Jokes or something light.

[Neserk]

This is my favorite forum but it is starting to depress me. I need place to go for something light. So post your favorite jokes here.

PS I've tried the Community discussion but there are too many posters there. It makes me agoraphobic :D

[LethalWolfe]

This is my favorite forum but it is starting to depress me. I need place to go for something light. So post your favorite jokes here.

PS I've tried the Community discussion but there are too many posters there. It makes me agoraphobic :D


Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?



So the Nazi's can march in the shade. :insert rim shot:

I figured the Political forum deserved a political joke. :)


Lethal

[Neserk]

light... light... light... ;)

[zimv20]

Q: what's brown and sticky?



A: a stick

[Neserk]

Q: what's brown and sticky?



A: a stick

:D

[pseudobrit]

Duck walks into a bar, jumps up on the bar and asks the barkeep for grapes
Bartender says We don't have any grapes
Duck walks out
Next day duck walks into the bar, jumps up and asks the barkeep Do you have any grapes
Barkeeps says, no, same as yesterday, no grapes
Next day duck walks into the bar. Do you have any grapes, he says.
No the barkeep says and you ask me for grapes again I'll nail your feet to this ****ing bar, now get out!
Next day the duck walks into the bar, jumps up. Asks the bartender Got any nails?
No, says the barkeep.
Duck asks, Got any grapes?

[IJ Reilly]

Walks into a bar jokes... my favorite genre.

A panda walks into a bar and orders a hamburger. When he's finished the hamburger, he pulls out a revolver, fires it three times into the ceiling and runs out the door. Everybody in the bar is amazed to see this behavior from a panda. Somebody says let's find a dictionary, so we can look it up. So they do.

"P... panda... member of the bear family... native of China... eats shoots and leaves!"

[LethalWolfe]

Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.


Lethal

[skunk]

Did you hear about the two maggots who were talking in dead Ernest?

[amnesiac1984]

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
--

A piece of string walks into a bar. He hops up onto a stool and yells to the bartender, "Hey! Gimme a drink!" The bartender picks up the string and throws it into the street. The string thinks, "I'll show 'im. I'll go back in disguise, he won't know it's me, and at the last minute I'll humiliate him. So the string contorts its body into a whole different shape, and frizzes its hair ala a 'fro. It goes back in, hops onto the stool and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "You're that piece of string I threw out 5 minutes ago." The string*answers, "No. I'm a frayed knot."

[radhak]

I like this thread...

There's a seminar on Ghosts, and the speaker is just beginning.

"So, lets see, how many of you have heard of Ghosts?". All hands go up.

"Good, Good. And how many have heard or seen Ghosts?". Some hands stay up.

"Very Good. And how many have talked to Ghosts?". Very few hands stay up.

"Wow, you all have talked to Ghosts? Interesting, very interesting. Now how many have had sex with Ghosts?" Silence prevails, and all hands drop off, but one.

The speaker is really interested as are all attendees. "Sir, can you please stand up?". A man diffidently stands up and looks around. "Sir, you are the first person I have ever met who has had sex with Ghosts. Can you please explain and describe how that happened?

The man stares at the speaker and speaks hesitantly, "Oh, Ghosts? I thought Goats".

[Lyle]

Walks into a bar jokes... my favorite genre.

A panda walks into a bar and orders a hamburger. When he's finished the hamburger, he pulls out a revolver, fires it three times into the ceiling and runs out the door. Everybody in the bar is amazed to see this behavior from a panda. Somebody says let's find a dictionary, so we can look it up. So they do.

"P... panda... member of the bear family... native of China... eats shoots and leaves!"Oh, stop shilling for Lynne Truss (http://www.eatsshootsandleaves.com/lynne.html)! ;)

[Lyle]

A duck waddles into a bar, hops up on a barstool and orders a beer. The bartender is stunned at this talking duck but pours him a beer. The duck hangs around for about an hour, chatting with the other customers and having a few more drinks. Later, when the duck gets ready to leave, he tells the bartender, "Thanks. I'm working as a bricklayer at the construction site next door, so I should be back in here tomorrow around quitting time." Then he hops down and waddles out.

As soon as the duck's out the door, the bartender grabs the phone and calls a friend who is a circus ringleader. He tells his friend the whole story of the talking duck. "You've got to be over here tomorrow evening if he shows up again!"

Sure enough, the next day around quitting time, in waddles the duck. Like before, he hops up on a barstool and orders a beer. The circus ringleader approaches the duck and says, "You know, I run a circus and we could really use someone with your, umm, unique abilities. What would it take for you to come to work for me? Money is no object, just name your price!"

The duck puts down his drink and ponders this offer for a moment. "Let me get this straight..." he begins. "You run the circus, right?"

"Yes, that's right," replies the ringleader.

"And... it takes place under a big tent, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, that's it."

"And the people sit around on bleachers or chairs or something, under the tent, right?"

"Yes, that's how it works," replies the ringleader, starting to get a little agitated.

"And the floor is just covered with sand and sawdust, right?" asks the duck.

"Yes, you've got the picture. So what do you say?"









"Well, what I don't understand is... what do you need a bricklayer for?"

[mactastic]

Two baby seals walk into a club....

or

Q. How does Snoop Dogg do his laundry?
A. With bleeotch!

Q. How does Hitler tie his shoezies?
A. In little knotzies.

[Lyle]

Q. How does Snoop Dogg do his laundry?
A. With bleeotch!
Q. Why did Snoop Dogg take his umbrella?
A. Fo' drizzle.

[numediaman]

Sorry, no jokes. But here's an MP3.

http://www.pythonline.com/plugs/idle/FCCSong.mp3

[IJ Reilly]

A man hears a knock at his front door. He opens it, but finds nobody there. As he's closing the door, he spots a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws in it the trash. Two years later he hears another knock at the door. Again, nobody can be seen. But there's a snail on the doorstep. And the snail says, "So what was that all about?"

[skunk]

Sorry, no jokes. But here's an MP3.
Thank you. Brilliant, incisive and to the point. Couldn't have put it better myself. :D :D

[zimv20]

a man is at the jewelry counter, picking up something for his wife. next to him is a man with a pumpkin head. the first man tries for several minutes to ignore the pumpkin head man, but eventually he has to ask:

"excuse me, sir, but i couldn't help but notice you have a pumpkin head..."
"and you want to know why?"
"yes, if you don't mind"

the pumpkin head man tells his story:

several years ago, i was in New Orleans for mardi gras and i wandered into an antique shop. it was small and overstocked, hard to navigate the aisles, and when i turned a corner i knocked a small, metal lamp onto the floor. and a genie flew out! a real, no-foolin' genie.

the genie said, "you freed me, and i shall grant you three wishes." i was, of course, skeptical, but told him i wanted to be rich. the genie crossed his arms and said, "very well," and immediately paper money began flying out of the lamp, and gold coins and jewelry began to stack up around me!

for my second wish, i wished for a beautiful and talented wife and wonderful children. the genie crossed his arms and said, "very well," and i was granted knowledge of a wife and kids who were at my house, waiting for me to come home, and i knew i loved them very much.

the genie said, "you have one more wish, choose wisely." i thought about it for a minute, and said, "you know, i'd like a pumpkin head."

[skunk]

a man ... SNIP ... i'd like a pumpkin head."
Hmmm.

[IJ Reilly]

Hmmm.

Do you get it? I don't.

Anyway, what do you get when you throw a bomb into a French kitchen?

Linoleum blown apart.

[skunk]

Do you get it? I don't.

Anyway, what do you get when you throw a bomb into a French kitchen?

Linoleum blown apart.

nm

[zimv20]

Do you get it? I don't.

what's not to get? he wanted a pumpkin head. the long build up is what makes it so funny.

[IJ Reilly]

what's not to get? he wanted a pumpkin head. the long build up is what makes it so funny.

Uh huh, okay.

So a horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says to him, "Say, buddy, why the long face?"

[zimv20]

So a horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says to him, "Say, buddy, why the long face?"
and the horse says, "because i'm a horse"

:-)

[skunk]

and the horse says, "because i'm a horse"

:-)
Nice build-up, Z! :D :confused: :eek: :rolleyes: :cool:

[jelloshotsrule]

what's not to get? he wanted a pumpkin head. the long build up is what makes it so funny.

i got it. quite funny. ;)

[blackfox]

So a man named Jim walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper and orders a drink from the bartender...as he looks around the bar, he notices a gentleman milling around one of the windows...as he keeps watching, the man promptly opens up the window and jumps out...a few minutes later, the elevator opens and the same man walks out...scarcely believing his eyes, Jim approaches the man, and asks him if he had just jumped out of the window, and if so, how did he survive...The man, rather graciously agrees to tell him the story over some drinks. As they continue to drink, the man explains that it is not at all difficult to achieve this seemingly miraculous feat, as there are many air currents between these tall buildings, and all one has to do is spread their arms and they will float gently down on these currents like a feather. Getting good and drunk, Jim is still somewhat skeptical of the explanation, so the man walks over to the window once more, with Jim in tow, opens it and jumps out...as Jim watches, the man spreads his arms and floats gently down towards the ground. When he returns via the elevator, Jim is convinced...as the man returns to his drink, Jim announces that he believes he is ready to try it...the man looks at him, and replies that it does take some practice, and perhaps he is too drunk to do it correctly....Jim, good and drunk is full of righteous indignation says that he is as good a man as any...an argument ensues...finally, over protests, Jim slaps $200 down on the bar...to bet that he can indeed do this feat, drunk or not. Reluctantly, the man agrees and they both walk towards the window...graciously, the man carefully goes over the correct form and timing for Jim, reiteratting the importance of the outstreched arms...Jim, full of confidence, opens the window, spreads his arms and jumps out...He falls like a stone and splats on the sidewalk many storys below. The man closes the window and walks to the bar and picks up the $200. As he walks away, the bartender says "sometimes you're a real as*hole superman."


I apologize for the relatively poor telling of this joke...it has been a long time

[skunk]

I apologize for the relatively poor telling of this joke...it has been a long time
You're only allowed ONE.
:rolleyes:

[blackfox]

You're only allowed ONE.
:rolleyes:
Well, my apologies for wasting it...

[skunk]

Well, my apologies for wasting it...
No, really, it was great!! :D

[wwidgirl]

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day
of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and
a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to
sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate." the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give
me the broom, I'll show you how."

[IJ Reilly]

You're only allowed ONE.

Okay then, this straight line is just for you:

What's the similarity between American beer and making love in a boat?

(I will be terribly disappointed if you don't know the answer.)

[Frohickey]

"Light joke" (http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=1595&id=1)

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and Replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost.. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same
position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's MY fault."

:eek: :p :D

=====

Equal opportunity bashing

=====
Democrat Hitchhiker (http://www.boogieonline.com/revolution/politics/humor/hitchhiker.html)

A boy is hitchhiking on a country road. A car stops for him, and the driver asks, "Are you a Republican or a Democrat?"

"Democrat," says the boy, and the car speeds off.

Another car stops, and the driver asks, "Are you a Republican or a Democrat?"

"Democrat," says the boy, and the car speeds off.

This happens two or three times, and the boy decides he's giving the wrong answer. The next car that stops is a convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. "Are you a Republican or a Democrat?" she asks.

"Republican," says the boy, and she lets him in.

But as they're driving along, the wind from the open top begins to push the blonde's skirt higher and higher up her legs. And the boy finds himself becoming aroused.

Finally he can't control himself any longer. "Stop!" he hollers. "Let me out! I've only been a Republican for ten minutes and already I feel like screwing somebody!"

[skunk]

Okay then, this straight line is just for you:

What's the similarity between American beer and making love in a boat?

(I will be terribly disappointed if you don't know the answer.)
Still working on it! :confused:

[Neserk]

Sex is like pizza: when it is good it is *really* good. When it is bad? It's still pretty good! :D

[Neserk]

Okay then, this straight line is just for you:

What's the similarity between American beer and making love in a boat?

(I will be terribly disappointed if you don't know the answer.)

I know! I know!

[skunk]

Okay then, this straight line is just for you:

What's the similarity between American beer and making love in a boat?

(I will be terribly disappointed if you don't know the answer.)
Is it something to do with closeness to water??? :D

[IJ Reilly]

Is it something to do with closeness to water??? :D

There you go. I heard this one in England about 15 years ago. Figured you must have heard it somewhere along the line yourself, but maybe you keep better company than that.

[TimDaddy]

Joe Frank and Sam Frank were brothers, but total opposites. Joe Frank was a nice guy, held doors for old ladies, wouldn't hurt a fly. Sam Frank was just plain mean. He would knock an old lady down carrying groceries and pull the wings off of a fly.

One day, Joe Frank and Sam Frank were crossing the street when they were both hit by a bus and killed. Joe Frank's soul got up and noticed an elevator. He entered, saw only one button, and pressed it. The elevator took him straight to Heaven. Sam Frank then got up, and saw another elevator. He pressed the button, and quickly descended into Hell.

Joe Frank adjusted quickly to Heaven. He did all he could to help out. He became one of God's favorite workers. He even got to watch the gates while St. Peter was on break.

Sam Frank got to Hell, and was confused. There was no fire or torture, no agonizing screams or crying. Everything was grey. Just people sitting around on rocks. He asked someone if this was really Hell, and if so what's so bad about it? He was told that it was indeed Hell, and it is terrible after a couple of thousand years of boredom. Sam Frank decided he should make Hell a better place. He decided to open a disco. He recruited others to help him build. His disco had a stage, a wet bar, and even sexy little she-devils in cages dancing. The disco was an instant success.

Joe Frank, while loving his life in Heaven, really missed his brother. One day, he asked St. Peter if he could go visit his brother in Hell. St. Peter said "You know we don't usually do this sort of thing, but the Big Guy says he will make an exception for you, since you are a model citizen of Heaven. But, you MUST be back before nine o'clock. I am not to hold the gates open past nine." Joe Frank agreed and was escorted to an elevator which took him to Hell.

Joe Frank was shocked when he arrived at Hell. This wasn't a bad place at all. He went to the disco and found Sam Frank. Sam Frank bought Joe Frank a drink, and they sat for hours talking. Then, Sam Frank found a girl that was interested in Joe and introduced them. Joe and the girl danced for hours. Joe was exhausted. He sat down at the bar for one last drink. He leaned on the bar and fell asleep. When he awoke, it was 9:15! He jumped up and ran out of the bar. He ran as quickly as he could to the elevator. He hit the button and rode it up. He exited the elevator and ran to the gates. There stood St. Peter, frowning. He was tapping his foot and shaking his head, with the gate barely propped open. "I can't beleive you! Where have you been? What took you so long? We all went out on a limb for you, and this is how you repay us? I am going to be in trouble for keeping the gate open for you. Look at you. You're late, you stink of alcohol, you wings are torn, and your harp... Where is your harp?"

"Oh, no!" Joe exclaimed, "I left my harp in Sam Frank's disco!"

[skunk]

There you go. I heard this one in England about 15 years ago. Figured you must have heard it somewhere along the line yourself, but maybe you keep better company than that.
Are you kidding? I was told that one by Prince Charles! :D

[Sayhey]

..."Oh, no!" Joe exclaimed, "I left my harp in Sam Frank's dico!"

OK TimDaddy, but only because you started it! There might be a few people out there old enough to get the following cultural references. :D

Roy Rogers and Dale Evans are at their ranch. Roy has just come home from a trip to town in which he bought himself a brand new pair of fancy cowboy boots. After hours of bragging to Dale about how good he looks in his new boots, he decides to take a ride around his spacious ranch.

As he is riding Trigger in some of the more remote parts of the ranch, he is attacked by a huge, vicious mountain lion. Now Roy didn't bring his six gun along with him on his ride and so he barely escapes with his life. In the struggle with the lion the beast claws and tears at his boots - destroying them in the process.

Angry and hurt from the attack, Roy rides Trigger home to get his gun. After getting his weapon and telling Dale about the attack he sets out again to find the deadly animal. Roy does find the lion again and shoots it down (this is Roy Rogers after all!) Still seething with anger he throws the lion over his saddle and rides back to the ranch house.

Upon seeing Roy ride up, Dale calls out to him, -- "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?"

[IJ Reilly]

Heh-heh. I also seem to recall a joke about Roy & Dale that invokes a reference to a famous surf guitarist, but I don't think it should be told in mixed company.

So, did you hear about the city in Alaska that passed an ordinance banning all pets? Now they call it "Dog-less Fairbanks."

[zimv20]

the king of denmark and his master hunter collect their rifles and go out for a hunt. a man at the edge of the forest sees the two standing in a field. not wanting to get shot, he runs out of the forest, waving his arms and shouting, "don't shoot! don't shoot! i'm not a deer!"

the king levels his rifle and fires -- blam! blam! blam blam blam blam blam!, killing the man.

"what did you do that for?!" yelled the master hunter, "he said he wasn't a deer!"

"oohhhhhh," the king replied, "i thought he said he WAS a deer!"

[skunk]

"oohhhhhh," the king replied, "i thought he said he WAS a deer!"
Deer God! :D

[Sayhey]

Heh-heh. I also seem to recall a joke about Roy & Dale that invokes a reference to a famous surf guitarist, but I don't think it should be told in mixed company.

So, did you hear about the city in Alaska that passed an ordinance banning all pets? Now they call it "Dog-less Fairbanks."

I think we need to figure out how to have sound effects in this thread. We need a few drum rolls and rim shots for these jokes.

OK, because this is a humor thread in a political section the following is a joke told to me in Cuba in the mid-seventies. It is a bit of dark humor from folks who supported their government - at the time anyway.

One often wonders about the differences in Capitalist Hell and Socialist Hell and why it is that Socialist Hell is so much better.

In Capitalist Hell, the people party all the time. They have wonderful music, lots of good liquor, and in general it is a great place to be. However, every seven days they make all the souls lay down on the road and throw asphalt on them, and pave over them.

In Socialist Hell, it is an incredibly boring place. There is nothing to do. All one can do is sit around and wait. Every seven days they too make the souls lay down in the the road to be paved over with asphalt.

So why might you ask is Socialist Hell so much better? Well, in Socialist Hell, the trucks with the asphalt often don't show up, some times they forget the shovels ....

[IJ Reilly]

Bada-BOOMP! (How's that?)

Speaking of deer hunting... A man decides to go hunting on the off season. After a couple of hours, he bags his deer, throws it over his shoulder, props his rifle on the other and starts back through the woods towards his truck. In a clearing he come face to face with a state game warden.

"Okay buddy, what have you got on your shoulder?" the warden asks.

Thinking quickly, the hunter replies, "Why, that's my gun, officer!"

"No, wise guy, the other shoulder!"

The hunter looks over at his other shoulder, and shouts, "Get OFF!"

[Thomas Veil]

I think we need to figure out how to have sound effects in this thread. We need a few drum rolls and rim shots for these jokes.

A ham and cheese sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, We don't serve food here."

Rim shot (http://users.adelphia.net/~tjveil/sounds/Rimshot.mov)

[kuyu]

A bus full of politicians is on the interstate heading towards the national convention when they happen upon some road construction. The driver stops watching the road to look at all the construction, and doesn't see the car in front of him screech to a halt. When he does notice the stopped traffic, he abruptly swerves and crashes into a big hole the workers had dug.

When the police arrive fifteen minutes later, a bulldozer operator is placing the last load of dirt on top of the hole. The police grab him for questioning.

"Why did you fiill the hole in?" asks the cop.
"We needed to fill it in anyhow." answers the worker.
"Were any of them still alive?" asks the cop.



"Well, a few of em said they were, but you know how politicians lie"

[IJ Reilly]

A group of engineers are headed to a conference on a train, three from Apple and three from Microsoft. As they're standing on line for tickets, the Microsoft engineers notice that the Apple engineers only buy one ticket between them. Before they get on the train, the Microsoft engineers stop the Apple engineers and ask them how they're planning on riding the train with just one ticket.

"Watch and learn," replies one of the Apple engineers, with a smile.

As soon as the train pulls out of the station, the three Apple engineers get up from their seats, squeeze into a restroom and shut the door. When the conductor comes through the car a few moments later, knocks on the restroom door and shouts, "Ticket please," the door opens a crack, and the one ticket is slipped out.

The Microsoft engineers think this is a pretty cool trick. They decide to try it on the way back, so they buy just one fare. But then they notice that the Apple engineers don't buy any tickets at all! How do they expect to ride the train without paying any fare, the Microsoft engineers demand to know.

"Watch and learn," replies one of the Apple engineers, with a smile.

When the train leaves the station, the Microsoft engineers make a bee-line for the restroom. As soon as the restroom door shuts, one of the Apple engineers gets out of his seat, knocks on the restroom door, and shouts, "Ticket please!"

[miloblithe]

Where did Hitler keep his armies?


Up his sleevies.

[Neserk]

It took me a few times but I finally got it.


Need more jokes, stories, poems, etc. :D

[miloblithe]

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

Cute, but can it pick up peanuts?

[miloblithe]

Here's a joke I heard in Russia. Black humor in Russia is _really_ black, apparently:

A man gets a telephone from the hospital that his wife has been in a terrible car crash. He rushes to the hospital, and when he arrives, the doctor tells him that she (doctors are usually women) has some good news and some bad news. Which would he like to hear first?

He chooses the bad news, and she tells him that his wife is in very bad shape. She's suffered brain damage and is paralyzed from the neck down. "She'll need constant, 24-hour, around the clock care for the rest of her life, and she's a vegetable." "And the good news?" the man asks.





She replies, "Oh, I was just kidding, she's dead."

[miloblithe]

Why don't canibals eat clowns?


because they taste funny.

[miloblithe]

Two cows are standing in a pasture. One cow asks, "say, are you worried abotu that mad cow disease?" The other cow responds, "why should I be worried about mad cow disease? I'm a helicopter!"

[miloblithe]

What has nine arms and sucks?






Def Leppard!

[IJ Reilly]

Two cows are standing in a pasture. One cow asks, "say, are you worried abotu that mad cow disease?" The other cow responds, "why should I be worried about mad cow disease? I'm a helicopter!"

I am definitely going to steal this one.

A grandmother takes her five year old grandson to the beach. She's sitting in her beach chair watching the boy play by the water's edge, when suddenly out of nowhere, a gigantic wave breaks over the boy -- and he's gone! The grandmother leaps from her chair, spreads her arms and speaks heavenwards, "Lord, please spare the life my innocent little grandson!"

Just then, another great wave breaks onto the beach, and the boy is deposited right where he'd stood -- soaking wet, but safe and sound.

Still looking towards the sky and arms outstretched, the grandmother says,

"He had a hat!"

[TimDaddy]

What has nine arms and sucks?






Def Leppard!
That's good. I work with two Def Leppard fans. I love it.

[blackfox]

Here are a couple amusing Video links featuring our current President...enjoy
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/multimedia/bushblair_endlesslove.mov

http://politicalhumor.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.comedycentral.com%2Fmp%2Fplay.php%3Freposid%3D%2Fmultimedia%2Ftds% 2Fstewart%2Fjon_7131.html

[wwworry]

this link will only work for a few days

BUSHIDO:THE WAY OF THE ARMCHAIR WARRIOR (http://www.newyorker.com/shouts/content/)

Knowledge is not important. The armchair warrior strives to attain a state beyond knowledge, a state of deep, non-knowing connection to the universe: in particular, to that portion of the universe which is rich, powerful, or related to him by blood.

The unenlightened speak of “failures of intelligence.” But the armchair warrior knows that “intelligence”—the effort of the mind to observe facts, apply reason, and reach conclusions about what is true and what ought to be done—is a delusion, making the mind turn in circles like an ass hitched to a mill. The armchair warrior feels in his hara, or gut, what ought to be done. He is like a warhorse that races into battle, pulling behind him the chariot of logic and evidence. When the people see the magnificent heedlessness of his charge, they cannot help but be carried along.

The warrior spirit resides in the hara. It is this spirit, and not any deed, that is the mark of the true warrior. Thus, a man who has avoided military service may be a greater and braver warrior than a man who has served his country in battle, sustained grave wounds, performed “heroic” deeds, and been honored with clanking, showy medals pinned to his garment.

Because human beings are prone to illusion, the sounds and sights of battle—the groans of the wounded, the maimed bodies of one’s comrades—may remain in the mind for many years, like a cloud that confuses judgment. Hence, a man who has fought on the battlefield and has later risen to high office may be fearful of leading his people to war. Such weakness does not afflict the armchair warrior, who at all times is firm in his resolve.

The armchair warrior does not fear death, especially not the death of other people.

... (continued)

[IJ Reilly]

BUSHIDO:THE WAY OF THE ARMCHAIR WARRIOR

Not a "joke or something light," but very good nonetheless.

[Neserk]

Highlight to read. The font is white :D

The pig fell in the mud.

[Abstract]

what's not to get? he wanted a pumpkin head. the long build up is what makes it so funny.

Oh...I get it.

(I think) :p

I only have one joke that comes to mind right now, but its about Christopher Reeve and its mean. :(

[numediaman]

A letter from Patriot Boy:

Request for secret information:

Dear Under Secretary Feith,

I am a general in the unorganized militia and not in your chain of command. That said, I trust that our shared vision of what constitutes an ideal America binds us in a way that is stronger than any command structure. We, sir, are freedom's warriors, and as such, we must strive to assist each other in our individual endeavors.

I need such assistance now. As you surely know, Klinton's Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy has resulted in the infiltration of many homosexuals into our armed forces. There is nothing we can do about it as long as they avoid alerting us to their orientation.

I have a plan to smoke a few of them out. All I need is the code to access a pornographic website called UncutGladiatorParty.com. It will allow me to look at the site's pictures to see if any of the participants look like soldiers. If they do, I'll send the pictures to CID.

It's my understanding that you have access to broken secret codes and that you sometimes share that knowledge with your drinking buddies. Could you get me the secret code to UncutGladiatorParty.com?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot
truebeliever(at)softhome.net

Yes, its satire. The site, in general, has its moments. Here it is: Patriot Boy (http://patriotboy.blogspot.com/2004_06_01_patriotboy_archive.html#108632564975128528)

[Desertrat]

To be repeated only by those on Medicare:

Q: What's forty feet long and smells like urine?

A: A line dance at a nursing home.

:), 'Rat

[Neserk]

Dad's in the hospital, need some more distractions, please.

[skunk]

Dad's in the hospital, need some more distractions, please.
Carrying on with the Goethe bit, a joke for erudite Irish builders:

"What's the difference between Goethe and Joyce?"

"A Goethe's usually made of steel, a Joyce is usually timber"

[Neserk]

Carrying on with the Goethe bit, a joke for erudite Irish builders:

"What's the difference between Goethe and Joyce?"

"A Goethe's usually made of steel, a Joyce is usually timber"

LOL I actually get it... *pats self on back*

[Voltron]

Everyone will have to stop calling Islamic Terrorist towel heads, they don't like this name too much. Those rags on their heads aren't actually towels but small sheets.

[professor]

i would love to tell one, but it has a slight sexual touch. this isn't okay here, in an american forum, or is it?

[Neserk]

i would love to tell one, but it has a slight sexual touch. this isn't okay here, in an american forum, or is it?


go for it. My favorite, well, not really a joke, but a saying:

Sex is like Pizza. When it is good it is REALLY good and when it is bad? It is still pretty good :D

[professor]

oh, well, reading this, I think I shouldn't...

[Neserk]

darn it... I was waiting...