What would you guys do with this life decision? Life or love?

So in short, I've massively f*ukced up my life. Dropped out of high school during my junior year partially due to lack of interest, care, and slowly digging myself into a deeper pit. Right afterward though I got my GED, which because I got it in New Mexico is the equivalent of a NM high school diploma, and passed with honors. Took two semesters of college the following spring and fall - barely got any credits. I wanted to go back this semester, but because I failed previous classes I would have to pay for 48 credit hours myself before receiving financial aid, which I can't afford. At the moment I work at The County Line (a barbecue restaurant) as a cook and Hot Topic as a sales associate, though the latter might end up just being seasonal so it would end sometime in January.

I'm 20 and have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. I have no support from my mom and she pushed me away so much I'm living with my grandpa, which I prefer way more. My best friend, Sonya, is 19 and also a drop out, but she's at least going to school and gets to work 22-27 hours a week and will soon get paid more than me and has a plan. My other closest friend, Micah, found the love of his life here (ironically met her while working at the same Hot Topic 11 months ago), moved to New York for her, has a high paying job as a realtor with the same GED I got (seems like everyone in this state drops out, doesn't it?), has a nice home, and got married in October - and he just turned 18 this most recent August. My girlfriend that I've been dating for almost 9 months, Lauren, is only 16 - straight A student, couple AP classes a year, job, responsible, etc.

Basically, it sucks seeing everyone around me accelerate their lives and have a future while I'm sitting here with myself as the only person to blame. When I was in New York for his wedding, Micah said I could move there any time I needed and that he could set me up with a job there most likely working for him or his boss. I started to think about this a lot more and my lack of options more recently. Based on how well he's doing and how good the company is, etc, I trust in him. I could even try for a Hot Topic there or an Apple Store (5th ave. preferably) in the mean time if needed. I just don't know if I could leave my girlfriend like that for a year until she could move out there as well. Of course we haven't been dating for years and years, but she's the first one I'd do anything not to lose and the only thing motivating me to have a future. I know she's only 16, but we were friends for a really long time before we started dating and I don't think our relationship is on the verge of changing any time soon. She fully supports me on moving if I have to financially and in terms of having a place to live for us in the future, she's, however, obviously very upset over it.

I've never been in a long distance relationship and at least this one wouldn't be forever. Maybe I'll be fine without her for a year. Maybe I'm over thinking it and she'll be fine. I just thought I'd get the opinion of others or talk to people that have been in similar situations.

Edit/ Other than the girlfriend thing, I want to make sure this is the right decision. I'm basically going to be uprooting my life with Micah being the only person I know. So I guess this would also pertain to people in that situation and that have moved across the country. /edit

Thanks for your input! ="^.^"=

Edit2/ PS: Thanks, but don't suggest any military based programs. /Edit

Orange Crane said:

There is absolutely nothing serious about being 20 with a 16 y/o gf. Choose what makes your life improve (location, income).

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Ultimately, I want to do what's best for both of us. I'm not going to break up with her if I leave. Other than the girlfriend thing, I want to make sure if this is the right decision. Refer to my next edit in the original post please.

maflynn said:

First thing I can say is don't measure your self worth against others. It doesn't matter what other make in terms of money or success.

You need to find what you like to do and start working towards that goal, whether that means school, or some sort of training program. I tell my daughters who are wicked young, it doesn't matter what you do as long as you love it.

Since you're 20 and have a GED, I'd recommend perhaps looking to the service, that will give you a skill and provide you with some income.

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I really like working with computers. But I don't want to have to work for a year just to pay for a couple of semesters of school. I don't know of places that could take an application of mine seriously, at least places that I could realistically live off or make a savings out of.

Thanks, but no military service is for me. I don't do well with authority, I'd rather not cut my hair, ect. And that'd be even longer and more frequent times away from home. I don't want to be the one to say this, but I'd probably be one of the people to kill himself during boot camp. I went to Philomont Scout Ranch twice and hated it while everyone loved it. Err, not hated, just prefer a lot of things over it. I'm an indoors person.

Sideonecincy said:

My best suggestion is to not compare yourself with your friends. Your best friend seems like a very rare instance to be 18, be a successful relator, married and own a house.


If you have basic computer knowledge and are interested in doing IT work, then start studying for some low level certifications and try to get a job doing desktop or helpdesk...then slowly build you way up.

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He is definitely very lucky. The girl he met is a 23 year old model and pretty much saved him. He rents a junior one bedroom studio, which for the upper east side of Central Park at 18 and 23 is really good! He just finished taking classes for his realtor license.

I suck at getting things started. Hopefully if I did go I'd be able to take care of myself.

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heehee said:

If you can't support yourself, how are you going to support the one you love?

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You're absolutely right. That's why I've been put with this decision. It's probably best for both of us if I just start working for us to have a wealthy and consistant future as soon as I can.

I'd definitely want to take my AirPort with me and wouldn't want to lose my computer or iPhone if I went to New York, but I guess I wouldn't need to. At the moment it seems like the best long term idea and the one making the most money. I'd just be without my girlfriend for a year more or less, who full supports me in the first place. I'm sorry if the following statements don't make sense, there was a lot to reply to and it's late-ish. D:

EDIT: Holy sht*, I don't know how you guys read through my whole post. I got annoyed with it just looking at it.

dukebound85 said:

Why are you dating a 16 year old? at 20? 4 years is a pretty big gap at that age and in most places, better be careful you don't statuatory rape her

That said....life. choose your life at this juncture. No question. She doesn't know what she wants at 16 and the best thing you can do for yourself is give yourself a good foundation for the rest of your life which will make it that much easier when you find the one

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I didn't mention our sex life or whether or not we have one. In either case and concerning me not getting arrested, she's almost 17. Her parents aren't sketched out by it at all and tend to like me more than I'd expect. Also on birth control, though I mostly forget how she convinced her mom into that one, haha.

leekohler said:

Move. Opportunities like that only come once.

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True. I hope I'm not living in some fantasy world, but Micah turned his life around really fast when he moved there.

waloshin said:

I agree move on, but it doesn't seem like you are mature enough (can't deal with authority) to see that. She is way too young (she is still in high school!).

Get a better job and educate yourself!

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She wants to move there after I do anyway, so I'd just be without her for a year. Before this idea and offer we did want to move to New York eventually in the first place. Maybe I'd be able to afford school after a while of living there or can at least take something online.

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mizzouxc said:

1. Go to Junior College. CNM is $579 a semester + books, full time. Less if you go half time.

In comparison, before complaining about "how hard life is", you might think about removing the $426.93, including 7% NM tax iphone 5 64 GB from your profile. The monthly plan on this is around $100, so in ~1 month of cellular service and the phone, you could pay for an entire semester of college. Generally speaking you can get 2 out of 4 years of your bachelor's done at a Junior college.

2. Worrying about your friends, how much they make, how many hours they get to work will get you no where. Think about yourself and how you might succeed. You went to college, flunked out. Nobody to blame but yourself. Buckle down and don't expect anyone to get good grades for you.

The reason you're not getting scholarship money is that people don't like to help people who don't first help themselves.

Your life is based upon the good and bad decisions you make.

Sorry for the tough love, but it sounds like you severely lack determination. Nothing will change by moving to a different state, girlfriend situation or the likes. I know you said you don't want to join the military, but dodging a few bullets will show you how to grow up real fast.

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I never complained about how hard my life is, I just made poor decisions and made it harder on me. My mom pays for a good portion of my phone service while I pay $50 of it and $80 of my car insurance. Most of the rest of my money goes to gas. I'm well aware why they aren't going to give me scholarship money, I was just stating it's not likely for me to be able afford. Before this idea I was planning on saving for an apartment with my friend Sonya and if I was still dating Lauren after she graduated in two years, then sure, she'd move in as sell. Maybe if I don't go to NY I should hold off for that until after I can go back to school, I just want to feel like I'm fending for myself and not have to live with my grandpa and great grandma. >.<

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ChrisMan287 said:

You've gotta grow up and forget the past. Do what's best for you and really think about your future. Don't get stuck in the present and potentially screw up, again.

If you're on the fence about moving, sell your Mac stuff and start going back to school.

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I really don't think I'd get much for it or would want to. I gave my MacBook to my girlfriend after a logic board issue I was having, causing it to not fulfill my video needs, though she has faced this problem significantly less. I wanted to sell it for a while, but it was given to me by my uncle's partner after he died, so I didn't really want to just get rid of it. I just recently bought this Mac mini from one of my friends for $300 and I'm still paying her back for it. It's worth a little more than that, but maybe less now since when I upgraded the ram myself I guess I accidentally broke the optical drive sometime after that. That's my only computer, is 6 years old, and there's a lot of things I need to buy before I would be able to afford the MacBook Air I would want. However, above in this post I mentioned maybe going back to school instead.

Jessica Lares said:

Choose life. If you continue with the relationship, it's only going to hurt both of you in the long run. You both will meet new people and move on. A lot of things can happen in a year, and you don't want to have to worry about someone else's life in another state. It just stresses you out, and it'll stress her out. You both don't need that.

As for what to do when you get to New York. Look at a community college and get a certificate in something while you're working in retail/etc. Some higher education is better than having none and it will take you far.

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It wouldn't hurt to at least try both - she wants to live in New York anyway. That's also an idea, all the more reason I'll be saving up until the middle of the summer so I can have money to go to school when I get there.

stonyc said:

Don't know if this has been mentioned... but cost of living in NYC? Waaaaaaay higher than where you are now. You're going to have to bum living space off of someone, unless you have enough money saved up now. So factor that in. Then, what happens if the job doesn't work out? I don't know about you, but I would find it hard to take orders from a friend seriously. And you've stated that you have authority issues...

If I were in your situation, and I didn't have the money already saved up to be somewhat self-sufficient in NYC on my own...

1) Sell some of your stuff to pay for community college.
2) Stay in community college until you get your associates degree, or as someone else mentioned, a couple of certifications.
3a) Apply to traditional universities where you are and wherever else you might like to go, NYC included.
3b) Apply for jobs where you are and wherever else you might like to go, NYC included.

This way, you have all of your bases covered:
- real estate in NY isn't going anywhere
- your friend will still be your friend in 1-2 years, he could still very well "hook you up"
- you'll have your associates degree and/or some certificiates, which gives you the flexibility of both more school, or a job
- you'll get to stay with your girlfriend until she's done with highschool, at which point you can apply to schools and jobs together

Win-win for you, for you and your gf, and your future. Just don't F it up again.

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I definitely know how expensive it is to live there. If I were to I wouldn't unless I was guaranteed to start the job after being there for a few days. I was going to stay with Micah until I found a place for me, which with him working as a realtor shouldn't be too hard since he'll know of locations. All of this is in the air at the moment, either way I'd be saving up for a while and probably wouldn't move until July if I were to.

Huntn said:

Tough decision. I can't tell you what to do. Love is just as, if not more powerful than financial, but if money is always an issue, eventually it will strain love. I'll also point out that young adults change tremendously between 16-25 so their are no guarantees, most romantic relations in this age range do not last, but you probably all ready know this.

I think this is related, but if it is considered derailing the thread, please ignore...

I have an impression and maybe the younger participants in this forum can set me straight. When I was in high school 1968-71, I was living a middle class life thanks to my parents. I realized on my own that if I did not do something, my life style would tank. Consequently I was motivated.

When I had my son, it seemed to me that him and many of his high school friends, who were experiencing a pretty cushy middle class existence, seemed to think that they were entitled and that either their life style would somehow magically continue or they professed they did not care, or they were not really thinking about it. As if live for today, who cares about tomorrow... (On the other end of the spectrum was the Japanese student rat race where children were killing themselves.)

In the 1990s, part time jobs were so plentiful, it was not unheard of if there was a good party, just blow off your part time job, and get fired, because it was easy to get another part time job. It seemed that where we lived in Minnesota, Minneapolis-St.Paul suburbs, Hispanics (newly arrived) became the preferred fast food workers because they had a work ethic, and were motivated to survive.

I know that jobs now are a valuable commodity. Where are the high schoolers and twenty somethings to day on their outlook? Is it party for today and who cares about tomorrow, or is there more awareness about the challenges of the future, exerting one's self to live a decent life?

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I don't intend on just throwing away my jobs. If Hot Topic keeps me I'll try to get a transfer in case the other job doesn't follow through. If things are going really well for me I might just end up staying here. I hate living in Albuquerque, but it's up to me to do well enough to get myself out.

BigPrince said:

Get concrete details about the job opportunity. If its good and can afford the increase in cost of living, say good by to NM and ditch the girl friend. If your both single a year from now, she can always come out to you.

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I see no reason why I couldn't try to at least do the long distance thing for 10-12 months

BigPrince said:

I think it's a burden. NYC is full of fantastic people you are going to meet. Don't let something back home hold you back.

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Unless I think she's more than fantastic enough for me. If it doesn't work, then sure. I'll want to get my life together first though. Having time away from her may help me focus on myself and being successful enough to make both of us happy in the future. While doing so I would be able to talk to her and look forward to seeing her in the future so I could still retain the relationship.