Donating my Sperm to a lesbian

Discussion in 'Politics, Religion, Social Issues' started by revenuee, May 14, 2005.

  1. revenuee macrumors 68020

    revenuee

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    #1
    Today i was approached by a lesbian co-worker about donating my sperm so that she could have a child.

    this raises a moral decision for me. I always thought of myself as being liberal. Homosexuality has never bothered me, i am very much a proponent of gay marriage, i say if two people are in love let them get married.

    but this is something that i am having issues with.

    i don't mean to insult anyone here, i am simply looking for guidance in my decision

    i feel that if i support gay rights, then i should have no problem here. But for some reason i feel like i am doing an injustice to the child because i feel that a child should have a female mother, and male father.

    i know this does raise issues of gender vs sexuality.

    But i fear that a child that grows up in an environment where it has two mothers, or two fathers, will suffer ridicule from bigotry.

    Children from broken homes, single parents, tend to suffer through life emotionally <-- i worry that this child wouldn't have a healthy start.

    again, i don't mean to be insulting --- i'm just looking for guidance
     
  2. CanadaRAM macrumors G5

    CanadaRAM

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    #2
    Your beliefs in support of homosexual people in no way obligates you to take this action or not, and deciding not to doesnt reflect on your ethical position. It's not a matter of whether you "should" or "should not" have a problem with this.

    The decision is yours whether you want to father a child, and specifically, a child with this woman. Quite different from the knot you have tied yourself into about support for gay rights.

    There is of course legal stuff for you to look into re: paternity rights and obligations. The couple always have the option of anonymous donor, it is flattering that they think so highly of you.But the child will carry your genes, so you have the right to say no or yes. Don't let the perception of being politically (in)correct cloud your decision about whether you want the responsibility of fathering the child -- this is no different of a decision to whether you and a girlfriend will conceive if your relationship is not in your opinion a stable or suitable one for raising a child.
     
  3. revenuee thread starter macrumors 68020

    revenuee

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    #3
    however, i question if i would have this same problem had it been a straight couple where the father is infertile.

    and here lies my main issue
     
  4. Sayhey macrumors 68000

    Sayhey

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    #4
    The issue is whether the child will be raised in a loving home; not whether the child has two mothers or two fathers. There are a countless number of very well adjusted children raised by gay and lesbian parents. To surrender to the bigotry of what others might say is a horribly lame excuse. If you don't won't to do this for your own personal reasons, it is your right - but what others might think of a loving lesbian couple just shouldn't enter into it. Of more import should be what kind of relationship, if any, as the biological father you want to have and what the couple would want you to have. I realize this is an intensely personal issue, but you asked for guidance, so that is my two cents worth. Regardless what you do you should take the fact you were asked as a compliment.
     
  5. James Philp macrumors 65816

    James Philp

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    #5
    The real issue is not whether you support gay rights or not!
    Supporting gay rights should not be the main thing you worry about.
    For example, even if you yourself was gay, I'm sure you'd still be having moral issues on this subject!

    Have you talked about how much of a part you would have in the child's life?
    How would this affect you, being, effectually, a Dad, either with contact or without?
    What happens in the long term when the child may want to find you and you may have a family of your own? How do you feel about this moral obligation?
    What is your relationship with the women in question? Are they life-long friend or likely to move/you move?

    This is a very serious issue, and really down to YOU and NOT them. You can be a homophile and still have major issues.

    If it were me, I'd seriously think about the long term, and really, being a father to a child i may never know, or may come find me later in life.
    Of course there are issues for the child, i.e good upbringing etc, but right now, it's how YOU feel, morally.

    Please don't be arm-wrestled by homophobia or alike, the issues at hand here are FAR bigger.

    Chin up :)
     
  6. CanadaRAM macrumors G5

    CanadaRAM

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    #6
    Yes, I do agree that the decision with respect to donating to a straight couple would/should be the same --- the bottom line though is whether revenuee believes the child will be brought up in a good environment, for whatever reason he believes it, and whether he wants the responsibility of bringing this child into the world. He will want to spend some time exploring the reasons he believes so, which he is doing here

    R, you obviously have some reservations, and are trying to rationalize them into or out of existence. The reasons you stated may not be the underlying cause of your hesitation. There's no rush to say yea or nay until you understand your own feelings about this better, and are secure in your decision. No need to defend or explain the decision either, whichever way you go.
     
  7. jefhatfield Retired

    jefhatfield

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    #7
    i was approached when i was in my mid-20s and though i was flattered, the situation of a woman/lesbian raising a child herself as she planned to do seemed less than ideal

    if the woman had a steady long term partner, then i would definitely consider it more but in reality, she was out of work a lot and had a major drinking problem

    i know a gay (male) couple who had a young teenage relative who got pregnant as a teen and the couple took the baby in...the whole family was happier that the child stayed in the family so the birth mother could see the child whenever she wanted to...the couple was financially well off and owned a house in a nice neighborhood in the fairly tolerant bay area region in northern california so the situation was as ideal as possible for a gay couple raising a child

    a committed gay couple raising a child who has a sense of home is a lot better than a child being raised by a straight couple who are in the midst of constant chaos, substance abuse, and physical abuse

    we live in a society that is quickly gaining acceptance of gay couples and while it is unlikely that an openly gay person will be president anytime soon, there have been openly gay congresspeople and local officials
     
  8. James Philp macrumors 65816

    James Philp

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    #8
    If I were you I''d look into going to see a specialist (psychologist) with the two women in question in order to thoroughly find your feelings.
    Please see a professional, the advice here is always somewhat removed from the situation and subjective.

    This issue is bigger than any Mac OS or Apple peripheral, this is YOUR life man, for the REST of your life!
     
  9. James Philp macrumors 65816

    James Philp

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    #9
    This is true, but this is a child that is being conceived for a completely different reason. This child will not be there were it not for the wishes of the couple in question.
     
  10. tristan macrumors 6502a

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    #10
    My mother "came out of the closet" when I was fourteen. I left the house at fifteen and stayed with friends and extended family for a few years until my grandfather realized what was going on and took me in. Needless to say, I had a lot of emotional problems during that time that didn't clear up until I hit my early 20s, and school and college were completely derailed.

    Not telling you what to do, just showing what can happen when a kid doesn't feel comfortable in the environment they're raised in.
     
  11. Xtremehkr macrumors 68000

    Xtremehkr

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    #11
    If you have any doubt in the matter, I wouldn't do it.

    Did she give you a delivery option though?
     
  12. Ugg macrumors 68000

    Ugg

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    #12
    I agree with those who say you should consider first and foremost how you feel about donating your sperm and what kind of relationship you want with the child. That has to be the first decision you make. The fact that they approached you must mean they think highly of you.

    Then you can start thinking about the same sex parent ramifications.

    Where do you and your friends live? Is it a liberal accepting community? Do they plan on staying there? If it's the kind of community where violence against gays is prominent, then you might well have valid concerns. How out is the couple, do their parents accept their situation and the child as their rightful granddaughter? How long have they been together? is it a long term and stable relationship? Do they have the income to raise a child? Will one of them stay at home until the child starts school? What about their siblings, their co-workers, etc, etc. These are all valid questions and ones that you should be asking. To bring a child into the world is a weighty proposition and shouldn't be taken lightly.

    Tristan has a valid point but it wouldn't apply in your case. Coming out
    after one has children, especially when they are in their teens must be very difficult for everyone. But, if the couple is out to the world then the child most likely isn't going to have any problems as their reality won't be shattered. Unless of course one of them decides to marry a guy.....

    Good luck, no matter what you decide, it seems as though it could be one of those clarifying moments in life.
     
  13. zimv20 macrumors 601

    zimv20

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    #13
    technically, the child would. but you've left out more from your post than you've included. e.g.
    1. what would be your role, if any, in the child's life?
    2. at what point would the child, if ever, be told of your role?
    3. what is your financial responsibility, both according to the potential mother and the law?
    4. what sort of legal document would you be required to sign?
    5. what would be the ramifications of you, later in the child's life, deciding you wanted more or less involvement?
    6. what would be your legal relationship with the child? (any parental rights? is the child a dependent? [tax considerations, insurance considerations, inheritance considerations, et. al.])
    7. would your family know? would your parents want grandparent rights?
    8. what is your legal recourse if you decide the child is not being raised properly?
    9. what is your relationship to the woman? how would it change after she has your child? how might it change in 20 years?

    ...and others...

    these are the things i'd be thinking about in your shoes, and the things that would give me pause, regardless of how flattered i would be, and regardless of how much i approve of children being raised in non-traditional households.

    good luck with your decision.
     
  14. revenuee thread starter macrumors 68020

    revenuee

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    #14
    i really appreciate everyone's input ... i particularly like the professional advice suggestions

    i would just like to familiarize everyone with me as person

    i'm 20 years old, i go to school full time, and i work part time in a few places

    i would only be a biological influence on this child. At least that's the kinda of relationship i would want.

    It really does scare me to think that i would father a child at 20, i mean, i'm still a kid too ... this is a major decision

    there are so many factors to consider, i've never thought about having kids of my own, so this is hitting me really hard.
     
  15. zimv20 macrumors 601

    zimv20

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    #15
    my personal experience, and what i've observed, is that people change A LOT during their 20's. what you're prepared to accept now wrt a parental role may be completely inadquate 10 years from now.
     
  16. Blue Velvet Moderator emeritus

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    #16
    There's your answer right there.

    I'm not going to repeat the excellent advice that others here have already given you, esp. the legal implications. I think in your heart of hearts that you're not ready for this.

    After all, what do you have to lose by saying 'No'?
     
  17. mpw Guest

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    #17
    If I had any doubts I wouldn't do it.

    There are just too many things that could go pear shape and ruin too many lives.

    If this couple want a child they'd be better off using an agency to limit their knowledge of the father and avoid any(some) complications that might arise later if any party was to have a change of heart.

    Of course they could choose to adopt a child already born but in need of loving parents who otherwise might miss this opportunity.
     
  18. rockthecasbah macrumors 68020

    rockthecasbah

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    #18
    I am quite a liberal myself, but as said before, this issue is your ethics of what you think would be best for the child. For me, as long as the child would be loved and grows up in a healthy environment, it shouldn't matter who the parents are. However, I feel like you really are the father in some sense, and should in time have some obligation to that child; whether it be just an introduction or a wonderful relationship, the child should know you to at least understand the situation.
     
  19. James Philp macrumors 65816

    James Philp

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    #19
    It's important to think or your future. When you're 30 this child will be reaching 10, and may want to find you. By this time you may be married with children yourself.
    Even if the child is brought up well (and by "well" I mean their parents are honest and open too) they may want to find their father anyway. Would this be something you would be happy with?
    I'm only 23, and I think I've changed heaps since 20. I have a long-term g/f (2 years now) and still the idea of a Kid (in any manner) scares me!

    From your second post I can tell you have doubts. Really if there are any doubts in your mind, I wouldn't do it.
    Hey, it may be the best thing you ever do, or it could be the worst, but if you do it it'll be there for the rest of your life.
     
  20. revenuee thread starter macrumors 68020

    revenuee

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    #20
    that's right ... it would be the rest of my life. and the idea of this child trying to find me when it's in its teens has crossed my mind a lot.

    i really didn't get much sleep last night ... i hung out with a friend of mine and talked to her through most of the night.

    along with a few things she said, and the kind's of questions you guys have been asking me --- that maybe what i need to do now is sit down with a list of things i should ask the parent(s) to be, and determine the best interest in the child ...

    what i do know i want for this child is two parents ... as long as there is stability in the family, you guys are right, same sex really doesn't matter ... but don't want this child to have a single parent ... it's hard for any kid seeing their parent change partners.

    i really do appreciate everyone's input ... this is not a decision that i can make over night,

    this is huge, this affects so many more people then just me, and that's a lot more then i'm use to ...

    thank you again everyone
     
  21. pseudobrit macrumors 68040

    pseudobrit

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    #21
    Personally, I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't want to father a child I myself wouldn't raise as a father.

    How old are the women?
     
  22. revenuee thread starter macrumors 68020

    revenuee

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    #22
    26 and 28 i believe
     
  23. James Philp macrumors 65816

    James Philp

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    #23
    You seem to be saying all about the child, this is not the important thing. It is you that's the important thing. I doubt you are the only option this couple have to try and conceive this child. If you are not comfortable, do not do it. Explain your reasons why not (mine would be planning to have a family of my own, not ready for a child, no matter what my involvement would be) and that's it.

    You have nothing to apologise for - this is huge for you only right now. If you say no, just explain why and you should be able to stay friends. There are many other ways this couple could go, from adoption (which I see as the most generous way - as all adopted children have been given up already) to a "sperm bank" or just asking someone who is more comfortable, older and who would jump at the chance (maybe?!)

    It's not about the child right now - these two people might be Mother Teresas for all we know, but that still doesn't mean YOU should do it.

    Go see a pro, either by yourself (they will expose feelings you didn't realise and give advice that is experienced) or with the couple. When you're on your death-bed do you want to be wondering about the child you never met or wished you'd never had?
     
  24. pseudobrit macrumors 68040

    pseudobrit

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    #24
    That tilts it in favor of yes. If they'd been your age I'd have said flat out no way.

    No one has their head on really straight until they're past college age.

    Then again, you are college age, so I still must say it's pretty much a no. You're just too young to make such a decision right now.

    Can they adopt? There are so many children in need of a good home. It's a depressing commentary on our society that gays are typically forbidden from adopting and must instead bring new life into the world.
     
  25. James Philp macrumors 65816

    James Philp

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    #25
    I really think age is a very poor judge of this. People can be bad parents at any age.
    With this I fully agree
     

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