Should I be angry?

[XNine]

So, long story short, live-in girlfriend loses job a couple months ago. Knew it would happen at some point, didn't save a lot of money. I've loaned her a few hundred dollars so far.

Now today she emails me at work(she has a new job and will get paid on Oct. 7th). She says she will need more money to pay off her bills. Which makes the total that I will pay at the beginning of next month 1500 bucks. (instead of 850 for the whole month).

Seriously. Should I be angry? Cos I am. I am furious. So much so I want to tell her to get out. Should I do this?

I should have learned my lesson years ago wth my first live-in. ****!!!!

I worked my ass off for this money. 70 hours a week for the past 5 months.
And now it's all going to be gone. (I've bought some things with most of it, but wanted to save a few hundred for emergencies)....

[Blue Velvet]

What if the tables were turned? Would she do it for you?

Besides, she's got a new job. She's going to get paid and will repay you.

[jsw]

What if the tables were turned? Would she do it for you?Excellent response.

[lopresmb]

if you can't even get finances in order, makes me wonder about the whole live-in situation to begin with. Either its a business (she owes you money) relationship or not. And IMO a business relationship with a live in girlfriend doesn't sound like a very good idea for a lot of reasons.

[XNine]

What if the tables were turned? Would she do it for you?

Besides, she's got a new job. She's going to get paid and will repay you.

Yes, yes she would, but she'd give me attitude and hell about it even after I repaid the debt. And I haven't been mean, not once about it. Not a single time.


This repayment of hers will take months. And I mean months. Somewhere around 6 months. I'm usually not the type that gets pissed about money, I usually care less. It's just this relentless crap is putting me over the edge.

Screw it. Blue, will you marry me? :)

[Blue Velvet]

Screw it. Blue, will you marry me? :)

But I'm already spoken for. I'm running off to Vegas with iGary. :)

Seriously though, ease up on her and give her a chance to make things right. Don't lose your temper — that's not going to solve anything.

Put yourself in her shoes for a minute — asking to borrow money is never an easy thing to do. Just discuss your point of view calmly so she understands the difficulties that it is causing you.

And remember, people rarely forget a favour. What goes around comes around.

[jsw]

Screw it. Blue, will you marry me? :)
Before you answer that, BV, know that I wouldn't bitch about loaning you a thousand bucks (or pounds).... ;)

Edit: damn it. I forgot about that bastard iGary. Yeah, sure, "gay". Right.

[jsw]

And remember, people rarely forget a favour.
Good people don't forget. Others don't care. Which one is she?

[AppleMatt]

Well no offense but if that's all it takes to become mad...is she really worth staying with? I'd give everything I own to 'the one'.

She emailed asking for money which means either she's scared about asking you in person (so you've got to ask yourself why) or that she hasn't given it a second thought - she just assumes you're fine with it (she sees it as materialistic and not important in your relationship).

If you're going to get the money back then I don't see the problem. It's the best way to save without spending it.

I wouldn't be angry, personally.

AppleMatt

[iBlue]

pardon me for being blunt but from the bits and pieces that you have said, she sounds immature, irresponsible, selfish, hypocritical and intolerant. a bad combo.

did that piss you off (what i just said) or do you feel the need to defend her? if you tend to agree then maybe reconsider your situation with her. that first instinct is usually the right one.
i dunno, just a hunch - something just doesn't sound quite "right" here.

that said, if you are certain that she wouldn't welch on the deal then give it a go. but consider what sort of long term life you are going to have with a person who simply can't take care of her own. something tells me this is not the first time. if things just won't go anywhere with her, then it's just not worth your time or your money.
my $.02 <- no pun intended.

and of course you have the right to be angry, it's more a question of what to do with that i suppose.

[yenko]

So, long story short, live-in girlfriend loses job a couple months ago. Knew it would happen at some point, didn't save a lot of money. I've loaned her a few hundred dollars so far.

Now today she emails me at work(she has a new job and will get paid on Oct. 7th). She says she will need more money to pay off her bills. Which makes the total that I will pay at the beginning of next month 1500 bucks. (instead of 850 for the whole month).

Seriously. Should I be angry? Cos I am. I am furious. So much so I want to tell her to get out. Should I do this?

I should have learned my lesson years ago wth my first live-in. ****!!!!

I worked my ass off for this money. 70 hours a week for the past 5 months.
And now it's all going to be gone. (I've bought some things with most of it, but wanted to save a few hundred for emergencies)....

There' s.....your.....sign??

Old Chinese Saying: It is a fool who ignores the obvious!

[XNine]

iblue, months ago I would have ripped off your face and worn it as a mask for saying what you said. But now???

Now I'm home, and I told her I don't have the money to cover all of this in the bank (cos I don't, I will as of the 1st, though). She hasn't talked to me since. I ask her if hamburgers (I make really good ones) were okay. She shook her head yes. She won't even look at me.

I think, perhaps, this is the last straw. I might end up on national tv tomorrow night. :(

BV, thanks for the advice. It's a shame you're already spoken for. I know how to make ramen noodles 100 different ways.

Everyone else, I can give you hugs too.

[CanadaRAM]

I loaned a girlfriend $1500 to buy a car.

She hooked up with another guy and they sold the car.

That you could get p!$$3d about.

Here's the question -- if you are a couple, is wrecking her credit rating worth saving your pride... ?

[Lau]

Now I'm home, and I told her I don't have the money to cover all of this in the bank (cos I don't, I will as of the 1st, though). She hasn't talked to me since. I ask her if hamburgers (I make really good ones) were okay. She shook her head yes. She won't even look at me.
.

I know I don't necessarily speak for every woman here, but even if I was trying to wangle money out of my boyfriend, I wouldn't get pissed off if he told me he didn't have it. It's more likely that I'd think "****! I must have really cleaned him out" and feel bad about it.

The only possible reason I could think that she could be pissed off in this situation is that she suspected you from holding it back and being dishonest. But again, if I was in that situation I would think a) I'm hardly in a position to be annoyed, because he's given me so much, and b) if he is lying, why does he feel he has to? Because I'll take all his cash otherwise. :(

Just what I'd think. But then I'm the kind of girl that wants to earn her own money. Does she expect you to support her? From what you said earlier, that she'd be ok about supporting you, that maybe isn't the case.

I dunno. I actually feel quite annoyed about the fact that you seem to have been basically a Good Bloke and given her the money, and she has the gall to get annoyed, in spite of the fact I don't know you. :mad:

Although, please don't end up on national TV. ;)

[eva01]

i would not be with her, but thats just me cause i enjoy having a little money to myself on occasion

[clayj]

I hate to sound like a prude, but this seems like a textbook example of why people perhaps should not live together before they're at least engaged.

You're sharing a household (which I assume includes rent, groceries, and utilities), but your status with respect to each other isn't well-defined. If you were married or at least engaged, there'd be no question: The money each of you earn would go into a pot called "OUR MONEY". But right now, it's all voluntary.

If you don't want to take a hit to cover her debt, I think the answer is pretty clear... you're not meant to be together.

[cgratti]

Think twice before giving her ANY more money, she is your GIRLFRIEND, not your WIFE. There is a major difference.

She can split tomorrow and you would never see a penny. If you have any doubts about how long you 2 will be together, dont do it. if you feel your relationship is strong and you will get married in the future, then by all means dont lend her the money, GIVE HER THE MONEY.

Once your married there is no lending, it's all giving and taking. both of your cash becomes ONE.

[After G]

If you want to get angry with her, you can use the fact that she emailed you, instead of telling you in person, as a pretext to lay out all the things you're angry about with her.

But seriously, think about whether she's worth giving the money to before you blow your top. It is hard to find a job sometimes, I know from personal experience. She's going to pay you back anyway, so I wouldn't consider it a big deal.

[cgratti]

If you want to get angry with her, you can use the fact that she emailed you, instead of telling you in person, as a pretext to lay out all the things you're angry about with her.

But seriously, think about whether she's worth giving the money to before you blow your top. It is hard to find a job sometimes, I know from personal experience. She's going to pay you back anyway, so I wouldn't consider it a big deal.

How do you know she is going to pay him back, what if he dumps another $850 for HER bills and the next email he gets is a DEAR JOHN email...

I would have to trust in the relationship 100% before I lent anyone that kind of money. Unless I was married like I am, then I have to ask HER for some money from my check... LOL

[Xtremehkr]

I would be wary of lending money to someone you haven't been with for years, or aren't married to.

I've heard of far too many instances in where it has ended badly.

[XNine]

You all raise very interesting points. Her and I have been together for over two years (our 2 year anniversary thingy I bought her an iPod and had it engraved with: An Anniversary iPod, Becuase iLove You.)

So, I hope people don't think I'm this big ass**** who jsut cares about money. I don't generally care. It's just this time is a bit much and the way she's treated me lately feels like I'm just a money tree to her, and little else.

So las tnight we hardly talked to each other, when she tried to talk to me finally I walked away and went into our bedroom. Started on a photoshop project, put on some head phones and just did that the rest of the night.

This morning she was off to training, she left me a note that said "I love you."

Women. Sorry, no offense to those women here. But why the mind games? Not even the devil himself could be this devious.

[Lyle]

I hate to sound like a prude, but this seems like a textbook example of why people perhaps should not live together before they're at least engaged.Yup. I believe the relevant expression is, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?". It sounds like he's not getting the milk for free anymore.

[Blue Velvet]

Women. Sorry, no offense to those women here. But why the mind games? Not even the devil himself could be this devious.

Stalking away from her and putting your headphones on are mind-games as well. Sounds like you both of have a communication problem...

[greg555]

I think you need to talk to her. Explain why you are upset and your
concerns. You also may need to apologize for walking away when she
finally tried to talk to you.

JMO - Greg (married 15 years)

[mpw]

...she is your GIRLFRIEND, not your WIFE. There is a major difference.

She can split tomorrow and you would never see a penny...

Yeah, the difference is that if she were your wife she could split tomorrow with all your money, not just the $850 you gave her! ;)

Sounds to me like your saying you don't think the relationship is worth $850, if that were me I'd have her settle-up her debts and move on to a girl who, a)You'd happily spend a million bucks on, and b)One that wouldn't expect you to spend a penny on her.

[Lau]

Stalking away from her and putting your headphones on are mind-games as well. Sounds like you both of have a communication problem...

I'm afraid I agree. I can see why you would do that when someone's playing games with you though, because it's easy to not play games when neither of you do, but hard to be level headed when someone's playing games with you. :(

[Koodauw]

Money you can replace, People you can not.

That said dont be a fool either.

[iBlue]

Women. Sorry, no offense to those women here. But why the mind games? Not even the devil himself could be this devious.

not all women are so passive-aggressive about things or so confusing. people may not always like what i have to say but you can count on it to be direct and honest. [shrugs]

that said, it sounds like the both of you are sending mixed signals based on a peculiar way of communicating. what exactly do you want out of this relationship? perhaps it's time (for you both) to figure that out before things deteriorate into unrecoverable.

but hey, it's just my $.02

[MarkCollette]

You all raise very interesting points. Her and I have been together for over two years (our 2 year anniversary thingy I bought her an iPod and had it engraved with: An Anniversary iPod, Becuase iLove You.)

That sucks, going to all that effort for a nice gift, and then it having a typo ;)


So, I hope people don't think I'm this big ass**** who jsut cares about money. I don't generally care. It's just this time is a bit much and the way she's treated me lately feels like I'm just a money tree to her, and little else.

So las tnight we hardly talked to each other, when she tried to talk to me finally I walked away and went into our bedroom. Started on a photoshop project, put on some head phones and just did that the rest of the night.

This morning she was off to training, she left me a note that said "I love you."

Women. Sorry, no offense to those women here. But why the mind games? Not even the devil himself could be this devious.

It sounds to me like there's something making her unhappy that you don't know about. It might be that the indebtedness is really getting to her, or that she's now responding to your moodiness, or maybe her new job sucks, or whatever...

So, you need to talk with her, with no crap of somebody walking away before you're done talking. And by talking, I mean that there are two things you need to cover:

1. How she's feeling. Why she's avoiding you, why she's pissy, etc.
2. Your discomfort with this situation

Now, hopefully you can be smart and let her talk first, and really listen to what she has to say, because this will undoubtedly affect your frustrations, either lowering or increasing them.

Finally, why does she have so many bills? Is this previous debt she's making payments on, or are they bills to you for your common living arrangement, or is she racking up new stuff elsewhere living the vida loca? Because, from my uninformed point of view, it doesn't add up.

[ChrisBrightwell]

If you're going to get the money back then I don't see the problem. It's the best way to save without spending it.I have to agree with this whole-heartedly. When my finacee was having a rough time paying her bills (we don't live together yet), I loaned her a few hundred bucks, knowing it would take a while to get it back. That's fine.

When she bought an iBook for school, I loaned her enough to fill in the gap between what she had and what she needed. I knew it would take almost a year to pay me back. That's fine.

I loaned my best friend $200 to pay a parking ticket knowing fully that he had no job and that it would take a while to pay back. I told him to just add a dollar per day after thirty days. :)

Are your loans to her causing a financial hardship for you, or is it just weaking your savings account? If it's causing financial problems for you, that's one thing. If it's just the fact that you hate to do something with that money rather than let it sit in the bank, that's different (IMHO).

If she's really been having a rough time, cut her some slack. If she can keep her head above water with the new job and slowly pay of the debt to you, then don't worry about it. Unless you established some sort of payment plan before you handed her the cash, you really don't have much room to complain.

You said it took you *months* of busting your ass to get this money, and you wound up giving it to some girl. To do that, she's got to mean something to you. Is a little bit of money really worth thrashing that relationship?

Help her keep her head above water, keep tabs on what she owes you, and find ways to make it easy for her to get even with you. Don't be a hardass about it and don't bring it up every week. And, most importantly, don't let it come between the two of you. If you do that, you'll never see her or your money.

[yenko]

iblue, months ago I would have ripped off your face and worn it as a mask for saying what you said. But now???

Now I'm home, and I told her I don't have the money to cover all of this in the bank (cos I don't, I will as of the 1st, though). She hasn't talked to me since. I ask her if hamburgers (I make really good ones) were okay. She shook her head yes. She won't even look at me.

I think, perhaps, this is the last straw. I might end up on national tv tomorrow night. :(

BV, thanks for the advice. It's a shame you're already spoken for. I know how to make ramen noodles 100 different ways.

Everyone else, I can give you hugs too.


You're being played !

[XNine]

I doubt I'm being played. I doubt any woman is worth a million bucks. I doubt that I'm ever going to Marry her. I doubt I'll ever marry anyone.

So, what do I want out of this? That's a damn good question that until now, didn't realize I couldn't answer that.

I will have to do more searching with this, when my head is clearer.

As for the money, I'm giving it to her. We talked today and she said she would pay me most of her first check to get it back to me. I told her "pay me back within 6 months. Christmas is coming up." She told me she's embarrassed and she doesn't want to hurt me. I took that as an apology.


I think that was the best thing to do.

[CanadaRAM]

I doubt I'm being played. I doubt any woman is worth a million bucks. I doubt that I'm ever going to Marry her. I doubt I'll ever marry anyone.

So, what do I want out of this? That's a damn good question that until now, didn't realize I couldn't answer that.

I will have to do more searching with this, when my head is clearer.

As for the money, I'm giving it to her. We talked today and she said she would pay me most of her first check to get it back to me. I told her "pay me back within 6 months. Christmas is coming up." She told me she's embarrassed and she doesn't want to hurt me. I took that as an apology.
I think that was the best thing to do.
Yeah, that's looking more positive. She has admitted she was embarassed to ask, you have set terms under which you are willing to lend money. She has left a note saying "I Love You" -- which is some knda indication that she perceived you had some doubts on that score --

You need to take a close look at what you are communicating to this lady -- for one thing, headphones are an incredibly aggressive thing to someone who is trying to interact with you. They say "You don't exist for me" - that's an apology scenario right there...

Also, I'm guessing she is uptight and doesn't know what to expect from you -- It was hard for her to ask, she got three days of grief out of asking for a hand with bills. I'm thinking you were communicating loud disapproval through body language and the silent treatment...

And you were ambivalent whether this relationship is worth $800 which will likely get paid back? Oi - that's not even a question, man.

OK preaching almost done -- If you want this relationship, get yourselves into some kind of activity that will get you communicating with each other and building trust. It could be counselling, it could be some kind of self-development course you do together, whatever. You might also want to spend some time on yourself to investigate why the issue of money provoked that degree of reaction from you (hint -- it's not her, and it's not the dollars)

Best of luck to you both. Do this and you will have a better relationship

[XNine]

Yeah, that's looking more positive. She has admitted she was embarassed to ask, you have set terms under which you are willing to lend money. She has left a note saying "I Love You" -- which is some knda indication that she perceived you had some doubts on that score --

You need to take a close look at what you are communicating to this lady -- for one thing, headphones are an incredibly aggressive thing to someone who is trying to interact with you. They say "You don't exist for me" - that's an apology scenario right there...

Also, I'm guessing she is uptight and doesn't know what to expect from you -- It was hard for her to ask, she got three days of grief out of asking for a hand with bills. I'm thinking you were communicating loud disapproval through body language and the silent treatment...

And you were ambivalent whether this relationship is worth $800 which will likely get paid back? Oi - that's not even a question, man.

OK preaching almost done -- If you want this relationship, get yourselves into some kind of activity that will get you communicating with each other and building trust. It could be counselling, it could be some kind of self-development course you do together, whatever. You might also want to spend some time on yourself to investigate why the issue of money provoked that degree of reaction from you (hint -- it's not her, and it's not the dollars)

Best of luck to you both. Do this and you will have a better relationship

Your intelligent remarks are kicking the hamsters into gear. Thanks for your honesty.

I appreciate other realists' opinions. Everyone else is usually so one-sided, and on the wrong side. iBlue, and CRAM, I owes ya both.

Thanks to everyone else as well.

[Chip NoVaMac]

A bit late in on this thread. But my two cents are to watch out. My ex (who I had been together with for 13 years) relied on me for many of his bills. Most were paid back in time. Since he was an accountant and wanted a new job, it was decided that clearing up his credit cards would be a good thing. Then the world started to spin apart for him. Long story short I am out of $14K, and had to sell my TH to get things back on track for myself after our split-up.

I know it is hard to say no to someone you care about. In particular when you share the same roof.