digits at these places?

I'm 27 now, had two girlfriends, a marriage, a future divorce, and I got no friggin' clue. :confused:

Mechcozmo

Dec 21, 2007, 03:28 AM

Starting out with, "Hello" generally works better than "Oh, bit old for that, aren't you?"

The first way is polite. Sincere. Not condescending. The second way is fine once you're in a relationship, and the girl knows your personality, but until then... "Hey", "Hi", "Hello", "Hiya", are all far better ways to start out a conversation.

But just like Schultz... "I know nothing!"

Blue Velvet

Dec 21, 2007, 03:53 AM

I browsed this one section of the book store and noticed this one girl, alone, looking at this silly children's book. I made a joke about how maybe she was a little to old for that book so as to get a convo going. She then gave me this weird stare and kept saying I don't know. Then she just walked away. Weird...

She may have been shopping for a niece or nephew, she may have even been a classroom assistant. Yet you invade her personal space and privacy with a comment like that and expect her to be charmed? Weird...

What you guys have to realise is that, often, girls don't want or need that sort of approach any more. Many of us are independent, emotionally and financially. You have to step up your game and make an attempt to treat women like people deserving of some respect.

Mechcozmo

Dec 21, 2007, 04:02 AM

You have to step up your game and make an attempt to treat women like people deserving of some respect.

Could you please instill that in some of the people I know who have been bestowed with two X chromosomes? Please? Because nothing is more (well, few things are as) frustrating than to see girls playing into the very stereotypes they complain about later.

A good bit of sense might do 'em some good. So, how about it? Please?

c-Row

Dec 21, 2007, 04:06 AM

Could you please instill that in some of the people I know who have been bestowed with two X chromosomes? Please? Because nothing is more (well, few things are as) frustrating than to see girls playing into the very stereotypes they complain about later.

A good bit of sense might do 'em some good. So, how about it? Please?

I second that. Most girls are only independent as long as it's giving them some advantage. If it's to their disadvantage, they fall back into "Oh no, I can't, I am just a little girl, you know" behaviour. Lame.

Blue Velvet

Dec 21, 2007, 04:22 AM

A good bit of sense might do 'em some good.

Most girls are only independent as long as it's giving them some advantage. If it's to their disadvantage, they fall back into "Oh no, I can't, I am just a little girl, you know" behaviour. Lame.

You're doomed if you go into things with an attitude like that. Widen your social circle. ;)

iBlue

Dec 21, 2007, 04:29 AM

Don't approach large groups of women, especially at pubs. That's the lion's den right there.

Don't try to be 'cute' with lines. Sometimes they just come across as scary. Women are often preyed upon and it's hard to differentiate the psychos from the decent. As a woman you have to be rather on guard because one little slip up can wind you up raped in the back of someone's POS van. Imagine what that is like for just a moment.

Be respectful and don't patronize women.

Realize that sometimes no matter what you do, there's just times when nothing is going to work. It doesn't make all women weird, it just means that this woman is having a bad day and might not be in the mood. Or she might just not like the cut of your jib. whatever. that's life.

Don't give up, just be yourself and give it a go. If it doesn't work out, don't take it too personally. Different strokes for different folks.

P-Worm

Dec 21, 2007, 05:05 AM

iBlue

Dec 21, 2007, 05:11 AM

But what if "Being yourself" is saying those things you just said not to say? I hate this "be yourself" thing. The same people that say it are often the same people to tell a guy how he needs to change.

P-Worm
I always take those goofy lines as something not very genuine. <shrug> If that is being yourself, great, go for it. If it doesn't blow her skirt up, so be it. Better to get that out of the way from the start.

mad jew

Dec 21, 2007, 05:20 AM

Wear a hairnet. They're a particularly clean species.

Mord

Dec 21, 2007, 05:26 AM

But what if "Being yourself" is saying those things you just said not to say? I hate this "be yourself" thing. The same people that say it are often the same people to tell a guy how he needs to change.

P-Worm

Acting like most blokes do in "chat up" mode is not being yourself, being yourself in this context means not putting on a show, by your logic everyone is being themselves as everyone is themselves. In this context it means don't put on a show, just be friendly and start a conversation on equal terms.

If you act like a showoffy twunt to everyone then frankly you're a twunt.

Markleshark

Dec 21, 2007, 05:42 AM

Wear a hairnet. They're a particularly clean species.

You want to come out in Carlisle with me one night mate. ;)

On a side note: Wow, this thread is serious. I guess in a unbeknown to us all, Romance is dead. Never before have I known someone making a (Admittedly bad) joke towards someone trying to spark a conversation being described as 'invade her personal space and privacy'.

Maybe you don't need a female like that CubaTBird, stuck a little too far up her own arse.

c-Row

Dec 21, 2007, 05:59 AM

In this context it means don't put on a show, just be friendly and start a conversation on equal terms.

Which isn't of much use if the only things you usually talk about is 90's video games, web programming, making music in your basement* and... uh... I am running out of topics.

* if you don't play the guitar or a saxophone (instant sex appeal), you are pretty much uninteresting or, in the worst case, weird.

rdowns

Dec 21, 2007, 06:06 AM

I'm rather outgoing and have no trouble approaching women. Best pick up line ever- Hi!

Took me many years to learn that.

Blue Velvet

Dec 21, 2007, 06:15 AM

Never before have I known someone making a (Admittedly bad) joke towards someone trying to spark a conversation being described as 'invade her personal space and privacy'..

She's browsing in a bookshop, not hanging off a pole. But then again, to some people, that's the same thing...

Another word to the wise; don't date out of your league. ;)

Lau

Dec 21, 2007, 06:17 AM

On a side note: Wow, this thread is serious. I guess in a unbeknown to us all, Romance is dead. Never before have I known someone making a (Admittedly bad) joke towards someone trying to spark a conversation being described as 'invade her personal space and privacy'.

It really depends what the situation is. The delivery of a comment like that would be so important. If she was relaxed and it was said in a cheeky and funny way you never know, but equally if some guy sidled up to me in a bookshop and said a book I was flicking through I was too old for I think I would be more inclined to think "What's it to you?!".

Imagine that with the fact you don't know anything about why she was there or what kind of mood she was in – maybe she was having a bad day and just thought "oh for god's sake, piss off" or she could be, I don't know, shopping for her younger sister's second kid's birthday and be thinking "I'm getting so old and still haven't got kids", or a million other things that would mean that comment completely sucked. If you're going to make slightly cheeky comments they're going to work brilliantly some of the time, but you've got to expect them to fall flat sometimes too because you don't know people's situations.

Another way of looking at it is what exactly would you like to have had her say back to you If someone said "You're a bit too old for that."? I have no idea what I'd say."Er, thanks?".

Whenever I strike up a conversation with someone (I mean just friendly conversation anywhere) it usually happens with a kind of trigger – i.e. at a bar and they or I order a drink or make a comment to the barman and they chip in, or something. Just going up to people and randomly talking to them is a bit more full on and means it's pretty obvious you're trying to hit on them. Starting a natural conversation is a bit less threatening (and means they can get a feel as to whether you seem like a nice guy or not during the conversation).

Blue Velvet

Dec 21, 2007, 06:24 AM

Which isn't of much use if the only things you usually talk about is 90's video games, web programming, making music in your basement* and... uh... I am running out of topics.

Ha! Had this conversation with a friend of mine last night who went out with a bloke the other night, and when the conversation turned to computers, she told him she used a Mac... and for the next four hours, he bored her to death talking about Linux. :D

Mord

Dec 21, 2007, 06:35 AM

Which isn't of much use if the only things you usually talk about is 90's video games, web programming, making music in your basement* and... uh... I am running out of topics.

* if you don't play the guitar or a saxophone (instant sex appeal), you are pretty much uninteresting or, in the worst case, weird.

Depends on the girl, geeky girls do exist you just need to socialise in the right scenes.

redAPPLE

Dec 21, 2007, 06:43 AM

Girls in groups of 2 are fine to talk to, and a single girl alone is probably crazy and or looking for some lovin.

hey OP, according to motulist, there is hope! see #2.

simontarr

Dec 21, 2007, 06:58 AM

Depends on the girl, geeky girls do exist you just need to socialise in the right scenes.

<coughs>.....what scenes are these? :p

On a more serious note though, I've found that things work best if you don't actually try. By that I mean, the best situations always come about when you don't mean/expect them to.

Heck, I'm only 19 myself, so can't exactly enlighten anyone on these forums with my vast life experiences! :p

Lau

Dec 21, 2007, 07:03 AM

On a more serious note though, I've found that things work best if you don't actually try. By that I mean, the best situations always come about when you don't mean/expect them to.

Absolutely – I think that's why lines are a bit cheesy, it always seems a bit forced.

simontarr

Dec 21, 2007, 07:09 AM

Absolutely – I think that's why lines are a bit cheesy, it always seems a bit forced.

Yep definitely- I know some friends that can 'use' all those cheesy lines and, generally, it works well for them. However the girls they get, wouldn't be my type.

Regarding the OP then- if bars were 'never your thing' then going up to random girls (and random groups of girls) is not really going to work, I shouldn't think.

c-Row

Dec 21, 2007, 07:10 AM

Depends on the girl, geeky girls do exist you just need to socialise in the right scenes.

As for geeky girls, I am pretty much in the middle of nowhere. ;) There's only one girl I know who's like that, but she kicks her boyfriend's ass in Quake quite regularly.

The only other girls within my circle of friends are either already engaged or not interested in me. Which leads to another problem - whenever I go out with some of them, other girls probably get the impression that we are a couple, so no chance to meet other girls. On the other hand, I totally hate going out alone, and whenever I do, I have a drink, stare at the wall and leave right after that. Ahhh, a vicious circle... :(

<coughs>.....what scenes are these? :p

SuicideGirls maybe? :D

Yep definitely- I know some friends that can 'use' all those cheesy lines and, generally, it works well for them.

Oh yeah, I know that sort of guy. He's a total jackass, but those cheesy pickup lines always work for him. I just pity the girls who fall for him - and usually realize their fault one month later and come to us, crying over the time they wasted with him just prior to falling for the next guy like him...

simontarr

Dec 21, 2007, 07:17 AM

Oh yeah, I know that sort of guy. He's a total jackass, but those cheesy pickup lines always work for him. I just pity the girls who fall for him - and usually realize their fault one month later and come to us, crying over the time they wasted with him just prior to falling for the next guy like him...

So true, so true...

dukebound85

Dec 21, 2007, 07:22 AM

get involved. meeting people with a mutual interest is sooooooooooooooo much better than bars. most girls at bars i wouldnt want to hook up with tbh

show me a girl who enjoys the things i do, whether it be a bike club, church or whatnot and the conversation will be so much more natural due to mutual interest than someone who i have no idea at all what they like or anything

bars are a bit overrated i think. when i go, its with my friends to have a good time not to find a soulmate usually lol

c-Row

Dec 21, 2007, 08:45 AM

Sure, but where do I meet girls who listen to nu skool breaks music and enjoy a good round of Dawn Of War or Dungeons & Dragons? :confused: ;)

Blue Velvet

Dec 21, 2007, 08:47 AM

Sure, but where do I meet girls who listen to nu skool breaks music and enjoy a good round of Dawn Of War or Dungeons & Dragons? :confused: ;)

I likes me some breaks and playing D&D... but I'm 44. :D

c-Row

Dec 21, 2007, 08:51 AM

I likes me some breaks and playing D&D... but I'm 44. :D

Age is just a number, but you are probably too far away from my place. ;)

tobefirst

Dec 21, 2007, 09:09 AM

Age is just a number, but you are probably too far away from my place. ;)

Isn't distance just a number, too? (:

c-Row

Dec 21, 2007, 09:24 AM

Isn't distance just a number, too? (:

But sometimes distance is harder to bridge than age. ;) However, if Blue Velvet is by any chance living in London, I would considering moving. :D

iDAG

Dec 21, 2007, 09:45 AM

If you want to meet someone you don't know and who is looking then I would suggest a internet dating service.

The only time doing something like that in person works if is you know them to some extent. For example, when I asked out my girlfriend, I was her friend but I never really did anything with her outside of school. I was afraid that she would say no but she knew what kind of person I was and she thought I was hot so...:cool:, but really we still have a good relationship and we are both really deeply into each other. Then again I'm only in high school. :)

tobefirst

Dec 21, 2007, 09:52 AM

But sometimes distance is harder to bridge than age. ;) However, if Blue Velvet is by any chance living in London, I would considering moving. :D

I'm pretty sure all people in the UK live in London.

/ignorant american

(;

phillipjfry

Dec 21, 2007, 09:56 AM

So today I went out and about and noticed a few things, being my day off of course ;). Where I live their are a fair number of bars and clubs and gameroom places that feature bars & clubs inside them. Needless to say, some women are just odd (that or I am missing some serious game that I am not aware of). For example at this bar I was at I saw a group of women (four) playing this one particular game in the gameroom area and their was that one that caught my eye. Needless to say I approached and asked if I could join in and see what all the fun was about. They all stared with blank faces at me as if I was some ufo or something and then burst out laughing saying I was "cute" while walking away. I don't comprehend this action, your at a social setting where people hang out and yet your greeted with that? So I shrugged it off and moved on. I saw this other girl playing on another game and asked her how it worked, she explained but then 14 seconds later this dude shows up and says "hey babe lets go get some grub, ya?". A "nice meeting you" followed.

Before I went home I stopped by the bookstore for some latte. I browsed this one section of the book store and noticed this one girl, alone, looking at this silly children's book. I made a joke about how maybe she was a little to old for that book so as to get a convo going. She then gave me this weird stare and kept saying I don't know. Then she just walked away. Weird...

I will admit I have NEVER been to a bar or club. Never really was my scene, but now Im turning 21 and wanted to see what I was missing, if I was missing anything.

So fella's, how do you get the fair ladies digits at these places?

After many failed relationships throughout my short life, I can only tell you what NOT to do :o
But I'll give you somethings to live by that helped me with my latest (and long living) relationship:

Look for someone who will supplement what qualities you already have, instead of having someone who complements what you think you need.

Catch22: Don't look :) It will drive you crazy. Look around but not "look for".

Those were two pieces of advice I got from an old old (....old) couple who had been married 70+ years.

Also, never approach a pack of women, they will not let you pick one of them off from the group and will fight to the death to prevent it. Instead, pick off one of the weaker ones near the rear of the pact :D

STUFF...And that's not the foundation of a beautiful relationship, man...
+1

Everytime I think about relationships, it reminds me of one of my most favorite bash.org quotes (http://bash.org/?414593)

Depends on the girl, geeky girls do exist you just need to socialise in the right scenes.

These social scenes do NOT exist in indiana, I can utterly assure you :(

Blue Velvet

Dec 21, 2007, 09:58 AM

However, if Blue Velvet is by any chance living in London, I would considering moving. :D

I live in London. Right in the very middle. ;)

Although, not as in the middle as dynamicv, but then I don't think he's the girl for you.

Brianstorm91

Dec 21, 2007, 10:35 AM

IMO, never at parties, clubs, pubs etc, but that could just be dependant on your taste.
Always try to strike up conversation somewhere you feel comfortable, for example it's college for me.

c-Row

Dec 21, 2007, 11:13 AM

Everytime I think about relationships, it reminds me of one of my most favorite bash.org quotes (http://bash.org/?414593)

This is so totally true.

Iscariot

Dec 21, 2007, 11:18 AM

I usually open with "When I was born, my stomach was inside out. ... wanna see my scar?" :D

Chicks dig scars. Oh yeah.

c-Row

Dec 21, 2007, 11:21 AM

I usually open with "When I was born, my stomach was inside out. ... wanna see my scar?" :D

Chicks dig scars. Oh yeah.

Does she reply with "Do you want to see where I had my appendix removed? .... Over there, at the hospital."? :p

yellow

Dec 21, 2007, 11:22 AM

Don't try so hard. Believe me, it's obvious even if you think it's well hidden.

Don't take it so personally. Some people just want to be left alone, and ladies in particular might not want to be hit on when looking at children's books, ya?

P-Worm

Dec 21, 2007, 12:50 PM

If you act like a showoffy twunt to everyone then frankly you're a twunt.

So if you are a twunt you shouldn't be yourself? You should only be yourself when others approve?

P-Worm

Iscariot

Dec 21, 2007, 02:02 PM

So if you are a twunt you shouldn't be yourself? You should only be yourself when others approve?

P-Worm

I think if you're "acting like", you're probably not being yourself.

yellow

Dec 21, 2007, 03:32 PM

I think if you're "acting like", you're probably not being yourself.

Semantics. Probably an unfortunate choice of words.

IMO, a lot of people at a young age simply don't know who they are, and therefore have trouble ''being themselves". Consequently, a lot of external influences seep into one's interactions with others.. particularly those of one's amorous interest.

SthrnCmfrtr

Dec 21, 2007, 06:46 PM

IMO, a lot of people at a young age simply don't know who they are, and therefore have trouble ''being themselves". Consequently, a lot of external influences seep into one's interactions with others.. particularly those of one's amorous interest.

I agree. I was going to post about this earlier.... but didn't. :rolleyes:

My wife and I were talking last night and she said she wished she could go back in time and talk to her younger self and tell her it would all be alright, she'd get married to a wonderful guy, etc. I told her it wasn't very nice to lie to one's younger self. Then I kicked her in the face.

I definitely needed to learn how to be myself. Basically, I tried to resist who I was for the longest time -- I wanted to be slick, you know? I wanted to be a cool guy. And I wanted to bang lots of chicks. And I wanted to play guitar in a fantastic rock band. And I wanted to do a lot of drugs.

Only one of those things ended up happening, but I can't remember which.

But my entire life as an "adult" has been trying to figure out who I am. That's a lie. I know who I am -- maybe I've always known -- but there's something else at work there. The language fails. Maybe it's something like "muscle memory" when playing a musical instrument. "Muscle memory for the soul." Yeah, that's the ticket. It's not really comfort with yourself, because a lot of people despise themselves but are themselves nevertheless. And it's not quite knowing what makes you happy, either.

How the hell do you -- does anyone -- figure out something like that? Do you have to try everything? What sort of education do you have, really, in figuring out who you are... other than a long succession of people trying to push you into places where you don't fit?

I kinda thought that was what my philosophy degree was for, but it turned out mostly to be about tedium. Literature -- that can help you figure yourself out. At least a little. You see bits of yourself in characters. Conversation, if it's good. If it's drunken, it's even better. To a point.

Damn, someone should start a thread about this.

Edit: Far out. My AEBS(n) pooped out on me while trying to post this, and then my wife got home and beat me. Apparently, someone in a high place did not want me to post this.

macDonalds

Dec 21, 2007, 06:53 PM

This usually does the trick for me:

Me: Would you happen to be Italian?
Girl: No.
Me: Would you like to have some in you?

Results may vary.

mkrishnan

Dec 21, 2007, 06:54 PM

Then I kicked her in the face.

I didn't know Chuck Norris was on MR, but now that we know that he is, you should listen to him. :D

http://www.antowan.com/joomla/images/funnies/chuck_norris.jpg

alFR

Dec 21, 2007, 07:06 PM

IBut my entire life as an "adult" has been trying to figure out who I am. That's a lie. I know who I am -- maybe I've always known -- but there's something else at work there. The language fails. Maybe it's something like "muscle memory" when playing a musical instrument. "Muscle memory for the soul." Yeah, that's the ticket. It's not really comfort with yourself, because a lot of people despise themselves but are themselves nevertheless. And it's not quite knowing what makes you happy, either.

How the hell do you -- does anyone -- figure out something like that? Do you have to try everything? What sort of education do you have, really, in figuring out who you are... other than a long succession of people trying to push you into places where you don't fit?

I think it's about stripping stuff away and trying to get rid of the filters we impose on how we perceive the world and ourselves, which are the product of how we were raised, our past experiences etc. It'd be better to just see ourselves and the world objectively. Not easy at all though....

GimmeSlack12

Dec 21, 2007, 07:18 PM

You can't be too forward. And you really do have to find the right time. Its an art not a science.

c-Row

Dec 21, 2007, 08:13 PM

I definitely needed to learn how to be myself. Basically, I tried to resist who I was for the longest time -- I wanted to be slick, you know? I wanted to be a cool guy. And I wanted to bang lots of chicks. And I wanted to play guitar in a fantastic rock band. And I wanted to do a lot of drugs.

Only one of those things ended up happening, but I can't remember which.

So it were the drugs, most probably. :p

plumosa

Dec 21, 2007, 08:32 PM

all this advice is assuming you're looking for a girlfriend, not a one-night-stand:

you're going to have much more luck finding a girl in a non-bar social situation. Sign up for a class in something you're interested in, there will be girls there that share your interest.

Girls assume that a stranger talking to them in a bar just wants to get laid, nothing more. Take a girl you already know to a bar, don't try to meet one there.

I know this is probably not the OP but its a serious pet peeve so I must mention it:

Do not tell a girl that you don't know that she has a nice ass/tits/whatever. Compliments are nice, but keep them vague, like 'you look great this evening' I don't like being degraded to my component parts. After you have had actual conversations and are starting to get to know one another, the occasional, "damn, your ass looks great in that skirt" is fine because we know that you don't like us just for our parts.

There are always exceptions to these rules, but its a good place to start.

Cloudane

Dec 21, 2007, 09:21 PM

Well, I can't possibly give any form of worthy advice as I'm 25 and not even been kissed :o So don't take the following as any form of sensible advice.

From what I've observed, read, researched etc... women dig confidence. You know how to most men appearance is what attracts us to women. For women, appearance is nothing - they're attracted to confidence first and foremost.

That's why they often go for the "bad" lads, because generally if a guy is bad he's that way because he's confident enough to defy authority, and in some cases knock the girl around etc. He could be a complete %$£%, and physically violent, doesn't matter as confidence is the main attraction point.

Me, I'm shy as they come. That's why women never go near me with a 10ft pole unless they want friendship. They may hate shyness when it comes to a potential boyfriend, but they LOVE it for a friend and so I'm exactly the type who gets all the "my boyfriends is so nasty, I wish he was nice like you" but "I just don't think of you that way"

Be bold and confident and manly, I reckon. Good luck to both of us :D

Mechcozmo

Dec 21, 2007, 09:46 PM

You're doomed if you go into things with an attitude like that. Widen your social circle. ;)

I just learn from what I see... widening my social circle + life experiences have taught me that. Maybe I shouldn't be so cynical, but I've been told that's my most endearing trait. Really!

Isn't distance just a number, too? (:
Yes, but a very large number that can have major effects on the relationship. No hugs from 2,000 miles away. :(

I'm pretty sure all people in the UK live in London.

/ignorant american

You mean that the UK is a suburb of London? Wow, that makes so much more sense now! I had that backwards...
;)

plumosa

Dec 21, 2007, 09:50 PM

women dig confidence. You know how to most men appearance is what attracts us to women. For women, appearance is nothing - they're attracted to confidence first and foremost.

That's why they often go for the "bad" lads, because generally if a guy is bad he's that way because he's confident enough to defy authority, and in some cases knock the girl around etc. He could be a complete %$£%, and physically violent, doesn't matter as confidence is the main attraction point.

there's a difference between having confidence and being an jerk. confidence is absolutely sexy, but being able to be wrong and not totally freak out is also sexy.

Women that stay in abusing relationships often have very low self esteem and depression. They stay because they fear being alone and don't realize that they can make it on their own. Abusive men will seek out these relationships because no one else will put up with them. Its a horrible cycle and its very hard to extricate oneself after putting that much effort into a relationship.

Please don't think that all women are like that. I have an idea that you are thinking of a specific girl of which you have feelings.

Confidence doesn't have to equal cockiness. If you want to meet girls, ask them questions. get them talking. compliment them on more than their appearance, compliment them on their accomplishments. It will probably take awhile to figure out what's the right mixture of behaviors. Pay attention to body language. a girl will often say more about how she feels about you with body language than with words if you're the only one talking, then she's either bored or not interested, if she's smiling and making eye contact then you might have made a connection. Be open and honest, but don't be too overly enthusiastic.

girls generally equate overly enthusiastic with neediness, and that's not an attractive quality.

I'm just throwing out some generalities, but I'm willing to answer any specific questions...

MikeTheC

Dec 21, 2007, 10:09 PM

Do not tell a girl that you don't know that she has a nice ass/tits/whatever. Compliments are nice, but keep them vague, like 'you look great this evening' I don't like being degraded to my component parts. After you have had actual conversations and are starting to get to know one another, the occasional, "damn, your ass looks great in that skirt" is fine because we know that you don't like us just for our parts.

Well, first off (and you need to understand I've got a smile on my face and I'm laughing as I type this) why do you women dress to accentuate your various "parts" if you really don't want us guys to compliment them then?

In my experience, women are generally pretty vain, especially in the cosmetic, visual sense. They do everything they can to make their bodies more attractive, even in situations that are not "dating" or "looking to pick up a guy" ones; they wear low-cut tops, short skirts, clothes that generally reveal a lot, and so on. And yet, if I were to walk up to a woman who had, for instance, a nice pair of breasts and had dressed in such a way as to accentuate them, and I were to simply say "Wow, you really have beautiful boobs." or somesuch (and for the moment we'll assume I'm not trying to pick them up, etc., just observing and making a comment, no more, no less) I'd get slapped.

And at 35, I still don't "get" women. I suspect most men never do.

However, if at some point I can come up with a question to ask here of you, I'll do so.

plumosa

Dec 21, 2007, 10:28 PM

Plumosa:

I happened across this part of your post and I started laughing. Now, I don't mean I was laughing at you or anything of the kind; it's just it reminded me of some conversations I've had in the past.

Women are generally pretty vain, especially in the cosmetic, visual sense. They do everything they can to make their bodies more attractive, even in situations that are not "dating" or "looking to pick up a guy" ones; they wear low-cut tops, short skirts, clothes that generally reveal a lot, and so on. And yet, if I were to walk up to a woman who had, for instance, a nice pair of breasts and had dressed in such a way as to accentuate them, and I were to simply say "Wow, you really have beautiful boobs." or somesuch (and for the moment we'll assume I'm not trying to pick them up, etc., just observing and making a comment, no more, no less) I'd get slapped.

And at 35, I still don't "get" women. I suspect most men never do.

I think that's a very valid observation. here's what I have to offer:

Women know that first thing that gets a guy's attention is how attractive they are to the guy. There is a huge difference in amount of attention a girl will get depending on how much skin is showing or how flattering an outfit is despite the amount of skin. The same girl in different outfits will get different responses, otherwise we wouldn't have those geek-to-hottie teen movies.

The thing that escapes most men, is that the men's response to this attraction determines how we think of them. There's a huge difference, in our opinion, between flirting and being predatory. When you say "nice boobs" to a girl you don't know, you're being predatory. It takes you off our list of potential mates. We appreciate attention, but we want someone that has tact. There are certain things that you only get to say once you actually know someone. Otherwise you're just being a jerk.

(btw, all you's are general you's and not personal you's)

Iscariot

Dec 21, 2007, 10:31 PM

Semantics. Probably an unfortunate choice of words.

IMO, a lot of people at a young age simply don't know who they are, and therefore have trouble ''being themselves". Consequently, a lot of external influences seep into one's interactions with others.. particularly those of one's amorous interest.

I disagree. The awareness of 'self' develops a lot earlier than the awareness of 'other'. I think you're confusing a period of great personal growth with a lack of identity.

Anyways, the OP called for a bar setting, indicating a minimum age of 19, so I don't think that has much to do with it. "Acting like" a twunt at this age wouldn't occur so much for a lack of self identity, but rather due to a lack of experience.

c-Row

Dec 22, 2007, 06:11 AM

Well, first off (and you need to understand I've got a smile on my face and I'm laughing as I type this) why do you women dress to accentuate your various "parts" if you really don't want us guys to compliment them then?

Good point. I mean, have you ever met a girl that goes shopping for a pair of trousers and says, "Give me the most horrible ones you got so no one looks at my nice bottom"? ;)

Aeolius

Dec 22, 2007, 07:53 AM

Sure, but where do I meet girls who...enjoy a good round of Dawn Of War or Dungeons & Dragons?

Umm... http://www.wizards.com/dnd ?

Heck. most of the players in my Sunday game are women... strike that... the game is online... most of the players SAY they're women. :eek:

Mind you, I'm only in it for the gaming. I've been married for 14 years, now. I met her online... in a virtual bar. (Back when AOL had a chat room called LaPub) ;)

Cloudane

Dec 22, 2007, 08:46 AM

It seems a very fine balance though. If you try just being friendly (in the experience of myself and other people like me) you end up as "just a friend". If you're too flirty, then it's too strong and you're a jerk / predator / creep. It's a very fine balance that presumably comes with practice.

Mord

Dec 22, 2007, 09:51 AM

So if you are a twunt you shouldn't be yourself? You should only be yourself when others approve?

P-Worm

no, I'm all in favour of being a absolute twunt for *****'n giggles, the key is to socialise with people who enjoy the company of other twunts, however approaching random women in book stores and bars and being a **** is going to piss off 99% of them it's frankly antisocial.

Kwyjibo

Dec 22, 2007, 10:39 AM

This thread has a brilliant mix of horrible and good advice.

Someone said don't approach girls in groups ... wtf! Approaching groups is best, its a little more difficult I'll admit but the payoff is much better. If you win the group, its much easier to win the girl. You can isolate one of them and her friends won't be dragging her all around and back to the group ... because they trust you. The key word there is trust. You're a good guy, you met all of them, you weren't afraid of them, oh yeah and you're the center of attention. And if you want to get in a relationship with a girl, you date her friends ... why wait to meet them.

If you're really afraid of being rejected you aren't at all ready to meet girls and have relationships.

There's no problem with meeting a girl just about anywhere. If you like to go out, and she likes to go out, no problem meeting at a bar. Guess what, going out is a common interest.

Don't date out of your league? This is a question of opinion and confidence. I would be depressed if I was not dating up.

But enough bashing for a minute. There is good advice here. Confidence is awesome, women look for leaders. Being a leader is sexy and will build attraction. Body language is also key in projecting confidence.

Just remember, that you're special, you're the prize. If you live with that kind of attitude it will work out well. If anyone has any specific questions shoot me a PM.

macguymike

Jan 3, 2008, 07:46 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MikeTheC View Post
Well, first off (and you need to understand I've got a smile on my face and I'm laughing as I type this) why do you women dress to accentuate your various "parts" if you really don't want us guys to compliment them then?
Good point. I mean, have you ever met a girl that goes shopping for a pair of trousers and says, "Give me the most horrible ones you got so no one looks at my nice bottom"?

I've often wondered about this myself.

NAG

Jan 3, 2008, 08:19 PM

no, I'm all in favour of being a absolute twunt for *****'n giggles, the key is to socialise with people who enjoy the company of other twunts, however approaching random women in book stores and bars and being a **** is going to piss off 99% of them it's frankly antisocial.

If anything you should have commented on the book and not the person shopping. Of course I'm 24 and have never dated for some odd reason (and no, I'm not fat...I guess that means I'm overly self-conscious lol).

AP_piano295

Jan 3, 2008, 08:42 PM

Be on a couch with a girl new years eve....it works :D

dukebound85

Jan 3, 2008, 08:44 PM

Be on a couch with a girl new years eve....it works :D

oh i bet!

mcarnes

Jan 3, 2008, 08:47 PM

It's really a shame you can't just do your secretary like you could in the good old days. Now there's all these laws and stuff.

smokeyrabbit

Jan 3, 2008, 09:21 PM

It's really a shame you can't just do your secretary like you could in the good old days. Now there's all these laws and stuff.

My wife is my only employee now, and what with the kids at home, work is the only place ... uh ... :eek::cool:

Silencio

Jan 3, 2008, 10:02 PM

My wife and I were talking last night and she said she wished she could go back in time and talk to her younger self and tell her it would all be alright.

I would tell my younger self the same thing. Or, if I had to keep it really short and sweet, I would just tell myself: "Don't take everything so seriously!" Enjoy the moment, but there will be plenty of other moments to follow.

Iscariot

Jan 3, 2008, 10:28 PM

Be on a couch with a girl new years eve....it works :D

Why only one?

mad jew

Jan 3, 2008, 10:31 PM

Two couches get uncomfortable after a while.

Iscariot

Jan 3, 2008, 10:34 PM

Two couches get uncomfortable after a while.

That's because you're not using the ottoman properly.

mad jew

Jan 3, 2008, 11:41 PM

Pun of the day, mate! :D

yetanotherdave

Jan 4, 2008, 12:37 AM

Meetin women? God, there's an eternal question.
My advice is not to take my advice, some of the most destructive relationships I've had were with the women I got on best with, who I met in pubs/parties/regular social situations, some of the best were people I met on IRC. I'm married to a woman I met on livejournal/IRC. I've also met some pychos online.

There is such a thing as the "friends zone" enter it and you'll never leave it without being broken into a total emotional state.
If she already has a boyfriend she already has a boyfriend. Forget a relationship, you will be in the "friends zone" before that relationship ends.
That bashorg quote a few pages back is truth.
Confidence is king.
If she's stupid but adorable, she will not stay stupid but adorable. She will become stupid and annoying. Fast.

shecky

Jan 4, 2008, 12:54 AM

there are exactly two rules to meeting women with romantic intent:

rule 1: be confident.

rule 2: see rule 1.

juanster

Jan 4, 2008, 12:59 AM

Why only one?

lol oh new years,, it was a fun day...;)

Daveway

Jan 4, 2008, 01:17 AM

There is such a thing as the "friends zone" enter it and you'll never leave it without being broken into a total emotional state.

God do I know what that feels like. All to often does this happen..:mad:

It take a long time to coax your way out of that heavily guarded wall.

juanster

Jan 4, 2008, 01:23 AM

God do I know what that feels like. All to often does this happen..:mad:

It take a long time to coax your way out of that heavily guarded wall.

i agree... and there are two reasons why this happen, either the guy is just too slow and take too long so it goes into the "f-zone" or there are other guys like me who just can't actually start likin
g a girl until getting to know her well enough an dthen it's too late you are already in the "f-zone"... both of them suck...

n00basaur

Jan 4, 2008, 01:30 AM

yetanotherdave

Jan 4, 2008, 01:46 AM

Respect is earned.

It's also lost.
Everyone deserves some level of respect to start out. They then either earn or lose respect. No one deserves to be treated disrespectfully just because they haven't yet had a chance to earn respect.

ktbubster

Jan 4, 2008, 02:29 AM

i agree... and there are two reasons why this happen, either the guy is just too slow and take too long so it goes into the "f-zone" or there are other guys like me who just can't actually start likin
g a girl until getting to know her well enough an dthen it's too late you are already in the "f-zone"... both of them suck...

I wish more guys thought like this.

My most successful relationships (I know... I'm only 23 and only had 5 bfs and was just dated a few folks... once but still) have been with people who were my friends first.

My second bf and I were practically best friends for about 2 years before we started dating, part of the time I had a current bf too.

My current bf (of about 3 years) and I were really good friends since about sophmore year of highschool. I actually remember saying a few times "I don't think i'd ever date him and him about me" mainly because we weren't really single and that's just how we were... but we got together our sophmore year of college and have been together ever since.

All in all, Ive always been friends with a lot of guys (girls just bug me... we are bitches to eachother.. there are only like 3 i can stand as friends) and I had very few that I discounted BECAUSE they were my friend or in the friend zone. There were some that I always thought "hey i could date him maybe and some that i was like "eh. couldn't date you period" but i usually prefer being friends with a guy... and tend to like guys after i've been friend with them for a while.

I guess i'm the opposite of most girls. Personally i see guys turned off by the friend thing a lot too though. I think friendship is a great basis for a relationship. If more people could focus on that over anything else, we might have a higher success rate in marriage now a days :)

Now i'm just babbling though. It's late and time for beddy bye.

P.S. I also have a pair of friends who were friends for like 4 years before they started dating. The friend zone didn't bother them in the least. They are getting married in June :)

Cloudane

Jan 4, 2008, 06:48 AM

Hope this doesn't sound rude/shallow but I often observe that the better looking the girl, the more likely she'll only go for the real confident (bordering on arrogant) guys and do all the stereotypical "friend zone" stuff and game playing. The more you head towards the uh, opposite, the more likely it is that they actually like the nice/shy/quiet lads.

Maybe it's because the "nice guys" are less likely to call her fat or whatever.

It's so difficult to just "be confident" when you're of the shy/modest personality unfortunately!

Lau

Jan 4, 2008, 07:05 AM

Maybe it's because the "nice guys" are less likely to call her fat or whatever.

Hmm. :p

Actually, it's possible that it's more about how people view themselves.

I'm sure I read some study ages ago that said it wasn't about how attractive you actually are, it's about how attractive you think you are. If I remember rightly, they got a load of couples to rate their looks out of ten, and it turned out that people who thought of themselves as 10/10 would be most likely to be with someone who also rated themselves as about 10/10. And the same for 7/10, 3/10 and so on. It didn't matter how attractive they actually are, but how attractive they saw themselves as being.

Interesting, I thought, and it makes sense.

It's so difficult to just "be confident" when you're of the shy/modest personality unfortunately!

Don't forget there's quiet confidence too (in my opinion the best kind) – just having the confidence to be yourself. Even if that's being able to say "I'm really shy" – if it's your personality, just get on with it, just be positive and confident about it, i.e. modesty fine, just don't put yourself down. :)

iBlue

Jan 4, 2008, 07:11 AM

^ good post, Lau (had to edit this in, didn't see yours before I posted)

Don't forget there's quiet confidence too (in my opinion the best kind) – just having the confidence to be yourself. Even if that's being able to say "I'm really shy" – if it's your personality, just get on with it, just be positive and confident about it, i.e. modesty fine, just don't put yourself down.
couldn't agree more.

Hope this doesn't sound rude/shallow but I often observe that the better looking the girl, the more likely she'll only go for the real confident (bordering on arrogant) guys and do all the stereotypical "friend zone" stuff and game playing. The more you head towards the uh, opposite, the more likely it is that they actually like the nice/shy/quiet lads.

Maybe it's because the "nice guys" are less likely to call her fat or whatever.
...
it does sound that way, rude and shallow, and rather uniformed, to put it kindly.
Well, I can't possibly give any form of worthy advice as I'm 25 and not even been kissed :o ...
hmmmm.

FYI, There is a BIG difference between confidence and being a prick. A woman without self confidence issues of her own will not go for that BS.

There is nothing wrong with being a nice guy but if you've got no confidence in yourself, people will have no confidence in you either.