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Discussion in 'Community' started by carbonmotion, Apr 5, 2004.
you should at the very least get yourself away from her. maybe that will give her time to think about how she has been acting. people deserve to be treated a lot better than what you're getting from her.
nice people don't think about themselves as much as they do others sometimes. although its good to be selfless you still need to look out for #1. be fair to yourself as well as her.
best advice I can give not knowing either of you.
Shoot her. Bury her. Problem solved.
Have you tried sitting down and talking the problem over with her?
She probably wants to dump you, but hates going through that, and so is being mean to you until you dump her. So help her out.
But, communicating a bit about it is good advice. And no, marriage shouldn't be like that.
i totally agree with this one, talking gets things out in the open that if left bottled up can lead to being pissy and stuff like what you're describing here.
well, the difficult part is, to solve anything, it will take time. we aren't machines with dipswitches that can be flicked on and off to change behaviors instantly. so the first thing is patience.
ups and downs are a part of any real relationships. if there aren't any downs, then you aren't in a relationship - you are in a dream or just hiding stuff really well.
the key is to find a relationship with ups and downs you can work with. it's not good to "put up" with a relationship that's so incompatible that you are always having problems. but it's also not good to give up too quickly on a relationship without giving some time and effort in dealing with ups and downs...
talk to her about how you feel. don't put her on a defensive, though. just tell her how you feel and give her a chance to reply without being judgemental. if you two can't even talk, then, well, perhaps you have a bigger problem than patience can solve...
she could be just pushing you away because she wants to end the relationship but doesnt want the blame of ending it...
you should try talking to her first though...
Okay, to be serious, she could have some sort of major problem in her life--at work, at school, Who knows? And she may not want to share it with you or is afraid to share it with you. So she's consciously/unconsciously trying to drive you away.
I knew a coupleI really liked both of them. The girl had had a lot of boyfriends. The guy had had only a few girlfriends. But they were an outstanding match for each other. However, the girl started pushing him away, giving him the cold shoulder. He was really confused. Fortunately, she got a grip on herself, realized that she had been dumping men all her adult life because she was afraid to trust them, afraid to open herself up like that. She realized that she was trying to blame him for imagined things he hadn't even done to her, to give her an excuse to leave him. She realized he hadn't committed any of the slights or offenses she had imagined in her mind. She apologized, recommitted, and they're now happily married.
after surviving several long-term relationships, and succeeding (thusfar) in my 3.5 year relationship, i'll call that qualified to answer. Unfortunately, it's going to be the same answer as anyone else, the one you don't want to hear: communicate, communicate, communicate. From the way it sounds, your relationship is headed towards breakdown, pretty damn fast. If you want it to succeed, it will require work (just like any relationship-- they don't just happen), you're going to have to find a non-threatening way to express this, without making her defensive (this will require some practice in itself, and perhaps a few failed attempts). Listen, she knows there's a problem, she just doesn't want to come right out and say it-- but one of you has to, and it doesn't sound like you know what the problem is. It could be something simple like, no matter how many times she asks you to stop leaving underwear on the bathroom floor, you still do it, and she's fed up. Or, it could be something more serious, like she's having an affair. With women, you can't always assume that the absense of sex means she's getting it elsewhere-- they're good at tempering themselves to punish you No matter how bad the problem is, she owes it to you and your relationship to discuss it openly, and work towards resolving it. She can't be any happier than you are...
Best of luck...
Trust me dude, she is acting that way because she wants to break up. Dump her butt, and go get some strange.
You must strike first, make us proud!
I assume from your post that you two live together. I'm not condemning that, but it usually over-complicates a good thing. My best friend moved in with his girlfriend of four years, and the whole thing went down-hill from there. Six months ago she moved out, they both dated around for a while, but now they're together again...Happily together.
They've both told me that it was the total lack of alone time that made them both a little extra irritable. Maybe you could move back into the dorm, and try just being a bit more casual for a while. It's worked before.
If you really love her, than stick with it, but if you just like her, do yourselves a favor: end it now.
well if it persists i would drop her in a heartbeat, but have some fun with her for a while. just ignore her for the time being and see how she responds. also how long have you been with her, depending on how long you have been with her can easily change my response.
This is true in my relationship. Usually when my girlfriend acts like this it's because something is bother her (work, family, etc). As previously mentioned you need to sit down and talk to her about this. If she keeps insisting she doesn't want to talk about it you may not want to press the matter as that will probably only make it worse. If she truely cares about you she'll come around and talk to you about soon after since she knows you tried to help.
Living together does put a strain on any relationship since you ususally discover things you never knew about the person. If you are not ready for this, then perhaps it's better to take a step back and live separately for awhile until you two are ready for that commitment.
well unless you enjoy defending yourself in a relationship forever and being accused stay with her. if not, drop her and find a cool chick who has better things to do than accuse her boyfriend all the time.
Dude...don't take it too hard. Girls never make any ****in sense...and theres nothing you can do about it. Either really try to talk it out with her....or spend a while somewhere- anywhere else- just to try to let things calm down, if she's still acting this way, then quit hurting yourself over it and end the relationship.
Trust is a necessary part of a relationship. Have you given her any reason to distrust her? Ever cheated? Any reason to suspect the things she's accusing you of? If she can't trust you, and you've proven trustworthy, she sounds like she has some issues of her own to deal with. You should definitely pursue the course, try and discuss with her why she thinks this, but don't bow to her (such as, stop seeing friends), because that will just placate her and make you miserable. She needs to understand that any man she's with will need his own space, and that she'll need to trust him in that space... She just needs to decide whether you're that man or not, because if it's not you, this will just happen to the next guy. If you have enough of a commitment, I'd suggest either couples counseling (a session or three, nothing heavy) or private counseling for her (this is what i would lean towards). This is assuming you can't talk things out.
Living together can be a challenge, but i don't think that's what's causing this mess. Although maybe she felt that once you moved in together, you would change your life to revolve around her. This is unrealistic...
Some of you people, by the way, give really bad advice. really, really bad advice. i'm looking at you, iJon and IIvan. This idea that relationships don't require any work to maintain is juvenile and naive. Can I ask how much experience you have on this topic?
I think you may have gone wrong by asking if she wants to break up. To her it probably sounded like YOU may have wanted to break up. You should just ask her nicely if there's anything wrong since she doesn't seem like herself. Sorry if I sound like the "Monday morning boyfriend".
Lack of sex in a relationship isn't necessarily a punishment. More often, sex is just the last thing a gal wants to think about when she's stressed, either over the relationship or other outside factors. It's hard to be a sexy vixen when you're exhausted, worried, or anxious. In fact, I'd say that's a human thing, not a woman thing.
Sounds like your girl has some serious security and trust issues...also keep in mind that her fears of you cheating on her could be an outlet for something else. You've probably (I would hope!) already given her all the reassurance you know how to that you aren't cheating and wouldn't...if that hasn't helped then thoughtfully and sincerely ask why she thinks this, and be prepared to really listen to the answer. Don't try to "fix" her worries or problems, just give her the chance to get them out in the open and off her chest. That might open up some of the real problems.
I'm curious...why do you say she is trying to "emasculate" you? It's an interesting choice of words when referring to fears of unfaithfulness.
relationships are not worth even trying if there is no trust between the two people involved. i know of a couple who completely can't trust each other to be alone for more than an hour. they call each other while they are at work to make sure that they didn't lie and say that they were going to be working to go have sex with someone else instead. it's really sad and totally not worth the hassle.
if i was in that situation, being the trustworthy person that i pride myself in, i would tell her that if she can't trust me then she's never going to be able to trust anyone and i don't want to have to deal with that... so she will either need to get it through her head how devoted i am or else get the BLEEP out.
i hate to do this, but...
she could be projecting... maybe she is cheating on you and distrusts you because of what she is doing... that would explain the lack of sex and bitchiness...
i dont know... but it is a possibility... she got upset when she thought you were breaking up with her... girls like to have thier cake and eat it too...
don't ask her if she wants to break up! geez...
tell her how you've been feeling about how she's been acting. then let her respond. ask her why she thinks you've been cheating on her. then let her respond. any other issues she raises, ask her why and let her respond.
you need to ask her real questions that lead to real dialogues. yes/no questions like "do you want to break up?" are definitely not the way to start a dialogue...
don't ever be someones punching bag even for a short time. its a fast route to low self esteem. refuse to be dumped on if nothing else.
That's what I was thinking too. Either she is scared and wants to break up, but can't do it herself, so she pushes you away. Or she's cheating on you. I had an ex do this. She got all weird, avoided me, was overly nice to me one minute than bitchy the next. Started accusing me of cheating and getting jealous of all my friends. The little warning signs go up.
Somebody acting that weird is either insecure or is projecting due to guilt. If you've given her no reason to think you're cheating, you need to find out why she's doing this.
And if she doesn't want to talk about it and just puts it back to you, there's something going on there.