patrick0brien
Mar 3, 2003, 01:22 PM
-Enjoy!
BETTER CONSULTING THROUGH CHEMICALS
The following is a list of available substances for your Consulting Chemical Toolbox. It describes the substance, the affect, benefit, and any drawbacks associated with the substance. Get to know how they will affect you, so you can best optimize the affects to the job at hand.
Substance: Caffeine (Coffee, “Mountain Dew”, etc.)
Affect: Sticking to ceiling, levitation, silly noises, seismic vibrations.
Benefit: Effective motivator for performing repetitive work.
Drawback: If taken at inopportune times, user can begin to resemble “Beavis” (of MTV fame), or “Sergeant Carter” (of Gomer Pyle fame) in mannerisms.
Substance: Tobacco
Affect: Brain capillary dilation.
Benefit: Better organized thought processes.
Drawback: Users tend to need oxygen at the worst times; coughing; cancer; death.
Substance: Alcohol
Affect: Slurred speech; uncoordinated movements; impaired thought processes; staggering into walls; stupor.
Benefit: Stress relief.
Drawback: Over-consumption tends to lead to praying to porcelain deity of choice (urinal, toilet, sink, etc.)
Substance: Marijuana
Affect: Rapid thought, time seems to dilate.
Benefit: Able to analyze a challenge and provide solution in a tight time deadline.
Drawback: User tends to get 'the munchies' in presentations with clients; often forgets subject mid-sentence; utter fascination with the movement of the second hand on clocks; passing out.
Substance: Cocaine (“Snow”)
Affect: Energetic euphoria
Benefit: Enables user to perform highly effective and interactive presentations for clients; able to alter strategy mid-stream during implementations.
Drawback: Scope creep tends to become rampant.
Substance: Ecstasy
Affect: ‘Stimulation’
Benefit: Facilitates better interpersonal relationships with clients.
Drawback: User tends to get fired.
Substance: Methamphetamine (“Meth”)
Affect: Extreme energy
Benefit: Able to work for days at a time without rest.
Drawback: User may attempt to leap buildings with a single bound, or fly home without a plane - Leash needed.
Substance: Mushrooms (“Shrooms”)
Affect: Hallucinations
Benefit: Enabler for creating vivid graphical presentations; open, honest evaluation of PowerPoint and other presentations.
Drawback: User tends to be found licking the screen, trying to taste orange, or blue.
Substance: LSD (“Acid”)
Affect: Hallucinations
Benefit: Enabler for thinking waaaaaaaaaay outside the box. Thinking tends to be so far out of the box, in fact, the box might turn into a vase.
Drawback: The vase that used to be a box might start bleeding on the user, causing the user to turn into a fish.
Substance: Peyote
Affect: Breaking down conscious-subconscious barrier, subconscious tends to be given form through hallucination.
Benefit: Tend to facilitate the solving of deeply-rooted psychological challenges, e.g. shrink-in-a-bottle.
Drawback: User tends to vomit…a lot.
Substance: Heroin
Affect: Euphoria
Benefit: User not easily upset.
Drawback: User tends to say “wow, man” a lot and not do much else; is deathly afraid of “the shakes”.
Substance: Opium
Affect: Depressant; sleep.
Benefit: Effective at getting users over sleep deprivation.
Drawback: God could land, and it wouldn’t wake the user.
Substance: PCP (“Angel Dust”)
Affect: Hysterical strength coupled with extremely high pain threshold.
Benefit: Enables user to get to the 20th floor of a building quickly without the assistance of an elevator.
Drawback: Tendency to pick up the bar with the bar tab; if user is aiming for a 20th floor window, make sure it’s open.
Substance: Inhalants (Whiteout, glue, etc.)
Affect: Detachment from reality.
Benefit: Provides ability to sit through insipid sales presentations without falling asleep.
Drawback: Blackouts; inability to recognize the end of afore-mentioned presentation.
Substance: Crack Cocaine
Affect: High intensity, short duration energy.
Benefit: Enables user to sprint at superhuman speeds to intercept a proposal with a typo…in Brazil.
Drawback: Burned fingers; if user is in mid-stride crossing the Caribbean (on way to Brazil) when the affects wear off, can lead to drowning.
Substance: Helium
Affect: Elevated vocal pitch.
Benefit: Comedy relief; effective disposal of party balloons.
Drawback: Tendency to sing “The Lollipop Guild” from “The Wizard of OZ”; unconsciousness.
Substance: Nitrous Oxide
Affect: Detachment from reality; humor susceptibility is increased.
Benefit: Physical pain threshold of user is increased; antidepressant.
Drawback: Uncontrollable laughing; morbid fear of dentist drill; tends to make “everything sound like an Atari game”.
There are others among the colorful ranks of drugs and substances that can alter the performance capabilities of the consultant. Just be sure that one knows one’s tolerances and their personal reactions to these performance enhancers before employing. Also remember not to mix, as the result may be detrimental. For example it is known that mixing Opium and Alcohol can lead to Narcoleptic Bedwetting. Definitely not a desired performance factor.
Remember that due to these new factors in consulting, ratings including these will now be present on your project reviews, and year-end reviews.
Any more for the toolbox..? :D
BETTER CONSULTING THROUGH CHEMICALS
The following is a list of available substances for your Consulting Chemical Toolbox. It describes the substance, the affect, benefit, and any drawbacks associated with the substance. Get to know how they will affect you, so you can best optimize the affects to the job at hand.
Substance: Caffeine (Coffee, “Mountain Dew”, etc.)
Affect: Sticking to ceiling, levitation, silly noises, seismic vibrations.
Benefit: Effective motivator for performing repetitive work.
Drawback: If taken at inopportune times, user can begin to resemble “Beavis” (of MTV fame), or “Sergeant Carter” (of Gomer Pyle fame) in mannerisms.
Substance: Tobacco
Affect: Brain capillary dilation.
Benefit: Better organized thought processes.
Drawback: Users tend to need oxygen at the worst times; coughing; cancer; death.
Substance: Alcohol
Affect: Slurred speech; uncoordinated movements; impaired thought processes; staggering into walls; stupor.
Benefit: Stress relief.
Drawback: Over-consumption tends to lead to praying to porcelain deity of choice (urinal, toilet, sink, etc.)
Substance: Marijuana
Affect: Rapid thought, time seems to dilate.
Benefit: Able to analyze a challenge and provide solution in a tight time deadline.
Drawback: User tends to get 'the munchies' in presentations with clients; often forgets subject mid-sentence; utter fascination with the movement of the second hand on clocks; passing out.
Substance: Cocaine (“Snow”)
Affect: Energetic euphoria
Benefit: Enables user to perform highly effective and interactive presentations for clients; able to alter strategy mid-stream during implementations.
Drawback: Scope creep tends to become rampant.
Substance: Ecstasy
Affect: ‘Stimulation’
Benefit: Facilitates better interpersonal relationships with clients.
Drawback: User tends to get fired.
Substance: Methamphetamine (“Meth”)
Affect: Extreme energy
Benefit: Able to work for days at a time without rest.
Drawback: User may attempt to leap buildings with a single bound, or fly home without a plane - Leash needed.
Substance: Mushrooms (“Shrooms”)
Affect: Hallucinations
Benefit: Enabler for creating vivid graphical presentations; open, honest evaluation of PowerPoint and other presentations.
Drawback: User tends to be found licking the screen, trying to taste orange, or blue.
Substance: LSD (“Acid”)
Affect: Hallucinations
Benefit: Enabler for thinking waaaaaaaaaay outside the box. Thinking tends to be so far out of the box, in fact, the box might turn into a vase.
Drawback: The vase that used to be a box might start bleeding on the user, causing the user to turn into a fish.
Substance: Peyote
Affect: Breaking down conscious-subconscious barrier, subconscious tends to be given form through hallucination.
Benefit: Tend to facilitate the solving of deeply-rooted psychological challenges, e.g. shrink-in-a-bottle.
Drawback: User tends to vomit…a lot.
Substance: Heroin
Affect: Euphoria
Benefit: User not easily upset.
Drawback: User tends to say “wow, man” a lot and not do much else; is deathly afraid of “the shakes”.
Substance: Opium
Affect: Depressant; sleep.
Benefit: Effective at getting users over sleep deprivation.
Drawback: God could land, and it wouldn’t wake the user.
Substance: PCP (“Angel Dust”)
Affect: Hysterical strength coupled with extremely high pain threshold.
Benefit: Enables user to get to the 20th floor of a building quickly without the assistance of an elevator.
Drawback: Tendency to pick up the bar with the bar tab; if user is aiming for a 20th floor window, make sure it’s open.
Substance: Inhalants (Whiteout, glue, etc.)
Affect: Detachment from reality.
Benefit: Provides ability to sit through insipid sales presentations without falling asleep.
Drawback: Blackouts; inability to recognize the end of afore-mentioned presentation.
Substance: Crack Cocaine
Affect: High intensity, short duration energy.
Benefit: Enables user to sprint at superhuman speeds to intercept a proposal with a typo…in Brazil.
Drawback: Burned fingers; if user is in mid-stride crossing the Caribbean (on way to Brazil) when the affects wear off, can lead to drowning.
Substance: Helium
Affect: Elevated vocal pitch.
Benefit: Comedy relief; effective disposal of party balloons.
Drawback: Tendency to sing “The Lollipop Guild” from “The Wizard of OZ”; unconsciousness.
Substance: Nitrous Oxide
Affect: Detachment from reality; humor susceptibility is increased.
Benefit: Physical pain threshold of user is increased; antidepressant.
Drawback: Uncontrollable laughing; morbid fear of dentist drill; tends to make “everything sound like an Atari game”.
There are others among the colorful ranks of drugs and substances that can alter the performance capabilities of the consultant. Just be sure that one knows one’s tolerances and their personal reactions to these performance enhancers before employing. Also remember not to mix, as the result may be detrimental. For example it is known that mixing Opium and Alcohol can lead to Narcoleptic Bedwetting. Definitely not a desired performance factor.
Remember that due to these new factors in consulting, ratings including these will now be present on your project reviews, and year-end reviews.
Any more for the toolbox..? :D
