Need insight on a boyfriend issue.

[ktbubster]

Sorry this is so long and babbling. I just need some help here.


So I met my current boyfriend on an online dating site about 3 months ago.

Things have been going well, i have a toothbrush and brush at his place along with a few other things he seems perfectly happy having there (he gave me the toothbrush and assured me it was ok for all that other stuff) he messages me a hello or goodmorning at work usually once a day, or 50/50 between us. And we usually talk once a day on the phone for about 10 min.. mostly he calls me when he's done with work since he works till like 7 or so regularly.

He met my parents last weekend, which went well, they loved him and he even assured me saturday that they didn't scare him off and he wasn't going anywhere. He even gave my mom his number when she asked to have it incase she couldnt' reach me for a few days and worried.

He mentioned that this outlet mall we were talking about would be a good way for me to meet his mom. etc. (his parents live 5 min away from him)

However that was saturday on the drive back.... saturday afternoon he talked about things we could do together later etc.

BUT he also said he could get his mom to make more foodand i could meet them sunday, but like 2 seconds later he renigged and wa slike "hm maybe next weekend" like he realized he made a mistake...

I got a little weird and then sunday night and last night he ignored my calls and this morning basically just said "sorry, busy tired headachey sometimes i just want to veg, hope you understand" but.. it's verymuch not like him to ignore my calls.

and it was only 1 each night and i didn't get upset or mad.. but it's just been weird.

He does own his own business witha partner though so he works a lot, i understand, and i never wanted to be one of those clingy girls. I just find it weird that he just started ignoring calls 2 days in the last 3...

He also didn't want me to tag photos of him on FB or whatnot.. because he "doesnt' like when people know things about him he doesn't tell them" so he made a note to take down the tags and such.. and a post on his wall I made about him liking me and some inside joke...

I mean.. it feels like he's hiding me now in that respect, but then again he has told his parents about me and his friends supposedly...( i haven't met any of them.. i have heard him use my name to one friend though on the phone) so maybe that's just a weird quirk of his... and he has no other photos up there either....

I know i'm probably overthinking things, but I am worried i might have freaked him out in the matter of the last few days...

So, I guess, would a guy change his mind that fast? from saturday when he was talking about things to do together and ways to meet his parents and even asking what i was thinking as far as schedule for the vacation we were tlaking about taking? to now where I just feel like he's completely gone distant and is hiding me.

He did make sure to ask me if i was ok with him sharing aroom (he has aconvention for a week in april) with his ex (an ex from like 5 years ago who is with someone else and practically engaged) because it saves him 1200 bucks to do it etc etc ... so he was thinking about me and how i'd react so that's a good sign i guess too...

He said he is always nice about it for breakups and told me about some of his exs before, and how he pulls away and all that, so certain things like that worry me, he would be nice about it the whole way through, he's not the type to be clear and just stop talking to me and be a jerk...

I just have this gut feeling that something is wrong

insight anyone?

And he still goes on match (wasn't on for like a month.. and then just 2 weeks ago started going on almost everyday again) says he isn't messaging anyone.. fine I guess, he paid for it, and guys like to make sure htey know they made the right choice etc.. but he could hide himself, or idunno, it just seems weird.

Insight from guys is useful here, am i just freaking out needlessly because he's having a distant and busy few days or could he have changed his mind that quickly?

He's 32 and i'm 24 if that matters. we live an hour apart.

[arkitect]

I just have this gut feeling that something is wrong

Sometimes gut instincts are correct.

And he still goes on match (wasn't on for like a month.. and then just 2 weeks ago started going on almost everyday again) says he isn't messaging anyone.. fine I guess, he paid for it, and guys like to make sure htey know they made the right choice etc.. but he could hide himself, or idunno, it just seems weird.

Well if he is still hanging out at a dating website…
:o
Yes, it does seem weird.

he's having a distant and busy few days

He runs his own business you say. Well things have been tough lately — I'm sure you've noticed… so he may well be over worked, tired and just not much fun.

I can well sympathise with his aversion to you spreading the word all over FaceBook… :eek: That might be an indication of the difference in years between you.
Some people are just *private*.
I'd be pretty pissed of if my partner started putting up my/our pics all over the 'net… and that isn't because I have something to hide.
;)

Good luck!

[CalBoy]

Seems to me he's ashamed of something and doesn't want you to find out.

Mind you that's just idle conjecture, but I think it would explain the family situation (as for the friends, they could be friends he's outgrown and doesn't want to keep so close anymore).

On a more abstract note, I think he is probably working very hard right now to keep himself afloat financial-wise, and that kind of stress can eat away at relationships.

I wouldn't sweat the Facebook thing; a lot of people (myself included) don't care for our personal lives being up for everyone to see. I think that is completely unrelated to whatever is happening right now.

[Abstract]

Well if he is still hanging out at a dating website…
:o
Yes, it does seem weird.


Yeah, that part jumped out immediately.

Perhaps he went on a few dates with another girl, or other girls, without wanting to tell you.

I mean, why introduce you to his parents if you're not going to be together in a few weeks?



The other possibility is that he likes you, but he's a sly dog. :p

[CalBoy]

And he still goes on match (wasn't on for like a month.. and then just 2 weeks ago started going on almost everyday again) says he isn't messaging anyone.. fine I guess, he paid for it, and guys like to make sure htey know they made the right choice etc.. but he could hide himself, or idunno, it just seems weird.

I missed this part at first.

Could it be that he's very conflicted about his own feelings? Suppose he does feel very good in your relationship, and that scares him? This could be the cusp of a longer-term commitment and he's afraid to dive in.

Just a thought.

[ezzie]

i'm sorry you're having a tough time with your boyfriend. hopefully you can get to the bottom of this.

he may just be taking some time to regroup or whatever, but three things from your post jump out at me...separately they're not really that bad, but together they make me wonder.


He did make sure to ask me if i was ok with him sharing aroom (he has aconvention for a week in april) with his ex (an ex from like 5 years ago who is with someone else and practically engaged) because it saves him 1200 bucks to do it etc etc ...
i may be over-thinking this, but i would never for an instant share a room for a week with an ex, no matter what. that's a recipe for temptation, IMHO.


I just have this gut feeling that something is wrong
i have learned to trust my intuition, and i'm usually right. hopefully yours is wrong, though. ;)

And he still goes on match (wasn't on for like a month.. and then just 2 weeks ago started going on almost everyday again) says he isn't messaging anyone.. fine I guess, he paid for it, and guys like to make sure htey know they made the right choice etc.. but he could hide himself, or idunno, it just seems weird.
it's certainly weird to me. i see no reason to hang out on Match.com if you're not messaging or looking for people.

i'd say that the Facebook thing is pretty normal. some people just don't want their face splashed all over the net, you know? :)

if i were you, i'd just ask him what his intentions are and what he's feeling. if you've got a good relationship, you should be able to discuss these things openly. perhaps you're thinking the relationship is more serious or exclusive than he is? i'd make sure you're both looking for the same thing.

i sincerely hope that, like arkitect and CalBoy said, he's just overworked and feeling a bit reclusive. good luck.

[ktbubster]

it's not so much the parents thing... he talked about me meeting them etc etc, and it's weird he'd even bring it up now (twice on saturday) but then double take after that.

He took a weekend trip with me to meet mine, and drove this weekend, i'm not sure whta that means.

I am more concerned if he could have completely done a 360 in the last 3 days between saturday and ... yesterday for instance.

I know words mean little, but he seems to have a lot of them... it's just a strange and sudden change in his behavior. Could something in the last 3 days have cahnged his mind or would he just say something about me meeting his mom , or parents randomly without really meaning it?

It's all very weird and unstraightforward, which is why i'm asking. 90% is him being open adn talking about future things we could do... then i get 3 days of less then normal communication and a weird feelign in my gut.

i'm sorry you're having a tough time with your boyfriend. hopefully you can get to the bottom of this.

he may just be taking some time to regroup or whatever, but three things from your post jump out at me...separately they're not really that bad, but together they make me wonder.


i may be over-thinking this, but i would never for an instant share a room for a week with an ex, no matter what. that's a recipe for temptation, IMHO.




Apparently they have done it for the last 3 years... and this ex and him never slept together.

Shoudl i appreciate the fact he told me and asked me about it?

[ezzie]

Apparently they have done it for the last 3 years... and this ex and him never slept together.

Shoudl i appreciate the fact he told me and asked me about it?
yes, you should definitely appreciate it.

and thanks for clarifying...it just seemed a little fishy to me, that's all. :)

[ktbubster]

it's things like that that make me think i'm insane... he clearly cares enough to mention something for a few weeks in advance that a girlfriend would worry about... and says he cares about me yadda yadda.

but then other things like the rebuking of the parent meeting within 2 seconds of bringing it up... make me wonder again.. and the ignoring the calls and not saying anything about it today....

AND the match thing. that just really makes me wonder. I told him what i feel about it, but i also understand he paid for however long, and you get winked at or whatever.. you check it out.... he said he wasn't messaging anyone... and he was getting blitzed lately with girls from other states, and i made a comment about stopping to meet one... he just said "well yeah ok, that's great, they just better like you"... but it still weirds me out that he's on there.

i guess i did send a message saying "i bet you are busy working so no worried, if you need to vent call" so i basically said "you don't have to get back to me" but he ignored my phonecall first an hour before that... which, never happens.

but usually when that happens and he is vegging.. up until now he's always messaged me to say goodnight or something to that note.

[jonbravo77]

As ezzie said. I would ask. Tell him what you are feeling about the sudden change and ask if everything is ok. I would express to him that you understand if work is stressful (I know from a guy prospective, I like it when my wife understands what I might be going through).

The match.com thing is a bit weird, not sure what to make of that and the sharing a room with the ex to me is not a huge deal seeing that he told you and wanted to make sure you were ok with it.

Like others have said, and I do the exact same thing, he might be stressed from work and pulled back to re-coupe. Not saying that is the right thing to do especially when in a relationship (as I am learning) but that's what may be going on..

Again, I would talk to him...

[ktbubster]

Thanks for the advice. I might just be reading way too much into this sorta stuff, which I usually don't. I just have had very little to even sorta complain about over the last few months. Things are good and I am scared a little.

When we are together they are always good, except for weirdness a bit (probably more on my part, he seemed happy) on Sunday

He did a lot of things I would assume someone who was questioning a relationship, would NOT do this last weekend with my parents and all that... and he DID bring up things we could do together and said something to the effect on saturday night before falling asleep, how aesome I am because of this or that (random little stupid things)

all very nice signs, but I have a bad bad bad gut feeling that i came on too strong these last few days and made him question things. Maybe I am just seriously going nuts....

BAH but the other things just are bugging me.

[Macky-Mac]

Sometimes "meeting the parents" means a relationship has reached a new and more serious level. He may be feeling that things are moving faster than he's ready for them to move....so maybe he just needs a bit of time to adjust to the idea

[Abstract]

Everything else you said seems OK to me. I wouldn't worry about it.


I just worry about that Match.com thing, because if he's still looking, that may be why he changed his mind about the whole "parent" thing. And he's avoided your calls for the past 2 days.

[wickedG35]

There should be no reason for him to log in to the dating site again if he is happy with the relationship. Also, sharing a room with an ex is a horrible idea. Why would someone want to put themselves in a position like that if they are perfectly happy with their current relationship. No hard feelings, but it seems like he is losing interest in you.

I would suggest you have a talk with him and express yourself (thoughts & feelings) and find out where his feelings really are. It's better to straighten things out now (and let him go if need be) then to be heartbroken later on. When your deeper into a relationship, it hurts that much more.

[ktbubster]

you bring up a good point. I realized that, but I guess i never thought about it like that, simply because he agreed to meet them a few weeks ago... and I said if he wasn't ready or didn't want to, I'd understand (and i definitely meant that)

He had a few ways to get out of it too....

but i guess i never really thought about whether or not he agreed to it and did it with a smile.. that didn't necessarily mean that he was 100% with the idea during and after the fact...

Maybe he just did a double take and realized what it meant?

In that case, could it turn around something so quickly or should i just assume he may need some time to relax again and get back into things, but doesn't necessarily want to break up/end it etc?

[ktbubster]

There should be no reason for him to log in to the dating site again if he is happy with the relationship. Also, sharing a room with an ex is a horrible idea. Why would someone want to put themselves in a position like that if they are perfectly happy with their current relationship. No hard feelings, but it seems like he is losing interest in you.

well the ex thing was explained... maybe i'm being too lenient or trying not to read into it... butlike i said they have been doing thta the last 3 years, she's practically engaged, and they never slept together when they were together....

the match thing.. yes, it bugs me, I really should ask him about it again and I will, let him know it does bother me and try to figure out what is going on with him in a good talk.

We shall see.

P.S. I did have contact with him yesterday and the day before, he missed my calls but he did IM me in the morning yesterday and the day before responded to my text with an IM.... but ignoring my calls was just weird.

I am not sure if he's just humoring me until he sees me in person (i have his ipod and a coffee mug) and can get things back.. i dunno, even sunday though he said he didn't care if i left whatever at his place...

SO VERY conflicting.


I just worry about that Match.com thing, because if he's still looking, that may be why he changed his mind about the whole "parent" thing. And he's avoided your calls for the past 2 days.

strangely enough he hadn't been on since friday, and then wasn't on through monday... not until yesterday again... so that's weird, less he had started talking to someone last week i suppose.

GAH. i just need to talk to him, but can't for a bit. not in person anyway.

[maestro55]

So several thoughts here. The first being the match.com thing. I dated the same girl for a year, we had met on match.com. During that time I occasionally looked at matches. I didn't message anyone but I had paid for a year so yes I did log into the site. Would I have considered leaving Vanessa to go on a random date? No. Would I have left Vanessa for someone simply because I liked what I saw on their profile? No. I looked out of curiosity with no intent to try to find a replacement for Vanessa. It didn't work between us in the end but I wouldn't think too much about the Match.com thing. Unless he is logging in an browsing it without spending time with you. I mean if he is laying in bed on his notebook surfing match.com and you are right next to him, that is perhaps cause to be concerned.

As for him not wanting you to meet his parents. I am sure there is probably more to the story than he wants to share with. And after 3 months of dating you there might be some stuff that he doesn't want to share with you. I mean perhaps he has a history with his mother that he doesn't want to share with you just yet.

As for him staying at a hotel with an ex. It sounds like they are co-workers, and probably have become just friends now. I wouldn't be too concerned about that. Despite popular belief a guy can share a room with a woman and not sleep with her.

As for the facebook thing, I imagine part of that could be that he is just a private person. Personally I would be flattered to have my girlfriend be comfortable enough in a relationship to plaster our story all over facebook, but some people aren't like that and you will just have to learn to respect his thoughts on that subject.

And in the end, you might just very well be over thinking things. I know that I am the type of person that has a tendency to get a bit paranoid sometimes in relationships. Not that that matters, because I hate to bring bad news but last time I had a gut instinct I was right. However, the worst thing you can do is not be 100% up front with him. Tell him how you feel and ask him how he feels. 3 months is early enough to still think about these things. Vanessa and I broke up the first time after 3 months of dating and then got back together and dated another 8 months after that. My advice talk to him. If you do break up, don't get back together with the guy.

[ktbubster]

thanks for that wisdom... I read it a few times. I appreciate it.

ahmed and maestro

The match.com thing could be just what you said, and he did say he wasn't messaging anyone in case i was worried... and no, he really only goes on if he's at work or during the day already on the computer. He doesn't spend much time at the computer outside of work.

I just found it weird he suggested meeting his parents twice over this weekend and took back one of them to a different time...

I just do have a gut feeling, but it might just be me worried after the long weekend and all that.

facebook.... i dunno, people are private. he said he just doesn't like people knowing things about him unless he tells them. he's told a friend or two about me, but doesn't want everyone else to know things unless he wants to tell them... but it seems a bit much to go to the effort of detagging everything... but he doesn't have any other photos with other people either, so who knows.

and apparently finally told his parents about me (he could have told them he was just visiting a friend that he does sometimes in that area... but he told them he was visiting my parents - his mom watched his dogs) they had known about who i was, but not the seriousness, because apparently his mom is on him about getting married and having kids all the time. lol.. so i understand that. i do.... i just find it weird he mentioned it.

i just have a weird feeling and i tend to be right... I just need some input from other people.. I'm hoping its closer to what you said though about match and all that...

I have since taken down all but like 3 photos of us and OF COURSE left him untagged in them. I reset my profile to make sure only my close friends can see it. I only kept photos of us and his dogs up because my girlfriends were curious... but his name is left off, and i made sure only select friends can see my photo albums.

I had since told him this so he knows I am trying to respect his privacy for that.

[Iscariot]

I just worry about that Match.com thing, because if he's still looking, that may be why he changed his mind about the whole "parent" thing. And he's avoided your calls for the past 2 days.

I wouldn't even worry about that. Don't most dating sites offer more than just dating, and wouldn't they have procedures similar to Facebook where you'd have to log in to their site to view messages? I would think that they do, as their pageviews drive their revenues.

[ktbubster]

well right... we met on it, he's still a member. I mean, i get that he paid for however long (6 months... or a year or whatever) i just had a shorter subscription cause i was just trying it out when we met.

He still logs in.. I knew he hadn't for about a month and then about 2 weeks ago started to again. He had made a comment about me being on more recently then him, but i was hiding my profile and deleting things from my site.

I dunno. I get he paid, I get that looking at who messaged you and all that is fun... and he might not be looking for a replacement, just looking just cause, just not something i'd do is all and it's strange. The first time he went back on though he "winked" at me actually, so he wasn't trying to hide the fact he was on....

Hmmmm.

[Iscariot]

so he wasn't trying to hide the fact he was on

Then he probably has nothing to hide.

And I'm going to take a wild guess and suggest that if he wanted to hide his activity from you, he'd be able to do, yes? There must be some sort of privacy settings he could be using, or certainly he would use a different website.

[Macky-Mac]

it sounds to me like you've gotten way further into the relationship than he has.....and maybe he's just realized that.

[maestro55]

it sounds to me like you've gotten way further into the relationship than he has.....and maybe he's just realized that.

Good point... Similar happened when Vanessa and I were dating. Three months into us dating on a regular basis she still didn't want to be called my "girlfriend" and told people were "just dating" and while that was frustrating to me and that is one of the reasons I broke up with her the first time. I suppose that in reality would have been better to take these slower and just enjoy the relationship instead of all the heartache that comes if two people try to force a relationship that one person isn't happy in. Not saying to the OP that her boyfriend isn't happy, but perhaps he realizes that he wants to have a bit more freedom.

I suppose that people have a hard time with this concept, I know that I do. Because there is one side of me that likes the idea of meeting someone that I would be happy enough with that I would find the need to seek out other people. However, with that said, can one really know if they have met the right person and people stop loving each other all the time. Is weighing options a slap in the face to the person you are with or just human nature?

Again, be honest with your thoughts. If he cares about you enough than if you tell him you really don't want him on the site than I am sure he would be willing to except that and stop using the site. I would have done the same for Vanessa.

[ktbubster]

Yeah. That would make sense.. back to the parents thing I guess.

I never really though about what it would mean after he actually DID meet my parents and it became a reality. As opposed to him just agreeing to it and going through with it.

Might have made the whole thing seem more real. He acted sweet on Saturday still talking about stuff for us to do together and all that.

I'll just have to talk to him and take a step back and a breather and see what happens I suppose.

I always thought guys were pretty straightforward though, but with him i get confused 10% of the time....


I have to say that when we ARE together hanging out, I don't have doubts. He is open to me leaving things, he's happy when I can sleep in with him and not have to go immediately. My car had to get something fixed at a shop near his place so he was happy to have me come over even though he had a few hours left to work... and cooked me dinner, he's sweet and talks about things to do in the future etc etc... but it's just weird when a turn around in behavior like this happens immediately following him meeting my parents. It's just a bit odd.

He called me his girlfriend to someone else first actually... and called it a relationship first, I had no desire to push anything so I let him say things like that intially... but a change in behavior and then the other little things just add up to one big chunk of worry. ESPECIALLY since I heard stories about his breakups and how he cares and is nice and yadda yadda, he's a naturally caring person when it comes to trying to make people feel comfortable... so it's sorta "well, is he being sincere right now despite the last few random acts that aren' tlike him or what?"

Gut feelings can be really annoying sometimes.

[maestro55]

I always thought guys were pretty straightforward though, but with him i get confused 10% of the time....

The problem is that couples skirt around the realities because they do not want to be alone and so they don't often talk about the things that are really bothering them. Perhaps if people really did talk about what was bothering them, there would either be tons of single people in this world or there would be tons of people in great honest relationships.

[ktbubster]

this is true. If there is one thing we can do well, for sure, is talk to eachother (we haven't even gone to a movie together yet because we couldn't talk to eachother during it) we opt to stay in and watch movies or just go to dinner or walks.. etc.

So... i guess we can talk about this.

[mgguy]

It seems to me that you are tripping out about this guy way too much for only a 3 month relationship. Maybe he feels like you are becomming too dependent on him for your happiness and is getting scared off. I also wonder whether you can trust that he isn't doing the wild thing with his ex just because he told you so. If he were still attracted to her, it would not serve any purpose to admit it to you so why would he?

[maestro55]

It seems to me that you are tripping out about this guy way too much for only a 3 month relationship. Maybe he feels like you are becomming too dependent on him for your happiness and is getting scared off. I also wonder whether you can trust that he isn't doing the wild thing with his ex just because he told you so. If he were still attracted to her, it would not serve any purpose to admit it to you so why would he?

Yes, but if he was planning to sleep with her, I doubt he would have told her that he was planning on sharing a room with her. Again, why is it so hard to believe that two friends (and yes ex's can be friends) can sleep in a hotel room and not sleep together?

Good luck with talking to him about it. It seems like you have built a pretty good relationship so I wish you the best of luck. Now on to check my matches on Match.com

[mgguy]

Yes, but if he was planning to sleep with her, I doubt he would have told her that he was planning on sharing a room with her. Again, why is it so hard to believe that two friends (and yes ex's can be friends) can sleep in a hotel room and not sleep together?

Good luck with talking to him about it. It seems like you have built a pretty good relationship so I wish you the best of luck. Now on to check my matches on Match.com

He might have told her he was sharing a room if he thought she would call him there and find out anyway--just to head her off at the pass, so to speak. Guys like to cover themselves like that. They could be just friends, but they might not be. The point is that just because he says it is just a friendship doesn't make it so. It's also odd that if he really liked ktbubster and didn't want to threaten the relationship or make her emotionally upset, he could have gotten his own room. At this point, a frank talk may be in order, but if he is already feeling closed in, he may pull away even farther.

My advice to OP is to toughen up, get on with other things, don't fawn over him, and wait and see where things go from here. The best thing, basically, is just to relax and find something to do that you enjoy. I know, easy for me to say ...

[Malfoy]

Just so you know its not an age thing with respect to the FB, I'm 26 and the same way about privacy, I've been like this forever. My ex and I had issues about that a lot she'd tell her friends things about me and often if you didn't understand the context or know me before hearing it, it wouldn't paint me in the best light. Same with friends. There is very little I hate worse than my reputation proceeding me.


Moving on...

I agree with maestro, if he's planning to make a move on the ex, he probably wouldn't tell you unless he's just that confident in his ability to get out of tight situations. (no pun intended but couldn't be avoided :o )

[MegaMillions]

Tell him everything you told us, and ask him what's going on. If there is something wrong and the relationship ends, better sooner than later. If there is nothing wrong, you'll either scare him away (in which case he didn't care that much about you anyway), or he'll just clarify what happened and it'll all be okay.

No harm can possibly come from being honest with him about how you're feeling, and asking him what's going on. If he refuses to tell you, I would break up with him, because a relationship like that just can't work.

[ktbubster]

Ok, so I saw him last night.

Things seemed fine. I brought food and he kissed me as soon as he finished up his last work call. He seemed happy and giddy and we watched a terrifically stupid action movie (transporter 3, seriously, so bad) and he goofed around and asked me for kisses and poked fun at me etc as per usual (i give it back too)

He mentioned changing plans to see a guy friend of his (they play D&D every few weeks or so) on Saturday and then confirmed if Sunday would be good for me etc.. pretty much as soon as I got in. So that was appreciated.

We didn't really have a chance to talk, since he really just seemed exhausted for the most part, and all in all it seemed like a bad time... but he did make passing comments to things i'd say about picking out a movie or whatever "oh... you will, you'll be back ;) " etc etc... and just normal things about getting more of the good coffee for next time.

He did seem overall pretty physically exhausted though. But there was normal affection and cuddling and this morning seemed just fine too, and he commented again about seeing me on Sunday and was affectionate as per usual.

So apparently his parents have been on him about planning a trip to take care of his grandmas ashes (FYI, this was a death that was a long time coming - and he didn't care for her, neither did his parents etc etc... so that wasn't making him depressed directly or anything ... if anything it was a load off his shoulders) and fly out to his uncles ranch etc etc... and he has no desire to take as much time off as they want him too... so it's been a bit of a pain in the neck...

He's also been busy at work, and it seems like he hadn't been getting much sleep for the last 2 or 3 nights and has just been all around stressed.

So... while yesterday was slightly off, as he seemed tired, he seemed happy to see me and spend time and did quite a few things that one wouldn't do if they were getting to the point of ending it.

I am still going to talk to him if he continues to act this way obviously, but I figure i'll give it a while, and Sunday I might get a better idea of what is going on and if it is just stress/work etc or something else and then we can talk.. during the day instead of after a long day of work.

I still have my concerns, ... and will probably be a bit nervous for a bit, but there isn't really anything I can do about it except for relax and let things happen.

[MacVixen]

Sounds like everything is back on track for you - that's good. It sounds like he was just really reall tired.

So my only comment on this whole thing. I'm wondering if he is possibly a bit embarrased to tell his friends how you and he met? I've done the online dating thing (it's how I met my husband), and one of the guys I went out with for a month or two was absolutely insistent that I not tell anybody how we met. So maybe that is what is going on with the friends thing.

Good luck! Sounds as though things are going nicely. Oh, as far as the age difference - I am 7 1/2 years older than my husband - it's never been an issue :)

[ktbubster]

haha, yeah... we'll see. I'm still feeling a little bit off on the whole thing, but like I said i'm going to give it a few more days to see if things clear up the rest of the way.

As far as how we met. He's not. He's done this before and had a relationship with one girl and dated a few, but either way, his friend in town that i've heard about quite a bit met his gf off match too. And so they know he uses it... not a big deal.

I'm just going to sit back and relax and see what happens in the next few days or week, and be happy he's mentioning things as if they are just continuing as they go... and he didn't even think to give me back a thing or two I left there that I had said I wanted to get back at some point...(lol, actually, one of the things i wish i had remembered!) so one would assume he'd be trying to clear out if there were a bigger issue.

[timerollson]

Short version:
http://portraithouse.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/hes-just-not-that-into-you.jpg

[Leareth]

He's 32 and i'm 24 if that matters.

yeah it matters a lot.

sets of creepy alarm when that great an age gap between two relatively young people.

Generally that = he is looking for fun, not a serious romance.

[ktbubster]

yeah I thought about that. Not sure.

To tell you the truth I am just going to continue going with the flow. I'm confused as heck, but that happens. We'll talk when I see him next probably... although we talked a bit on the phone today and I asked him point blank if the last weekend really freaked him out etc (in better terms then that) and about some of this stuff, and he seemed chipper and fine saying "no, you worry too much, just busy with work... etc etc... and besides, i'm not dating your parents, i'd really only have to see them every so often during the year, so it's not a big deal, they are fine etc etc"

I questioned him about the match stuff too and asked if he really was messaging anyone else and that I really just would like if he told me about it etc etc, and he said no he wasn't and if it bothered me he'd go on less, he just likes surfing and since his friends are on match he'll look at the girls they are dating or going to go on a date with and such.... and like me (i did this too) seeing who messages and winks at him and laughing at some of the profiles (i got so many complete opposites who clearly didn't read my profile winking at me) ... but he'd stay off more if it bothered me.

He also 80% confirmed a vacation we were going to take today.. I say 80% because he was saying how he couldn't take time off for a week long trip becuase he'd be out however much money (some crazy number) if he took off that long for the family thing i mentioned - and it wasn't important to him, but that he would tell them he already committed to our trip too so that he coudln't take both (ours would only mean 2 days off work, short weekend thing)

So... all things considered he doesn't seem to be balking, unless he's just trying to keep me calm until he sees me in person here (he's visiting me this weekend) ... which would be a mighty large stretch of my imagination i think.

The age thing, yeah, maybe he's stll looking for fun and being the 30 something bachelor. That is quite possible, but my parents are 10 years apart too, as are his (my mom 10 years older then my dad, his dad 10 years older then his mom) so .... really, i can't really put too much basis on that straight off the bat.

Sigh, boys are silly. (but girls are far worse usually, I admit this... which is the reason this thread was started anyway!)

[michael.lauden]

3 months isn't that long. he's probably doin' other babez

[ktbubster]

wow. thanks for that detailed insight!:p

[michael.lauden]

wow. thanks for that detailed insight!:p

oh yeah ;)

listen. the only difference between boys and girls is that girls care. instead of posting a forum he can probably access why don't you talk to him about it. MANUP

[emt1]

Talk to him. That simple.

[yojitani]

yeah it matters a lot.

sets of creepy alarm when that great an age gap between two relatively young people.

Generally that = he is looking for fun, not a serious romance.

:confused: Not at that age. They're old enough that the age gap has narrowed. Got to say that he's lucky though. Most 24 year olds I know think of me as old and I'm only a few years older than him :(.

I think the advice to talk about it directly, without insinuation or caginess, is the best.

Also, accept his moods. One thing that irritates me in relationships is someone constantly asking about my mood. My attitude is that if I don't like someone or don't want to be with them, I would say so. I'm just not all roses all the time... but that's me and I'm a bit nuts.

[maestro55]

3 months isn't that long. he's probably doin' other babez

Maybe, maybe not. One never knows but there is no time too early for two people to decide to be monogamous is that is what they want.

[Anonymouslives]

I'm a 31 year old guy, and I haven't read through the replies, so I risk redundancy, but that has never stopped me before.

If you feel like something is wrong, there likely is. Also, that thing about still going on Match.com or whatever is quite a bit concerning in my opinion. I think it's a good idea for you just to break it off now, before it gets a lot harder to later. Many times, guys will not be straight with you, because they want to keep you available as an option and they will drag you along for as long as possible. If a guy is really into you, it is hard to miss it. There will be signs all over the place. You won't have to look for them and analyze to try and come up with something. Sorry to break it to you, but get out of it, and tell him to get lost immediately. You'll find someone who is into you and you won't have to look into it so hard to find out the intentions. Good luck to you.

[mscriv]

To tell you the truth I am just going to continue going with the flow. I'm confused as heck, but that happens. We'll talk when I see him next probably... although we talked a bit on the phone today and I asked him point blank if the last weekend really freaked him out etc (in better terms then that) and about some of this stuff, and he seemed chipper and fine saying "no, you worry too much, just busy with work... etc etc... and besides, i'm not dating your parents, i'd really only have to see them every so often during the year, so it's not a big deal, they are fine etc etc"

I questioned him about the match stuff too and asked if he really was messaging anyone else and that I really just would like if he told me about it etc etc, and he said no he wasn't and if it bothered me he'd go on less, he just likes surfing and since his friends are on match he'll look at the girls they are dating or going to go on a date with and such.... and like me (i did this too) seeing who messages and winks at him and laughing at some of the profiles (i got so many complete opposites who clearly didn't read my profile winking at me) ... but he'd stay off more if it bothered me.

He also 80% confirmed a vacation we were going to take today.. I say 80% because he was saying how he couldn't take time off for a week long trip becuase he'd be out however much money (some crazy number) if he took off that long for the family thing i mentioned - and it wasn't important to him, but that he would tell them he already committed to our trip too so that he coudln't take both (ours would only mean 2 days off work, short weekend thing)

So... all things considered he doesn't seem to be balking, unless he's just trying to keep me calm until he sees me in person here (he's visiting me this weekend) ... which would be a mighty large stretch of my imagination i think.

Okay, full disclosure, I'm a professional counselor and I've read the entire story. My first words of advice are CHILL OUT!!!!!!!!!

With what you put in this last post it seem like you are way over-thinking things. At the beginning you say your going to just "go with flow," but by the end you are thinking he may just be setting you up to drop the bomb in person. RELAX. You guys seem to be doing really well for just being three months in. You definitely don't want to come across like the paranoid girlfriend that must know the status of the relationship at all times in order to feel secure and if he makes a weird face or sounds a little tired then that must mean the sky is falling.

Now, don't take this the wrong way, but you are not the only thing in his life, especially as new as the relationship is. As other people have mentioned he could be stressed about work, dealing with family stuff, or maybe his level 14 Wizard got killed in his last D&D session! :eek:

Seriously, at this point you are being your own worst enemy. Take a deep breath, focus on the things you enjoy about him and if you think something is bothering him then try to offer support in any way you can. Believe me when guys are frustrated about something they want a girlfriend who helps relieve the stress, not one that adds to it.

So, if you were my client I'd give you this homework. Stop worrying about everything that could be wrong and find ways to show him how happy he makes you and how much you appreciate him. After all, solid relationships are made by people who are focused on what they can do for their partner, not what their partner does for them. I wish you guys the very best! :)

Oh, and if it doesn't work out then you can tell everyone he was 30+ year old loser who still played D&D in his basement with all of his nerd friends. :p

[iSurgeon]

My first thought was of "Lost In Space" ... the 60s TV show, not the 90s movie ... the Robot swinging his arms wildly, shouting "Danger! Danger, Will Robinson!". You need to back away. Don't let this thing blow up in your face.

A male perspective: You're getting too needy. The chase is over and you're just not challenging anymore. Make him chase you.

You'd let a boyfriend share a room with an ex-girlfriend? I'd like a girlfriend like that! Guys and their exes can be friends ... friends with benefits. Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids (and guys & their exes).

The age difference, by itself, is insignificant. Creepy? Please, Leareth. 32 and 12 is creepy. 32 and 24? That's perfectly normal and natural. Is there an experience difference or maturity difference?

Remember: girls are deep, guys are shallow. Don't overthink things. We guys are simple and you're making us out to be complex. We're not complex. The shallowest girls are still deeper than 99% of guys. If you're looking for a relationship with someone that is deep and complex, you're a lesbian and you need to stop looking at guys. We don't "do" complex/deep. There is nothing superior about deep/complex when compared with shallow/simple. We're just different. It's part of our charm. It's what makes us so damn irresistible to women. The world desperately needs both types.