4 1/2 years and it's over [Archive]

Moxiemike

Nov 5, 2003, 03:12 PM

Originally posted by pseudobrit
My girlfriend of 4 1/2 years officially dumped me last night.
She's virtually all I know in life anymore. I devoted my heart and soul to her.

Now I have to hear her tell me she hasn't really loved me for the last two years and wants to date some guy in one of her classes.

My life is about to change completely. I have to move out and start over. I have to pick through "my" stuff and separate it from "her" stuff, with the knowledge that only two days ago it was our stuff and was going to be "our" stuff for eternity.

it hurts... bad

god it hurts

Ever see "say anything"?

"You need to find a girl who looks just like her, **** her, and then dump her. It'll make you feel better" was the advice Lloyd Dobbler's friends gave him.

I bestow this upon you. Either that, or get the MR faithful to pitch in for a GOOD stripper for ya. I'll pitch a few bucks. ;) Anyone else??

Mr. Anderson

Nov 5, 2003, 05:00 PM

Sorry to hear that - but I've been there and it does get better. Eye's right, though, it could just be the best thing that ever happened to you. Only thing is you won't realize this until much later.

Good luck and don't get bogged down in the 'mine' and 'yours' issues when moving out. When it happened to me we each made a list of what we wanted, that we had bought *together* and anything that we both wanted we traded for on other items. Worked out well in the end for me.

D

wdlove

Nov 5, 2003, 08:55 PM

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup pseudobrit. Hopefully this will be the beginning of great things for your life. Sounds to me like she is not worth your time. I'm sure that you will find that someone special, just be patient.

MrMacMan

Nov 5, 2003, 10:21 PM

Ah man, sorry bout that.

Your gonna move on, always find someone better who really loves you.

:)

jefhatfield

Nov 5, 2003, 10:21 PM

i really can't add much to what has been said, but there's tons of great advice the above posts for you and like mentioned, the worst part is only temporary

the basic optomistic nature of people is what makes us what we are

eyelikeart

Nov 5, 2003, 10:30 PM

Originally posted by jefhatfield
the basic optomistic nature of people is what makes us what we are

Well, it's much like it was said back in the 80's...

"When u reach the bottom line, the only thing to do is climb. Pick yourself up off the floor, don't know what you're waiting for." ;)

Roger1

Nov 6, 2003, 11:16 AM

OK, eye, what song is that from? You've piqued my interest. :)

eyelikeart

Nov 6, 2003, 11:29 AM

Originally posted by Roger1
OK, eye, what song is that from? You've piqued my interest. :)

The Bottom Line - Big Audio Dynamite :)

mymemory

Nov 6, 2003, 11:48 AM

pseudobrit

I just broke up with my girlfriend too, we had been together for the same amount of time as you.

Let me give you my analysis of the situation.

Your pain is 50% ego broken and 50% chemistry. If you were the one that dumped her you wouldn't feel that bad, even if you did it a minute before her. That is the ego part.

Then the chemistry, your body was in pleasure with her and now she is not there any more, that is the part that hurts the most because there is no more pleasure and security and your endorphins are gonna make you feel pretty bad to push you back to her.

The only way to avoid that is with time and getting busy. It may take you from one week up to two.

Just be aware that most of the feelings are biologically. The love will be there at the end but love doesn't hurt, chemistry does.

Just put all her things in a box and do not look or recall her at all, it is the shortest way to fine the balance.

And trust me, there is another cutie out there waiting for some one like you.

agreenster

Nov 6, 2003, 11:55 AM

Sorry to hear about this dude. Take some time to grieve. Just remember everything will be okay.:(

NavyIntel007

Nov 6, 2003, 12:06 PM

Why she making you move out?

Kick her cheating scumbag rearend out and you keep the apartment. Afterall, if she's breaking it off with you, she should move out.

Women.... you give them an inch, they take it all.

iGav

Nov 6, 2003, 12:43 PM

Originally posted by NavyIntel007
Why she making you move out?

Kick her cheating scumbag rearend out and you keep the apartment. Afterall, if she's breaking it off with you, she should move out.

Women.... you give them an inch, they take it all.

:p :p :p :p :p

chrisnturkey

Nov 6, 2003, 01:19 PM

Symapthies, bro.

Been through it too more times than I care to recall. My top 5 list:

1) Get busy: Work. Eat out. Call the boys and hoist the pints. Play sports. Play backgammon. Just don't mope.

2) Treat yourself: Go buy yourself some new clothes, a new cell phone, some new CD's, a wireless eighteen button ergonomic mouse - something you have wanted for a while but was never quite high enough on the priority list.

3) Do a ritual cleaning: leave her the old place; you need new digs. Box and store (if sentimental) or ditch (if not) anything that reminds you of her. Don't hate her - forget her.

4) Foster old relationships and build new ones: now is the time to spend some quality time with the boys. Talk to girls: not neccessarilly to sleep with them, but just to remind yourself that they are out there, some of them are pretty, others nice, and some even both. Finally, forget strippers - you'll just feel lonely afterwards. Go professional: some sweet, sweet lovin' with a girl whose real name you don't know and don"t care about is just the thing.

5) Be patient: Time heals. Certainly, it is through pain that we grow the most. Remember what the great man said, "What does not kill me makes me stronger."

:)

mymemory

Nov 6, 2003, 03:10 PM

Be a gentleman, always.

That doesn't mean to kiss her a** but be as correct as you can be and treat her like a lady. That may leave the door opens for the future and in that future you will settle the rules then.

Let me tell you that I can choose now from my pass 4 best girlfriends, just because I was a man when I was supposed to be one.

Just positive energy, you are the correct one, and that is gonna make you feel a lot better.

applemacdude

Nov 6, 2003, 09:06 PM

Dont worry, girls come and go...

mactastic

Nov 6, 2003, 09:31 PM

Sorry to hear that Pseudo... You'll land on your feet though. This will be for the better, even if it don't look that way now.

janey

Nov 6, 2003, 09:44 PM

i understand why psuedobrit is so sad...but dude all you MALES are bashing women as if they were worthless or something.... :(

psuedobrit cheer up. i dont know what its like to be in your shoes (and i hope i never do) but there's probably another person out there that you'll truly love, and one who will truly love you.

iJon

Nov 6, 2003, 10:06 PM

im so sorry man, like jello my girl broke up with me about 2 months ago and i posted here. its gonna take some months but you will be ok. if she has felt this way for 2 years and never told you than you are way better off with out her. apparently she doesnt know where her feelings stand and is an emotional distress (maybe). probably to help you ease this is to break off all contact. when i posted my problem i explained how i was still dedicated to reamining best friends with her, like it was before. well i got advice from much wiser people and broke off all contact with her. i felt so great after that and life couldnt be better. this monday she called me and explained how she wanted to wish me a happy birthday but didnt know how to tell me. i guess after that conversation she felt we were all buddy buddy again and we talked alot for 3 straight days. i really didnt enjoy it and called her the other night and told her i cant do this, and i cant be here to listen about her problems (which she tends to have a lot of). I could go on with more information but it isnt necessary. basically i havnet been hurt to bad with the relationship, it was for 2-3 years but we are also in high school so ya know. you may find this dorky but this site has some pretty kick ass information on it and i love reading the articles as well as the forums. www.askmen.com. i used to read it a long time ago but never applied to someone in jr high, but after having a serious and sexual relationship for 2+ years the site has become very informative and interesting.

iJon

rainman::|:|

Nov 6, 2003, 10:31 PM

hey.

i'm not going to feed you a bunch of ************ about how it's all great, and life is roses, and do ___ to feel better, and things will always be fantastic from now on. you know better. sometimes life sucks, for no reason at all, and it hurts a lot more than you think you can take.

if you want to talk, feel free to pm or email me. i've been through this too. i can't help, i'll be honest, but i can talk, and more importantly i can listen. and sometimes that's all that matters.

pnw

Powerbook G5

Nov 6, 2003, 10:36 PM

I've been burnt pretty bad by more than a few girls, myself. On the bright side, I end up saving a lot of money when I am single and get time to enjoy much missed video games and Apple/automative/video game shopping sprees with the extra cash that I'd spend on my girlfriends.

jelloshotsrule

Nov 7, 2003, 01:23 AM

Originally posted by übergeek
i understand why psuedobrit is so sad...but dude all you MALES are bashing women as if they were worthless or something.... :(

dudette, watch when you say "all you MALES"

paul- good call. i agree that nothing any of us can say will make things easier.. and everyone has different experiences. i've found that listening is the best way to help.

pseudobrit

Nov 7, 2003, 04:14 AM

Originally posted by mymemory
Be a gentleman, always.

That doesn't mean to kiss her a** but be as correct as you can be and treat her like a lady. That may leave the door opens for the future and in that future you will settle the rules then.

Let me tell you that I can choose now from my pass 4 best girlfriends, just because I was a man when I was supposed to be one.

Just positive energy, you are the correct one, and that is gonna make you feel a lot better.

I've done almost exactly what you recommend here. I'm really glad I did because it helped me bring a little closure to the whole thing and understand what had happened.

I was mature enough that I didn't burn any bridges; I built some. At first I wanted to blame her one friend because I know she was supportive of the idea of her ditching me. But unltimately I know my girl too well and I know the only advice she listens to comes from the voice in her own head. Instead of being bitter and nasty as I initially felt like doing, I ended up going to her, sitting down and having a few good talks with her about my relationship and my girl and why what happened happened.

I'm going to give her space. About 2 years ago, my girlfriend told me something had changed, but I stuck it out, refused to let it split us and she decided to try again. She's been trying to get the feeling back for two years now, so I can't blame her for anything; she really tried to feel it more than I can expect her to have. I hold no resentment in my heart.

I'm not sure it's that she can't love me, I just think at this point in her life she can't commit the emotional energy to a serious relationship that sustains love with anyone.

When she gets stressed out, she just shuts down. Other people's problems have a way of becoming her problems somehow. Her mother used to project her problems onto her when she lived at home, which is why she wanted to move out with me (I wasn't really ready for it) three years ago.

She's been going to school full time and working full time at some pretty stressful jobs. She's been pushing hard at work for the past few semesters to try to raise her GPA and get into a master's program somewhere. Her father is not well (diabetes) and has no job or medical insurance, her brother is a deadbeat mooch and her mother is a neurotic mess. I think the last thing she needs at this point in her life is to have to wash my underwear. She was kind of shutting down to me, and our communication suffered in the mix.

She doesn't need the baggage of me when making life changine choices like whether or not to go to graduate school and what state to go to. Or if she takes a job, it doesn't have to be local to the area.

So, I'm telling her I'll move on. I'd been thinking about joining the Army for quite some time but didn't mainly because of her.
I'm going to make a decision within the next few weeks along with my brother (who was getting out in a few months but is re-upping so he can fight in Iraq) that could take up the next three years of my life and give me a lot more leverage on life than I have now.
If things work out how I'd like them to, some of you guys down in Louisiana might be getting a new neighbour in a few months.

I hope she moves on too. Maybe she'll find what she needs, maybe not. Maybe I'll find someone, maybe not.

I know there is an undeniable connection between the two of us that is at once both friendship and transcending it. I'll make a decision within the next week or so if I want to keep in touch with her in some capacity, perhaps just with letters. I may feel there's too much history (nearly five years) between us to just walk away forever. There have been many milestones and memories we've experienced together.

If we find that after our lives are on track and we're more mature but still haven't found anyone, then if something is meant to happen it will. Maybe we'd like to give it another shot then, and I think I'd be ready and it just might work out. But I'll move on.

It's just the end of a chapter in each of the stories of our lives, not the end of the book of us.

rhpenguin

Nov 7, 2003, 05:23 AM

I dont mean to sound like a dick, but man, having her do this is better than her sneaking around behind your back cheating on you or whatever. If there was no love there for the last two years from her, would there be any there in 5?

Just a few thoughts...

crap freakboy

Nov 7, 2003, 06:57 AM

c'mon get a grip...time heals n all that jazz. Sorry that sounds harsh...fraid I'm no Oprah. Try sleeping around for awhile, casual sex never anyone as long as you use protection.

jelloshotsrule

Nov 7, 2003, 07:59 AM

Originally posted by crap freakboy
c'mon get a grip...time heals n all that jazz. Sorry that sounds harsh...fraid I'm no Oprah. Try sleeping around for awhile, casual sex never anyone as long as you use protection.

hahahahahahahah

at first i thought you were serious.

but now, i get it...

hahahahha

eyelikeart

Nov 7, 2003, 08:57 AM

Originally posted by pseudobrit

It's just the end of a chapter in each of the stories of our lives, not the end of the book of us.

bingo! :D

It's just the start of another chapter man. Things will work out, they always do. Just keep your head up & keep a good outlook. ;)

mactastic

Nov 7, 2003, 09:11 AM

Keep the lines of communication open, but don't be expecting much in the way of getting back together. It's not healthy to plan your life on that. Whatever happens, happens. It will work out for the best for you, and as someone else mentioned there is probably a reason for this that you just can't see right now.

rt_brained

Nov 7, 2003, 09:12 AM

Originally posted by pseudobrit
Now I have to hear her tell me she hasn't really loved me for the last two years and wants to date some guy in one of her classes.
I'm not sure it's that she can't love me, I just think at this point in her life she can't commit the emotional energy to a serious relationship that sustains love with anyone.
I can relate personally with your situation. But don't let your love for her and feelings of abandonment blind you to the facts.

The two statements you made in separate posts appear to contradict each other. I know you want to be understanding with her, but I think you're giving her far too much credit or you're just blinded by your pain. Perhaps the second comment about not being interested in a serious relationship came from her.

If she was truly at a point in her life where she couldn't commit to a serious relationship, then believe me, she wouldn't be interested in anyone else, even on a casual level right now. When you truly get to a point in your life where you need space to sort things out, then dating can feel like a complete waste of time. On the other hand, if you're at a crossroads professionally (or in school) and feel your relationship has petered out, chances are you're not necessarily averse to the idea of dating seriously, just averse to maintaining an old, dying relationship.

I have another theory:
You mentioned she was interested in someone from college, and that she might go to grad school or start her career soon. You also said YOU were considering joining the Army.

Most college grads see the transition to their career daunting enough without joining the military, so I'm gonna go out on a limb and assume you haven't finished college. That's statistics, not an insult. I'm former military and a univ. grad. myself.

If the above paragraph is true, then my guess is that you two are on separate paths and she no longer sees a future together. The mere fact that she's interested in someone else already means she checked out of this relationship of yours a long time ago.

I wouldn't hold out much hope for the two of you hooking up later in life, unless you head straight back to school after your stint in the military and finish out your degree right away. But that's 6-8 years away at best and, she will likely have already settled down by then.

If you see the military as a way out, an opportunity for something better or a way to earn her respect, think again. Even though I think the 8 wks of boot camp made me a better person, I could have done just as well without the long-term commitment to structured living, extraordinarily low pay and taking orders from people with half my intellect and common sense.

If you're looking for something to help get you out of your funk, there are lots more avenues for personal growth that aren't nearly as drastic...or potentially life-threatening.

howard

Nov 7, 2003, 09:47 AM

i'd like to ask you guys that this has happened to a question...if you don't mind.

when these girls who all the sudden say they don't love you anymore, or never did...well what did they say previously?...during the time you were together? did they seem truthful honest and deeply meaningful when they'd say i love you? i can't believe they'd be able to say that so truthfully and then all the sudden end it saying there feelings were nothing.

i really sympathize with you guys. I hope everything turns out fine, i'm sure it will and you'll find an even better girl to spend your life with.

pseudobrit

Nov 7, 2003, 10:49 AM

Originally posted by rt_brained
The two statements you made in separate posts appear to contradict each other. I know you want to be understanding with her, but I think you're giving her far too much credit or you're just blinded by your pain. Perhaps the second comment about not being interested in a serious relationship came from her.

If she was truly at a point in her life where she couldn't commit to a serious relationship, then believe me, she wouldn't be interested in anyone else, even on a casual level right now.

I don't quite know what's going on. We still have to have a talk about what's going to happen now and how we feel.

That talk should take place tomorrow.

I dont think she knows that she's incapable of loving someone right now. Ergo, she thinks she's just incapable of loving me, which means she thinks she could find love elsewhere. She wants to find someone she can love and based on conversations I've had with her/our friends and her family I just don't think she's capable of it right now.

Time will tell, and whatever happens happens.

pseudobrit

Nov 7, 2003, 10:54 AM

Originally posted by rt_brained
If the above paragraph is true, then my guess is that you two are on separate paths and she no longer sees a future together.

I don't know how it will turn out. We both love New Orleans and that's where I'd try to be stationed. I know she'd love to find a career there, so maybe our paths will cross again.

eyelikeart

Nov 7, 2003, 10:56 AM

Originally posted by pseudobrit
I don't know how it will turn out. We both love New Orleans and that's where I'd try to be stationed. I know she'd love to find a career there, so maybe our paths will cross again.

so what's in new orleans that is of interest?

if I may ask?

pseudobrit

Nov 7, 2003, 11:05 AM

The city.

pseudobrit

Nov 7, 2003, 11:07 AM

And the weather is good for my health ;)

mactastic

Nov 7, 2003, 11:14 AM

Plus there's all that great food, and once a year there's bare boobs in the streets. I hear the New Orleans Jazz Festival is awesome, and they have a ton of other festivals there every year. The food and music alone would be sorely tempting. Still not quite enough to make me want to leave the California coast though....

cr2sh

Nov 7, 2003, 11:45 AM

All I can say is "been there."

The one piece of advice I can give it stay strong. Try to seperate yourself from the wealth of emotions and keep in mind, nothing is forever.

You see it right now, christ, a week ago what you thought was everything has now gone away... this loneliness is the same way. She will have second thoughts, there's no doubt about that, this new guy won't live up to the standards you've set... she just got greedy. Here's the thing though, looking at her after this.. will never be the same. If you stay strong, and it dont let it eat away at you.. thats the best chance you have of "winning" her back.

You know you're a hell of a guy, you know you loved her... this new joker, he's going to be a let down to her, so keep youre head up. Take this chance to dive into your other passions in life, turn this into something great. She will have second thoughts, but so will you... she's all you want right now, I know, but if you come across to her all needy, she isnt going to want you.

I know. This is the worst, most unhealthy advice I can give. But I've always been great about detaching myself from my emotions.

eyelikeart

Nov 7, 2003, 12:05 PM

Originally posted by mactastic
Plus there's all that great food, and once a year there's bare boobs in the streets. I hear the New Orleans Jazz Festival is awesome, and they have a ton of other festivals there every year. The food and music alone would be sorely tempting. Still not quite enough to make me want to leave the California coast though....

It's definitely a fun city for sure. We're very laid back here, and it's a great place for creative types to get inspiration. There's tons of pros & cons though: Great food...great culture...bad economic growth...poor public education.

If I were to ever move, my choice would be between DC & somewhere in NoCal. ;)

mactastic

Nov 7, 2003, 12:38 PM

Originally posted by eyelikeart
If I were to ever move, my choice would be between DC & somewhere in NoCal. ;)

I know, I'm so spoiled here. The Monterey Jazz Fest is no small potatoes, there's tons of cultural stuff, although where I am now, most of it is about 3 hours away in either direction. When I was up in Santa Cruz man, that was amazing. Good music all over the place, SF only an 80 minute drive, San Jose and Monterey only 30 minutes.

Only drawback is the price. But when you go stand on the beach and watch the sun go down, and realize you live where people come for vacation, you tend to forget about the cost... at least temporarily.;)

pseudobrit

Nov 7, 2003, 01:28 PM

Originally posted by cr2sh
All I can say is "been there."

The one piece of advice I can give it stay strong. Try to seperate yourself from the wealth of emotions and keep in mind, nothing is forever.

You see it right now, christ, a week ago what you thought was everything has now gone away... this loneliness is the same way. She will have second thoughts, there's no doubt about that, this new guy won't live up to the standards you've set... she just got greedy. Here's the thing though, looking at her after this.. will never be the same. If you stay strong, and it dont let it eat away at you.. thats the best chance you have of "winning" her back.

You know you're a hell of a guy, you know you loved her... this new joker, he's going to be a let down to her, so keep youre head up. Take this chance to dive into your other passions in life, turn this into something great. She will have second thoughts, but so will you... she's all you want right now, I know, but if you come across to her all needy, she isnt going to want you.

I know. This is the worst, most unhealthy advice I can give. But I've always been great about detaching myself from my emotions.

I know the chances are slim that anything will reconnect with us, but we'll see. Fate has a sense of flippancy.

Playfrsbee

Nov 7, 2003, 01:55 PM

Cheer up guy. I got dumped in september by my girl of 3 years. Watch "Swingers". I guarantee it will make you feel better (there's no better therapy then laughter). Best breakup movie ever (at least for guys). You're money.

Ethan

rueyeet

Nov 7, 2003, 04:03 PM

Originally posted by howard
i'd like to ask you guys that this has happened to a question...if you don't mind.

when these girls who all the sudden say they don't love you anymore, or never did...well what did they say previously?...during the time you were together? did they seem truthful honest and deeply meaningful when they'd say i love you? i can't believe they'd be able to say that so truthfully and then all the sudden end it saying there feelings were nothing.

I'm not one of those guys, but here's an answer from the girls' side of things:

It takes a while to realize that things are irreversible. So the "I haven't loved you for the past two years" probably includes the year it took her to figure that out, and the re-editing of her perceptions of the other year. And even then, as the woman, once you realize this, if you're the only one who feels that way...well. Women are taught that maintaining the relationship is up to them. A lot of us try and "fix" it, or make things better, or otherwise fool ourselves into thinking that it's not over, or can be redeemed, etc. Once the realization that it's over can't be escaped, then you have to face the fact that you're really going to have to hurt him to let him know the truth. If you don't hate him, this becomes one heck of an act of courage. It sucks, and so sometimes it gets put off while you find the guts.

I know, because this is how my last relationship ended. I still loved him, but really disagreed with a lot of very basic moral and other tenets of his, and didn't want the same things from life at all. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done--we had been talking about marriage, and I knew how much he loved me. So there's your answer. I actually don't think it's any different when the gender roles are reversed...it's more to do with how human beings process loss.

Since we're all throwing massive amounts of unsolicited advice at pseudobrit, here's mine: You said you'd made this girl your entire life--that's never healthy. Don't do that next time. Have your own life, your own friends, your own interests apart from your significant other. Then you'll not only have a support network if things go bad, but you'll be bringing yourself to the relationship as a complete person.

pseudobrit

Nov 7, 2003, 06:01 PM

eyelikeart

Nov 7, 2003, 06:12 PM

Originally posted by mactastic
I know, I'm so spoiled here. The Monterey Jazz Fest is no small potatoes, there's tons of cultural stuff, although where I am now, most of it is about 3 hours away in either direction. When I was up in Santa Cruz man, that was amazing. Good music all over the place, SF only an 80 minute drive, San Jose and Monterey only 30 minutes.

Only drawback is the price. But when you go stand on the beach and watch the sun go down, and realize you live where people come for vacation, you tend to forget about the cost... at least temporarily.;)

Exactly. I spent 9 days out there 2 years ago, and I loved every second of it. I felt San Jose was an ideal mid-ground between the resort beauty of Monterrey & the exciting city life of San Francisco. :)

Stelliform

Nov 7, 2003, 10:01 PM

Originally posted by eyelikeart

If I were to ever move, my choice would be between DC & somewhere in NoCal. ;)

Hey Eye, you should just move to Lafayette! We at least have economic growth here. ;) :p

pseudobrit, Let me say that I would have never pinned you for someone would would ever entertain the idea of joining the Army, but I also stopped reading all threads political months ago so I might have missed it.

Anyway, you certainly know what is best for you, and if you make it down this way we certainly will have to throw together a mini geekfest! Besides, cajun girls are hot. ;) (If you like straight brown hair, dark brown eyes, and no need for implants. ;))

And here is my nugget of advice. My wife and I broke up in college for 9 months. It was the best thing for us, and if we just went straight to being married we certainly would have divorced by now. So get out there and enjoy yourself. I did, and I will always look with fondness on those 9 months. (I needed it more than my wife. ;)

pseudobrit

Nov 8, 2003, 11:26 AM

Originally posted by Stelliform
And here is my nugget of advice. My wife and I broke up in college for 9 months. It was the best thing for us, and if we just went straight to being married we certainly would have divorced by now. So get out there and enjoy yourself. I did, and I will always look with fondness on those 9 months. (I needed it more than my wife. ;)

So you dated other people during those 9 months?

pseudobrit

Nov 8, 2003, 03:50 PM

I still can't get over this.

I can't sleep for more than an hour or two. I'm exhausted physically and emotionally. I haven't eaten or had anything to drink but water since noon Tuesday.

She just won't talk to me. I've said what I needed to say to her but she's just shut down emotionally.

I have a feeling of despair and emptiness that makes me just want to not go on. I don't want to die but I don't care if I live.

Today is quite possibly the lowest point in my life.

iJon

Nov 8, 2003, 03:53 PM

Originally posted by pseudobrit
I still can't get over this.

I can't sleep for more than an hour or two. I'm exhausted physically and emotionally. I haven't eaten or had anything to drink but water since noon Tuesday.

She just won't talk to me. I've said what I needed to say to her but she's just shut down emotionally.

I have a feeling of despair and emptiness that makes me just want to not go on. I don't want to die but I don't care if I live.

Today is quite possibly the lowest point in my life.
yeah i felt that way for a day, and i really dont know why. how old are you anyways, 4 1/2 years is a long time to be in a relationship, if you are old enough you should have let her go or married her. youll get over it, but in the meantime you need to break off all contact, your just gonnna keep hurting yourself becuase you hanging onto something you cant have.

iJon

pseudobrit

Nov 8, 2003, 04:12 PM

Originally posted by iJon
yeah i felt that way for a day, and i really dont know why. how old are you anyways, 4 1/2 years is a long time to be in a relationship, if you are old enough you should have let her go or married her. youll get over it, but in the meantime you need to break off all contact, your just gonnna keep hurting yourself becuase you hanging onto something you cant have.

iJon

I'm 24. I was with her since I was 19 and she was 16. We started dating in May 1999. This is a fifth of my life reduced to memories.

iJon

Nov 8, 2003, 04:23 PM

Originally posted by pseudobrit
I'm 24. I was with her since I was 19 and she was 16. We started dating in May 1999. This is a fifth of my life reduced to memories. yeah i know how it feels, my girl broke up with me, we had been best friends since 7th grade. realized we liked each other in 8th. fooled around in 10th and fell in love and never looked at another person and was still in love until beginning of senior year. in high school you really develop so thats why i felt like my life has gone down the drain. but i dont feel like that anymore. 4 1/2 years is a long ass time for not seeing other people or not considering marriage. but you really need to stop calling her and avoid seeing her, its just going to keep hurting you. i keep talking to girl and tried to be friends and realized it was just going to hurt to much. so i broke off all contact and it really hurt her that we didnt talk anymore and by the time she told me she wanted to be friends i stopped caring and loving her so i was like i dont care, i dont want to deal with you anymore. its gonna take a month or two, just start chilling with your friends and just having fun and things will more than likey get better, they did for me

iJon

Sayhey

Nov 8, 2003, 04:56 PM

Originally posted by pseudobrit
I'm 24. I was with her since I was 19 and she was 16. We started dating in May 1999. This is a fifth of my life reduced to memories.

pseudobrit,

you're 24! You have your whole life ahead of you with years of love of wine, women, and song. Seize the opportunity, brother, and enjoy life. Don't let yourself dwell on a relationship with someone who doesn't want you. Hell, it just shows she's not a very good judge of character, right? My advice is to go find your best friend and get sloshed, cry a few tears, and then look for an new place and a life with somebody who appreciates you. Take it from a old man, this is probably not your last heartache in life, but it maybe the start of something very good.

Stelliform

Nov 8, 2003, 05:08 PM

....

johnnowak

Nov 8, 2003, 05:22 PM

It's gonna take awhile to get over man. If you expect to get over it in a week like some of these guys say, you'll be sadly disappointed and more depressed than you ought to be. You will get over it though, and you will meet someone else. Anyone this beat up over a girl is surely sensitive and caring enough to fall in love again.

Also, agree with stillform.. sometimes time apart is what you need to realize you work well together.

e-coli

Nov 8, 2003, 05:25 PM

Hey, man. It's all an adventure. Just think how exciting it is now...I mean, now you don't know if the next person you meet will be the person you spend the rest of your life with. I mean, how exciting is THAT???

I loved being single. It's so nice...even though it doen't seem that way right now.

mymemory

Nov 8, 2003, 05:32 PM

Hey! Go find Austin Powers "The Spy who shack me" and watch what he says when he discover his wife is a fembot and she explode!

I'm single again!!!

pseudobrit

Nov 8, 2003, 08:26 PM

Wow. I just spent three hours writing up a timeline of our relationship. It made me feel better, too. Good times and memories that'll be with me forever and bad omens that haunt me.

iJon

Nov 8, 2003, 08:31 PM

Originally posted by pseudobrit
Wow. I just spent three hours writing up a timeline of our relationship. It made me feel better, too. Good times and memories that'll be with me forever and bad omens that haunt me.
writing always helps you out. blogging is also a fun way of writing your feelings, maybe you should look into it.

iJon

howard

Nov 8, 2003, 08:46 PM

Originally posted by rueyeet
I'm not one of those guys, but here's an answer from the girls' side of things:

It takes a while to realize that things are irreversible. So the "I haven't loved you for the past two years" probably includes the year it took her to figure that out, and the re-editing of her perceptions of the other year. And even then, as the woman, once you realize this, if you're the only one who feels that way...well. Women are taught that maintaining the relationship is up to them. A lot of us try and "fix" it, or make things better, or otherwise fool ourselves into thinking that it's not over, or can be redeemed, etc. Once the realization that it's over can't be escaped, then you have to face the fact that you're really going to have to hurt him to let him know the truth. If you don't hate him, this becomes one heck of an act of courage. It sucks, and so sometimes it gets put off while you find the guts.

I know, because this is how my last relationship ended. I still loved him, but really disagreed with a lot of very basic moral and other tenets of his, and didn't want the same things from life at all. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done--we had been talking about marriage, and I knew how much he loved me. So there's your answer. I actually don't think it's any different when the gender roles are reversed...it's more to do with how human beings process loss.

Since we're all throwing massive amounts of unsolicited advice at pseudobrit, here's mine: You said you'd made this girl your entire life--that's never healthy. Don't do that next time. Have your own life, your own friends, your own interests apart from your significant other. Then you'll not only have a support network if things go bad, but you'll be bringing yourself to the relationship as a complete person.

well as much as i can't fully grasp how they can say i love you and not truly mean it, you have shed some light on how that could happen. also i completely agree with your last paragraph, seperate intrests, friends, etc are very healthy for a relationship. in fact if it was 2 people depending on only themselves i doubt any combination of people would survive through that.

pseudobrit

Nov 8, 2003, 10:34 PM

Eh...

now I'm down in the dumps again.

this sucks.

Ugg

Nov 8, 2003, 10:47 PM

A clean break is a good idea. It is so hard to do though. You want to ask her what she thinks about this or that, you miss her fragrance, smile, tic, laugh, etc. But, by seeing her every day and not being able to talk or touch is torment worse than Dante could have imagined.

Don't call her unless she calls you, don't go to the places that she goes to like the grocery store, coffee shops, theatres. Don't place the burden on yourself.

It took guts for her to tell you what she did. 4.5 is a long time and 2 years of trying to make it work is long enough. She needs to be away from you for awhile and you need to be away from her. Take those memories and store them away, they'll be very valuable down the road when the dust has cleared.

The worst thing to have happen is what iJon said, when she calls and wants to talk or even worse tell you about the new guy she's dating. She needs to do this on her own and, if you really care about her, you'll let her do it.

FightTheFuture

Nov 8, 2003, 11:23 PM

Originally posted by pseudobrit
Eh...

now I'm down in the dumps again.

this sucks.

dude, i'm sorry but as everyone else has said, you'll find someone else. and this is a good thing that this happened to you. you can get more work done, find out more about yourself, and devote more time to other people in your life or your family. of course thats whats long term.

the hardest part is how you feel now right? the best advice i can give you is to try to get your mind off of her. do whatever you consider fun. and if you can't do that, heck, do nothing at all. maybe a distraction will keep your mind off of her. sometimes you'll feel that you need to be around other people, or talk to other people. but maybe this is the best time to just be alone. i think the first day is the worst, the first week is awful, and the second week is a struggle. as long as you keep your head clear and a month goes by, you should be able to get out of this funk. hey, buy yourself something new, since you won't be spending it on you and your ex. get a bluetooth mouse and keyboard. $69/each at the apple store.

the only person that'll get your mind off of this is you. and you probably will never forget her. but at least you had an experience for a 6th of your life. as the saying goes:

"don't cry because its over, smile because it happened"

voicegy

Nov 9, 2003, 12:15 AM

Originally posted by pseudobrit
Eh...

now I'm down in the dumps again.

this sucks.

Don't deny yourself these feelings...it's common for us guys to toss out advice on how things will be better, go out with the boys, shoot some pool, find a quick chick to lay, etc., etc. There have been some very beautiful and helpful things said in this post, especially from the female perspective, but Know This: this is a natural process that is very much like experiencing a death. Writing it all out was a good thing, but honor yourself by giving yourself the space to grieve, and grieve you will.

Many of us have been there, and at your tender age it feels 100 times worse....as you get older, this episode won't be as large a part of your life as it is now...but you're gonna feel pain, sorrow, anger, disbelief, and loss of what you feel is the very foundation of your life...but it's not...you have many adventures ahead of you. Please hold on during this time, let yourself really feel this pain without trying to mask it or redirect it just yet...let it take its natural course...it's important for the healing process.

Know This as well...we feel honored and touched that you shared this with us...that took some strength, and, as much as we can (given the nature of cyberspace,) we're here for you; we know how it feels, we all survived it, and, by God, you will too. It is my sincere hope that you have dear friends aside from this board who will listen to you at this time face to face...keyboard to keyboard, you're in our thoughts and we care about ya.

pseudobrit

Nov 9, 2003, 01:41 AM

Originally posted by voicegy
Know This as well...we feel honored and touched that you shared this with us...that took some strength, and, as much as we can (given the nature of cyberspace,) we're here for you; we know how it feels, we all survived it, and, by God, you will too. It is my sincere hope that you have dear friends aside from this board who will listen to you at this time face to face...keyboard to keyboard, you're in our thoughts and we care about ya.

Thanks. My friends were working or out of town today, so I had absolutely nowhere else to turn when I needed it most. I'm feeling better now though. I think it swings up and down every three hours or so. The only thing that concerns me is that while the good swings are getting better, the bad ones are getting worse.

I know she's already seeing someone else. As in she probably went out with him this evening. She's trapezed herself out of our relationship, which means the one she trapezed into will be a mess.

manitoubalck

Nov 9, 2003, 02:11 AM

Originally posted by chrisnturkey
Symapthies, bro.

Been through it too more times than I care to recall. My top 5 list:

1) Get busy: Work. Eat out. Call the boys and hoist the pints. Play sports. Play backgammon. Just don't mope.

2) Treat yourself: Go buy yourself some new clothes, a new cell phone, some new CD's, a wireless eighteen button ergonomic mouse - something you have wanted for a while but was never quite high enough on the priority list.

3) Do a ritual cleaning: leave her the old place; you need new digs. Box and store (if sentimental) or ditch (if not) anything that reminds you of her. Don't hate her - forget her.

4) Foster old relationships and build new ones: now is the time to spend some quality time with the boys. Talk to girls: not neccessarilly to sleep with them, but just to remind yourself that they are out there, some of them are pretty, others nice, and some even both. Finally, forget strippers - you'll just feel lonely afterwards. Go professional: some sweet, sweet lovin' with a girl whose real name you don't know and don"t care about is just the thing.

5) Be patient: Time heals. Certainly, it is through pain that we grow the most. Remember what the great man said, "What does not kill me makes me stronger."

:)

Some of the best advice I've ever heard:)

solvs

Nov 9, 2003, 04:38 AM

Sometimes women (and men, too, I guess) just give up on relationships. There are a lot of reasons, but that doesn't really matter, because it just happens. Rather than try to fix things, or work out the problems, it easier for these people just to give up. Especially if they see someone else they think is more compatible. That's why you see so many divorces, and cheating. They think (most of the time incorrectly) that they can just start over with someone else and things will be so much easier. Most of the time, they are wrong, but you still see them trying.

I know exactly how you feel. I was with Sarah for a couple of years. She made a lot of mistakes (well, we both did, but she really screwed up and at least I was trying). She hurt me a lot. We broke up, got back together again, broke up again. I was still angry and resented her for the way she was treating me, but I tried to forgive her. The fact that I was so forgiving, made her feel like I was weak. She resented me for still loving her, and I almost think she was trying to make me hate her.

We tried being friends. But one day I got sick of it. I told her she could either stay and try to fix things, or leave. But if she left, she would have to leave me alone. All she had to do was try to fix things, that would have been enough. But she left. I avoided her, but that didn't help either. I couldn't be with her, I couldn't be without her. We went awhile without talking, I even moved 2 states up (from CA to WA) to get away from her, but she still e-mailed me. We IM'ed here and there, but she was still pissing me off.

It felt like she was trying to make herself feel better. Things weren't going so well with the new guy (well DUH), and she still loved me, etc. But then she said she would never come back to me because she couldn't ever fix what she did, and could never forgive herself for hurting me, and could never forgive me for forgiving her. Whether it was all blowing smoke up my @$$ or not, it didn't matter. I realized she wasn't coming back, and despite still loving her, I didn't want her back either. She just hurt me too much. I tried to cut off all communication with her.

She still sends me messages, saying she wants to talk and be friends, and I want to, but I can't. She still wants her cake and to eat it too, but that isn't going to happen. I do still love her, but I'm still so angry at what she did. It's been awhile, but it still kills me. I've had this happen before, but I thought she was different. I guess not. I know better this time, and now when I date, I can see the warning flags go up. Just don't be like me. Don't spend the next couple of years wallowing. Don't wait for her to come back, and if she does, be careful. She may think she can do whatever she wants and you'll just be there waiting.

Don't be like her either. Don't throw yourself at the next person you meet, but don't let it get to you as much as I know you want it to. Listen to some music, watch some movies, go out with friends, and meet some new people. You don't have to date any of them, just make some females friends. Get to know them as people. Just don't string them along. When your ready to date, let it happen naturally, don't push or assume she's going to do the same thing. But it is important to move on. To know there are other women out there.

Moral of the story being - you can feel bad for awhile, but you will feel better eventually. I know it hurts, no one is telling you not to feel bad. Just don't dwell. Easier said than done, I know. You will always remember her. The good times and the bad. But it will get better, you will move on, you could meet someone better. The last thing you may want right now is someone else, but thinking about it will make you feel better. You really are better off without her now, even though I know you don't see it yet.

And you can always talk about it. That always makes me feel better. Annoys all my friends when I drone on about her, but since they bug me when they get screwed over, I return the favor. Then we all sit around watching Moulin Rouge, hating all the happy couples, hoping all of our ex's new relationships end badly. That, and Karaoke. But watch the alchohol. Getting drunk and calling her, not a good idea. And be prepared for people telling you how terrible she is. Great, a terrible person rejected me. Thanks. I feel better now. At least they try. :)

Sorry for the speech, but like I said, it makes you feel better.

pseudobrit

Nov 9, 2003, 08:50 AM

Originally posted by solvs
I know exactly how you feel. I was with Sarah for a couple of years. She made a lot of mistakes (well, we both did, but she really screwed up and at least I was trying). She hurt me a lot. We broke up, got back together again, broke up again. I was still angry and resented her for the way she was treating me, but I tried to forgive her. The fact that I was so forgiving, made her feel like I was weak. She resented me for still loving her, and I almost think she was trying to make me hate her.

The same sort of thing happened to me over the past several months. Things even changed in the bedroom. She tried to get me to dislike her and did everything she could to make me dump her, but I just stuck it out no matter how bad she was. Maybe if I had pushed back a little more things would be different...

Sorry for the speech, but like I said, it makes you feel better.

It does, thanks.

solvs

Nov 10, 2003, 07:27 AM

Originally posted by pseudobrit
The same sort of thing happened to me over the past several months. Things even changed in the bedroom. She tried to get me to dislike her and did everything she could to make me dump her, but I just stuck it out no matter how bad she was. Maybe if I had pushed back a little more things would be different...

They would have just gotten worse (if that's possible). I tried to do that too after awhile. Things still went south. Now she claims I didn't try hard enough, but then she says I was too pushy!?!

Point being, you couldn't have won either way, so don't beat yourself up over it.

It does, thanks.

Time will heal wounds. Trust me.

eyelikeart

Nov 10, 2003, 09:41 AM

I just found out that a buddy of mine is about to be released into the world again, after a few years of marriage. While I am not happy to see another divorce take shape, I do know (and so does he) that he's going to be happier with it this way. I've been around them a bunch, and they never really seemed in love with each other. Kinda weird actually.

Things don't always work out how u want them to, just how they need to.

mactastic

Nov 10, 2003, 10:59 AM

The 4 year age diff between you two may not have seemed like much to you, but I know that whole 18-25 time period was a time of a whole lot of changes in who I was. I've seen friends go from speed-metal junkie to Grateful Dead following hippy in an 18 month period at that age. Seen others go from nice kid to nazi punk too, and in even less time. Things change fast, and I think a lot of people, when they hit 20-21 really need to feel free to go out and explore life. I remember that being real important to me at that point. It was definetly a factor in not getting serious with a few people who wanted to during that time. And one good end result is that my wife and I (who were platonic friends during that whole period of debauchery) know all the sordid details of each others pasts. No worries about some secret slipping out, she knows the worst stuff I've done.

As you get older, a 4 year age diff won't matter as much, but really you are expecting a lot of a 16 yo when you ask them to commit to something for life. Just the number of kids who change majors at school gives you an idea of how much a 17 year old knows about what they want with their life.

All that being said, there is still no real good excuse for not being honest with you about how she felt.

My advice is that you need to get to a frame of mind where you are happy being single, you don't feel the need to have a girlfriend, your life is good and headed where you want to to go. That's when you can bring a healed self to a relationship again. Funny thing too, the good relationships in my life have always started when I wasn't out looking for one.

rt_brained

Nov 10, 2003, 04:12 PM

Pseudo...

When you were 19 and she was 16, you were both worlds apart. Chances are, she was mature for her age and you were just the opposite. Like it or not, you were drawn to her because you probably had a tough time dating girls your age, and 16 yr old girls always dig older guys. You had the upper hand in the relationship.

But now she's all grown up (or on her way) and she's leaving you behind. She doesn't see you in the same light any longer. She's in school learning about the world, preparing for a career and you're considering the Army. You never commented on my earlier guess about your own schooling. And since MOST college grads rarely consider the military, it sounds like the two of you have taken widely differing paths in life. You feel stuck and can't stand the fact that she's outgrown you. And that makes you feel even more helpless.

At a time like this, you're only going see her for what you miss, not for all the numerous reasons this relationship was doomed. Chances are, if the two of you got back together again, sure you'd be grateful for a couple weeks, but the relationship would only sink to the same low drone it's been for a long time. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and agonizing over what could have been, because even if you could get her back and eventually get married, the relationship would most certainly have ended in divorce...eventually. Forget that BS about how things would be different. They wouldn't.

Your perfect woman didn't just walk out that door. Your perfect woman is out there somewhere...looking for you. She's 10 times the woman your ex is and she's just as lost and frustrated as you are. You owe it to yourself to be happy. You owe it to yourself to find her.

I did. And I'm glad I stuck around long enough to experience it.

pseudobrit

Nov 10, 2003, 11:06 PM

Thanks

You may have touched on something there. She was mature for her age at 16 due to her dysfunctional upbringing forcing her to fend for herself, but I wasn't immature at all, really.

I always had the bigger brains in the relationship, but she was outpacing me on the education (I did one year of college last year before I ran out of money, while she's graduating next spring) aspects. I'm still smarter than her overall, but she sure knows her history.

I hadn't started considering the Army until after the breakup and after hearing that my brother was re-upping. I was and am actually on a nice little career path in a small business. But the strings are cut and the world is large and the benefits you gain from being shot at for a year are quite great nowadays.

Who knows, in ten years I could have a PhD. I just need a push in the right direction.

iJon

Nov 10, 2003, 11:09 PM

you see, you seem better already. now continue to have fun and you will continue to be better.

iJon

pseudobrit

Nov 10, 2003, 11:19 PM

Today I felt like absolute **** all morning. Then at about 2:30 I called up her best friend at work and asked her how things were going, told her I felt like ****, etc.

Then I asked about this new guy, and they did go out Saturday night. I planned for that day a few weeks ago -- I had bought tickets to a hockey game in NYC and we were supposed to be there all day...

instead she hung out with this new guy. I got to hear what he looked like. Apparenly he's very big -- tall. And she's not interested in a serious relationship. Which means she's just looking for someone to fool around with.

Believe it or not, while this information pissed me off for a little, it soon made me feel better than anything else has. It makes the situation so much more real than it was when I didn't know what was going on.

Apparently, the worse they **** on you at the end, the easier it is to get over it.

I had an old g/f who I felt very strongly about cheat on me once and I was over it as soon as I was able to realise the new guy was real, and it wasn't nearly so gut-wrenching and roller-coastering as this time around was.

Then again, I may just be in an upswing. My mood seems to be swinging around quite a bit, but it's been generally up since I heard the news.

iJon

Nov 10, 2003, 11:31 PM

i know what you mean, although you feel bad sometimes for thinking that those little things make you feel better about your self. my girl didnt leave me for anyone but it does make me feel better that im on a better track then she is and she seems to be going no where real quick. i used to help her get things toghether when she was emotionally down, but it felt pretty good the othe day when she called me and spilled all her problems to me, i said i dont care anymore, i dont want this baggage and we hung up. but sometimes i do find it pathetic that i can get some joy out her pain, i guess that happens naturally when someone dumps you. the best part is that lot of people dont talk to her anymore, she has friends, but lots of them were closer to me and now they dont talk to her, but its high school so its all petty stuff anyways.

iJon

rt_brained

Nov 11, 2003, 05:30 AM

Originally posted by pseudobrit
...the benefits you gain from being shot at for a year are quite great nowadays. Yeah, one of the nice benefits is a free burial if one of those bullets finds you.

You said you quit college for financial reasons, but seriously man, I don't know a single individual who couldn't scrape up enough grant or loan money to cover expenses if they really needed it. It's pretty hard to be denied financial aid.

Truth is, you're probably just fed up with or tired of school, right? You think joining the Army gives you an opportunity to check out for a few years as an excuse to avoid making a decision about a career, because you don't want to commit to anything yet, and school's not doing anything for you. Who wants to put up with all of those BS lower division requirements, right? Too much work.

But that's essentially the cruxt of how and why your girlfriend split. Don't believe anything about her not wanting a relationship right now. She may be cautious right now, but she has no problem jumping into one with this new guy. It may only be a rebound, but absolutely WILL be a relationship. And she's looking forward to seeing where it goes.

Stop calling her friends in the hope of gleaning information about, or maintaining some connection to, your ex. Because the lies you take as gospel are only going to get worse. Her friends are on her side, not yours, and aren't going to lift a finger to try and talk some sense into her on your behalf. Chances are, they were aware of this guy long before you were.

I just don't understand how getting all the facts on her new guy helps you in the least. Cut off contact with anyone and everyone associated with your ex and stop hoping that this is just a phase. The one important thing you've learned about this girl is that if you ever got back together, you'll always have to worry about her taking off again. And who the hell needs that kind of drama?

If you honestly feel that joining the Army is the best opportunity to elicit change in your life, more power to you. But consider the following (Your brother is free to disagree, but I speak from experience myself):

1. If you think you're alone now, just wait till you get to Basic Training. It'll make you a better person in the end, but so will going back to college tomorrow and working on your degree. The latter choice will earn far more respect and make you lots more money.

2. Without a degree, you're entering the military at the lowest rung possible...so if you think the financial benefits of combat as an E-1 or E-2 are good, then I suspect whatever business you claim to be in now isn't going very far toward paying the bills.

3. You think combat might be exciting, but you'd like to be based somewhere near New Orleans. Sounds like you don't really know what you want to do. But suffice it to say, as an enlisted person, you'll have no choice whatsoever. You might be able to request something in 3 years, but if your MOS isn't supported in Ft. Polk (Louisiana), then you can bet you won't be going to Ft. Polk.

4. If you don't like where you are or what you're doing and would rather leave and go back to college, tough sh#t. The gov't. owns your ass until your contract ends. Period. And forget all that "Army of One" BS they spoon feed you in commercials and on the internet. The words "Army" and "individual" are oxymorons.

5. If you're as smart as you say you are shoot for an Intel MOS. "Army" and "Intelligence" are also supposed to be oxymorons, but the duty stations are better, you get better treatment and you get to use your brain enough to make a miserable structured enlisted life semi-manageable.

pseudobrit

Nov 11, 2003, 05:55 AM

Originally posted by rt_brained
Yeah, one of the nice benefits is a free burial if one of those bullets finds you.

Eh, I got over any fear of death when I was about 16 or 17. The spectre of it doesn't worry me in the least. Honestly.

You said you quit college for financial reasons, but seriously man, I don't know a single individual who couldn't scrape up enough grant or loan money to cover expenses if they really needed it. It's pretty hard to be denied financial aid.

Massive debt + girlfriend I poured money into + 3rd shift + school full time + getting laid off and having to job hunt while going deeper in debt = crappy grades.

Truth is, you're probably just fed up with or tired of school, right?

I like school. It was just too much for me to handle while everything else in my life was going on.

You think joining the Army gives you an opportunity to check out for a few years as an excuse to avoid making a decision about a career, because you don't want to commit to anything yet, and school's not doing anything for you. Who wants to put up with all of those BS lower division requirements, right? Too much work.

Actually, what I'm looking for is some discipline and better resources to tackle college, to start fresh and clean up.

But that's essentially the cruxt of how and why your girlfriend split. Don't believe anything about her not wanting a relationship right now. She may be cautious right now, but she has no problem jumping into one with this new guy. It may only be a rebound, but absolutely WILL be a relationship. And she's looking forward to seeing where it goes.

I don't care where it goes, really. She's likely leaving the state for grad school next fall.

Stop calling her friends in the hope of gleaning information about, or maintaining some connection to, your ex. Because the lies you take as gospel are only going to get worse. Her friends are on her side, not yours, and aren't going to lift a finger to try and talk some sense into her on your behalf.

Her friends are somewhat my friends too, and I think they just want the best for both of us. I know they may not tell the whole truth, but so far whenever I've asked direct questions, I've gotten the answer.

Chances are, they were aware of this guy long before you were.

A week or two, yeah, but they knew she was fed up with the relaionship before that. And so did I, on some level. I just kept wishing and hoping that if I gave her a little space that things would go back to normal.

I just don't understand how getting all the facts on her new guy helps you in the least. Cut off contact with anyone and everyone associated with your ex and stop hoping that this is just a phase. The one important thing you've learned about this girl is that if you ever got back together, you'll always have to worry about her taking off again. And who the hell needs that kind of drama?

The knowledge that she's moving on is cutting away a lot of remaining nostalgic pangs I was feeling. Like I said, it makes it real for me; it's easier to let go.

If you honestly feel that joining the Army is the best opportunity to elicit change in your life, more power to you. But consider the following (Your brother is free to disagree, but I speak from experience myself):

I'm not going into this lightly or hastily. It's a decision I've put off for a long time for selfish reasons. If I join, I'll know full well what I'm doing and will not be cheated.

I'm not going in for the express purpose of seeing combat; I may be crazy but I ain't stupid.