Can someone explain men please?

Discussion in 'Community' started by Neserk, Aug 14, 2004.

  1. Neserk macrumors 6502a

    Neserk

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    Jan 1, 2004
    #1
    I understand the sexual-partner-companion relationship I have with my husband but I'm lost on the male/female friend thing. Can Males and Females be friends? Or does is it *always* going to have a sexual component when they are both straight?

    We need more gay men in the world. They are the only ones who make any sense to me.

    PS Don't mind me I've had 2 glasses of wine :rolleyes:
     
  2. wdlove macrumors P6

    wdlove

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    Oct 20, 2002
    #2
    I believe that a male and female relationship can remain platonic. There will always be those that stray, it is a sad situation. The homosexual can have problems as we saw in NJ this week.

    I hope that you have a great relationship with your husband. If you are like my wife and I then are very fortunate.
     
  3. jsw Moderator emeritus

    jsw

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    #3
    It's been said many places that straight men can be "just friends" with women to whom they are not attracted. Not true. Men can be friendly to women for whom they have no attraction, but friends? No. Men don't hang out with women they think are unattractive.

    As far as women to whom the men are neutral (not attracted, not unattracted): these women don't exist. Or rather, they exist, but only for the briefest of times. If they were ugly to the man, the man wouldn't talk to them. If they were neutral and uninteresting, then the men would lower them to "ugly". If they were neutral and interesting, though, they'd tip the scales over to attractive.

    Men can be friends to women they find attractive, but primarily because (a) they realize they have no shot; or (b) because they're happy in another relationship. Men who are not happy in a relationship who are attracted to a woman with whom they think they might have a shot always (well, not literally, but almost) want more.

    Two clarifications here: (1) wanting more doesn't mean "would actually try for more", and, importantly (2) attractiveness involves far more than appearance. As with anyone, a real person's attractiveness (as opposed to a remote celebrity's) involves far more than appearance alone.

    I've had three beers - thirsty and nothing else was cold - so I understand your mental state. Sort of. ;)
     
  4. jsw Moderator emeritus

    jsw

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    #4
    Now, in wdlove's case, not only is he happy in his relationship, but he's also a saint of a guy - or else a very evil man who has spent the past two years posting, on the average, once every other hour, day in and day out, in a very tedious attempt to convince us that he's a saint of a guy. ;)
     
  5. jsw Moderator emeritus

    jsw

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    #5
    I'd also note that the inevitable level of flirtation - likely very mild - does not have to have an adverse effect on a male/female relationship (or, more generally, in a friendship where both people are mutually attracted).

    Also, to answer your question in it's most general way, and assuming that, perhaps, you were wondering if you and your husband could be true friends, then the answer is yes. Men and women are capable of true friendships that definitely transcend - or incorporate - a physical attraction. Of course, that doesn't mean all married couples are friends. Many are not - but that isn't because of the male/female thing.

    Gay men are, to some degree, more understandable to women because no one in the friendship needs to worry about whether the other one is attracted to them. Well, that, and they generally have better taste and are funnier. ;) But, in a relationship where the attraction is mutual and acknowledged, it does not have to get in the way of a friendship and, in fact, can strengthen it.
     
  6. vniow macrumors G4

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    #7
    These binary gender themed threads never cease to amaze and confuse the hell out of me.
     
  7. jsw Moderator emeritus

    jsw

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    #8
    If it were rephrased as "can two people who are mutually attracted to one another truly be friends", would it make more sense to you?
     
  8. Stelliform macrumors 68000

    Stelliform

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    Oct 21, 2002
    #9
    There are many women whom I work with who I would count as friends, but I don't think I would go hang out with them. But then again, I am fairly reclusive, I don't go hang out with guys that aren't related to me.
     
  9. vniow macrumors G4

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    #10
    I suppose, I mean its confusing for me since I tried out the male thing, didn't work, never felt quite right, etc. so I tried out the female thing but even that didn't quite fit me like I thought so now I'm more genderqueer I guess. That's sorta why these threads don't make much sense to me because in my experience they're not all that seperate, save for body parts so its weird for me that people are so confused by the other, while I never seemed to have a problem understanding either one, I just couldn't relate to the roles and whatnot.

    Meh.
     
  10. Neserk thread starter macrumors 6502a

    Neserk

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    #11
    My wishing for a gay male friend is because I'm female so I get the benefit of a MALE friend without the complications of a straight male friend ;)
     
  11. jsw Moderator emeritus

    jsw

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    #12
    Well, dress poorly, gain a lot of weight, refuse to cut your hair or bathe, and your problem might be solved. ;)

    Seriously, though, what complications? Surely you can have a friendship with a straight guy without it always causing problems....
     
  12. Neserk thread starter macrumors 6502a

    Neserk

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    #13

    For ME it isn't a problem. I've had predominately male friends since I started Kindergarten. It is an issue for my husband. He insists that men are only interested in one thing. How am I supposed to argue with him when he is a male?

    Because of his insistence these used to be comfortable frienships have become confusing because I have difficulty understanding why this one person could possibly be attracted to me (12 years my junior) which is the case according to my husband's theory. If I go with MY theory it is simply a frienship, no problem.

    Personally? I don't think he is attracted to me. I think I'm a safe person because I am older and am married -- so that is why he is comfortable with me.
     
  13. mikeyredk macrumors 65816

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    #14
    Yea i'm living with a chick this semester coming up. Hopefully it will turn out well...
     
  14. jsw Moderator emeritus

    jsw

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    #15
    It will - as long as the two of you have the same definition of "turning out well". ;)
     
  15. LethalWolfe macrumors G3

    LethalWolfe

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    #16
    Cliffs notes?


    Neserk,
    Is "sexual component" trying to have sex w/you (i.e. hitting on you/would nail you if you became a target of oppurtunity) or is it just t sizing you up as potential<sp?> mating material?

    Can a guy have a female friend and not actively try and screw her? Yes. Can a guy have a female friend and not "size her up" in sexually. No. Of course most guys, especially those in relationships, will deny this. It's reflex. Just like: "No you don't have a big ass." "Yes your are the most beautiful woman in the world." "No I never look at other women." And all the other things we (men and women) tell each other that we both know is BS.

    I have no desire to sleep w/any of my female friends but that doesn't mean I haven't "sized them up." Two different things. Kinda like,every now and then I go to Apple.com or hit the Apple Store down the road even though I have no intentions of buying any thing.


    Lethal
     
  16. jsw Moderator emeritus

    jsw

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    #17
    In the end, it's like any situation where one person has something the other one wants. Sex, money, power, good hair, a 30" ACD. In one way or another, that one-way desire can queer the relationship. When two people don't have a hidden agenda or unfulfilled desired directed at one another, a friendship is easier.
     
  17. LethalWolfe macrumors G3

    LethalWolfe

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    #18
    If yer husband won't shut up about this turn the tables. I'm assuming he has some female friends right? :D


    Lethal
     
  18. jsw Moderator emeritus

    jsw

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    #19
    Well said. We all know what we think of people to whom we feel some attraction. We just don't usually attempt - or even want - to act on it.
     
  19. Neserk thread starter macrumors 6502a

    Neserk

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    #20
    That is what I'm thinking. I think the sizing up is a normal human thing. Heck, I size up women, too.
     
  20. Neserk thread starter macrumors 6502a

    Neserk

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    #21

    LOL... he has limited social interactions. But under ideal circumstances, yes. I'm more comfortable with males for friends, he is more comfortable with females. Go figure.
     
  21. Duff-Man macrumors 68030

    Duff-Man

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    #22
    Duff-Man says...I am a straight, single male...I have many female friends and it has never been a problem for me at all...some of them are what you might call 'good looking" or "hot" (or whatever term you'd like to use) but to me at least, it is not an issue...maybe age has something to do with it too, me being a bit older and (hopefully) wiser now.....oh yeah!
     
  22. howard macrumors 68020

    howard

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    Nov 18, 2002
    #23
    your husband is just jealous and worried someone will steal you away. assure him thats not the case


    men and woman can be friends without being after something else. sexual attraction to friends i think gets kind of turned off though it can be turned back on. Also, you don't have to be physically attracted to your friends. If you try and argue that you have to be physically attracted to someone of the opposite sex to just be there friend, then wouldn't that logic apply to friends of the same sex?...
     
  23. jsw Moderator emeritus

    jsw

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    #24
    Duff-Man, I've seen those women in the TV ads and posters for Duff beer. I think that "good looking" and "hot" certainly apply. They're a bit too two-dimensional for me, but to each his (or her) own. In any event, I suggest you consider the possibility that these women may be using you as a "friend" to help promote themselves within the Duff empire.
     
  24. Neserk thread starter macrumors 6502a

    Neserk

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    #25

    I did :D
     

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