Apple Product Cycle Revealed

Discussion in 'Mac Scene' started by obeygiant, Aug 5, 2004.

  1. obeygiant macrumors 68040


    Jan 14, 2002
    totally cool

    An obscure component manufacturer somewhere in the Pacific Rim announces a major order for some bleeding-edge piece of technology that could conceivably become part of an expensive, digital-lifestyle-enhancing nerd toy.

    Some hardware geek, the sort who actually reads press releases from obscure Pacific Rim component manufacturers, posts a link to the press release in a Mac Internet forum.

    The Mac rumor sites spring into action. Liberally quoting “reliable” sources inside Cupertino, irrelevant “experts,” and each other, they quickly transform baseless speculation into widely accepted fact.

    Eager Mac-heads fan the flames by flooding the Mac discussion forums with more groundless conjecture. Threads pop up around feature wish lists, favorite colors, and likely retail price points. In a matter of days, a third-hand, unsubstantiated rumor blossoms into a hand-held device that can do everything except find a girlfriend for a fat, smelly nerd.

    Apple issues it customary “we don’t comment on possible future products” statement in response to inquiries about the hypothetical new product. Mac fanatics are convinced that they're onto something.

    The haters enter the fray to introduce fear, uncertainty and doubt. How expensive will the product be? Will it support Windows file formats? Will it work with my ten-year-old Quadra 840AV running Mac OS 8.1?

    As Macworld or the Worldwide Developer’s Conference draws near, the chatter builds to a fever pitch. Rumor sites jockey for position, posting a new unverifiable, contradictory rumor every hour or so. eBay is flooded with six-month-old, slightly used gadgets as college students, underemployed web designers and independent musicians struggle to clear credit card space.

    On the morning of Steve Jobs’s keynote presentation, the online Apple store grinds to a halt as Mac-heads set their browsers to refresh every 15 seconds.

    Steve Jobs spends the first half-hour of his keynote crowing about how many iPods shipped during the previous six months and how many “native applications” have been developed for OS X. Attempting to appear as though it’s just an afterthought, he finally introduces the new Apple product. The product has sleek, clean lines, a diminutive form factor, and less than half of the useful features that everyone was expecting. Jobs announces that the product is available “immediately.”

    Five minutes later, the new product appears on the online Apple store. Orders have an estimated ship date that is four weeks away.

    The online Apple store takes 50,000 orders in the first 24 hours.

    Apple’s stock surges as Wall Street analysts proclaim the new device will be “Apple’s savior” and the key to turning around the decades-long decline in Apple’s share of the global PC market.

    The haters offer their assessment. The forums are ablaze with vitriolic rage. Haters pan the device for being less powerful than a Cray X1 while zealots counter that it is both smaller and lighter than a Buick Regal. The virtual slap-fight goes on and on, until obscure technical nuances like, “Will it play multiplexed Ogg Vorbis streams?” become matters of life and death.

    The editors of popular Mac magazines hail the new device as the next great step toward our utopian digital future. Wired News runs exclusive interviews with the Apple design team. Fortune publishes another glowing fluff piece about Steve Jobs, proclaiming him to be the great visionary behind all technological innovation. Newsweek declares the device the new “must have” item for any self-respecting urban technophile. All of this is written before anybody outside of Cupertino has held the new device in his or her hand.

    Business Week publishes an article stating that unless Apple immediately releases a Windows version of the new product its market share will continue to shrink and Apple will be out of business within six months. Mac zealots howl with fury and crash Business Week’s email server with their angry rebuttals.

    In the wee hours of the morning on the initial ship date, as the Mac heads lay snug in their beds or take MDMA and dance to bad music, Apple delays everybody’s ship date by four weeks.

    Rage reigns in the Mac forums. Lifelong Mac users who would never consider purchasing anything made by Microsoft or Dell, regardless of how shabbily Apple treats them, vent their anguish and frustration. Failing utterly to see the irony of the situation, they prattle on until their panties are twisted in knots.

    The rumor sites abound with half-baked theories blaming the shipping delay on everything from heat dissipation problems to SARS. The most obvious explanation, that Apple lied about the initial shipment dates, is ignored in favor of more elaborate and unlikely scenarios.

    the rest is on the site...
  2. friarbayliff macrumors regular

    Jul 20, 2004
    MN / IN
    Ha ha, that's good. I recommend reading the whole thing, not just what's posted.
  3. Sun Baked macrumors G5

    Sun Baked

    May 19, 2002

    This must be the third thread I've seen on this. :rolleyes:
  4. Horrortaxi macrumors 68020


    Jul 6, 2003
    Los Angeles
    I love it! It's only exaggerated by about 3%.
  5. LuserKid macrumors newbie

    Jul 25, 2004
    You know a co-worker showed me this a couple weeks ago and I got a good laugh from it.
  6. dizastor macrumors 6502a


    Dec 27, 2001
    Los Angeles
    It's so true.

    It's our life here at Macrumors.
    The constant wave of rumors, it's what makes us all return day after day... the hope of a fresh, juicy rumor to toss around with our online friends and foes.
  7. 150hp macrumors regular

    Jul 26, 2004
    Door County, WI, USA
    To quote the Simpsons: "Its funny because its true."
  8. Mudbug Administrator emeritus


    Jun 28, 2002
    North Central Colorado
    *whistles inconspicuously*

    darn - we've been figured out. :eek:

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