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Opinion: If You Were Bestfriends Before Dating, Possible to Go Back to That?

T

theturtle

macrumors 6502a
Original poster
Aug 3, 2009
579
35
Wanted to see the general consensus is on MR's regarding this topic.

If you were bestfriends for years with the girl/guy and then started dating and then ended up breaking up.

Is it possible to ever go back to the foundation of bestfriends?

:cool:
 
mobilehaathi

mobilehaathi

macrumors G3
Aug 19, 2008
9,368
6,352
The Anthropocene
Of course it is possible, but it depends entirely on each of you and the kind of relationship you had before and during dating.

There are plenty of people for which that would be impossible.
 
H

Happybunny

macrumors 68000
Sep 9, 2010
1,792
1,389
Doubtful

Once you've seen each other naked, and in the throws of an orgasm, it's difficult to just switch that off and go back to being friends.:p

But what do I know, I've only been married three times.:eek:
 
strider42

strider42

macrumors 65816
Feb 1, 2002
1,461
7
theturtle said:
Wanted to see the general consensus is on MR's regarding this topic.

If you were bestfriends for years with the girl/guy and then started dating and then ended up breaking up.

Is it possible to ever go back to the foundation of bestfriends?

:cool:
Click to expand...

Sure its possible. I have a friend who was good friends with a guy for years. They ended up dating and it didn't work, and they are back to being friends.

But its not quite the same. They aren't as close. The things that lead to the breakup colors her perception of him a little bit. She cuts him a lot less slack as a result.

And even getting that far is an abberation I think. I think its really hard to get past any resentments that built up. its hard to turn off your feelings of jealousy that will inevitably occur (especially at first).

If two people stick it out and deal with the issues that come up, there is a chance it can get back to what it was. But it will take real dedication from both parties. In my experience, that rarely happens. And often dedication to the process ends up being, or was always intended to be, a misguided hope of getting back together in one of the parties (which spoils the entire process)
 
ipodlover77

ipodlover77

macrumors 65816
Jan 17, 2009
1,364
393
Happybunny said:
Doubtful

Once you've seen each other naked, and in the throws of an orgasm, it's difficult to just switch that off and go back to being friends.:p
Click to expand...

Sounds sarcastic but I agree 100% with this statement. Its really hard to go back to being platonic after being intimate with each other. Not to mention how (depending on if you try to be friends right after you break up) crazy it makes you go when you think about the other men shes been with.

Not a good picture to have.

I say no, i don't think being bestfriends work. Friends yes. Best of friends, nah.

----------
strider42 said:
Sure its possible. I have a friend who was good friends with a guy for years. They ended up dating and it didn't work, and they are back to being friends.

But its not quite the same. They aren't as close. The things that lead to the breakup colors her perception of him a little bit. She cuts him a lot less slack as a result.

And even getting that far is an abberation I think. I think its really hard to get past any resentments that built up. its hard to turn off your feelings of jealousy that will inevitably occur (especially at first).

If two people stick it out and deal with the issues that come up, there is a chance it can get back to what it was. But it will take real dedication from both parties. In my experience, that rarely happens. And often dedication to the process ends up being, or was always intended to be, a misguided hope of getting back together in one of the parties (which spoils the entire process)
Click to expand...

Wonderfully put.
 
firedept

firedept

macrumors 603
Jul 8, 2011
6,277
1,130
Somewhere!
I think it is very possible. But it will take mature people to do it and the relationship you had must be put aside. I know that is hard for people to do, but I have seen it work in this type of situation.
 
T

theturtle

macrumors 6502a
Original poster
Aug 3, 2009
579
35
strider42 said:
And often dedication to the process ends up being, or was always intended to be, a misguided hope of getting back together in one of the parties (which spoils the entire process)
Click to expand...

This is my biggest concern. I guess the question is, how much time is enough where one could think clearly and the lines between dedication and "winning her back" aren't blurred.
 
strider42

strider42

macrumors 65816
Feb 1, 2002
1,461
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theturtle said:
This is my biggest concern. I guess the question is, how much time is enough where one could think clearly and the lines between dedication and "winning her back" aren't blurred.
Click to expand...

The thing is, the answer to that should really be no time. If youa re ever trying to win her back while trying to repair the friendship, you are undermining it completely.

The best hope in that situation is to NOT be friends for a while. And maybe reconnect later on when you have effectively dealt with your grief and moved on so that jealousy won't be there.

Even then, resentment over whatever lead to the breakup (or things that annoy you or her now that didn't when they were made tolerable because you were in a relationship), can surface.

The best thing I ever did for myself was cutting a girl out of my life that I loved who wanted to be friends with me after the breakup, because I knew there was no way that I wanted to just be friends in reality. Its been almost 5 years. I would still not be able to get over my anger and pain if I were to hang out with her. it was better for me to move on with my life and just be happy.

The most common scenario I see is people paying lip service to being friends. They'll hang out a few times (it will be awkward), but slowly stop talking in real life. In the meantime, its all heartache and pain for the person who hasn't truly moved on. This happened to me with a previous girlfriend and is why I will not let it happen again to me.

Take care of yoruself first, then, maybe, try for a friendship.
 
S

sdilley14

macrumors 65816
Feb 8, 2007
1,242
201
Mesa, AZ
It's possible but it depends on a number of variables. How long have they been friends? Have they always been strcitly friends or has one of them always had a certain amount of romantic attraction while the other has not? It also depends on how long they end up dating and why they end up breaking up.
 
R

rjkgr

macrumors regular
Aug 15, 2013
189
0
from my personal life! we were best friends before dating then never talked or seen each other again been 3 years... dont call/text i mean i see her family but never her. but anything is possible dont get me wrong
 
wvuwhat

wvuwhat

macrumors 65816
Sep 26, 2007
1,157
37
Sounds like you're not over it and she is.

It is never possible to be best friends again.

Sorry.
 
BenTrovato

BenTrovato

macrumors 68040
Jun 29, 2012
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Definitely possible but it depends on how advanced both people are. If one of you hangs on to things and can't move on then it is unlikely.
 
AustinIllini

AustinIllini

macrumors G5
Oct 20, 2011
12,682
10,517
Austin, TX
strider42 said:
Sure its possible. I have a friend who was good friends with a guy for years. They ended up dating and it didn't work, and they are back to being friends.

But its not quite the same. They aren't as close. The things that lead to the breakup colors her perception of him a little bit. She cuts him a lot less slack as a result.

And even getting that far is an abberation I think. I think its really hard to get past any resentments that built up. its hard to turn off your feelings of jealousy that will inevitably occur (especially at first).

If two people stick it out and deal with the issues that come up, there is a chance it can get back to what it was. But it will take real dedication from both parties. In my experience, that rarely happens. And often dedication to the process ends up being, or was always intended to be, a misguided hope of getting back together in one of the parties (which spoils the entire process)
Click to expand...

This describes the situation. The "I don't see why not" people have to weigh some things. Can you recover the friendship? Yes, but it takes a lot of work. Is it worth it? I'm not so sure. One of my ex girlfriends and I tried and it absolutely failed and she continues to hate me even now that i'm married.
 
S

snberk103

macrumors 603
Oct 22, 2007
5,503
91
An Island in the Salish Sea
Sure it's possible, but you didn't share enough background for anybody to really tell. Was the breakup initiated by one partner (and not accepted by the other); Or was the breakup mutually agreed to. How old are the two of you (can make a big difference) Etc etc.

However, that may not be the issue.

You also have to think about people you (and your partner) may date in the future. How are these people going to react when they find out your 'friend' is an ex-partner. Put yourself into their shoes...

Reading between the lines of your posts... in my opinion (based on incomplete information admittedly) I'd say it's time to move on. Give yourself some time...it'll be OK.
 
T

theturtle

macrumors 6502a
Original poster
Aug 3, 2009
579
35
As many of you assumed, this is actually a personal issue i am going through at the moment.

We were best friends for 6 years (22 now). My go to person for everything. Helped me through my previous relationships (she wanted to date but didn't see her in that way at first). Ended up dating, but she was never able to get over the resentment towards me for picking my ex over her. Broke up a couple times in a span of three years but always got back together. Now she found someone else. Killed me so did went no contact for 5 months. Started talking to her because the void (either as a friend or relationship, can't tell yet) was driving me insane. But ironically, i resent her now because she was with other guys when i assumed (she uses Ross's excuse of...) we were on a break but still exclusive (happened twice now :X)

Now after talking to her the past few days and hanging out with her, im left feeling very similar to doing drugs. A high when with her, then a low when im not with her (from the realization that the relationship is a very large shell of not only from when we dated but even when we were just friends).

So in this confused, reflective state atm. Ultimately it will be up to me, which i understand. Just wanted some opinions.

Originally didn't want to go too in depth but meh, its the internet so fug it. I consider MR my family anyways :cool:

Currently im leaning towards the fence of just talking to her through text and maybe via phone calls when I need her but not meeting up with her. I want her in my life, thats a given, but seeing her at the moment def puts me in a wrong state of mind. Plus, it hits my self esteem in a way where I feel as though Im a safety blanket to her, someone who keeps her company at home (her BF lives in chi town I think. Didnt want to ask).
 
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Mousse

Mousse

macrumors 68040
Apr 7, 2008
3,495
6,717
Flea Bottom, King's Landing
I wouldn't know. I probably would never find out, since my best friend is a dude. Where both straight. But if I were gay, I think I could do better than his hideous hairy (_!_).:D

I find it incredibly difficult to be best bud with someone of the opposite. I can be friends with a woman, but never a best friend. There's just some stuff you just aren't comfortable doing in front of someone of the opposite sex. I can't fart into an open mouth of a woman. I just can't. No problem if it's a dude, unless he's got biceps bigger than his head and missing his front teeth. I can fart in my best bud's face--with his mouth wide open, picking bits of bacon from between his teeth--and we'd both laugh. Then he would swear revenge.;) We'd laugh again. I'd wake up the next morning with one eye brow shaved. That's why he's my best friend.:D:D:cool:

Anyhow, going back to being friends with a woman who was a friend before you dated is possible. I'm still friends with a few women friends whom I've had a failed fling. It's easy for me, since I'm not the jealous type. A man has got to be magnanimous.
 
4JNA

4JNA

macrumors 68000
Feb 8, 2006
1,505
1
looking for trash files
theturtle said:
Is it possible to ever go back to the foundation of bestfriends?
Click to expand...

ha. ha. wait, seriously?!?

HELL NO.

there are things that can not be unseen. even if you don't believe the internet, i know it to be true.

cut. run. move. far away. really far away. and change your name. first and last.
 
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E

ElectronGuru

macrumors 68000
Sep 5, 2013
1,656
489
Oregon, USA
The issue is trust. Through your romantic period, there were positive and negative emotions attached to and generated by your relationship. So long as they remain (unresolved), they will interfere with the trust needed to get back to where you were.

Basically, breaking up is a shortcut, a way to bury or ignore feelings created while growing the relationship. To shrink it back down and stay connected, you'll have to take the long cut: resolving the pain and turning off the passion.
 
S

snberk103

macrumors 603
Oct 22, 2007
5,503
91
An Island in the Salish Sea
theturtle said:
As many of you assumed, this is actually a personal issue i am going through at the moment.

We were best friends for 6 years (22 now).....
Click to expand...

With respect... but the rest of your post describes a relationship - that to me - is not what I'd call "Best Friends". You have had, imho, an emotional intense and complicated friendship/relationship. And no one can deny it has been an important relationship for you. But in my personal experience it bears no resemblance to what I would call "Best Friends".

For one thing (and there are others) - resentment has no place between "Best Friends".

As difficult as this will be, I think you need to move on and get on with your life. It will be difficult - but I think you gotta do it.

But what do I know, eh?
 
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