anyone down to talk about long distance relationships?

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by jamesi, Feb 20, 2007.

  1. jamesi macrumors 6502a

    jamesi

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2005
    Location:
    Davis CA
    #1
    Hey, as the title might hint, I am in a long distance relationship. my first thought about opening up a thread on my love life seemed somewhat pathetic, but id be interested to see what ppl thought. she goes to berkeley, i go to uc davis. we are both 19, its been about 8 months and everything is going really well. but once i dropped the "love" card, things obviously changed and now im wondering what to do b/c i dont know if i can do this next year. its just so hard and i figure we are so young, id love to see someone who went to the same school.

    anyways, i was wondering what other ppl thought of the whole long distance gig. its not so much that im ppl to advise me of my particular situation, i was just wondering what thoughts were floating on everyones minds
     
  2. devilot Moderator emeritus

    devilot

    Joined:
    May 1, 2005
    #2
    Haha, I was just thinking about this...

    I spent my senior year of high school in a long distance relationship as my then bf was at UCI. That was painful... exaceberated by his family not wanting him to come back often-- we ended up seeing each other one weekend every eight weeks or so which is pretty bad considering Orange County is roughly 7 hours drive away and I know people who do cross-country relationships who see each other more often than that.

    After that painful experience I told myself never again would I attempt long distance.

    But I think, after having been with someone for over four years, I could easily see how I would be tempted to try long distance again if not trying meant the possibility of losing out on someone special... no, perhaps only if I suspected that I was actually in love with that person and s/he in love with me.
     
  3. bartelby macrumors Core

    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2004
    #3
    How far is the distance?

    When I met my girlfriend, now wife, she was in Sussex Uni that was 4 hours away by train. She then did a years studying in NorthWestern Uni whilst I was still in Wales, that's a 10 hour flight plus hundreds of Pounds in cost.
    It was hard but it did strengthen the relationship. We've been together for 11 years, Married for 6 years this year.
     
  4. SC68Cal macrumors 68000

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2006
    #4
    I've never had a distance relationship work. Ever.

    But that's just me, so that is dubious at best.

    I mean, good luck with it. If you really feel strongly about her you might be able to pull it off.
     
  5. devilot Moderator emeritus

    devilot

    Joined:
    May 1, 2005
    #5
    UCB <-> UCD is about 2 hours or so driving. (Sorry, that's in reference to the OP who stated the gf is at Berkeley, I just assumed UC Berkeley and he is at UC Davis.)
     
  6. bartelby macrumors Core

    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2004
    #6

    It's not really a long distance then?
    Easy to pop across for weekends or even over night!
     
  7. jamesi thread starter macrumors 6502a

    jamesi

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2005
    Location:
    Davis CA
    #7
    i considered myself a hopeless romantic but i still find im realistic about this. im not going to date her forever, i want to date around a fair bit before settling down. that just seems logical to me, i love and her all that jazz but i didnt do much dating in highschool and i need more experience. shes amazing but i just get the feeling that there will never be a real substantial reason to break up, i think i could end up with her. but these thoughts at 19...i always feel like u gotta be older for those sorta "epiphanies"?

    we both are planning on being in school for a while (medschool for her, business/grad school)so that is a loong time to date.

    lol, sometimes i have idea how to fully articulate my thoughts on this
     
  8. SC68Cal macrumors 68000

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2006
    #8
    Best suggestion:

    Write your thoughts down. You don't have to share them with her, but maybe it'll help you organize how you feel, for when you do decide to talk to her about it.
     
  9. jamesi thread starter macrumors 6502a

    jamesi

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2005
    Location:
    Davis CA
    #9
    i usually see her like 1-2 times a month, i think that still sucks enough to be called long distance. alot of ppl who posted had much more distance between then so i apologize if i seem insulting. im not freaking out about this, i just was wondering.
     
  10. bartelby macrumors Core

    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2004
    #10
    You seem to have made up your mind already about how this relationship is going to go...
     
  11. islandman macrumors 6502

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2006
    #11
    IMO, if two people love each other and are willing to put in the effort, it can work. 2 hours apart isn't really long distance, in my opinion. Just try to spend time together where possible and see what happens! There's nothing wrong with long-distance relationships (I'm in one now), but you have to be somewhat committed to make it work. Good luck. :)
     
  12. jamesi thread starter macrumors 6502a

    jamesi

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2005
    Location:
    Davis CA
    #12
    yea, that fact kinda bothers me
     
  13. SC68Cal macrumors 68000

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2006
    #13
    I feel much more comfortable when i've made a decision about something, compared to when I am faced with options.
     
  14. Analog Kid macrumors 68040

    Analog Kid

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2003
    #14
    My (now) wife and I spent 4 years with her in Japan and me in the US-- the first 4 years, mind you. It can work. It means a lot of phone time, and a lot of patience, and, of course, the right two people.

    When I was in college, I was in Boston and my girlfriend was in Pittsburgh. That was hard and eventually failed. Emotions run hotter when you're younger, time seems to move more slowly, you don't have the independence and financial resources to set your own priorities. She eventually left me for someone close by. Truth be told, that didn't work out much better for her.

    My best friend met his (now) wife when he was at Pitt and she was a Penn State-- which is a little further than what you're dealing with.

    This is another whole topic... I've got friends who married after dating since high school and can't imagine better marriages. I've got friends who wait until they're older and can't quite find a relationship that works.

    There's two schools of thought, both valid: if you start your relationship early you form to fit one another, while meeting when you're older means more effort in reconciling your established ways-- on the other hand there the theory that when you're older you have a better idea of what you're looking for and your life's path is better established. Both are true. What some call "experience" others call "baggage".

    The thing to do, I think, is think about it long and hard and figure out if you're really using the distance as an excuse to hide something more fundamental that you don't want to admit to yourself. Conversely, you want to be sure that you're not internalizing someone else's idea of what your path through life should be-- you'll hear all kinds of advice from people that may not fit you.

    And whatever you do, keep the romance-- logic kills the fun in life.
     
  15. Abstract macrumors Penryn

    Abstract

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2002
    Location:
    Location Location Location
    #15
    That's great news for me. I'm around 10 hours flight from my girlfriend. She's great. A few other girls like me, and they're all really pretty (not bragging, but I'm just saying that they're physically attractive), but despite the obvious benefits of dating someone local, my girlfriend really is a fantastic person, and really perfect for me (I think).
     
  16. GodofThunder macrumors newbie

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2004
    #16
    I've actually had 2 long distance relationships.

    The first was about 10 years ago. I met her on a trip to Thailand. It took me 1 year to get back there. She lived in Bangkok, I lived in Los Angeles. Throughout the year, we talked on the phone almost everyday. So, $3000 in phone bills and a year later, the first couple of weeks together went pretty cool. After that, kinda went downhill from there. She went out of town for a week, I did something with a couple of friends of hers(that's a whole other story. Really, it wasn't my fault. Alcohol and beautiful women don't mix, unless you're single) I have no regrets. It wasn't ment to be.

    The second was about 8 years ago. She was foreign student from Korea going to school in Santa Barbara, California. My hometown. I still lived in Los Angeles. It isn't that far, only about 1 hr 1/2 drive. I would pick her up every weekend for about a year. Next thing you know, 2 years later and we're married. Going on 5 years now. And yes, I've stayed away from her friends.

    My advice to the OP is don't commit to anything until you are both out of school. You're only 19, you've got your whole life in front of you. If after you're done with school and the two of you are still cool with each other and you have the same feelings. Take it to the next step. Remember, you are going to be meeting a lot of women while in school. Keep your options open. If you don't have those same feelings after school, travel the world for a few weeks, months, as long as you can. Trust me, you won't regret it.
     
  17. juicedus macrumors member

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2004
    Location:
    in a van down by the river
    #17
    I'm currently in a long-distance relationship right now; I'm in NC and she's in Poland. We've been seeing each other for about 1.5 years. The only real strain is not being able to see each other on a regular basis, besides that its great. If you both want it to work, you'll find a way.
     
  18. jenn221 macrumors member

    jenn221

    Joined:
    Feb 4, 2007
    Location:
    Louisiana
    #18
    I'm not going to say, "If you're willing to put in the extra effort, it can work if you want it to," cuz sometimes that's just not true.

    I will say this though- if it's not broke, don't fix it. I dated my husband all through high school, and now we're 23 and just got married. Part of it was long distance. He moved down here without me for almost a year before we got married. It's true, you need lots of trust, and phone time. Camera/video phones help :p

    But all through high school, (we started dating when we were 14) people would say,"You should date around, get experience, get it out of your system," etc. and really, I never had a strong desire to do so. Neither did he. I'm glad we didn't.

    If you DO have the desire, however, there's nothing wrong with having second thoughts. But don't break up just because you figure there are probably better fish in the sea. You guys live close enough that if you try hard enough, you could see enough of each other.
     
  19. Keebler macrumors 68030

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2005
    Location:
    Canada
    #19
    well, it seems you've made up your mind. i think that's sad b/c you say she's great and it sounds like you have no other beef.

    2 hours is not very long in distance. a quick bus ride on a friday night and you're there.

    wanting to find someone at the same school for convenience doesn't guarantee anything. if you have someone you enjoy spending time with, realize your luck and stick with her.

    and i have to ask, what do you mean with 'needing more experience'? the only experience (and i don't necessarily mean sexual either) you should be worrying about is increasing the experience with your current gf. grow together.

    i just read an article yesterday about people who have been together a long time have a deeper history of good memories to laugh about. the article went out to explain that laughing and remembering the good times of the past helps reduce stress and strengthen a relationship.

    well, my wife and i (been together almost 17 years and we're just 35), did this last week. 2 kids...busy job for her...not alot of time spent together lately.
    we ended up spending about 30 minutes just spontaneously laughing about our funniest silly past moments. it was great.

    my point:

    if SHE makes you happy (not the long distance...but the actual individual)...if SHE loves you....if SHE makes you feel good about life.

    then don't give up.

    and someone else said it,...get her a webcam and you get one too. that will make a huge difference.

    I would have had alot of fun with that back in the day :) lol

    just my 2cents
    good luck.
    keebler
     
  20. dllavaneras macrumors 68000

    dllavaneras

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2005
    Location:
    Caracas, Venezuela
    #20
    :confused: we need to redefine long-distance then. I live two hours away from my ex's house, and we saw each other every weekend. Heck, some days I would drive over to her house, give her a kiss and a chocolate and drive back home :) You can make it work, definitely!
     
  21. NotFound macrumors 6502a

    NotFound

    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2006
    #21
    I've been in a long distance relationship for about 5 months now. I was really pulling on when I get out of high school moving out and going to college here and having him move up here with me. But about a month ago he got a promotion if he stays one more year at his current job. :rolleyes: So I've got another year of long phone calls at night and spending weekends together. :eek:
     
  22. bgd macrumors regular

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2005
    Location:
    SG
    #22
    How about 12,000 miles? I'm in the UK and my wife and girls are in NZ. We get together about every 8 weeks either here, NZ or somewhere in between. Makes for an interesting relationship and my daughters get a lot of international travel. Not for everyone but works for us at the moment. We had been married for quite sometime before we tried this!
     
  23. NotFound macrumors 6502a

    NotFound

    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2006
    #23
    Is it because of a job? How long will you be doing this?
     
  24. bgd macrumors regular

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    Aug 30, 2005
    Location:
    SG
    #24
    Reasons are a little complicated but job is a factor. I would say another few years. As the girls get more independant I am seeing much more of my wife :)
     
  25. smueboy macrumors 6502a

    smueboy

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2006
    Location:
    Oz
    #25
    Long distance for me was a 28 hour flight.....

    I think it takes a certain type of person/relationship for long distance to work. I can't exactly say i know what that is, because it didn't work for me :( , but you do have to both understand what is involved (discuss what you expect from a long distance relationship) and ensure you speak often (video chat is good too) and see each other regularly too.
     

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