Check out my story

Discussion in 'Community' started by Powerbook G5, Dec 11, 2003.

  1. Powerbook G5 macrumors 68040

    Powerbook G5

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2003
    Location:
    St Augustine, FL
    #1
    Normally, whenever I come up with an interesting story or movie idea, I dismiss it and go on with my day. I generally hate writing and can never sit down to write anything to save my life, but since my exams are over with and I have very little to do until I go home tomorrow, I decided to sit down and just put to paper (or, word document, rather) some of my ideas and see where it takes me. Currently I am up to very well near 30 pages and I am not even close to finishing. The only problem is that I have no clue how it really sounds to others who would be reading it for the first time since when you write something you have a general idea of what you are thinking about and it doesn't always come out the same way to others. I uploaded it to my iDisk folder, which I will have synced to keep the version relatively current as I continue with the story (thanks Panther!). If anyone would like to check it out and provide any feedback concerning spelling, grammar, syntax, storyline, general comments or criticisms, I am up for any and all suggestions. This is my first real story and I am not the best writer, so this is a pretty rough first stab at something new to me. Thanks for your time and I hope you enjoy.

    http://homepage.mac.com/resurgo/Menu2.html
     
  2. CmdrLaForge macrumors 68040

    CmdrLaForge

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2003
    Location:
    around the world
    #2
    I have downloaded it. Will see if I have the time. If so, I let you know what I think - in any case.

    Cheers
     
  3. wdlove macrumors P6

    wdlove

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2002
    #3
    I have downloaded your story, Powerbook G5. Thank you for the link. I like the opening picture. Will take time to read it later.
     
  4. Stike macrumors 65816

    Stike

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2002
    Location:
    Germany
    #4
    Here is another one who downloaded it. Will read it most probably tomorrow.
    I am already impressed by your advancement of 30 pages...! Ooops, I just saw the spacing and the font size ;) forget my comment :p

    ;) Will comment soon, though :D
     
  5. FightTheFuture macrumors 6502a

    FightTheFuture

    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2003
    Location:
    that town east of ann arbor
    #5
    looks like an easy read. i'll give you my 1.5cents when i get to it.
     
  6. Powerbook G5 thread starter macrumors 68040

    Powerbook G5

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2003
    Location:
    St Augustine, FL
    #6
    Yeah, I have it double spaced/size 14 because otherwise size 12 can be pretty wearing on the eyes when trying to read over and edit with Word on my PowerBook screen. I'll probably take it down to 12 when I finish and print it out, though. Either way, it's the longest anything that I have written so far so it's pretty cool getting a story down since usually I dismiss ideas due to lack of motivation and sheer laziness. Thanks for any feedback, I definitely like hearing input.
     
  7. Kingsnapped macrumors 6502a

    Kingsnapped

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2003
    Location:
    Los Angeles, CA
    #7
    Man, I really wish I could read that. Curse my Windows (ME) machiene. Curse it and it's final week to live.
     
  8. Stike macrumors 65816

    Stike

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2002
    Location:
    Germany
    #8
    Hey Powerbook, I have read all that now so far.

    The "chapters" do not really deserve the name, but you most probably know that. What I found a bit bad was the pacing of the stories. Put them tighter, make it easier to read, mix easy sentences with complex ones.
    Mostly you are writing in a really interesting colorful style, always using metaphors and describing the surroundings, but here you miss a very important factor: You don´t give the characters enough time to grow, they mostly appear just like "Random Guy A gets killed" and the reader does not really care about that guy.
    The only thing that really got me was what happens to Sara towards the end. Too bad, she started to grow on me ;)
    This is a major problem with your story. Give the characters more time to develop, make it less confusing by giving hints that make the reader think that the story was progressing. Spend more time in the feelings of the characters and describe them less dramatic. Let the audience feel the characters. Be one of the characters. Play and talk with them. The story will only benefit of that.
    And one more thing ;)
    Think about what the characters would really do. If someone is severly wounded and someone is standing by, he will help instantly, especially if that guy is a cop. If he instead just is standing by and cries and watches his friend bleed... now, this is odd.

    Anyway, I would be interested how you would wrap up the story. Nice effort for a beginner, though :)
     

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