Critique this poem for me....

Discussion in 'Community' started by PlaceofDis, Aug 11, 2005.

  1. PlaceofDis macrumors Core

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2004
    #1
    i am an avid writer, i have tried this before, maybe i will get a better response this time around, but please post your comments, ideas, or whatever you want.... feel free to rip this poem to shreds if you wish, i actually just wrote it and am wondering what everyone things about it.

    ***


    Incomplete by T. Klein

    So... what do you make of those inconsequential stars?
    lingering, muttering in the back-alley streets -
    of something old, something lost, or something.... rather indifferent
    at least to our precarious entanglement, my dear.
    And all i have to say:
    "please don't let go" under a muttered breath and content sigh
    "please..."

    As i look up seeing the gilded stars run away,
    afraid of this vibrant color,
    with my eyes closed next to you i have found this tranquility
    in my perverse chaotic solitude
    and all i want to do is become lost in your lips

    "please...."

    thoughts mix with memories... and but one constant is found...
    a persistent image of you - the long-gone stars will return tonight,
    but your eyes are so far away, but there when mine close

    "please..."

    Finding myself tossing, turning, running, hoping to find that embrace.
     
  2. CanadaRAM macrumors G5

    CanadaRAM

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2004
    Location:
    On the Left Coast - Victoria BC Canada
    #2
    A few items of spelling
    "inconsequential"
    "at least", or "at last"?
    "contented"?
    "gilded", as in coated with gold, or "guilted" - not really a word but in keeping with their voyeurdom
    "long-gone" maybe?

    It's attractive, I'm going to mull it over a bit and get back to you.

    It might be even more powerful without the last line at all.
     
  3. PlaceofDis thread starter macrumors Core

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2004
    #3
    i guess i should read over things i type :eek:

    fixed the first two spelling issues, the third i want a tense shift there, and yes it is supposed to be gilded..... and i like the long-gone much better, thank you!

    i was wondering about the last line, it does tie things up a bit too neatly...
     
  4. PlaceofDis thread starter macrumors Core

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2004
    #4
    no one has anything else to say huh? a shame, i was hoping to get some feedback, even if it just made you smile or cringe or whatever..... oh well :(
     
  5. mad jew Moderator emeritus

    mad jew

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2004
    Location:
    Adelaide, Australia
    #5
    I think it's pretty moving but maybe that's just because I have way too much empathy on the subject. :(

    My only issue with it (and I'm being picky) is that it seems a little difficult to read out loud. In particular, the first stanza doesn't really flow off the tongue as well as I suppose it could. In particular, the words "inconsequential" and "precarious".

    Having said that, I still really like your work. :)
     
  6. PlaceofDis thread starter macrumors Core

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2004
    #6
    Thank you mad jew i wrote it about a certain someone who i am obviously interested in right now, debating whether i should give it to her or not at this point.... when reading it aloud, be sure to take a good pause at the ellipses and a short one at the end of most of the lines, it has a good rhythm to me at this point
     
  7. mad jew Moderator emeritus

    mad jew

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2004
    Location:
    Adelaide, Australia
    #7
    Yeah, I've got no problems with the rhythm so much as the words "inconsequential" and "precarious". I just think they don't quite fit. They don't do the poem justice. But I can't think of any alternatives off the top of my head, so I really am just being very picky.
     
  8. PlaceofDis thread starter macrumors Core

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2004
    #8
    well the best i could come up with to replace "inconsequential" would be either one of these:

    1. trivial
    2. irrelevant

    however, i can't seem to find any words that fit for 'precarious' but i could try to change 'inconsequential' it does make it a bit clumsy the more i read it, precarious just seems to fit more than anything else i try though
     
  9. MacDawg macrumors P6

    MacDawg

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2004
    Location:
    "Between the Hedges"
    #9
    I too, like it better without the last line... for what its worth

    It has good emotion to it, sounds like you feel it


    Woof, Woof - Dawg [​IMG]
     
  10. CanadaRAM macrumors G5

    CanadaRAM

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2004
    Location:
    On the Left Coast - Victoria BC Canada
    #10
    "insignificant" instead of inconsequential? insular, insensible?

    Read it to a friend (who is also grappling with a precarious entanglement of his own ... including a 8,000 mile separation) and his reaction was. "Woah!" Then when asked to comment he thought it could maybe flow off the tongue a little easier with some simplification. (he related instantly to perverse chaotic solitude, BTW) He asked if you were nervous about your new beloved running away like the stars?

    I love "precarious entanglement" - don't change that whatever you do.
     
  11. PlaceofDis thread starter macrumors Core

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2004
    #11
    hmmmm i like the insular, that could definitely work, ill have to give it a try. i am going to axe the last line in the final version i believe. and yes i am nervous about losing this girl, she is amazing in my eyes, but i have yet to fully find out how she feels about me. we share a lot of interests and get along, she's two years older, and we are both in some rocky times in out lives. we are taking things slowly and we shall see how they develop, but she is unlike anyone else i have ever meant as cliche as it may sound, i just don't want to lose her

    i think "precarious entanglement" is here to stay... and i am glad to hear that people connect this this poem, means i have touched a note in their lives, feel free to keep or send out copies, just be sure to attribute writing to Timothy Klein, or you can link it here
     
  12. njmac macrumors 68000

    njmac

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2004
    #12
    \

    I really enjoyed your poem PlaceofDis. I read it twice even :)
     
  13. PlaceofDis thread starter macrumors Core

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2004
    #13

    thank you, and i might as well give myself a shameless plug, check out www.eonapocalypse3.blogspot.com for more of my work (also linked in my sig.)
     

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