Advice: Am I wrong to feel this way?

Discussion in 'Community' started by Josh, Aug 18, 2005.

  1. Josh macrumors 68000

    Josh

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2004
    Location:
    State College, PA
    #1
    Normally I don't post about personal/relationship issues, but this is just something I cannot figure out on my own. The opinions of others I think would help me understand it a little bit.

    Here's the scenario: My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years (well, 1 more week before it's offically two years, but still). And we have a good relationship - we argue time to time like any two people who spend a good amount of time together do, but nothing ever serious.

    So yesterday she tells me 'I'm going on a trip...by myself'. She's going on a trip by herself to the beach we usually go to, which is 3 hours away, and she's going to be there 2 days. Nothing wrong with that at all.

    But it did hurt my feelings a little bit and kinda made me sad that she'd rather go alone, especially to a place that has been a significant place in our relationship, since we take trips there a few times together each summer. I told her it made me a little sad, and she explained to me that she just wants to get away from home and just relax by herself for a couple days before school starts.

    When I told her it seemed odd that she's going alone, she said, "Who else would I bring?" which bothered me (which I think is understandable). She's leaving on Sunday, and I wouldn't be able to go since I work on Monday, which is maybe why she said that, I don't know.

    But it just doesn't seem like she'd enjoy being all by herself, especially at night. Usually if her sister goes away and she's home alone at her own house at night she asks me to stay. And now she wants to drive 3 hours away and stay in an unfamilar place? I just don't get it.

    Is it normal for that to hurt my feelings? I understand she wants time to relax and I respect that, and I am not mad at all about it. I never told her she couldn't go or anything, and I think it will be good for her. I don't think there is anything wrong with ti, it just makes me a little sad.

    How would you feel if your significant other did this. Would you be sad/feelings hurt, or would you think nothing of it?

    We have a very trusting relationship, but for some reason this has got me worried and thinking all kinds of stupid stuff. I guess I still have a lot to learn in relationships and maybe this is a normal situation for couples that have been together a long time, it's just a new idea to me and I guess I'm just having a little trouble adjusting to it, I don't know :confused:
     
  2. Sdashiki macrumors 68040

    Sdashiki

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2005
    Location:
    Behind the lens
    #2
    She's cheating on you.

    sorry.

    2yrs, going away to the romantic beach for a few days without you.

    If you arent married, shes cheating on you.

    Married people for some reason seem to always go on vacations alone!

    LOL
     
  3. Chaszmyr macrumors 601

    Chaszmyr

    Joined:
    Aug 9, 2002
    #3
    I don't know what is or isn't normal, but if I were in your situation it would definitely hurt my feelings. With that being said, she does have the right to spend a couple days without you, and it's not something I think you need to worry about unless she starts spending more time without you than with you.
     
  4. fistful macrumors 6502a

    fistful

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2004
    Location:
    Socan
    #4
    I wouldn't worry about it but I can see you being a little upset about it. I wouldn't automatically assume she's cheating on you like Sdashiki suggested. You have to have some trust and if she doesn't make a habit of it I wouldn't worry. Obviously you know her better than anyone here so you may feel this is unusual for her but sometimes you just need to be alone.
     
  5. feakbeak macrumors 6502a

    feakbeak

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2003
    Location:
    Michigan
    #5
    IMO, this seems sketchy. I would understand if she went with some family members or other friends but alone. I don't know many young people who vacation alone... old people, yeah. My grandma used to vacation alone all the time - well with other old people through group scenarios, but not with anyone she knew. Just seems odd.

    Then again, maybe I'm paranoid - my ex-gf of four years cheated on me just 8 months ago.

    I've always been a firm believer in communication. You didn't specifically mention it, but if you fear she is really cheating on you I would broach the subject with her. Explain how it doesn't seems to fit (if it doesn't, you know her best). Ask her if she believes there is anything wrong between the two of you. If she was planning something dubious there is probably a reason for it and something is awry in your relationship and perhaps she'll talk about it. Or maybe she's just not an average young girl and wishes to vacation on a beach alone... yeah! I'm skeptical of that one.

    Whatever happens, I wish you both the best. Events like these in relationships that cause doubt can be pretty awful to go through.
     
  6. florencevassy macrumors regular

    florencevassy

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2004
    Location:
    Princeton, NJ
    #6
    Can you try to get to the heart of the matter and find out why she needs to be alone? Has anything significant happened to her lately such as a loss of a job or is a relative or is a friend of hers sick? Has she been depressed lately?

    I have gone away by myself when I was in a relationship just to get away from things when I was really stressing out. Also I was trying to decide if I should stay with that person. I had no intentions of cheating.

    But I enjoy being by myself - If she isn’t by herself that often that is a little strange though.

    Not sure if that helps but good luck.
     
  7. anonymous161 macrumors 6502

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2003
    Location:
    Where the wind comes sweeping down the plains
    #7
    I kind of have to agree with Sdashiki.
    Either she is going there (or somewhere) with someone else, or she really just doesn't want to be with you. Doesn't sound good.
    Sorry.
     
  8. jelloshotsrule macrumors G3

    jelloshotsrule

    Joined:
    Feb 7, 2002
    Location:
    serendipity
    #8
    do you live with her?

    if so, i could certainly see her wanting alone time...

    either way, it would certainly hurt my feelings/make me sad as you say, so that's understandable. if you have no (other) reason to doubt her faithfulness, i'd say let her go. if she's cheating, you'll probably be able to tell when she returns, depending on how she describes the trip, etc. i don't think it's worth playing games with your own head, so if there's something you're worried about, either ask her or simply realize that it's a silly thing to think, and go on. as you said, you can't go, so in a way it makes sense for her to go alone (better alone than with some guy friends or something i'd think?). my girlfriend is a bit of a hermit, so it wouldn't really surprise me if she went on vacation alone for a couple days...

    good luck
     
  9. Josh thread starter macrumors 68000

    Josh

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2004
    Location:
    State College, PA
    #9
    When I asked her about it and told her that I just don't understand it, she told me that she's been stressed lately (she's taking summer classes, volunteering at the hospital, was working 3-days a week) and wanted to relax before school starts. I know what it's like to be stressed, so I could see wanting to get away.

    It just seems weird that all of a sudden she wants to do this. When I told her it bothers me and made me said, she said I was selfish for feeling that way, and that in no way were my feelings understandable. She also said it was possesive to feel that way :confused:

    If it was my situation and I was the one that wanted to get away from things, I would still invite her. If I wanted time to myself during then, I'd just say I'm going to the beach by myself, maybe you can go shopping or to the trails, or spend the day up here doing your own thing. That way we both get away from everything and have the enter day to ourself, but still we both could enjoy it, you know.

    I also asked her if anything was wrong or if she had anything on her mind about ANYTHING, us, work, school friends, anything. She said it had nothing to do with me or us, and she just needed to relax.

    We kinda like being by ourselves, we both don't go out much, don't club, and don't like the 'party scene', so we spend a lot of time just hanging out, taking little trips like that. We like to read and I guess you could say we're not the typical college kids. So her wanting to have time to read and relax at the beach isn't what seems odd to me. That's perfectly normal for her.

    Just not wanting to invite me I guess is what bothers me. I told her I thought I improved her time and made her time more enjoyable, and that it seems like she'd want to bring me. But I guess she just wants time to herself.

    We fought about it a little last night, and she gets mad when I tell her it upsets me, so I'd really not like to bring the issue up again.

    How would I know if she's cheating on me? We've talked about it before and we both think cheating on someone is stupid - what is the point of it. If you don't love someone and you want to do stuff with other people, why waste your time in the relationship? Break up, then do whatever you want with whoever you want. I don't think she's the type to cheat, especially since I don't know a)why she would, we're happy or b)who it would be with. She doesn't have many friends, no guy friends, and she never goes away or anything. She doesn't really have time to cheat on me - we're always together, so I really don't think she is. But if she is, I wish there was a way of knowing.

    Thanks for the comments everyone, I really appreciate it!
     
  10. AmigoMac macrumors 68020

    AmigoMac

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2003
    Location:
    l'Allemagne
    #10
    She's preparing the place for their 2nd year in 1 week, it should be a surprise but Josh, I had to tell you ;)

    I'd worry about this really. but you may wait till your 2nd year celebration and see her reaction to that special day.

    Yellow flag. :)

    BTW, Macrumors is open 24/7, ohhh love threads...
     
  11. mad jew Moderator emeritus

    mad jew

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2004
    Location:
    Adelaide, Australia
    #11
    She seemed pretty defensive which is never a good sign. Hopefully we're all wrong and she really is just needing some alone time, but it's not looking promising. Sorry, I know how frustrating this can be.
     
  12. Piarco macrumors 68030

    Piarco

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2004
    Location:
    Londinium
    #12
    I wouldn't know if she was cheating on you or not from that - but a break away emphasising the " on her own " would get me royaly paranoid. When I split from an ex after 4 years, I knew things were wrong when she replied to some of my what-to-do suggestions "why don't you go on your own".

    I understand people need their own space now and again, but this does sound a little extreme. Like feakbeak and florencevassy say - communication is the key. try and get to the bottom of her need to go away as much as you can. If you feel she is fobbing you off with a next to nothing reasoning, I feel things may be coming to an end.....

    I honestly hope its noting to worry about! It sucks feeling that your being sidelined....
     
  13. gwuMACaddict macrumors 68040

    gwuMACaddict

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2003
    Location:
    washington dc
    #13
    good grief golks!! we're killing this relationship already??

    yikes... if you've been with her for two year, you obviously trust her- keep trusting her, let her go have her space for a few days, and see how things work out... everyone needs a little personal space once in a while

    sheesh...
     
  14. Diatribe macrumors 601

    Diatribe

    Joined:
    Jan 8, 2004
    Location:
    Back in the motherland
    #14
    listen to the man with the odd spelling, he is right. :D
     
  15. jelloshotsrule macrumors G3

    jelloshotsrule

    Joined:
    Feb 7, 2002
    Location:
    serendipity
    #15
    i agree with gwu. don't let this bring you down. there's no other "warning" signs, nothing else bad going on.. i've wanted to be alone from my gf at times, and i'm sure she's felt the same. but we're totally happy. it's natural.

    if things get weird afterwards, then maybe it's worth pressing her about more, but otherwise, let her enjoy the time, and you can take the time to polish your mac! hah
     
  16. gwuMACaddict macrumors 68040

    gwuMACaddict

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2003
    Location:
    washington dc
    #16
    not letting it go yet, huh? hahahahaha :D

    i'm gonna keep an eye on you too ;)
     
  17. mad jew Moderator emeritus

    mad jew

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2004
    Location:
    Adelaide, Australia
    #17

    You called us all "golks". :p
     
  18. leekohler macrumors G5

    leekohler

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2004
    Location:
    Chicago, Illinois
    #18
    Since you say this is normal for her, it shouldn't bother you so much. Sounds like maybe you guys have been spending too much time with each other and not enough with friends. Maybe that's why you feel hurt. You may feel abandoned. While she's gone, go play poker with the guys and enjoy yourself.
     
  19. gwuMACaddict macrumors 68040

    gwuMACaddict

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2003
    Location:
    washington dc
    #19
    i think that i need to stop posting today... the spelling keeps on getting worse...

    good thing i have you and Diatribe to keep an eye on me :D
     
  20. devilot Moderator emeritus

    devilot

    Joined:
    May 1, 2005
    #20
    I've read in surveys that statistically, women cheat for very very very different reasons than most men. Typically, a woman will feel abandoned or that her man doesn't show her enough attention and she will tend to cheat w/ a new guy to experience the whole "honeymoon" feeling, all over again.

    But I agree w/ some of those other posters-- maybe she really does need some time just to herself. Maybe she is sorting out your relationship. Maybe she's just sick of some snoring and wants a quick breather.

    It's funny, I think that my bf and I are much like you and your gf. We don't go out all that much (I think) and he pretty much never hangs out w/ the "boys" and he won't unless I go w/ him (I have literally fought over this w/ him to the point of tears). I feel so strongly about it simply because I don't really have any friends (regardless of gender) and I feel like he should hang onto and maintain these friendships!

    Anyway, there's nothing you can do to find out for sure if she is cheating on you... You can't spin counter clockwise three times, touch your nose, stick out your tongue, and do a somersault to *poof* know the magic answer.

    Rough the weekend apart... who knows, you might really enjoy the time to yourself as well. ;)
     
  21. Josh thread starter macrumors 68000

    Josh

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2004
    Location:
    State College, PA
    #21
    I guess I'll just try not to think about it and try not to let it bother me.

    We really don't spend THAT much time together, especially not just the two of us (her sister is usually with us, which I don't mind).

    I work everday and get home around 7, so during the week I see her for maybe 3-4 hours.

    I just don't get why she'd want to get away from me :confused:

    Then she said she's not going to call me while there either. She's gonna call to let me know she got there alright, but that's about it. Just makes me sad...I wish she was a bit more understanding of my feelings and what it's like to be on the other side of the situation.

    Her mom doesn't like the idea of her going alone either, so I would think with enough people feeling that way she'd understand why it bothers me.
     
  22. stridey macrumors 65816

    stridey

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2005
    Location:
    Massachusetts, Connecticut
    #22
    You know, if her mom's against it, it's possible that the whole thing has nothing to do with you, and is actually a form of rebellion against her parents. It only upsets them if she's alone, therefore she doesn't want you there. Just a thought.
     
  23. CubaTBird macrumors 68020

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2004
    #23
    dude just be "meh"... if she had some big scheme of being with another dude im sure you would have figured it out.. when she gets back just play it by ear and be glad you get to see her again..
     
  24. feakbeak macrumors 6502a

    feakbeak

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2003
    Location:
    Michigan
    #24
    After reading your second post, Josh, I'm less skeptical - she might just want time to get away. If she's been that busy and stressed out she may just want to get away. If you've talked about cheating before and you have a really open, communicative relationship it seems you have little reason to not trust her. I'd agree with jelloshotsrule on this sentiment:

    When my ex cheated on me, I could sense something was up, something was wrong. I approached her about it once or twice and she denied it, but if something is going on the truth will come out sooner or later - usually sooner. It doesn't seem like you have any other warning flags popping up.

    If she feels there is something missing in your relationship or if she does cheat on you, when she gets back I think you'll be able to sense it. There is no point in bringing it up again now before she goes it will only upset both of your more. I would think that she would be more understanding about why it might hurt your feelings though - but perhaps she's just on edge from being stressed and snapped at you.

    Take care of yourself, I hope all goes well.
     
  25. Abstract macrumors Penryn

    Abstract

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2002
    Location:
    Location Location Location
    #25
    Yeah, I was going to say the same thing.

    The fact that you keep asking her if there's something wrong means you don't trust her. She said nothing is wrong, so just take it at face value for now. If there's something wrong, you'll know afterwards.

    Asking her a lot is also annoying. If she's feeling moody already, imagine how she feels about you now that you won't stop whining like a........even when nothing is wrong with your relationship.

    Now let go of the leash. She's right in many ways......you're being possessive. She doesn't owe you every minute of every day. She can leave for a few days, and if you feel sad about it for no rational reason, then sulk.

    If this happens again in the near future, THEN you should worry. Seriously.
     

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