Dr. Phil's Words of Wisdom (as seen on The Late Show with David Letterman) 1. Do you realize that you can't play the game of life with sweaty palms? 2. Sometimes it's hard to see your own face without a mirror. 3. Perfectionism itself is an imperfection. 4. You know your authentic self when you know who you truly are. 5. If you're standing on a hot highway, you try to get off on the cool grass. 6. It isn't about dreams, it's about a real clear plan, a timeline, and having some outcome criteria. 7. It is what it is, the only time is now. 8. I've had a vasectomy, and I've had it reversed! 9. I wanna be Miss America. 10. I'm gonna go back to my boyfriend when I get home. 11. I do yell at my children and I don't know how to stop. 12. I'm not even remotely qualified. 13. From this point forward I want you to start living as a gay woman. 14. Do you want a piece of me lady? 15. You're fat, stupid, and a pig. 16. Are you nuts? 17. So I'm telling you now, I've had an affair. 18. You bastard! 19. You're not worth the trouble. 20. Oh, I'm just casually taking heroin. 21. Don't think you don't know what you don't know, only you know that. 22. Don't give me that sarcastic crap! 23. Cookin' is women's work. 24. If I have to cry, then I'll cry. If crying doesn't get it done, then alright, I'll start choking. 25. Boy, if I could get my hands on you. 26. I would eat Coco Puffs if I got hungry enough. 27. You say another word, I'm gonna fine you ten thousand dollars a word. 28. Don't you ever talk to my wife that way again. 29. A year from now, you're gonna weigh more or less than what you do right now. 30. I'm offering you sex. 31. I'm ready to throw up. 32. (to a young girl) You're not a good person. 33. I consider myself to perhaps be the worst marital therapist ever. 34. You just have no redeeming qualities...no...nothing. 35. I know one woman who cannot close her eyes. 36. When I was like...4th, 5th, 6th, 7th grade, I raised pigeons. 37. Put some leaves in my mouth and set 'em on fire. 38. You've gotta kiss my ass now that I've got this money. 39. Disaster is gonna befall you. 40. You're a bitch! 41. The day's OK, and then I smoke dope and get over it. 42. Kids hate me. 43. I want you to make two separate trips to the cemetery. 44. Quit interrupting! 45. Daddy loves you. 46. You can't fire me, I quit! 47. Yeah, whatever. 48. (talking to a man) I want you to know I love you and I think you're special and I'm gonna tell you that a lot. 49. I'm a drunk pimp. 50. I don't care what I weigh! 51. I hit my head and I was dizzy. 52. I can't believe you aren't happy for me, you wretched bitch. 53. You don't wanna be here, trust me. 54. I've been miserable for 40 years. 55. You're driving me nuts. 56. What a complete and utter load of crap! 57. I can't believe that she would have sex with you at all! 58. I find you boring. 59. You're just dumber than a rock. 60. Get horny and call me. 61. What? 62. I'm a three-time loser and destined for a life alone. 63. I in fact pick on weaker kids because I think it's funny. 64. I'll beat the crap out of you. 65. I don't know what I'm doing. 66. Call your wife a bitch. 67. Ninety percent of people are stupid. 68. You know what? I'm a big boy. 69. I couldn't care less. 70. Are you people deaf? 71. I was absolutely insufferable before you married me! 72. I think I got the flu. 73. Just lock the door and take a bubble bath. 74. Why don't you shut up? 75. You couldn't be any dumber if we cut your head off. 76. Hey, look at me! 77. Duh. 78. My ears are getting red. 79. Jay Leno is one of my favorites. 80. Let's not hurt me, I'm a princess. 81. I'm wondering if you got a hole in your head. 82. One of us is a fool. 83. Somebody is trying to kill me. 84. When I spit at my mother, bad things happen. 85. You are smug and insincere. 86. I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared, can I get in bed with you? 87. Come on. 88. Hell, I don't know. 89. You're a loser. 90. You just are worthless. 91. You're crazy. 92. Just wanted to let you all know, I'm insane. 93. I'm not actually bald. 94. I am so boring and so dull. 95. I want you to change, so do it. 96. Call your wife a bitch. 97. Are you people deaf? 98. I'm smug and insincere. 99. I'm not even remotely qualified. 100. You're a big fat goony-bird. Which one is your favorite?