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View Full Version : You think I was too harsh?


SlasherDuff
Feb 10, 2009, 01:53 PM
Me and my husband have these friends, let's call them, "Tina" and "Matt"

Tina, and her husband, Matt are the sloppiest of people, and they don't really care how they live, or what kind of life they live with heir kids. Matt works all day, and Tina stays home with the kids. All of the day she would veg out at the computer, and yell at her kids. She hardly exercises, and hardly eats. If she does eat, it's large bags of candy from Sam's Club, or other junk. So yeah she is overweight. She calls my husband to complain about how much her life sucks, and how much she wishes to lose weight, and other things. Yet she continues to live in that same pattern, and she has this "I don't give a spit" attitude about herself. I dread going to their place, because of how disgusting it is. They let their youngest daughter pee all over the furniture, they have a lot of animals they really don't take care of, and the house itself is nasty, with piles of dirty dishes all over the table, countertops, and anywhere else in the house. Dirty cloths cover the floors, along with dirt and dog feces. I feel like I have to soak myself in bleach to get myself clean once I come home.

Yesterday, Tina called us, saying that she had chest pains and shortness of breath. She asked if hubby could come over and watch the kids, at the same time, she was pining for my sympathy. I came back with a "You don't need to sleep off whatever you have, you need to get your butt to a hospital". After that, possibly change your habits." She came back saying 'I hope you realize that my mother has heart problems" I said back, "And so this is the perfect time to start giving a spit about yourself, Get yourself to a doctor." She started to cry, and hung up. I told hubby what happened and he called he back. She must have told him that I was out to draw blood, and he told her in the end that he was going to "Deal with me" Which in the end he agreed that I had to say what I needed to say to her. Matt was at work, he had to be present at a mandatory meeting. So calling him out would have been useless. So she called hubby to help her watch the kids while she "Slept it off" I swear I could have slapped her.

After hubby came home, he said he had a lengthy discussion with Matt, concerning Tina and her health. He said that he would be a better boost and motivator for her to get her health, and her life back into shape.

So after all of this is said and done, Tina think I was being a bit harsh to her, that maybe I thought of it as being a little more than just being a minor complication. "Chest pain" and "shortness of breath" rang bells to me, since my family has a long history of heart problems. One cannot sleep it off, that needs prompt care. I was direct with her, since she was again pining me for sympathy, that she was in pain, she expected me to say, "Awww you poor thing you, I'll send my husband right away" when I know for a fact that she did this to herself, and deserves no sympathy what so ever.

So , was I harsh? Or did I give her much deserved cummuffance?

Sorry this was long

EricNau
Feb 10, 2009, 01:58 PM
I think you acted very appropriately. Had I been in your position I probably would have driven over to her house and taken her to the hospital, whether she wanted to go or not.

NT1440
Feb 10, 2009, 02:01 PM
You lost me at "pee all over the furniture" :confused:

H$R
Feb 10, 2009, 02:01 PM
No I think it was alright. At least I would have said something similar. I tend to be pretty direct, but I just don't like lying at people. And most people know that they do something wrong, they just don't want to admit it to themselves.

Bitter truth is better than sweet lies...

She better should change something about her life (and their children's!)

I bet when she's really been changing (assuming she takes it serious; maybe a doctor will give her some motivation) in the future, she might will get back to you to say thank you for changing her mind. Hopefully.

r1ch4rd
Feb 10, 2009, 02:12 PM
I don't think you were harsh. Hopefully, in the same situation I would say the same things. You said what you believed and it sounds like solid advice to me.

SlasherDuff
Feb 10, 2009, 02:20 PM
I sort of thought I wasn't being harsh until I asked my husband about it later. Possibly that was a bad idea in itself. He basically said that it was sound advice, but "poorly delivered"

And about their kid peeing all over the house, they seem to have a system about the kids being in diapers. They let them "air dry" so they don't develop rashes. I don't agree with this method, but who am I to tell them how to raise their kids.

I guess if the roles were reversed, in the moment I would have been hurt, but in the end, it would have been better for me to hear the words in the long run. So that is where I stand. I am just glad that I am not looked at as a person who intentionally likes to hurt others feelings.

jemeinc
Feb 10, 2009, 02:21 PM
Is it possible to be too hash to someone that let's their children pee all over the furniture?

Consultant
Feb 10, 2009, 02:51 PM
First paragraph:
I would contact child protection services.

The rest of it:
Not harsh in my standards. Depends on who I talk to, some people will listen and understand,
others that are narrow minded will be offended.

trule
Feb 10, 2009, 03:03 PM
I have a friend who has trouble saving money. He and his wife earn good money. He complains about it most of the time, wants to buy a house and needs a deposit.

So I tell him he should save and how to do it....then he goes and spends several months pay on a water bed and then the same again on freezing umbilical fluids from his new baby just incase she gets sick and then is a cure invented in the next 18 years (ie first the baby has to get sick, then a cure that uses the umbilical fluids has to be invented for that sickness - more chance that he will run over the kid in his car....).

Point being, this guy blows cash on stuff that is dubious at best using decision making that is not at all rational, so he will never get savings together for a house.

But its not my problem.

He is large, admits he needs to exercise, never does anything. I say lets go for a bike ride some time....nope, and then he breaths down a few 100 grams of chocolate.

But its not my problem.



Ultimately if your friend has chest pain and a family history of heart problems then she should be able to figure it out, nobody can be that stupid. If she does not have the motivation to get help then I say let Darwin do his work and step out of the way...or if you want to help, just offer to take her to a doctor or call an ambulance. Tell her to call back if the pain gets worse and offer to check up on her in the evening etc..

Some people don't want to be helped, I respect that, and some people can't be helped, thats life.

SlasherDuff
Feb 10, 2009, 03:05 PM
First paragraph:
I would contact child protection services.



I don't want to have to jump to conclusions, since the kids seem not to have signs of abuse or neglect . Just the living arrangements are dirty. Although I have noticed the last time I visited there, most of the dogs and cats were gone, and a lot of the house was clean. That could be due to the fact that they are in the market looking for a house as of now. Other than that, thanks.

heehee
Feb 10, 2009, 03:18 PM
Too harsh? That women needs a smack. :mad:

Iscariot
Feb 10, 2009, 04:06 PM
We're often too harsh to or about people who are overweight and out of shape. I can be one of the worst ones. But being overweight and out of shape are as much emotionally crippling as they are physically crippling. Being constantly judged leads to feelings of depression and embarrassment, which certainly are not motivating.

Getting into shape, losing weight and exercising can be paralyzingly complicated. Stores are full of foods labeled with omega-this, low-that, carb-free doodads and pills, shakes, vitamins and powders that re-balance, cut, stimulate or absorb this or that. Exercise equipment is needlessly complex, fitness magazines rife with ads for supplements and machines, and gyms full of people looking to sell you anything but better health. It's profoundly confusing, debilitating and embarrassing.

It's not like you get a decent understanding of nutrition or phys ed at school, so it really shouldn't be surprising that the nation is in a state of such ill health.

toolbox
Feb 10, 2009, 04:07 PM
Too harsh? That women needs a smack. :mad:

True, if you have chest pains and shortness of breath you don't sit around complaining you get your self to a doctor.

skunk
Feb 10, 2009, 04:48 PM
Too harsh? That women needs a smack. :mad:True, if you have chest pains and shortness of breath you don't sit around complaining, you ask someone to come round and physically assault you.

Rt&Dzine
Feb 10, 2009, 06:23 PM
Getting into shape, losing weight and exercising can be paralyzingly complicated. Stores are full of foods labeled with omega-this, low-that, carb-free doodads and pills, shakes, vitamins and powders that re-balance, cut, stimulate or absorb this or that. Exercise equipment is needlessly complex, fitness magazines rife with ads for supplements and machines, and gyms full of people looking to sell you anything but better health. It's profoundly confusing, debilitating and embarrassing.

It's not like you get a decent understanding of nutrition or phys ed at school, so it really shouldn't be surprising that the nation is in a state of such ill health.

You're not just whistling Dixie! And most doctors don't have an understanding of nutrition either. If the house is that filthy and unkept she may have depression.

LeahM
Feb 10, 2009, 06:32 PM
I would have just told her that if she didn't go then I would call the ambulance. But I think afterwards would have been more appropriate to tell her that she's a slob.

Schtumple
Feb 10, 2009, 06:38 PM
First paragraph:
I would contact child protection services.

The rest of it:
Not harsh in my standards. Depends on who I talk to, some people will listen and understand,
others that are narrow minded will be offended.

That! If you do anything, do that! Good god.

Abstract
Feb 10, 2009, 06:39 PM
I think you were harsh, but that's not to imply that you did the wrong thing.

Sometimes you need to be harsh.

rpaloalto
Feb 10, 2009, 06:51 PM
Not harsh enough!
Why is she asking for your Husband to come to her house? To babysit for her while her Husband is away? Sounds suspicious to me.:eek:

marbles
Feb 10, 2009, 07:04 PM
No .
I'd have phoned an ambulance, said nothing till I saw the person later on, told them what they need to know!,then walked out and not have any contact with those folks again, unless they cleaned up,......... or are related in which case I'd have them cleaned up.

Some people are just like that but the children don't need to be subjected to all that, they have a chance.....

I agree with the other guys comments regarding child protection.

If the house is as you say I'd call the social services the first time I saw anything remotely like that, not fair to let kids suffer in a house full of dog **** an piss.

Not harsh enough!
Why is she asking for your Husband to come to her house? To babysit for her while her Husband is away? Sounds suspicious to me.:eek:
that does sound suspicious...why is your hubby going over, where is her hubby while this is going on?

Keebler
Feb 10, 2009, 07:25 PM
if you didn't care, you wouldn't have been harsh or to the point.

friends need to remind friends when they're doing something wrong or ill-advised.

i cringed, double-cringed, triple-cringed, then shook my head reading your post.

I would also tell her the next time, there are 2 types of ppl in this world,

doers and complainers. if she truly wants to change, she needs to stop being the latter and be a doer.

the catch down the line is that you probably have a thin line going forward b/c you feel you were harsh (but you weren't) and she perceives you to be harsh so her back will be up at the slightest comment.

Just tell her you care about her and if you didn't, you wouldn't say anything and just leave her to have a heart attack and leave her kids without a mom.

good luck,
keebler

eldy
Feb 10, 2009, 07:54 PM
Why are you even friends with them? Terminate the relationship.

rjgonzales
Feb 10, 2009, 07:56 PM
I don't understand why they are your friends.:confused:

SlasherDuff
Feb 10, 2009, 11:30 PM
I don't understand why they are your friends.:confused:

I tolerate her because she's more of my husband's friend than mine. I do care enough for her to a point to where I don't want her kicking the bucket, and leaving her kids behind. Even if she is a total slob, the kids do need a mother.

If the house is that filthy and unkept she may have depression.

I was beginning to suspect that as well. Maybe she needs more than a doctor, and a membership at the local gym.

Almost makes me wish I had a car, and a driver's license, so I could just go there, pick her up, and drag her to the gym. Possibly I could be a motivator for her to get off her butt more. The only drawback is they live forty five minutes away from us, which would have made it harder for us to respond if there were any real emergency.

Keebler, thank you for the kind words

Keniff
Feb 11, 2009, 04:07 AM
It looks like this to me:

She moans about her life, calls you and you send your husband over.

They get it on, and comes home!


A few day's later, she calls you again and so on...



:eek:;)

pagansoul
Feb 11, 2009, 11:32 AM
If she is suffering from even a mild case of depression she needs expert help. All you can do is point out to her what you see, that she isn't helping herself so why should you.

It can also be that she came from a family that lived the same way. People do learn habits from their parents.

I have a girlfriend who is very sloppy but really is also a single parent, husband left (worthless to the max), and she works full time with 3 daughters. The oldest is 22 and has a baby of her own now, the second is 20 and lives with her and the youngest who is 14. The house has never been clean, meaning everything put away, in all the years that I've known her (since the baby was born). She's had to fight to keep the house from the bank 2 times that I know of and sometime just wants to let them have it. One thing I really like about her is she picks herself up and keeps on trying even if she gets depressed from time to time.

It sounds like your friend isn't trying. Does she have family? Does her husband acknowledge that something is wrong?

mithrilfox
Feb 11, 2009, 10:15 PM
:eek::eek::eek:

Holy crap, you were way too easy on her.

Seriously, those two need someone to slap them around for a good 5 minutes. You both *absolutely* need to talk to them about their life. You can't do it for them, trust me... I tried to help a slob-roommate by doing his laundry and straightening up and giving him a "fresh start," but he just let it all go to heck all over again.

If you want to be a true friend, you have to talk to them. They have to get their life together. They will end up killing themselves and set their kids on a destiny with failure. Start out easy, but slowly start talking straight with them... "Look guys, we care about you, and that's why we want to tell you that although it might not be our business, your lifestyle right now is really dangerous for you and your children. This place is an absolute mess, your health is in serious jeopardy, and your kids need a much better environment."

Offer to come over and help them clean, but DO NOT do it yourself... only help them. If they flat-out reject you at first, let it drop, and give them time. They'll talk about it, at first complaining and moaning, but then slowly they'll be forced to admit you're right. Eventually, if they're smart at all, they'll be open to your help.

And, honestly, if things continue this way and they refuse to accept any help or change at all... consider calling child protective services, or heck, even adult protective services. It may actually be illegal for them to keep their house in that condition with children around. They'll hate you for it, but if they're determined to destroy themselves, should they be able to take their kids down with them?

It's your choice. Do what you feel is best.