madamimadam
Oct 6, 2002, 06:33 PM
UNITED NATIONS—In an address before the U.N. General Assembly Monday,
President Bush called upon the international community to support his
"U.S. Does Whatever It Wants" plan, which would permit the U.S. to take
any action it wishes anywhere in the world at any time.
"As a shining beacon of freedom and democracy, America has inspired the
world," said Bush in his 25-minute address. "With its military might,
it has kept the peace and bravely defended the unalienable [sic] rights
of millions around the globe. In this spirit, I call upon the world's
nations to support my proposal to give America unrestricted carte
blanche to remove whatever leaders, plunder whatever resources, and
impose whatever policies it deems necessary or expedient."
According to top Bush Administration officials, if the measure is
passed by the U.N.—and possibly if it is not—the U.S. would immediately
launch invasions of Iraq, North Korea, and Cuba; establish oil-drilling
operations in Siberia; install nuclear-missile silos in Mongolia along
the Chinese border; make English the official language of the planet;
detain thousands of Middle Eastern nationals currently in the U.S. on
temporary visas; begin each day with a moment of worldwide prayer; and
prohibit Japan and Germany from manufacturing automobiles.
In addition, no demonstration against U.S. actions by any foreign
nation or individual would be permitted. Any such protestation would be
deemed a high crime subject to a U.N. tribunal, with those found guilty
flown to Texas for execution by lethal injection.
"After the unspeakable events of last Sept. 11, the U.S. was deeply
touched by the outpouring of support and condolences from our neighbors
and allies the world over," Bush said. "This kindness played a vital
role in our national healing process, but, more importantly, it
cemented our long-standing self-image as the country, with all other
nations lumped together into a vague, foreign Other Place. I call upon
you now to join us in our vision of America as the only country whose
wishes matter."
Bush then turned to the pressing issue of Iraq.
"Despite repeated American efforts to change the situation, Saddam
Hussein defiantly continues his longtime policy of being the president
of Iraq," Bush said. "The time has come for this man to step down,
because we want him to."
In addition to enabling the U.S. to address foreign crises, Bush said
his plan will help solve many of the nation's domestic problems.
"While there exist many grave threats to America abroad, we suffer
still more problems—from unemployment to a lack of quality, affordable
housing—right here at home," Bush said. "After this resolution is
passed, we will begin a 10-year project to clean out our nation's
landfills and toxic-waste sites, transport the materials to Central
American jungles, and build low-cost housing on the newly cleared land.
This would solve the housing shortage, create thousands of construction
jobs, and improve our nation's environment, all in one fell swoop."
As much of a boon as it would be to America, Bush stressed that his
plan will also benefit the rest of the world, giving foreigners greater
access than ever to American goods and entertainment.
"From the Beijing businessman who treats his family to dinner at KFC to
the New Delhi textile worker who unwinds after a hard day's work by
watching Friends, the world community has embraced our many wonderful
cultural and commercial exports," Bush said. "As part of my plan, the
U.S. will be allowed to export its products tariff-free, while other
countries' goods will be subject to heavy taxes. This will help ensure
that people the world over will continue to enjoy our computers, DVDs,
and soft drinks, free of the clutter of competing non-American goods on
their store shelves."
Bush concluded his speech by calling upon the U.N. to fly an
extra-large U.S. flag outside its headquarters, high above the other
member nations' flags.
"From the Monroe Doctrine to our ignoring of the Kyoto Treaty, America
has always boldly defied the powers that be. Ever since its founding,
this great nation has courageously asserted its will, bravely tuning
out the objections of the other nations of the world," Bush said at the
speech's conclusion. "I urge you today, do not let that legacy die.
Allow us to continue our long-standing tradition of getting our way."
Global reaction to Bush's plan has been mixed, with 56 percent of
Americans in support and 100 percent of non-Americans strongly opposed.
Thanks to The Onion for that article
President Bush called upon the international community to support his
"U.S. Does Whatever It Wants" plan, which would permit the U.S. to take
any action it wishes anywhere in the world at any time.
"As a shining beacon of freedom and democracy, America has inspired the
world," said Bush in his 25-minute address. "With its military might,
it has kept the peace and bravely defended the unalienable [sic] rights
of millions around the globe. In this spirit, I call upon the world's
nations to support my proposal to give America unrestricted carte
blanche to remove whatever leaders, plunder whatever resources, and
impose whatever policies it deems necessary or expedient."
According to top Bush Administration officials, if the measure is
passed by the U.N.—and possibly if it is not—the U.S. would immediately
launch invasions of Iraq, North Korea, and Cuba; establish oil-drilling
operations in Siberia; install nuclear-missile silos in Mongolia along
the Chinese border; make English the official language of the planet;
detain thousands of Middle Eastern nationals currently in the U.S. on
temporary visas; begin each day with a moment of worldwide prayer; and
prohibit Japan and Germany from manufacturing automobiles.
In addition, no demonstration against U.S. actions by any foreign
nation or individual would be permitted. Any such protestation would be
deemed a high crime subject to a U.N. tribunal, with those found guilty
flown to Texas for execution by lethal injection.
"After the unspeakable events of last Sept. 11, the U.S. was deeply
touched by the outpouring of support and condolences from our neighbors
and allies the world over," Bush said. "This kindness played a vital
role in our national healing process, but, more importantly, it
cemented our long-standing self-image as the country, with all other
nations lumped together into a vague, foreign Other Place. I call upon
you now to join us in our vision of America as the only country whose
wishes matter."
Bush then turned to the pressing issue of Iraq.
"Despite repeated American efforts to change the situation, Saddam
Hussein defiantly continues his longtime policy of being the president
of Iraq," Bush said. "The time has come for this man to step down,
because we want him to."
In addition to enabling the U.S. to address foreign crises, Bush said
his plan will help solve many of the nation's domestic problems.
"While there exist many grave threats to America abroad, we suffer
still more problems—from unemployment to a lack of quality, affordable
housing—right here at home," Bush said. "After this resolution is
passed, we will begin a 10-year project to clean out our nation's
landfills and toxic-waste sites, transport the materials to Central
American jungles, and build low-cost housing on the newly cleared land.
This would solve the housing shortage, create thousands of construction
jobs, and improve our nation's environment, all in one fell swoop."
As much of a boon as it would be to America, Bush stressed that his
plan will also benefit the rest of the world, giving foreigners greater
access than ever to American goods and entertainment.
"From the Beijing businessman who treats his family to dinner at KFC to
the New Delhi textile worker who unwinds after a hard day's work by
watching Friends, the world community has embraced our many wonderful
cultural and commercial exports," Bush said. "As part of my plan, the
U.S. will be allowed to export its products tariff-free, while other
countries' goods will be subject to heavy taxes. This will help ensure
that people the world over will continue to enjoy our computers, DVDs,
and soft drinks, free of the clutter of competing non-American goods on
their store shelves."
Bush concluded his speech by calling upon the U.N. to fly an
extra-large U.S. flag outside its headquarters, high above the other
member nations' flags.
"From the Monroe Doctrine to our ignoring of the Kyoto Treaty, America
has always boldly defied the powers that be. Ever since its founding,
this great nation has courageously asserted its will, bravely tuning
out the objections of the other nations of the world," Bush said at the
speech's conclusion. "I urge you today, do not let that legacy die.
Allow us to continue our long-standing tradition of getting our way."
Global reaction to Bush's plan has been mixed, with 56 percent of
Americans in support and 100 percent of non-Americans strongly opposed.
Thanks to The Onion for that article
