Good/Funny Answering Machine/Voicemail/Answerphone Messages

[patrick0brien]

-All

What's the funniest/coolest/cleverest/favorite Answering Machine/Voicemail/Answerphone Messages you've heard, or even done yourself?

"Hi, you know what to do, and when to do it" >beep< -unknown

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!" >beep< -A very dear friend

"<whispered> I see gone people" >beep< -Another very dear friend

"pblbtpblbtpblbtpblbtpblbt">beep< -A friend



In college my roomate was a cop, he told me that the worst things you can say on an answering machine were 1) telling them your name, 2) telling the caller your number, 3) and that you aren't at home. Well, here's what I did...

EDIT: Replaced text of messages with audio links:

One from a few years ago (this one is a bit manic)

My current one (Got a few more years under my belt - a bit calmer)

 

[SilentPanda]

A long time back I found all the AT&T voice pieces in a set of .wav files. I made an answering machine message that said,

"I'm sorry... the number you have dialed xxx-xxxx is no longer in service. You can reach your party at their new number, 911."

Something to that affect. I don't think many people even got to my phone number before they hung up. I changed it shortly thereafter.

 

[OutThere]

You can have fun playing with sounds from here

http://www.thisisarecording.com/

to confuse people.

 

[al3000]

I did one once where I just said "hello?" - then paused for a few seconds and continued ... Quite a few people said they started talking before being interrupted by me telling them to leave a message!

 

[jelloshotsrule]

nothing too crazy in terms of actual content, but my brother and i recorded our message in irish accents a while back, which was quite fun. we fooled plenty of people (i'm sure had any true irish folk called, they'd have vomited at the poor accent impersonations!)

 

[Jaffa Cake]

I did one once where I just said "hello?" - then paused for a few seconds and continued ... Quite a few people said they started talking before being interrupted by me telling them to leave a message!

I've heard messages like that before – although they've kept on saying "hello?" a few times (louder and louder) to make you think that they've actually answered the phone but they can't hear you.

It seems to entertain them.

 

[Mitthrawnuruodo]

I don't actually have an answering machine or voicemail or whatever, but I would have had this one: Hallo?

 

[patrick0brien]

Holy crap! I just found the recording of a fraternity brother's voicemail from college! I'll post EDIT: Right now...

EMan's voicemail

 

[w_parietti22]

My friends is like. "Hello?" ... 2 seconds later... "Hey! Whats up?

I get fooled by it every time!

 

[patrick0brien]

Got a new one today:

"I am home, and I am listening, so make it good." >beep< -A coworker

I think that'll be my next one...

 

[CompUser]

parents friend:
"Hi, you've reached larry- you know what to do <beeep>"

family friend
"Our new years resolution was to stay home more and answer our phone, but I guess we're not doing that. Leave a message after the beep <beeep>"

Ours:
Choppy Prerecorded man's voice "Hello, Please leave a message after the tone <beeep>"

My Cell Phone:
(verizon lady voice)- "Hello - 'Erik' (my voice) - is currently not available. Please leave a message after the tone. To leave a callback number press 5. <beep>"

 

[MongoTheGeek]

I did one once where I just said "hello?" - then paused for a few seconds and continued ... Quite a few people said they started talking before being interrupted by me telling them to leave a message!

I did that one once. Pissed the hell out of the telemarketers. See they have an autodialer which listens for the first bit of the phone call. If its something a person says then it hands the call to a person.

For a while I also started answering the phone like an answering machine and got all sorts of people just hanging up on me.

 

[treblah]

The first thing I thought of. George Costanza's answering machine message.

 

[patrick0brien]

family friend
"Our new years resolution was to stay home more and answer our phone, but I guess we're not doing that. Leave a message after the beep <beeep>"

-CompUser

Oh that's good. I think I'll seal that.

 

[Josh]

"Hi, you know what to do, and when to do it" >beep< -unknown

I hate when people do that, as if it is original or witty or something.

Though not original nor witty, this one always cracks me up:


"Hello?......Hello?....I'm sorry, can you speak up please, I can barely here you....What's that?...I'm sorry, we're not home right now, please leave a message and we'll get back to you soon....<BEEP>"

 

[jelloshotsrule]

I hate when people do that, as if it is original or witty or something.

dylan is the only one that can pull that one off so smoothly.

 

[w_parietti22]

The first thing I thought of. George Costanza's answering machine message.

HAHA! Thats hilarious!

 

[stonyc]

The first thing I thought of. George Costanza's answering machine message.

That's exactly what I thougt about too.

I like the "Hello? <pause for a few seconds>", caught a few people talking to the answering machine with that one.

Other favs..

"Beep!" <followed by the machine's actual beep>

"Hi mom, hi dad.. <girlfriend's name> is not here." <girlfriend in background> etc., etc.

 

[njmac]

this is Dylan, you know the drill

 

[Sharewaredemon]

My friend found a recording of a man rifling off purposely confusing voice mail instructions.

It's really fast, and he keeps saying numbers and number combinations... I wish I had it....

 

[jelloshotsrule]

this is Dylan, you know the drill

bingo

 

[Stampyhead]

My 12 y/o niece put on her cell phone message, "Leave your name and number. If I love you, I'll call you back." Although not earth-shatteringly funny, it was cute the way she said it.

 

[imacintel]

This is mine:

Hi!

You have reached me!

And If you want me to get in touch withya, you better leave a message


To leave a message, here is the first task:
Press 1, 2 or 3 or wait for the friggin beep.

Hope you have a better day than mine!

 

[Kwyjibo]

In college my roomate was a cop, he told me that the worst things you can say on an answering machine were 1) telling them your name, 2) telling the caller your number, 3) and that you aren't at home. Well, here's what I did...

Thats probably good advice for a home phone, but at the same time, I don't think it applies to a cell phone really.

That being said, until I have a job I can't be too funny.

I used to have a longer message aimed at keeping people from leaving messages ... but I hate getting voicemails for the most part. One summer I had my little cousin start singing take me out to the ball game, I cut him off after a few lines, but it was just my version of satire against parents who have their kids sing, and it was pretty funny.

 

[Thomas Veil]

"Hello. No one's home and the answering machine isn't working. This is the refrigerator. Please leave your message with me and I'll stick it to myself with this magnet. Thank you."