Grandma needs advice from you young folks..

Discussion in 'Community' started by winwintoo, Feb 20, 2005.

  1. winwintoo macrumors 6502

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2003
    #1
    14 yo grandson spent the night. He didn't log off his account on my PB. He's on *probation* for trouble he got into last fall and not allowed contact with certain of his former *friends*

    I knew he had been on a site called hi5who'son and he even posted his picture there last night. He wasn't hiding this activity from me so I let him go ahead - a kid needs some fun right?

    Well, this morning, just to reassure myself, I checked his history and found - you guessed it, after I went to bed, hi5 was abandoned and *teen porn* took over.

    Now, considering that his parents are already stressed to the max, he's in trouble with the law, he's attending an *alternate* school and seems to be aimlessly wasting his life, what should I do.

    Confront him? let it go? take him down to the local stroll and introduce him to some of the *women of the night* so he can see first hand the devastation? tell his parents and let them handle it? kick the snot out of him and threaten him with castration if he ever does it again?

    It's not the porn itself that bothers me, its that he knows - or ought to know - that this is hurting his chances for digging himself out of the s#Itload of trouble he's already in.

    Help please........

    Margaret
     
  2. wordmunger macrumors 603

    wordmunger

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    North Carolina
    #2
    Given all the trouble he's been in, sounds like teen porn is the least of your worries. I think just about any kid with free access to the internet is going to succumb to the temptation that's so readily available everywhere.

    I have a 13-year-old, and we do not allow him access to the Internet when an adult is not in the room with him. This may seem a bit harsh, but it's really the only way to know what he's doing. At some point, we'll give him more freedom, but not until he *shows* us he can handle it. Sounds your grandson still has a lot he needs to show to you and his parents. Good luck.

    As for his current situation, I recommend confronting him. How harshly you treat him depends on your relationship with him as a grandparent. You might want to simply discuss it with him and remind him of the fact that many women are coerced into pornography (cf. the recent "Deep Throat" documentary). My son was shocked and appalled when he learned that.

    I would be uncomfortable with our kids' grandparents attempting to discipline them, but I'd be happy if they would help offer a sane perspective to the all the temptations out there in the world.
     
  3. virividox macrumors 601

    virividox

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    #3
    i dont think u need to worry too much about porn
     
  4. winwintoo thread starter macrumors 6502

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    Nov 26, 2003
    #4
    Thanks, those were my thoughts too. I have tried to be a "neutral corner" for him and his parents during these troubling times and I want to keep my home as a safe place for him to visit.

    I'll have a chat with his parents about what I found and let his Dad handle the respect for women angle.

    I should have realized he wasn't mature enough to be left alone with the temptation of the internet. In future, I'll put the laptop out of reach when I'm ready to retire at night.

    Take care, Margaret
     
  5. angelneo macrumors 68000

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    afk
    #5
    I don't have any kids so I just offered my perception when I was a teenager. I think confronting him agressively might caused him to rebel even more and also by telling him what to do, what not to do. Letting him experience the devastation might be a better idea. I guess the idea is to let him have a role model, someone he respect and look up to, to guide him.
     
  6. cleo macrumors 65816

    cleo

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    #6
    I don't know if you've already talked to his dad, but to me, it seems that ratting him out is going to cause some major resentment and your home will no longer be neutral.

    Perhaps you should confront your grandson in a caring way. Tell him that you found what he was looking at on the internet, and you're not mad. Tell him that you understand that he's interested in what girls look like, and that's normal, but that exploring his curiosity through porn is really harmful to women. Maybe you can make a deal with him that, in exchange for you not telling his parents, he promises not to do it again, but if you find that he has been looking at porn again, all bets are off.

    I work with a number of "troubled" tweens, and it's been my experience that when they're 12, 13, even 14, they can still be reached and turned around; the biggest thing they need is an adult who they perceive to be on their side. Kids that age still want authority, direction, and protection, but they're old enough to feel like they should have some power over things. I find that striking deals -- and following through, either way -- can be enormously helpful.

    And, I don't know how "cool" and sex-positive you or his parents are, but you might consider buying him an art book of nudes (a favorite of mine is Naked Happy Girls) so that he can sate his curiosity in a positive, healthy way that gives him a more accurate portrayal of the female body.
     
  7. leekohler macrumors G5

    leekohler

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    Chicago, Illinois
    #7
    Do NOT rat him out over porn. The first thing we in this country need to get over is our sexual hang-ups. My most embarrassing moment was trying to explain why Janet Jackson's exposed breast was such a big deal when I was in Berlin last February. Europeans just don't see the problem and think we're ridiculous. And you know what? They're right.
     
  8. stubeeef macrumors 68030

    stubeeef

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    #8
    My kids are still young, and I worry about the years to come. I don't have the answers, and my actions might be wrong, but I would....

    A- Not rat him out

    B - discuss what trust is, ie, he trusts you not to rat him out, and you should be able to trust him to use your computer responsibly.


    Good luck, that is hard.
     
  9. rainman::|:| macrumors 603

    rainman::|:|

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    iowa
    #9
    I agree that porn is not high on the list of problems... Teenagers have been indulging that one for decades, it's mostly harmless (of course the size of the internet can lead to porn addiction, but that's a whole other thing). I think it's a great idea to try to be a "neutral corner"... It's entirely possible to be a friend to him, without (outwardly) reacting, judging, or punishing him for anything he tells you, without being an "enabler", which is what most people are afraid of. Don't put pressure on him-- Just tell him that you're there if he wants to talk, and that you're not simply a puppet for his parents. He may not take the opportunity to reach out, but you're a hell of a good grandmother for trying. Adolescence can be a real trip, thinking with impulses and hormones instead of logic. Maybe he's gotten himself in bad habits, or maybe he's just a perfectly normal kid in a phase. I just know that I found a lot of help in the few adult friends I had who would speak to me like a person at that age... Good luck.
     
  10. mgargan1 macrumors 65816

    mgargan1

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    #10
    Agreeing with what most people here are saying... the porn is not an issue (directly). It's the fact that he's lying to you about it. If he really wants to look at naked people... lets face it, he's going to. So, instead of flat out busting him... I would try to show him that you know where he went. Get on your computer with him. tell him that you want to show him a cool website, and then go into your history... and happen to "stumble" upon it right in front of him, and see what his reaction is. Don't get upset over porn, that's useless, get upset at the lying and deciving... and thinking about him doing stuff on YOUR computer!
     
  11. virividox macrumors 601

    virividox

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    #11
    this is good advice

    i think if you have a talk with him yeah it may be a bit embarassing maybe for the both of u, but it will work out better than blowing the whistle right away.
     
  12. winwintoo thread starter macrumors 6502

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    Nov 26, 2003
    #12
    Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm glad I was up early enough this morning to have some space to reflect on the magnitude of this *problem*

    When he got up and grabbed the computer, I reminded him that we had an understanding about his computer use and therefore today would be a "no computer" day because of that. He just got all red in the face and said OK.

    I also reminded him of my agreement that what happened here stays here the first time - unless it's a good thing, in which case I make sure to pass it on - and he's learned to trust me on that score.

    I managed to get on that "hi5" site and found his profile and suggested he clean up the language and he said he would - I saw him doing that and then he left the computer and he seems ok with the world.

    The other kids are here too so I can't really get into a big conversation with him today, but an opportunity will present itself I'm sure.

    Take care, Margaret
     
  13. Chip NoVaMac macrumors G3

    Chip NoVaMac

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    Dec 25, 2003
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    #13
    My concern is what you say is *teen porn*. Just how explicit was the material. Did that material possibly break any number of laws?

    In the end, you have do have an opportunity build some trust and communication with him that may be missing from his parents. I know that some of my relatives were "cooler" than my parents, and made me a better individual for the open communication.
     
  14. rainman::|:| macrumors 603

    rainman::|:|

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    #14
    90% of internet porn is billed as "teen porn". They take 18-20 year olds and make them look like high schoolers. In this case, probably a lot more normal than a 14-year-old looking at 30 year old women...
     
  15. Chip NoVaMac macrumors G3

    Chip NoVaMac

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    #15
    Granted, but there are many sites that say their models are of age. but are not. Also there are sites that someone can be led to from the mentioned "legit" site that could be questionable. More than one person has been prosecuted for child porn (even those that did not visit a site directly themselves), thinking that the pictures were of "of age" people.
     
  16. pseudobrit macrumors 68040

    pseudobrit

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    #16
    Sounds like you need to log out before going to bed. Make sure your password(s) are secure.
     
  17. Roger1 macrumors 65816

    Roger1

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    Jun 3, 2002
    Location:
    Michigan
    #17
    You may not have to tell his parents, but he DID violate your trust, and your neutrality. If you decide to not tell his parents, I would suggest setting some ground rules, such as no Internet. I would also suggest installing something on your machine, such as netnanny. I think Apple offers something like that, but I'm not sure.
     

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