Communication problem... how much is enough?

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by wimic, Sep 25, 2006.

  1. wimic macrumors regular

    wimic

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2006
    Location:
    calgary, alberta
    #1
    Okay... so any of you who just read the "checking girls out" thread that i just posted must think i'm a basket case... i assure you - i'm not! i'm just not particularly busy at work today! ;)

    i'm a extrovert... plain and simple - i wear my heart on my sleeve and if i have something on my mind, i talk about it. my boyfriend, however, is not the same AT ALL!

    he stuffs things down inside him like there's no tomorrow. he doesn't talk about things that hurt him or worry him because he thinks that if he acts like it didn't happen or isn't there, it'll go away. we've gotten into some serious arguments where he refuses to talk to me... even in a way that's constructive.

    if we get into an argument i'll spill my guts and tell him what i think, but he won't budge. i'll ask him what he thinks and he constantly and insistently says "i don't know"... almost like he's trying to make it all go away without dealing with it.

    he and i have some great conversations about cars, sports, people, etc... but when it comes to talking about us or our life or anything with more depth than tangible things he freezes up. he's told me that i'm not going to change him, and it seems that in order to get any kind of reaction out of him (good or bad) i have to put our relationship on the line.

    it's almost like he doesn't feel like he needs to put the extra effort in because he knows i'll never break up with him.

    anyone else ever have a problem like this before?
     
  2. srf4real macrumors 68030

    srf4real

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2006
    Location:
    paradise beach FL
    #2
    My wife was the same way when we were dating... stuffing it all inside and then after six months of buildup... WHAMMO! I thought things were going ok until she let off her steam.:confused:

    Before I married her I explained that I was going to need to know what is going on with her everyday so I don't get some "I want to divorce" from her out of left field. Communication is KEY to our successful relationship, because I don't think like a girl, and she doesn't think like a man...

    Now instead of letting stuff dissappear into the black hole and exploding later, she makes sure to nag me every day like I asked. Seriously, gotta talk about the deep stuff because it is what glues us together in the hard times.
     
  3. wimic thread starter macrumors regular

    wimic

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2006
    Location:
    calgary, alberta
    #3
    i think we're kinda on the same page... but with my bf it's like it doesn't resurface at all. he puts it away and that's where his issues stay. he's the most calm, cool and collected person when we're arguing... he just won't give me ANY feedback at all. i feel like he could have huge issues with us and i wouldn't know about it.

    it's frustrating as hell
     
  4. srf4real macrumors 68030

    srf4real

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2006
    Location:
    paradise beach FL
    #4
    Human nature is to let things slide instead of confronting real issues, but I got my mom's sensitive qualities so I express how I feel often. I'm not unique, but I think most men don't want to rock the boat if it's not sinking...
    Just hope all that stuff doesn't come up as ammunition in a big tiff! You probably don't need to press the issue, if he treats you well and shows respect he's a better man than most...:)
     
  5. jamone80 macrumors regular

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2006
    Location:
    So Cal
    #5
    i think most guys keep their emotions to themselves for two reasons:

    a) generally speaking, men are socialized to be straightforward and decisive. we have the tendency to rationalize everything and that doesn't leave much room for the ambiguities that come with emotions.
    b) or it may be a defense mechanism. the guy may not want to express certain emotions because it makes them seem vulnerable. maybe a girl or someone significant did a real number on them and they dont wanna experience that again..

    not that i'm saying this is healthy but just something that i've noticed. if u wanna get him/her to spill their emotions, you have to be patient. its gotta be on their terms, otherwise they wont budge.
     
  6. XNine macrumors 68040

    XNine

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2005
    Location:
    Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?
    #6
    Okay, doll, this isn't meant to be rude, but: You just don't get guys.

    Men are hard-wired for certain things. Women others. We're practically different species when it comes down to the differences in how a man's mind and a woman's mind works.

    If he doesn't want to talk about it, then he doesn't want to talk about it. If he looks at girls, he's always going to look at girls. He's a man. that's what men do. We're also prone to watch tough sports (Hockey), watch awesome movies (From Dusk Til Dawn, Reservoir Dogs), dig machinary, and like steak, and unlike women, we can pay a compliment to our fellow man and mean it without thinking "you ******* slut" and really mean what we say ("Damn, that's a kick-ass lawn mower!"). We also have a sex drive that cannot be rivaled by any other being. We're men. That's what we do.

    It's not that his lack of communication is a problem (at least to him). He may find it prying and annoying that you keep hammering on something. I know that I don't want to talk about a lot of things with my girlfriends, friends, parents, or even God (or insert your idol/belief/non-belief here) for that matter. And if that's the case, we expect not to talk about it and not have it brought up. If it's something we feel we need to discuss, then we will.

    And it's not that he doesn't want to be open with you, or love you, or share with you. It's that some things for us a better locked away in a box. I don't know why it is, but it is.

    Take that to heart and realize that it's not just him who does it. Us men have a tendency to be like this, and it's just a fact of nature.
     
  7. MultiM macrumors 6502

    MultiM

    Joined:
    May 9, 2006
    Location:
    TO. I've moved!
    #7
    Onizuka is dead bang on! Guys are very different. If I don't talk about stuff, then there isn't an issue. If you want a good insight, read "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus". There's a lot of good stuff in there. For example, when my wife complains about work or whatever, I just listen (it's hard, but I do it) and I don't try to 'fix' it for her.

    We're not all THAT complicated, just don't read too much into what isn't said. Good luck.
     
  8. Silencio macrumors 68020

    Silencio

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2002
    Location:
    NYC
    #8
    And you managed to distill all the salient points that I could have prattled on and on about into one convenient sentence. Well done! (you ******* slut! :D)
     
  9. rdowns Suspended

    rdowns

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2003
    #9
    Oni, you hit the nail on the head!

    BTW, will probably be in Denver the week of 10/9. I'll let you know once I book it.
     
  10. vniow macrumors G4

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2002
    Location:
    I accidentally my whole location.
    #10
    I dispute this. ;)
     
  11. rdowns Suspended

    rdowns

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2003
    #11
    Prove it!
     
  12. XNine macrumors 68040

    XNine

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2005
    Location:
    Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?
    #12
    Oooooooh buddy. Have we got some drinks to get. :D

    And vniow, just because women can have multiple orgasms, doesn't mean their sex drive is greater than a man's. 54% of Men think about sex, according to the Kingsey Institute, every day. 43% of women think about sex weekly. Thus, we're just horny bastards. And like my buddy downsy said: PROVE IT. :p
     
  13. wimic thread starter macrumors regular

    wimic

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2006
    Location:
    calgary, alberta
    #13
    Not to sound like the typical disagreeable female... but I have to disagree too. Not to say that my boyfriend doesn't have a good sex drive - but I have a way more active one. I think about sex, in one way or another, multiple times a day... some days, even multiple times an hour.

    Perhaps I'm perverted, perhaps I'm a nympho... who knows. I just like it a hell of a lot more than most women I guess.
     

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