Corny Jokes and One Liners

renewed · Jul 14, 2011, 11:03 PM

Read a few in a different forum and thought why not?

"What'd the lamp say to the man?

Nothing. A lamp is an inanimate object."

"Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked."

Ok let's see what you've got.

Fuzzypenguin · Jul 14, 2011, 11:39 PM

What kind of shoes are made from bananas skins? Slippers.
What kind of rooms have no walls? Mushrooms.
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
What happened to the boy who drank 8 cokes? He burped 7-Up.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one.

flipster · Jul 14, 2011, 11:49 PM

Are you a parking ticket? Because you have fine written all over you

ziggyiggy · Jul 15, 2011, 12:08 AM

Have you heard of the new restaurant on the moon? The food is amazing, but I've heard its got no atmosphere...

r1ch4rd · Jul 15, 2011, 01:43 AM

Q: What is red and smells like blue paint?
A: Red paint.

Q: What do a mole and an eagle have in common?
A: They both live underground, apart from the eagle.

Firestar · 08:29 AM

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

iJohnHenry · Jul 15, 2011, 06:48 AM

Now take my wife.

Please.

(R.I.P. Rodney)

dalvin200 · Jul 15, 2011, 06:54 AM

A man walked into a bar.

Ouch.

rdowns · Jul 15, 2011, 07:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iJohnHenry

Now take my wife.

Please.

(R.I.P. Rodney)

Or Henny Youngman. Poor guy gets no respect.

obeygiant · Jul 15, 2011, 08:10 AM

A horse walks into a bar
The bartender says "why the long face?"

arkitect · Jul 15, 2011, 08:15 AM

I take no credit for this… just passing it on:

"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

iStudentUK · Jul 15, 2011, 08:28 AM

"My friend has a world record for concussions, he lives very close. In fact, just a stones throw away."

-Stewart Francis

Abstract · Jul 15, 2011, 08:59 AM

Q: What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

A: Dr. Dre.

velocityg4 · Jul 15, 2011, 09:15 AM

Why don't blind men skydive?
Because it scares the s*** out of the dog.

How do you turn a dish washer into a snow blower?
Give her a shovel.

The fight we had last night was my fault.
My wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

Did you hear about the new French tank?
Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes forward in case the enemy attacks from behind.

snberk103 · Jul 15, 2011, 09:24 AM

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister walk into bar. The bartender looks up and asks "What is this, some kind of joke?"

mscriv · Jul 15, 2011, 09:55 AM

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Dam!

Firestar · Jul 15, 2011, 10:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mscriv

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Dam!

That was pretty bad, but it did make me laugh.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Zerozal · Jul 15, 2011, 10:13 AM

Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick

Abstract · Jul 15, 2011, 10:14 AM

Q: What's brown and runny?

A: Usain Bolt.

I don't know why I keep "going there".

Firestar · Jul 15, 2011, 10:17 AM

Two fish were in a tank. One said "You man the guns, I'll drive!"

snberk103 · Jul 15, 2011, 10:22 AM

"Hello.... Hello.... [tap tap] is this thing on? Hello??"

mscriv · Jul 15, 2011, 10:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FireStar

That was pretty bad, but it did make me laugh.

That's my father in law's favorite joke. It's so corny, but it's great for a quick laugh.

rhett7660 · Jul 15, 2011, 11:00 AM

What does is smell like to go down on a 80 year old woman?

Depends.

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.

DollFaceDork · Jul 15, 2011, 11:02 AM

A wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

obeygiant · Jul 15, 2011, 11:10 AM

What did the birdy say when it flew over wal-mart?

cheap cheap cheap!

What goes "ha ha ha ha, *thump*"?

someone laughing their head off.

Jul 14, 2011, 11:03 PM	#1
renewed macrumors 68040 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Bemalte Blumen duften nicht.	Corny Jokes and One Liners Read a few in a different forum and thought why not? "What'd the lamp say to the man? Nothing. A lamp is an inanimate object." "Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked." Ok let's see what you've got. __________________ Der Optimist erklärt, dass wir in der besten aller möglichen Welten leben, und der Pessimist fürchtet, dass dies wahr ist. - James Branch Cabell
	4

Jul 14, 2011, 11:49 PM	#3
flipster macrumors 6502a Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Boston	Are you a parking ticket? Because you have fine written all over you __________________ 2008 iMac, 24", 3.06 GHz, 6GB, NVIDIA Geforce 8800 GS, Verizon Black iPhone 4 16GB "Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication." -Leonardo da Vinci
	13

Jul 15, 2011, 12:08 AM	#4
ziggyiggy macrumors newbie Join Date: Aug 2010	Have you heard of the new restaurant on the moon? The food is amazing, but I've heard its got no atmosphere... __________________ 11" MBA 64 GB SSD 4GB RAM, 20" iMac 2.66 GHz, 12" PowerBook G4, iPhone 4, iPad 16gb wifi (1st gen) and a handful of iPods
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Jul 15, 2011, 06:33 AM	#6
Firestar macrumors 68020 Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: 221B Baker Street.	I bet you I could stop gambling. I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me. __________________ "I am haunted by humans." -Death if i had a twitter it might look like this Last edited by Firestar; Jul 15, 2011 at 08:29 AM.
	1

Jul 15, 2011, 06:48 AM	#7
iJohnHenry macrumors P6 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: I was never here. Remember that!!	Now take my wife. Please. (R.I.P. Rodney) __________________ Never argue with idiots. They'll drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
	0

Jul 14, 2011, 11:39 PM	#2
Fuzzypenguin macrumors newbie Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Under your bed	What kind of shoes are made from bananas skins? Slippers. What kind of rooms have no walls? Mushrooms. When is a door not a door? When it's ajar. What happened to the boy who drank 8 cokes? He burped 7-Up. Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one.
	11

Jul 15, 2011, 01:43 AM	#5
r1ch4rd macrumors 6502a Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Manchester UK	Q: What is red and smells like blue paint? A: Red paint. Q: What do a mole and an eagle have in common? A: They both live underground, apart from the eagle.
	7

Jul 15, 2011, 06:54 AM	#8
dalvin200 macrumors 68040 Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Nottingham, UK	A man walked into a bar. Ouch. __________________ Search before you post: MRoogle
	5

Jul 15, 2011, 08:10 AM	#10
obeygiant macrumors 68040 Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Michigan	A horse walks into a bar The bartender says "why the long face?"
	5

Jul 15, 2011, 08:15 AM	#11
arkitect macrumors 68040 Join Date: Sep 2005	I take no credit for this… just passing it on: "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."
	11

Jul 15, 2011, 08:28 AM	#12
iStudentUK macrumors 65816 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: London	"My friend has a world record for concussions, he lives very close. In fact, just a stones throw away." -Stewart Francis __________________ UK students may want to read about Apple education discounts and free student warranties here
	4

Jul 15, 2011, 08:59 AM	#13
Abstract macrumors G3 Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Location Location	Q: What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? A: Dr. Dre. __________________ "Hard? It's supposed to be hard. Hard is what makes it great!" - Tom Hanks.
	10

Jul 15, 2011, 09:15 AM	#14
velocityg4 macrumors 68040 Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Georgia	Why don't blind men skydive? Because it scares the s*** out of the dog. How do you turn a dish washer into a snow blower? Give her a shovel. The fight we had last night was my fault. My wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan. Did you hear about the new French tank? Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes forward in case the enemy attacks from behind. __________________ Quadra 650 040 33MHz 72MB RAM, 2GB HD, 2x CD Macbook C2D 2.0Ghz; 3GB RAM, 500GB HD Home Made i5 4.0Ghz, GeForce 560 Ti, 16GB RAM, 256GB SSD RAID 0, 3TB HD RAID 0 in a G5 Case.
	6

Jul 15, 2011, 09:24 AM	#15
snberk103 macrumors 601 Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: An Island in the Salish Sea	A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister walk into bar. The bartender looks up and asks "What is this, some kind of joke?"
	10

Jul 15, 2011, 09:55 AM	#16
mscriv macrumors 68040 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Dallas, Texas	What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam! __________________ I'm a professional therapist. If I deem our forum interaction to be professional in nature then I will bill you. Prompt payment is expected.
	4

Jul 15, 2011, 10:13 AM	#18
Zerozal macrumors 6502 Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: PA	Q: What's brown and sticky? A: A stick __________________ 2009 Mac Pro 2.93 Quad, 12GB RAM, 300GB Velociraptor, 2x 1TB WD Caviar Blacks in RAID 0, ATI 5870, 24" LED Cinema Display, iPhone 5
	6

Jul 15, 2011, 10:14 AM	#19
Abstract macrumors G3 Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Location Location	Q: What's brown and runny? A: Usain Bolt. I don't know why I keep "going there". __________________ "Hard? It's supposed to be hard. Hard is what makes it great!" - Tom Hanks.
	2

Jul 15, 2011, 10:17 AM	#20
Firestar macrumors 68020 Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: 221B Baker Street.	Two fish were in a tank. One said "You man the guns, I'll drive!" __________________ "I am haunted by humans." -Death if i had a twitter it might look like this
	7

Jul 15, 2011, 10:22 AM	#21
snberk103 macrumors 601 Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: An Island in the Salish Sea	"Hello.... Hello.... [tap tap] is this thing on? Hello??"
	-10

Jul 15, 2011, 11:00 AM	#23
rhett7660 macrumors 604 Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Sunny, Southern California	What does is smell like to go down on a 80 year old woman? Depends. A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue. __________________ "It's quite an experience to hold the hand of someone as they move from living to dead." "Times are looking grim these days, holding on to everything, it's hard to draw the line"
	3

Jul 15, 2011, 11:02 AM	#24
DollFaceDork macrumors 6502 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Narnia	A wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. __________________ 21.5" iMac, 13" Macbook Pro , iPhone5 16GB,iPad 3rd gen 16GB, iPod Touch 8GB 5th gen, Canon EOS 7D. ♥Mary Poppins was on something...♥
	3

Jul 15, 2011, 11:10 AM	#25
obeygiant macrumors 68040 Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Michigan	What did the birdy say when it flew over wal-mart? cheap cheap cheap! What goes "ha ha ha ha, thump"? someone laughing their head off.
	1

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