Hahahaha. True true. But you have to give credit to those doctors, having to deal with tons of other problems!
But it looks like you're the man I should be talking to now. Alcohol swabs (or in my case, alcohol soaked cotton balls) to the oleophobic screen: Yes or no???
And does the type of alcohol used have any affect on the coating (Isopropyl vs ethyl, 70 vs 91%, etc)
Another microbiologist here, not 30 years experience, but about 7 under my belt. I have used 95% ethyl alcohol on my phone and have seen no damage to the 3GS screen. Still keeps the smears away just fine.