How can I talk to a friend after his mothers passing?

[MrMacMan]

Normally I don't post personal stuff, heck few people here know me, But because of what happened yesterday I'm not sure what to do.

My best friends mother passed away from stomach cancer.... I learned today that she had passed yesterday.

Its hard for me to talk to him... He is tough... I don't know... throughout the whole time they knew they held everything in...

I don't know if its cultural... social... or just whatever...

I'm not sure how to talk to him... or even what about...

The service it tonight... and it will be in 100% Korean which even though I don't know I will still be attending.

Which makes me feel like such an outsider... :(

I prayied for his mother to get better... I hoped and wished, I really tried...

Its just so hard for me to talk to him when he gives to feeling, little emotion...

I feel so bad that I can't help him...

I have tried saying he can come over... or I can come over there... I don't know what do to...

[jelloshotsrule]

hey man, i'm in the same boat right now... my best friend's dad is dying from cancer.

the only thing you can really do is let them know you're there for them when you're needed.

my friend's not much of a talker/emoter, so i told him if he DOES feel like talking, or if he wants me to talk to him (ie, when we talk on the phone i usually tell him dumb stories about what's going on with me, etc) to kinda get his mind off things, then i'm here for that.

clearly you can't fill in the hole that will be left in his life, but you can help him realize that the hole doesn't have to define him and drive the rest of his life, though in the near future i think it's safe to say that his life will be drastically drastically different.

good luck...

[MrMacMan]

Yeah, I'm trying to just tell him I'm a frikken half a block away and I can talk, walk or do anything if he wants me to at anytime.

I've put myself out there... I just want to help him out...

[pivo6]

Having been on the other side when my brother past away, it really wasn't what my friends said to me that comforted me, rather it was knowing that they were thinking of me and knowing that I could talk to them when I needed to get something off of my chest.

[Judo]

Just be his friend. Hang out., do what you usually do together, make him laugh just do what ever you did before. If he wants to talk about it he will, don't feel you can't ask him about it though. Just ask him how he is, and if he wants to talk he will.

I'm in the same boat as your friend at the moment.

Isn't life a curious thing!

[eyelikeart]

So far it's been said, but the best thing u can do is just be there. It won't help to offer to talk about what's going on as much as it will to allow him to come to u with it. Mourning is a different process for everyone, but in the end it's the person doing it who needs to decide to come to terms with it.

Just let him know u are there by being the friend u always are. ;)

[alset]

When I lost a very dear friend I couldn't cry for four days (until the funeral). People would try to talk to me about it and I didn't really know what to say. I was really confused and sort of shut down. If he isn't saying much it may be that he hasn't figured out how to deal with what he's feeling enough to express it. Just be around so he has someone to chat with when it blows up and releases.

Dan

[pseudobrit]

Go see him.

If he looks distraught, grab onto him, give him a hug and tell him to just let it out. Having someone to cry on (or with) is a big help.

[eclipse525]

Just keep doing what your doing. Everyone deals with this in their own way and he'll get through it. Perhaps for him just know you got his back is enough. Don't try so hard, as hard as that may be.

If you need some spiritual outlet(NOT religious), spiritual. Browse through the following forum.

http://www.cwg.org/en/phpBB2/


Hope this helps.

~e

[eyelikeart]

Originally posted by pseudobrit
If he looks distraught, grab onto him, give him a hug and tell him to just let it out. Having someone to cry on (or with) is a big help.

It is, but if he's anything like I am, he may need to deal with it when he's ready to. I have a tendency to keep my feelings inside, for too long really.

[wdlove]

It is very sad when someone dies. To loose a mother is a great loss. You should feel that you did a very great kindess by praying for her. It is not for us to know what God has planned for any of us. Going to the funeral is also a very supportive act, I sure that he will appreciate your kindness.

Letting him know of your support and offer your sympathy. As a friend the best thing to do is just to be there for him. Let him talk when he is ready, be patient. Knowing that you will be there and not leave him will be a great comfort. Be aware that it may take time for him to accept your kindness.

[coopdog]

Why talk to him any differently.

[pseudobrit]

Originally posted by eyelikeart
It is, but if he's anything like I am, he may need to deal with it when he's ready to. I have a tendency to keep my feelings inside, for too long really.

Which is why I suggest just grabbing him and surprising him with it. You want to force the emotion out. It's always better to release the emotion.

If someone would have done just what I've suggested to me over this past week (I lost my girlfriend of over 4 years with whom I had always thought I would spend the rest of my life) I would have broken down immediately. And it would have been quite therapeutic.

[pseudobrit]

Originally posted by coopdog
Why talk to him any differently.

For starters, you'd be insensitive.

[tpjunkie]

My friend's mother passed last year, and it was very tough for him, although he put up a strong front. I came down from college to be at the service which was about half in swahili. I know that just showing up, and being for him (and the night of the funeral, drinking with him and his cousins) meant a lot to him.

As for how to talk to your friend, just be there, and I'm sure he'll have something to say, even if it has nothing to do with his mother; people deal with this sort of thing in different ways. I know when my grandfather died last year it was comforting just having people at the house talking, eating, and occupying my mind.

[MrMacMan]

Thanks for the advice guys...

[eyelikeart]

Originally posted by MrMacman
Thanks for the advice guys...

so how's he doing?

[scem0]

I have Korean friends and I know how they don't like to show emotion.

I think sincerety is international though. An honest look and an honest hug will get through to just about anyone. Just be sincere, and let him know that you care about him. Let him know that your a shoulder that he can lean on, or cry on.

If you show emotion towards him, he might not be afraid to show emotion towards you.

A friend of mine's grandfather passed away recently. Its hard to talk to someone and have to worry about saying something which might bring back their pain.

scem0

[MrMacMan]

Originally posted by eyelikeart
so how's he doing?

One could say he is doing fine.

But I'm really struggling to find out if he really is OK.

Originally posted by scem0
I have Korean friends and I know how they don't like to show emotion.

I think sincerety is international though. An honest look and an honest hug will get through to just about anyone. Just be sincere, and let him know that you care about him. Let him know that your a shoulder that he can lean on, or cry on.

If you show emotion towards him, he might not be afraid to show emotion towards you.

A friend of mine's grandfather passed away recently. Its hard to talk to someone and have to worry about saying something which might bring back their pain.

scem0

I have given a hug, tried to show him that I care.

All I can do is hope for the best and make sure he knows that I am still there.

I say I am there for him, I don't want to badger, he knows I am around.

:(

[eyelikeart]

Originally posted by MrMacman
All I can do is hope for the best and make sure he knows that I am still there.

I say I am there for him, I don't want to badger, he knows I am around.


That's it man. U being there during & after this will be what makes the difference to him.

[pseudobrit]

Make sure you call or visit often.

Depression can surge in a few hours, and you want to be there when it does to make sure he's got someone to release it on.

[Awimoway]

I had a very similar experience a few years ago. My best friend was in a somehwat insular Filipino family and his dad died. I didn't see him most of the first week. The first time I saw him again was at the funeral. Then he came back to school the next week. It's hard. But as long as you're there for him, he should understand and appreciate it. If he wants to talk about it more than that, let him initiate it. Otherwise just be there for him.

[cr2sh]

Some thoughts on this would be helpful...

A few weeks ago I called a friend of mine and invited him to a party we're having this sunday. He was really excited and we made big plans, I've been looking forward to it and I know he has too... well, last week his brother killed himself.

I didn't know his brother, and I just found out a few days ago.. but I feel like its been too long to call... I know he has other things on his mind and I don't feel right calling and reminding him about this party... his brother died, the funeral is on wednesday.. i just want to call and tell him how sorry i am and yet, it just seems awefully insensitive... but it may be good for him to get away and be with some friends. i dont know... do i just leave him alone? or if i do call, what do i say?

[Awimoway]

Call him. Tell him he's still invited, if he's up to it. It's not a crime to find out about someone's tragedy a little late. Come to think of it, I found out about my friend's father's death late. I had to ask his cousin, whom I didn't know well at all, how his dad was doing. Turns out he'd been dead for a couple of days. I didn't know because my friend was missing school to be at the hospital with his dad (before he died).

I'm sure your friend has got other things on his mind and won't notice that you're calling him a little bit after the fact.

[MrMacMan]

Thanks for the help guys.

I guess just being there for him is the only think I can do...

So sad...

Damn Cancer.

[Awimoway]

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

[wdlove]

Just being there for your friend is very important. Each situation is different, because grief happens in so many different ways. What he needs is your support.

[Doctor Q]

I've had the misfortune to be attending two funerals for acquaintenances in the last month. The first was the hardest: a high school student who died of heart failure while playing sports. An only child and a stellar student. A terrible shame and tragedy for his parents.

Here's how I handled it, and maybe it's good advice in general:

I said something honest: I told them I can't imagine how hard it must be for them. I don't think anybody would want to hear someone say "I know JUST what you are feeling".

I took my cue from them, judging by their responses if they wanted a hug, a handshake, a few words, a longer conversation, or just somebody to listen to them. His mom wanted a hug and a few words exchanged, so that's what she got. His dad wanted to talk about his experience, so I listened. It seemed that they both were proud to talk about their son's many accomplishments, so I asked about one of them.

I didn't avoid them after the day of the funeral. Before, during, and immediately after a funeral, there are people all around for the family members, but it gets very very quiet the next day and in the days afterward. For many people, this can be very hard to take, especially if friends who don't know what to say are keeping their distance. I made a point of stopping by a week later. I wasn't really looking forward to it, but they both seemed to appreciate having me asking how things are going and listening for a few minutes.

[IndyGopher]

Having lost both of my parents, one after a long illness, and one unexpectedly, and speaking only for myself... I got tired of people being "sensitive" in about half an hour. Let the person know you are available to talk, and then give him time and space. If you're speaking about a child (I don't recall if you said anything about the person's age) then I can see being a little more concerned with keeping constant contact.. since children, understandably, are not really in tune with what death means. If it's an adult, I would strongly recommend you not treat them much differently than you ever did. Give your condelences, and then wait to see if they make any reaching-out gestures. Personally, I resented all of the people suddenly acting weird around me.

[MrMacMan]

IndyGopher -- Good Point.

He as well as I am 15. (Gosh don't I sound older? ;) )

Thanks for the personal experiences guys.

If he wants someone I am near by I think he got that message.