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Make your very own straight-to-DVD Steven Seagal movie

C

CortexRock

macrumors 6502
Original poster
Dec 3, 2006
413
0
Canterbury, England
Make your very own Steven Seagal straight-to-DVD-movie by combining random selections from the sections below (or rolling a six-sided die):

Steven Seagal plays a:

1. cop/detective
2. streetwise hero
3. bounty hunter/mercenary
4. fisherman/cook
5. government agent
6. ex-special forces soldier

who assisted by:

1. a beautiful but deadly female assassin
2. a beautiful but sassy female nurse
3. a beautiful but dangerous female spy
4. a beautiful but cocky female journalist
5. a beautiful but bisexual set of female twins
6. a token black guy who will be killed pointlessly 20 minutes in to add gravitas to the movie

must:

1. rescue
2. kill
3. find
4. stop
5. destroy
6. avenge

his:

1. brother
2. best friend or old police/army buddy
3. best friend's child
4. wife
5. boss
6. neighbour

who has been:

1. raped
2. murdered
3. blackmailed
4. addicted to drugs
5. sold into slavery
6. kidnapped

by:

1. a drug-dealer
2. a seemingly respectable but corrupt businessman
3. an ex-military mastermind
4. a crooked cop
5. a gangster
6. a religious figure

who aims to:

1. steal millions of dollars
2. kill lots of people
3. destroy the environment
4. sell military secrets
5. bring down the government
6. spread a deadly virus

It really is that easy! :D
 
Iscariot

Iscariot

macrumors 68030
Aug 16, 2007
2,627
3
Toronteazy
Steven Seagal plays a government agent, who, assisted by a beautiful but cocky female journalist must kill his brother who has been sold into slavery by a religious figure who aims to destroy the environment.
 
it5five

it5five

macrumors 65816
May 31, 2006
1,219
1
New York
Steven Seagal plays a streetwise hero who assisted by a beautiful but cocky female journalist must avenge his brother who has been blackmailed by a a seemingly respectable but corrupt businessman who aims to bring down the government.
 
GradientMac

GradientMac

macrumors regular
Dec 5, 2007
206
0
Canada
Steven Seagal plays a government agent who assisted by a beautiful but deadly female assassin must kill his wife who has been raped by a drug-dealer who aims to destroy the environment.

Mine doesn't make sense- I did it at random. He must kill his wife because she was raped? :pPPPPPPP
 
Melrose

Melrose

Suspended
Dec 12, 2007
7,806
399
I think we could do the same thing with country songs...

Steven Seagal plays a fisherman/cook who, assisted by a beautiful but bisexual set of female twins, must avenge his neighbour who has been sold into slavery by a religious figure who aims to destroy the environment.

I am now working on the screenplay and will make a million dollars.

Wait, do Seagal movies actually make money? :D
 
Les Kern

Les Kern

macrumors 68040
Apr 26, 2002
3,063
76
Alabama
melrose said:
I think we could do the same thing with country songs...
Wait, do Seagal movies actually make money? :D
Click to expand...

Sadly, yes.

"Steven Seagal, playing a down and out banjo player, assisted by a ex-country superstar, must search for his son who was kidnapped by a disgruntled Grand Ol Opry stagehand.
 
Melrose

Melrose

Suspended
Dec 12, 2007
7,806
399
I was thinking something more along the lines of..

Steven Seagal, playing a talented yet underappreciated guitar virtuoso, must drive his rusted-out Chevy pickup truck down a country road in Tennessee with a six-pack of Bud in search of his long-lost father while the angels sing a whiskey lullaby.

But I like yours better...
 
T

Trip.Tucker

Guest
Mar 13, 2008
946
1
melrose said:
I was thinking something more along the lines of..

Steven Seagal, playing a talented yet underappreciated guitar virtuoso, must drive his rusted-out Chevy pickup truck down a country road in Tennessee with a six-pack of Bud in search of his long-lost father while the angels sing a whiskey lullaby.

But I like yours better...
Click to expand...

Hello...another Kentuckian! :D
 
donga

donga

macrumors 6502a
May 16, 2005
841
1
AZ
Steven Seagal plays Steven Seagal who is assisted by Steven Seagal who must kill his doppleganger Steven Seagal who has been duplicated with Seagal's DNA by 90s Hollywood action directors who aim to infiltrate the world with B-level action movies.


side note: movies here get seen all over the world. i remember seeing the seagal/dmx movie in madagascar in french. so sad that people think even the bad movies are representative of america
 
T

Trip.Tucker

Guest
Mar 13, 2008
946
1
donga said:
Steven Seagal plays Steven Seagal who is assisted by Steven Seagal who must kill his doppleganger Steven Seagal who has been duplicated with Seagal's DNA by 90s Hollywood action directors who aim to infiltrate the world with B-level action movies.


side note: movies here get seen all over the world. i remember seeing the seagal/dmx movie in madagascar in french. so sad that people think even the bad movies are representative of america
Click to expand...

Steven Seagal may be B grade, but he's genuine B grade! I have all his movies.
 
bigandy

bigandy

macrumors G3
Apr 30, 2004
8,852
7
Murka
Steven Seagal plays an ex-special forces soldier, who assisted by a beautiful but bisexual set of female twins must find his wife who has been sold into slavery by a religious figure who aims to destroy the environment.

Conveyed with all his emotional range, obviously:

segal.preview.jpg
 
Sun Baked

Sun Baked

macrumors G5
May 19, 2002
14,937
157
I can see him making a making a movie about a down and out martial arts actor who tries to restart his career doing gay prison films (or porn), who eventually dies at the end of the film after getting beat up by a 97 year old lady using a walker.
 
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