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View Full Version : when is it absolutely necessary to burn them bridges?


krossfyter
Jan 2, 2004, 07:31 PM
Burn your bridges-To eliminate any possibility of a retreat to a former position. To completely sever ones relationship/s

Im curious as to see what everyones thoughts on this matter is. When do you know enough is enough? I usually let the relationship severe itself because i am more the passive aggressive type... until recently i have been thinking about initiating such a drastic act because it may be the best possible solution as oppose to not initiating it.

For instance in a relationship with a girl... i allow them to severe it for us... i dont do it because im thinking about the girls feelings first. I want to take most of the burden of the feelings that come as a result of the burning of the bridge.... i.e. the person doing the dumping will feel better then the person being dumped on.
This is a system i use in order to make the other party feel the least possible hurt and to build up my internal strength and or tolerance. However I have been told recently that I may be actually doing more damage to the other party.

What are your thoughts on the generals of this post or the detail sistuation i just laid out?

revenuee
Jan 2, 2004, 07:34 PM
Are you just trying to figure out a fancy way to ask how to dumb your G/F?

I do it quickly, and sever all contact

krossfyter
Jan 2, 2004, 07:40 PM
no im not actually. im just trying to see what kind of responses i cant get on this type of topic. i learn from peoples expierences. ive never actually recieved a formuliac answer on when to burn your bridge.. you know a formula of some sort.
also ive never had a response on my more detailed situation... i also want to see what some people on here.. around the world.. think of it. thats all.
im not with anyone at the moment and im loving it.

fugeelama
Jan 2, 2004, 08:11 PM
I just had a falling out with my best friend of 6 years. To make a long story short, I wasn't happy with the way things had been lately and someone told her before I did. Rather than defend myself in any sort of way (I, too, being the passive type), I let her burn the bridge between us. It's been a few months now, but I really don't regret it. I can't recommend that you outright sever all contact with someone, but if you're thinking about it remember that often times your gut instinct is right...

krossfyter
Jan 2, 2004, 08:14 PM
hmmm...you let her burn the bridge and you feel better about it? interesting...elaborate please.

voicegy
Jan 2, 2004, 09:13 PM
Burning a bridge is always dependent upon the individual circumstance. I don't take a particular course of action each time, as each circumstance is different and depends upon the people involved.

revenuee
Jan 2, 2004, 09:31 PM
Originally posted by krossfyter
hmmm...you let her burn the bridge and you feel better about it? interesting...elaborate please.

If i want out of relationship ... i would rather figure out a way for them to end it with me ... that way ... they don't feel bad about being dumbed ... and since i wanted it to be over ... i really don't feel bad about being dumbed eaither

pseudobrit
Jan 2, 2004, 10:44 PM
Never burn your bridges completely.

Always be the gentleman. Always rise above the pettiness your anger may seek.

pseudobrit
Jan 2, 2004, 10:45 PM
BTW, why do you want to dump this girl?

revenuee
Jan 2, 2004, 10:52 PM
Originally posted by pseudobrit
BTW, why do you want to dump this girl?

he already said he doesn't want to dumb anyone

Stelliform
Jan 2, 2004, 11:20 PM
.....

krossfyter
Jan 3, 2004, 10:51 PM
Originally posted by revenuee
If i want out of relationship ... i would rather figure out a way for them to end it with me ... that way ... they don't feel bad about being dumbed ... and since i wanted it to be over ... i really don't feel bad about being dumbed eaither


thats exactly what i did. but im worried about it causing more damage. im not sure ... which is why im curious or asking. but what you laid out makes perfect sense.

krossfyter
Jan 3, 2004, 10:52 PM
Originally posted by pseudobrit
Never burn your bridges completely.

Always be the gentleman. Always rise above the pettiness your anger may seek.

good point there.

i like this attitude.

however can anger be a gift?

FunkyGuitarGirl
Jan 3, 2004, 11:25 PM
If you are lucky, your life will be a long road and sometimes, those roads come full circle...if you burn a bridge, your butt is stuck with no where to go.

If a relationship is not working out, if it has simply run it's course, then there is no NEED to burn bridges. However, if you are in a relationship in which your needs are not being met or you are being mistreated or the person simply is not what you need, I think it is important to be open, honest and clear about your feelings and to TELL that person what those feelings/thoughts are. You may be surprised at how they react. I think sometimes when one passively lets a relationship go, one may be running from something within him/herself.

krossfyter
Jan 3, 2004, 11:46 PM
Originally posted by FunkyGuitarGirl
If you are lucky, your life will be a long road and sometimes, those roads come full circle...if you burn a bridge, your butt is stuck with no where to go.

If a relationship is not working out, if it has simply run it's course, then there is no NEED to burn bridges. However, if you are in a relationship in which your needs are not being met or you are being mistreated or the person simply is not what you need, I think it is important to be open, honest and clear about your feelings and to TELL that person what those feelings/thoughts are. You may be surprised at how they react. I think sometimes when one passively lets a relationship go, one may be running from something within him/herself.

Interesting comments. Thanks for responding. I can say that I do agree with you. However I want you to elaborate a little more on your last sentence.

"I think sometimes when one passively lets a relationship go, one may be running from something within him/herself."

How you figure? For example?

FunkyGuitarGirl
Jan 3, 2004, 11:52 PM
Originally posted by krossfyter
Interesting comments. Thanks for responding. I can say that I do agree with you. However I want you to elaborate a little more on your last sentence.

"I think sometimes when one passively lets a relationship go, one may be running from something within him/herself."

How you figure? For example?

Perhaps one just lets things slip away rather than saying what is on one's mind because one does not want to be left open to someone else's commentary... End of relationship dialogues can be very painful and/or very eye opening. It's easier to just leave the scene than to face the fact that one may be the problem/issue in the relationship not working.

pseudobrit
Jan 4, 2004, 12:48 AM
Originally posted by krossfyter
good point there.

i like this attitude.

however can anger be a gift?

Why are you giving this girl anything? If it's over you don't owe her anything and shouldn't bother with such notions.

You know what I'm gonna buy my ex-girlfriends for Valentine's Day? The same thing I bought 'em for Christmas. Nothing. How many of them have I bothered to keep in touch with? None. Why? Because there's no point in it. It's over; there's nothing in it for me, and at the end of the day I've got better things and people in which to invest my emotions, thoughts and time.

Be a gentleman and bow out quickly and without looking back.

scem0
Jan 4, 2004, 03:27 AM
Originally posted by pseudobrit
Never burn your bridges completely.

Always be the gentleman. Always rise above the pettiness your anger may seek.

What if you were in an abusive relationship?

I agree with you though, you should try to rise above what your tempted to do, but I disagree that you should never burn your bridges completely. Sometimes there's no choice.

scem0

true777
Jan 4, 2004, 04:38 AM
First of all, initiating a relational breakup and "burning bridges completely" are obviously two different things.

Regarding the former, I have a suspicion that "not initiating the breakup in order not to hurt the other's feelings" is more often than not a cheap excuse for being too chicken, or too inadequate a communicator, to speak up and say the words. I believe in most cases, by not speaking up, not being clear, not being honest, you're doing more harm to the other person's feelings than you're avoiding. Why? Because uncertainty about something important is an extremely painful state to be in, and you are being wishy-washy, giving mixed signals, creating uncertainty in the other person. I mean, they are not dumb. They can feel something's not right, yet they don't know what's up. So they start worrying... Why are you not speaking up? Is it because you are unhappy, but would like to fix the relationship? Is it fixable? Should they make extra attempts to fix it? Or, if you wanted to end it, why wouldn't you just do so? They will ponder this, and it will be painful and worrysome to them. A clean end would be much easier on the girl (unless she's super shallow, in which case it won't matter one way or the other).

When you do initiate a breakup, studies have shown that the one thing that helps make it easier on the other person is to constantly mention their positive qualities while discussing the breakup. Much more than you'd normally do, and do NOT discuss their negative qualities in great detail. Sure, you should give them honest hints as to why it didn't work for you, but you should really focus on their positive sides, so they can feel good about themselves, and confident about going into a new relationship in the future.

Regarding burning bridges, that's an easy one. I think unless *you* are shallow enough to pick girlfriends not for their personality (but for looks, etc), there really isn't a reason to burn bridges. I mean, you liked that person before, enough to make them your favorite person, so why would you not be able to value and enjoy their personal qualities in a context other than an intimate relationship?

However, I would burn bridges completely in the following instances: After a relationship that was GREATLY unequal (e.g., with someone who's extremely dependent, clinging; or someone who was financially needy, constantly asking you to loan her $$, etc); one that was abusive (not just physically, but someone who constantly tried to put you down or hurt/use/abuse your feelings); or otherwise just plain "wrong" (major drug addict, fake suicide attempts, scams, lying, etc). ESPECIALLY if despite all that's bad, you still feel that a tiny part of you still loves her and wants to go back, even though you know it's completely WRONG and you shouldn't. That's dangerous and you need to burn your bridges until you can honestly say that you have no romantic interest in her anymore whatsoever.

Just my 2c.

pseudobrit
Jan 4, 2004, 10:57 AM
Originally posted by scem0
What if you were in an abusive relationship?

I agree with you though, you should try to rise above what your tempted to do, but I disagree that you should never burn your bridges completely.

Don't get me wrong, if you feel cheated and slighted, it's perfectly alright to be a bit of a dick on your way out, just don't flip out totally and make a fool of yourself. Don't be that person.

Play it cool and no one will lose respect for you -- including yourself.

cr2sh
Jan 4, 2004, 11:30 AM
As far as burning bridges.. I've always found that nothing lasts forever.

I've broken it off with chicks so many times and then a few months later you get this big, retrospective email from them about how they understand things better. In my jaded experience they don't... but that's besides the point.

You can break it off... you can be an *******... you can decide that 'this time its forever' but it never is... you'll run into her in some bar... you'll see her at some party... and it starts again. The hopes you have for a person, as great as they are, don't go away... they just hide in your dissapointment/anger/frustration.

It comes down to 'what are you getting fromthe situation?/relationship' I like to live my life as exhausting possibilities, I'm willing to try something until I know it doesn't work... then I'm going to move on and try other things. In that way burning bridges doesn't carry this great weight.. you just want what's best for yourself..

That's just me though... it can be rough, if you need to talk abouit anything we're here man. :)

krossfyter
Jan 4, 2004, 02:41 PM
Originally posted by FunkyGuitarGirl
Perhaps one just lets things slip away rather than saying what is on one's mind because one does not want to be left open to someone else's commentary... End of relationship dialogues can be very painful and/or very eye opening. It's easier to just leave the scene than to face the fact that one may be the problem/issue in the relationship not working.

agreed.
will you consider a person not caring about going throw it because they are simply apathetic to the end process? much like one who gets tired of it and doesnt care anymore. would you consider this being the sole reason? you know been there done that... tired of caring about saying good bye.

krossfyter
Jan 4, 2004, 02:43 PM
Originally posted by pseudobrit
Why are you giving this girl anything? If it's over you don't owe her anything and shouldn't bother with such notions.

You know what I'm gonna buy my ex-girlfriends for Valentine's Day? The same thing I bought 'em for Christmas. Nothing. How many of them have I bothered to keep in touch with? None. Why? Because there's no point in it. It's over; there's nothing in it for me, and at the end of the day I've got better things and people in which to invest my emotions, thoughts and time.

Be a gentleman and bow out quickly and without looking back.

nah nah im not talking about anyone particular. im not with anyone. i just want to open dialouge in this area to learn more from it... to see if what i have been doing in this past is good or bad.

Dros
Jan 4, 2004, 03:03 PM
Originally posted by true777

Regarding the former, I have a suspicion that "not initiating the breakup in order not to hurt the other's feelings" is more often than not a cheap excuse for being too chicken, or too inadequate a communicator, to speak up and say the words.

This is the only statement in this thread that makes sense to me. People don't want to hurt the other person's feeling so they passive aggressively change the relationship so they get dumped? That isn't being nice, it is being cruel while wanting to maintan a self-perception of being "the good guy". If you don't want to be in a relationship, then the partner shouldn't waste time on you. I agree, people who resort to making the other person dump them just don't have courage to be honest.

krossfyter
Jan 4, 2004, 03:09 PM
Originally posted by Dros
This is the only statement in this thread that makes sense to me. People don't want to hurt the other person's feeling so they passive aggressively change the relationship so they get dumped? That isn't being nice, it is being cruel while wanting to maintan a self-perception of being "the good guy". If you don't want to be in a relationship, then the partner shouldn't waste time on you. I agree, people who resort to making the other person dump them just don't have courage to be honest.


good point. this what i started questioning about myself recently. but i can say with all honesty that went this route not because i was too chicken (i would admit it too), ive dumped someone before and i hate how it made them feel, but because i really didnt want them to hurt as bad as i am hurt.. i know it sounds corny but its true.

by the way someone pointed out that there is a difference between this and burning a bridge... which is obvious but i failed to make the initial distinction. i apologize.

FunkyGuitarGirl
Jan 4, 2004, 03:43 PM
Originally posted by krossfyter
agreed.
will you consider a person not caring about going throw it because they are simply apathetic to the end process? much like one who gets tired of it and doesnt care anymore. would you consider this being the sole reason? you know been there done that... tired of caring about saying good bye.

Apathy is a sad and dangerous place to allow yourself to get to in matters of the heart...that says to me that things had been going on for a while and maybe had not been addressed. But i think it still applies...you gotta smell your own poop too.

krossfyter
Jan 4, 2004, 04:38 PM
so you would consider it a reason or part of the reason.


when things of the heart are of concern then the field of the game changes... i hear ya.

but my point is to lessen the blow to the other party... thats what part of this post is about.

now will allowing the other party to innitiate the break up be better for that person

or


will the other party be better by you innitiating the break up

???


thats the question im trying to ask here.

voicegy
Jan 4, 2004, 11:17 PM
krossfyter, you're asking the impossible. There are no guarantees when it comes to affairs of the heart specifically, when a breakup is in the air. There is no one answer...no one "perfect" way to end something where there are no feelings hurt, everyone is understanding, and life moves on as if nothing ever happened.

Only YOU know the answser that you seek. You know yourself best. You know the other person better than we do. I realise that you're not CURRENTLY in a situation where you're facing such a decision (burning a bridge) but you're asking if what you've done in the past is either "good or bad." Each situation is different, and has to be looked at anew each time it may come up.

You can't be responsible for another's reactions. You do the course that seems right to you at the time, after a lot of thought and (I assume) some prayer for guidence, and you move. Or don't move. Just ask yourself if you can respect yourself afterwards...that you did things to the best of your abilities at the time.

Dros
Jan 5, 2004, 12:45 AM
Originally posted by krossfyter
but my point is to lessen the blow to the other party... thats what part of this post is about.

now will allowing the other party to innitiate the break up be better for that person

thats the question im trying to ask here.

It sounds OK when you put it that way. But what does it really mean? It means that you have decided you don't want to be in a relationship. Now, how do you "allow the other party to initiate the break-up"?

I can only think that means you change your behavior so that the other person decides they don't want to be in a relationship with you. Which means you need to be what? Non-responsive, no longer attentive, subtly irritating. This is being kind to the person? The person they were in love with suddenly becomes a jerk and this is going to make them feel good?

What if the partner is just as passive aggressive as you? Months of sullen exchanges, apathetic get togethers before someone mercifully pulls the plug.

I said before, if a relationship isn't working out and you respect the person, first explore together how the relationship could be made better. If that doesn't work, make a clean break. I have a feeling someone that doesn't want to initiate a break-up will also be the kind of person to be guilted into returning into a bad relationship or be a tease... leaving concerned messages to see how they are, etc, which just makes the person think there is still a chance.

cr2sh
Jan 5, 2004, 03:18 AM
Break it off and be honest, but not too honest. For instance, DO NOT MENTION THIS THREAD. :)