errr im having a boy problem

Discussion in 'Community' started by little-pea, Aug 18, 2005.

  1. little-pea macrumors newbie

    little-pea

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2004
    Location:
    canada
    #1
    i feel like an ass. so... basically i dated the love of my life for 3 years... but it wasnt a good relationship.... we were young, he wanted to be as free as possible and i wanted to settle down. over time the trust broke down and all i had was anger and resentment. eventually i grew a spine, and told him that a girl can only be let down so many times before she decides to run. he continued to dick around and i left. he was desperate to get me back that eventually the ending of us resulted in something horrific. and still i left.

    after 6 months of anger i finally went to therapy and came out of denial. i was still in love with him. then one day a few weeks ago, i got a voicemail, and i thought it was him. so i emailed him and it turns out it wasnt him but he wrote "ever since you emailed me, i've been in shock, and all i've wanted to do is call you and meet up to talk.... but i dont have the guts..." so we've been casually chatting on msn. and one day i had this feeling of wanting him back. i freaked out and told him everything of how i feel and that i dont think i can handle being his friend because i love him and i want to be single.

    im no saint. i left him to be with my friend. we decided that things werent working.

    so. here's the problem. i love him. i think i would like to be with him in the future. the problem is, before my freak out and confessional outburst, he was kinda sending me nice "yes" signals. now after my proclaimation of wanting to be single, he's sending me "kinda - no - yes?" messages.

    argh im so selfish.

    i dont really expect someone to comment... i just want to vent it out.... but if anyone has good sad self pitying songs, that'd be great.

    current one on repeat - divine brown - old skool love.
     
  2. mad jew Moderator emeritus

    mad jew

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2004
    Location:
    Adelaide, Australia
    #2
    Drop what you're doing and get back with him! You both love each other dammit! It's obvious. :)
     
  3. kalisphoenix macrumors 65816

    kalisphoenix

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2005
  4. little-pea thread starter macrumors newbie

    little-pea

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2004
    Location:
    canada
    #4
    please tell me. i feel like im crazy.
     
  5. Mechcozmo macrumors 603

    Mechcozmo

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2004
    #5
    Look at yourself. Is this really the love of your life or just a feeling you have? Age has a lot to do with this.

    If he isn't... well, move on. If you keep getting back together and breaking up again it will end badly with hurt feelings all around.

    You've got one shot at being happy in your life. Will you be happy with this guy or will you be happy knowing this guy?
    Big question, no answer but yours.
     
  6. leekohler macrumors G5

    leekohler

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2004
    Location:
    Chicago, Illinois
    #6
    Run from this guy like your life depends on it. He's not the one for you, trust me. You need a different type of guy.
     
  7. mad jew Moderator emeritus

    mad jew

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2004
    Location:
    Adelaide, Australia
    #7
    Am I the only one who thinks these two should give it another chance. Sometimes a break can make the world of difference IMO. Maybe it's just from my own personal experience, but I think you should give it another go. :)
     
  8. little-pea thread starter macrumors newbie

    little-pea

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2004
    Location:
    canada
    #8
    see i dont know if i feel this way because im single for the first time, and its something familiar. age does have a lot to do with things. when he was at this age, i couldnt get it, now i kinda understand where he was coming from.

    hmm i guess what i want is to be single, but to know that what we had wasnt completely lost... because despite the anger, when i was angry, i was still madly in love.
     
  9. leekohler macrumors G5

    leekohler

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2004
    Location:
    Chicago, Illinois
    #9
    Yes, you are. I was in a five year relationship that sounds a lot like this one. It definitely does not deserve another go. It's been going on for 3 years and there are way too many problems. Let it die.
     
  10. kalisphoenix macrumors 65816

    kalisphoenix

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2005
    #10
    I think she should go out on one last date with him and pour liquid laxatives in his drinks. Nothing will solve your infatuation with a person faster than seeing them @#$% their drawers.
     
  11. mad jew Moderator emeritus

    mad jew

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2004
    Location:
    Adelaide, Australia
    #11
    Granted, there's a lot of merit in holding off for a while or even dating different guys for a little while and then trying the original guy out again.
     
  12. iBlue macrumors Core

    iBlue

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2005
    Location:
    London, England
    #12
    being the "love of your life" means very little towards what is best for you and what will work out long term. i have had the infamous "great loves" (3 of them) and i still think about them, one in particular, but i know that we would've never had a healthy long term relationship, we were too alike. he was amazing and changed my life forever but it was not *right*

    look at what's best, not just what felt or feels powerful. loving someone is one thing, but being with them is just another. you decide. {{{hugs}}}
     
  13. kalisphoenix macrumors 65816

    kalisphoenix

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2005
    #13
    iBlue might have a euphemistic name, but she speaks the truth. Personally, I'm an atheist anarchist cynic, and I'm marrying an agnostic naif with moderate political/economic leanings. We get along great.

    I disagree 1000%. Loving someone is being with them. Love is support, honesty, attention, not writing your names together in a notebook or sharing a passionate kiss and an unskilled fondle. Loving someone is a course of action, not an emotion.
     
  14. iBlue macrumors Core

    iBlue

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2005
    Location:
    London, England
    #14
    there are so many different kinds of love, if you only believe in the fairy tale kind, you will always be disappointed. so i realize nothing is perfect but i also look to what "should and shouldn't be" in the scenario - ...and if you think loving someone is enough to be (best) with them, please explain to me what is so wonderful about all the women who love their husbands who beat the crap out of them and their kids every day? love is not enough and it is not always what's best. sorry.

    you may have misunderstood the last line of my post however... it was in direct reference to the part that you agreed with.
    signed, also athiest and cynical... and always a realist.
     
  15. Lacero macrumors 604

    Lacero

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2005
    #15
    Obviously there's too much BS'ing going on in this relationship. You need to cut out all the BS if you are to be two peas in a pod. Of course, this is what I gather from your post so if I am wrong, and I rarely ever am, then my apologies.
     
  16. kalisphoenix macrumors 65816

    kalisphoenix

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2005
    #16
    I can speak just fine for myself; there is no need to put words in my mouth.

    Please stop begging the question. It's irritating. I simply defined love; like any behavior, there are circumstances when it is appropriate and circumstances when it is inappropriate, judged coolly.

    What is so wonderful, indeed!? What's noble about loving someone who obviously doesn't love you? More to the point, what is wonderful about being devoted to someone who damages you in every way? A retributivist would say that this is unjust to both parties -- the wife and children get worse than they deserve, and the husband gets more than he deserves. And that's what I'd say too -- this is a situation where love is an inappropriate response.

    Just like any other behavior, there are circumstances when it is appropriate and circumstances when it is inappropriate.

    <off-topic rant>Why do people always apologize when saying things like this? Like, "sorry to break the cold hard truth to you, my pre-pubescent, inexperienced waif of a debate opponent, but life is really hard :( I think that you are incapable of either deriving rational conclusions from your life experiences or perceiving the fabric of reality from your sheltered, upper middle-class suburbanite existence. Please go volunteer at the Salvation Army for a weekend before debating the weighty issues of human interaction with someone as worldly as me." God!</off-topic rant>

    I'm not sure that I agreed with anything you said -- I was being somewhat ironic in that part. I tend to believe what psychological research says -- that birds of a feather flock together. Despite the differing facets of our personalities, the fundamental aspects are very similar.

    Redundant.

    So tell me: who loves his wife more? The man who is so afraid of losing his wife that he must physically intimidate her into staying with him, or the man who respects his wife's autonomy and is secure with her? The man who drinks at a bar and cries while telling the bartender how much he loves his wife, or the man who works day in and day out to support his family?

    External display of emotion means nothing -- Hollywood makes billions off of convincing (more or less) displays of emotion. Saying "I love you" means nothing. Some yearning feeling you have for Billy Joe and your soft sighs as you contemplate the two of you walking hand in hand... nothing. Your behavior is all that matters.
     
  17. iBlue macrumors Core

    iBlue

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2005
    Location:
    London, England
    #17
    :rolleyes: calm down... this isn't about you and i or whatever argument you are trying to make or start with me, it was (at least for me) about giving my opinion as asked to the orignal poster in hopes it would help.
     
  18. xsedrinam macrumors 601

    xsedrinam

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2004
    #18
    Is this why Counseling Centers and Self Help sections in bookstores are thriving? :)
    X
     
  19. rainman::|:| macrumors 603

    rainman::|:|

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2002
    Location:
    iowa
    #19
    i've always found that old connections are a bad way to waste time, because it keeps replaying the same way. then you get obsessed about the mere idea of them, and suddenly you're stuck with someone who's just not right for you. That said, I dwell on all my ex's often, and wonder what I'd do if I heard from them. Including some I never really got over. But I'm glad they don't call, because I know things would rekindle, and I KNOW that would be bad.

    just my thoughts on my own experiences
     
  20. Eevee macrumors 6502a

    Eevee

    Joined:
    Aug 10, 2004
    Location:
    New Haven, CT
    #20
    little-pea

    You probably want to stay away from him for a while since if you go back to him the vicious cycle just repeats itself. He's not ready to settle down and you are.

    Try to find new hobbies and make new friends, clear your mind. This helps.
     
  21. revisionA macrumors 6502

    Joined:
    May 27, 2005
    #21
    The grass is never greener.

    If you are not happy in one thing leave it, but not for another.

    Because you send different signals when you are single than when you are taken, sometimes people are more attracted to the happy, satisfied, somewhat completed you... not the looking for love you.

    Straight up.

    $
     
  22. macartistkel macrumors 6502a

    macartistkel

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2005
    Location:
    Portland, Oregon
    #22
    OH I am going through my own tragic relationship problems right now and I personally think you should get back with him and stop messing around with this other guy. My man and I have been just ended a 4 1/2 year relationship. HE DUMPED me and it has killed me and caused me so much confusion and pain. This is actually the seventh time he has wanted to leave me. I also said if he did this again to me then I would do anything I could to get over him once and for all instead of waiting patiently by the phone for weeks for him to call me...BUT unfortunately my new plan is not working out for me. No matter what I do I am madly in love with him. He insinuated that he wanted to work things out with me again, but I KISSED another guy and now I am hanging out with the guy sometimes "just as friends" but obviously we flirt with each other--it helps make me not think of him BUT it sucks and I know its a rebound so I am actually hurting this guys feelings in the process, BUT what do I do until my EX figures out whether or not he wants to get back together??? I am right here waiting and I will be waiting forever it seems because I feel hopeless.

    Anyway, HANG IN THERE and to work it out with the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE!!!
     
  23. CanadaRAM macrumors G5

    CanadaRAM

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2004
    Location:
    On the Left Coast - Victoria BC Canada
    #23
    Have to read between the lines here - I hate to be excessively blunt but if the guy was dipping in other fishponds during your three year relationship that you thought was exclusive, then he is 1) not committed in any way shape or form 2) heedless of your feelings, and 3) a medical risk to you :eek:

    If he is interested in getting back with you, you have to think long and hard if you are going to be a convenient recreation for him in between other couplings. And geeze: he switches from "yes" to "maybe" as soon as he hears you're interested in committment? Oi. Pay attention to the way the wind is blowing, grasshopper.

    I submit that you're not in love with him (who he is), you're in love with how things could be with him if he settled down, treated you right, didn't cheat, didn't make you angry and basically was someone completely different than the person that he has so far demonstrated that he is.

    The fantasy that someone will change into the person you want them to be just because you're so much in love with them is 999/1000 doomed to being shattered by reality.

    And "love of your life" -- respectfully, but how do you know? You're what, early 20's? You have 60+ years and 10,000 people to get to know before you can pronounce that as truth. Not denying that there was strong emotion - even life altering world rocking passion - on your part -- based on the ACTUAL results however, this dude is not it. He DID NOT reciprocate.

    I'm perfectly willing to admit I may be completly wrong in your particular situation.
     
  24. XNine macrumors 68040

    XNine

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2005
    Location:
    Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?
    #24
    Pea, I'm in a relationship much like yorus was. I've been with her for over 2 years, and my loyalty is deteriorating. I haven't cheated on her, and I won't.

    But, all I wanna do is go out, have fun, sit around, play Halo 2, do some artwork.

    But here's the catch. She lost all of her friends when we started going together (because they were jealous of us) and she just lost her job.

    SO, I either play the role of concerned guy, and help her through these times, and wait for my time to tell her that I'm not happy anymore, especially since everything I do for her ends up unwanted and unnoticed, and suffer through all of this

    OR

    I turn out to be the *******, tell her I'm not happy, and I don't want to be with her anymore, and then she ends up God knows where and never talks to me again, although she proclaims I'm the love of her life.

    My point, ditch this guy. There's a lot more out there. I just want to casually date now. Sex, hockey games, and dinner. That's all I want. And I'm sure that's what this guy wants. Leave him be, and find someone better than him. I'm not perfect, and not necessarily a great guy, in fact I don't ever deserve happiness, but at least I can admit it, and help others who have relationships with guys like me.
     
  25. absolut_mac macrumors 6502a

    absolut_mac

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2003
    Location:
    Dallas, Texas
    #25
    I'm no expert, but this December my wife and I will be married 26 years.

    As one wise sage said, the best way to think of trust and integrity is like virginity, once it's gone, it's gone and it ain't never coming back.

    You trusted him and he abused your trust. Forget him because now it's time to move on and find someone who will appreciate you for all that you have to offer.

    He will never mend his old, cheating ways, and he's happy that you contacted him so that he can use/abuse you some more.

    There's almost 5 billion men out there. Just be patient, and you'll find the right one. Good luck.
     

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