25 Facts About Chuck Norris -- My Personal Favorite

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by mac.head.high, Feb 23, 2006.

  1. mac.head.high macrumors regular

    mac.head.high

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    #1
    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

    When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
    because he has run out of women.

    MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris
    can kill him and take it.

    Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
    information he wants.

    If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
    After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

    Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

    Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
    to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a
    beard.

    Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed
    by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick.
    When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

    Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

    Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths
    have increased 13,000 percent.

    Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
    unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
    finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
    back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
    should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
    the month.

    Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
    stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly
    after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck
    Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew
    once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

    Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
    assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
    deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

    Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
    "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
    of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
    Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
    kick related deaths.

    There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

    To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15
    cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
    cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,
    Lance Armstrong.

    There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

    The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more
    than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck
    Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing
    Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for
    a single show, however, so it was divided.

    The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

    Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
    names for his left and right legs.

    It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate,
    but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to
    him. Pirates never were very smart.

    Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
    We know this beverage as Red Bull.
     
  2. yellow Moderator emeritus

    yellow

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  3. Josh macrumors 68000

    Josh

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    #3
    haha nice.

    Here are some more:

    Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

    The second Chuck Norris is too old to walk is the second he begins to hover.

    When Chuck Norris jumps into water, he does not get wet; the water gets Norrised.

    If you call Chuck Norris on the phone, he appears.

    Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

    Chuck Norris knows the last number of PI.

    The universe is expanding. What scientists don't mention is that it is expanding from the very spot Chuck Norris issued his first roundhouse kick.
     
  4. liketom macrumors 601

    liketom

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    #4
    Chuck rules OK :D

    "When Chuck Norris jumps into water, he does not get wet; the water gets Norrised."

    LOVE IT
     
  5. kretzy macrumors 604

    kretzy

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    Canberra, Australia
    #5
    What's with all the Chuck Norris threads? The only thing I've ever seen of his, is some infomercial with Christie Brinkley selling some gym equipment. I don't understand the attraction. :confused:
     
  6. PlaceofDis macrumors Core

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    Jan 6, 2004
    #6
    i don't either. i can't stand the man.
     
  7. Chundles macrumors G4

    Chundles

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    Jul 4, 2005
    #7
    Chuck Norris carries a fluffy handbag.

    Follow David Boon, face Launceston and pray:

    Legend, legend, dead set legend. Top bloke.

    David Boon once smacked a six into the members stand of the MCG. It hit Chuck Norris in the chest and turned him into a fluffy handbag toting, Bacardi Breezer sipping nancy boy who thinks he's a cowboy.

    Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel had an arm wrestle, Mr T won, then Boonie smacked all three of them over the long boundary at the Adelaide Oval with his mighty Gray Nichols bat.
    [​IMG]
     
  8. Jay42 macrumors 65816

    Jay42

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    #8
    I don't understand what there is to not understand. Its Chuck Norris!
     
  9. liketom macrumors 601

    liketom

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    #10
    Chuck Norris just brings up all them crap movies i watched when i was a kid :rolleyes:

    pure class ,
     
  10. Chundles macrumors G4

    Chundles

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    #11
    30 FACTS ABOUT BOONIE

    The quickest way to a man's heart is with Boonie's Gray Nicholls.

    Boonie's tears don't cure cancer, but they do cure a hard earned thirst as they are 6.2% alcohol.

    Boonie doesn't shave; his beard is too scared of his mo. The only thing that isn't scared of Boonie's mo is Boonie, and possibly Merv.

    When Boonie was born, he never cried. He just rearranged his box, then got on with the business of growing his mo.

    Boonie sold his soul to the devil for his mo and unparalleled batting ability. "Fielding at Short Leg" ability was his own doing. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Boonie swung his mighty Gray Nicholls at the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play back yard cricket every second Wednesday of the month, even in the winter.

    Boonie does not sleep. He waits. For your shout.

    Boonie once cover drove someone so hard that his Gray Nicholls broke the speed of light, went back in time, and smashed Charles Kingsford Smith while he was flying over the Tasman

    Boonie built a time machine and went back in time to stop Harold Holt going for a swim. As a shark came near him, Boonie's mo strangled the shark. Holt died of amazement and floated out to sea. Boonie then drank a case.

    Boonie does not drink like a horse. horses drink like Boonie

    To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked
    15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Then he found out about Boonie drinking 52 cans of Full Strength beer on a flight between London and Sydney, and Chuck Norris'
    cancer came back, but this time it had a bigger mo.

    The chief export of Boonie comes in keg form.

    Boonie is currently suing Slim Dusty's estate, claiming "The Pub With No Beer" is something that just shouldn't be joked about.

    Boonie won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply smashed the living daylights out of everything that was thrown at him to the fence with his Gray Nicholls, and the game forfeited.

    Boonie drank his first stubbie before his dad did.

    Boonie was the fourth Wise Man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "brew". Unfortunately, the trip along the desert following that star was a long one, and none of the 12 cases of beer made it, hence why he was left out of the bible.

    If you can see Boonie, it is your shout. If you can't see Boonie you may be only seconds away from a shout.

    Boonie doesn't read books. He drinks in front of them until they pass out. Then Boonie shakes their hand, rearranges his box and gets on with business.

    When Boonie sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready at short leg. Boonie has not had to pay taxes ever.

    Boonie can make a woman climax by simply pointing at his mo.

    Boonie once ate four 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes hitting boundaries.

    Playing in England for the ashes, Boonie brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged mo rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Boonie out-drank the animal, breaking its non-iron guts, to remind the crowd once more that Boonie giveth, and the good Boonie taketh away.

    When Boonie plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather alcohol poisoning. He also requires no wagon, since the family is carried on the drinks cart. He always makes it to Oregon before you, then rearranges his box and gets on with business.

    After little debate, Australian Prime Ministers have always decided that we do need to have armed forces instead of Boonie. The reasoning? It is more "humane", and Boonie sometimes likes to go home to Tasmania instead of touring.

    Boonie once shot a British plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Howzat!"

    The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Boonie-more than meets the eye, Boonie-robot in disguise," and starred Boonie as a Test Cricketer who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a keg. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided into the "Transformers" and the "Talking Boonie".

    One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact leg glanced to death by Boonie.

    Boonie recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Budwiser. Boonie won't drink it either.

    There are no retired bowlers. Only bowlers who have met Boonie.

    When Boonie's wife burned the snags one Boxing Day Test, Boonie never got upset. He just got out his Gray Nicholls, and then belted the burnt off all the snags. He got Man of the Match that day.

    If you ask Boonie what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
    After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he sweeps your nads for four. Then he rearranges his box, and gets on with business.
     
  11. leftbanke7 macrumors 6502a

    leftbanke7

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    #13
    The Chuck Norris craze = what happens when you give drunk frat boys internet access.
     
  12. hookahco macrumors regular

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    To Live n Die in L.A. California
    #14
    AHHHHHHH MY HEAD!
    make it stop make it stop!!!!
     
  13. FSUSem1noles macrumors 68000

    FSUSem1noles

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    #15
    everyone knows Chuck can't hang with Vin Diesel! :p
     
  14. ravenvii macrumors 604

    ravenvii

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    #16
    Some of my favorites:

    The first solar eclipse occurred when Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.

    The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.

    There are no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

    Chuck Norris has two speeds - walk and kill.

    Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting. Hunting implies a possibility of failure. Instead, Chuck Norris goes killing.

    There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

    When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the McDonald's so hard it became a Wendy's.

    Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books. The words assemble themselves out of fear.

    Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

    Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

    The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

    That's all folks!

    [​IMG]
     
  15. DISCOMUNICATION macrumors 6502a

    DISCOMUNICATION

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    #17
    The master of the roundhouse kick

    While Chuck Norris has been good for laughs since the 80's his popularity was renewed last year with Conan O’Brien’s Walker Texas Ranger lever. Introducing him to a whole new generation of college kids who probably only know him from that Total Gym infomercial. It culminated most recently in the SNL Digital Short "Young Chuck Norris".
     

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  16. mulze22 macrumors regular

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    #18
    All of those facts are so funny. Great thread.
     
  17. runninmac macrumors 65816

    runninmac

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    #19
    Um I feel so stupid asking this, so i figure online annonomsly will make it a little easyer but ¿¿¿WHO IS CHUCK NORIS??? I feel so out of the loop at school when people talk about him:cool:
     
  18. jsw Moderator emeritus

    jsw

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    #20
    Consult Wiki Tikki Tavi, the information mongoose.
     
  19. gauchogolfer macrumors 603

    gauchogolfer

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    #21
    Just to chime in with a few more from chucknorrisfacts.com

    When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

    Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

    Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

    Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

    Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.

    In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

    "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

    In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

    Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
     
  20. Abstract macrumors Penryn

    Abstract

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    #22
    Here are some of my faves:

    -Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now "The Islands."

    -Chuck Norris gave cats nine lives so he could kill them more.

    -Chuck Norris doesn't tea-bag, he potato-sacks.

    -Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

    -Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.

    -Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

    -Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.

    -Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian.

    -Most men are OK with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

    -We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it. :D

    -If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.
     
  21. Josh macrumors 68000

    Josh

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    #23
    LOL!! That's one of the best by far.

    Here are some I came up with:

    A werewolf once shot Chuck Norris with a silver bullet. The point: When is the last time you saw a live werewolf?

    I don't have an imaginary frieind. Not because I'm 21, but because Chuck's killed mine.

    Chuck Norris wasn't born, he was spawned.
     
  22. aricher macrumors 68020

    aricher

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    #24
    Chuck Norris is a nancy-boy. Now Steven Segal on the other hand.:D
     
  23. maestro55 macrumors 68030

    maestro55

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    #25
    I love these, but I have read them all already. We found them online the other day and were taking turns reading them in class but our teacher got annoyed and told us to stop. Anyhow, I was surprised to see a thread here on MR. Very nice.
     

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