how do you cope with losing someone you love?

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by bassproguy07, Nov 21, 2008.

  1. macrumors 6502a

    bassproguy07

    Joined:
    Aug 13, 2008
    Location:
    Katy, TX
    #1
    Im not talking death here so keep those comments out, I'm talking about losing a girlfriend/boyfriend that you love more than anything. Me and my gf have been together off and on for 3 years, and shes the love of my life. We recently broke up over some stupid crap, and she tells me she still loves me but she doesnt want to be tied up. Shes not sleeping around or dating someone else, shes not like that at all, but it seems we are drifting apart. She has stayed home this semester for family reasons, but she is wanting to go to a school next semester far far away. I honestly don't know what I would do without her in my life, we live in somewhat of a small town, and everything I see reminds me of us. Being broken up has been really hard on the both of us, but probably harder on me.
     
  2. macrumors regular

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2007
    #2
    i'm sorry to hear that. if you guys did break up over "stupid" issues, perhaps another go at making it work is worth it.

    i find that a lot of girls (girls feel free to comment) just really need to feel secure. with where they are and where they're going.

    i really don't know what you guys are going through, but i do wish you the best.

    in terms of coping, i'm not sure what i can offer. for me, i'm a christian, so i find a lot of peace in prayer and reading the bible. perhaps, you can find the same.
     
  3. macrumors 6502

    Joined:
    Dec 2, 2005
    Location:
    San Diego
    #3
    This is not meant to be insulting, but if you can't cope with the fact that she might be going to another school far away and can't see how you can handle this, it doesn't sound like the foundation between you two was that strong. My girlfriend did school for a year in Rome (I'm in the US) and now is at UCLA doing her PhD (I'm in San Diego). Granted, UCLA isn't far from San Diego, but she also considered Northwestern Uni, etc and that would have been fine. We went from seeing each other every day to now seeing each other about every 2 weeks. It's really not that bad, I have my own things I'm doing in school to keep me plenty busy and so does she. When we do see each other, it's great and distance really does make the heart grow fonder or whatever.

    I find the best way to solve these problems that you're having when you're alone and depressed is gather a bunch of friends and go to a pub. Guinness really does make everything better.
     
  4. 7on
    macrumors 601

    7on

    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2003
    Location:
    Dress Rosa
    #4
    If it were meant to be then it's meant to be.

    How old are you? You sound pretty young. If you love her, what's stopping you from moving to the college with her? Sounds like she might be falling out of love with you and just don't want to hurt you and is using the "don't want to be tied up" stuff to make you feel better.

    Cope? Play some WoW or get an Xbox360! :p
     
  5. macrumors member

    Joined:
    May 27, 2008
    #5
    Dude, to get over this you have to understand that all woman have the same thing between their legs. I'm not trying to be a dick here, but trust me it will get better. I'm in the middle of a divorce and as soon as I understood that, I was pretty much good. She probably still has feelings for you and thinks your a great guy, but your just not what she wants. To be honest she probably doesn't know what she wants yet, and wants the flexibility of being single to explore. Not necessarily be a whore or anything, but a relationship can make a person feel trapped. Take this time to do the things you couldn't do when you were taken. Go get laid if your confidence is damaged. But, DO NOT think this is ALL your fault, and don't get hung up on the WHY's. Don't ask why, why, why, just know that there is a way cooler girl out there. If absolutely necessary seek help, but for Christ's sake don't hurt yourself over a girl. Take care, good luck.
     
  6. Guest

    calculus

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2005
    #6
    Similar surely rather than the same...
     
  7. macrumors G5

    leekohler

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2004
    Location:
    Chicago, Illinois
    #7
    I would let her go. It would be good for you to move on to a different school as well. Being in a small place can be suffocating. You sound young. The world is a very large place. Take the opportunity to go explore it and yourself.
     
  8. macrumors 6502

    Joined:
    Dec 2, 2005
    Location:
    San Diego
    #8
    That makes me feel better, I thought the bear trap was just a unique feature. :D
     
  9. macrumors member

    Joined:
    May 27, 2008
    #9
    Absolutely. I was generally speaking.
     
  10. macrumors member

    Joined:
    May 27, 2008
    #10
    lol...Your hanging out with the wrong people.
     
  11. macrumors 68000

    fleshman03

    Joined:
    May 27, 2008
    Location:
    Sioux City, IA
    #11
    I'm so sorry to hear this. Whenever something like this happens to me, I find a routine to get lost in. School, Work, something after.... I always end up meeting people along the route to befriend.

    My suggestion is to simply find something you like doing an do it. Don't just sit around.
     
  12. macrumors 6502a

    floyde

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2005
    Location:
    Monterrey, México
    #12
    I think this is the best advice you'll get, although it doesn't necessarily have to involve Christ.

    If you say that you broke up over stupid things, and she feels the same way about you, then you'll get back together. If she doesn't feel the same way about you, then she's not the love of your life. The love of your life goes both ways. If it's one sided, then you're with the wrong person.

    Anyway, the best thing you can do is keep yourself busy. Spend time doing stuff you like. Hang out with your friends a lot, you don't want to go through this alone. Eventually if she's not for you you'll meet somebody else, and you'll wonder why you ever thought that she was the one.
     
  13. macrumors 6502

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2006
    Location:
    TN
    #13
    Dealing with the same thing more or less.

    When I woke up the next morning I knew I had 2 options: I could let myself fall to pieces and throw away everything I had worked so hard for OR I could take a deep breath, pull it together, and take it one day at a time. I chose the latter.

    Don't expect it to be easy. Expect bad days -- don't feel ashamed, it's not an easy thing to deal with. Try not to drink to deal -- all that accomplished for me was painting my friend's car with vomit. Learn to be happy with yourself.
     
  14. macrumors 6502

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2008
    Location:
    PA
    #14
    It sounds like she wants some distance. She may be the love of your life, but you may not be the love of hers (not that there is anything wrong with you, people change and progress differently). People do grow apart, and holding on to something that's not there isn't good for you or her. Have you thought about going to therapy? Sometimes people need to talk it out with someone who would have an unbiased opinion and wouldn't give some of the responses that you have already received.

    Good luck.
     
  15. JNB
    macrumors 604

    JNB

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2004
    Location:
    In a Hell predominately of my own making
    #15
    I thought I was in love once or twice when I was (much) younger, and as time passed--not that much, either--I learned that it was more hormones and less "heart." Later, though, I discovered, lost, rediscovered, and lost again the one I know was my soulmate. That one I will regret the rest of my days. I will literally never get over it.

    Love has nothing to do with sex whatsoever, though it's a terrific side benefit. When you find a person you want to grow old with, lay down your life for, and be willing to spend eternity with doing nothing beyond holding hands, you'll know that's the one. All others are merely warm bodies to entertain yourself with.
     
  16. thread starter macrumors 6502a

    bassproguy07

    Joined:
    Aug 13, 2008
    Location:
    Katy, TX
    #16
    thanks to all who replied. In high school and my first year of college, I turned to alcohol as an easy way to cope with being lonely. I love this girl, could honestly marry this girl right now and spend the rest of my life with her. I qould seriously risk my own life to be with her( I know i must be nuts but she is seriously the love of my life.) I was raised a strong christian, My mother is a methodist pastor and I have always been the type to trust God in stuff like this. I pray every night for God to either end the relationship or let us both have the same feelings. I know God has his own way in working with things, and I know we might drift apart now and one day be together but I honestly dont think I am emotionally stable to deal with not being with her. I would not say I am suicidal, but i couldnt see myself living without her. Shes not just a girlfriend she has been my best friend for a long time, and seeing her dating other people hurts so bad. I have currently found myself drinking a lot heavier, and wanting to drown my sorrows in alcohol. I know she is on a date as we speak and she wont tell me who with but there is one guy I hate so much and would honestly consider seriouslly effing his life up to where he wants nothing to do with her. I spent the night with my older sister and she talked to me a little it but I still dont understand. The girl we are talking about tells me she loves me, tells me she wants to be with me but I dont understand why we cant be together. If there are any dgirls out ther please please reply to this I need a girls perspective bad. Thank you all once again, I truly think macrumors has the answers to everything and I hope yall can help me deal with this.
     
  17. macrumors regular

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2008
    #17
    If she is on a date with someone else, it doesn't look good. What you need to do is go out with some friends/family and try to have some fun. Maybe go see a movie. It definitely won't take your mind off of what's going on, but it's good to keep busy.

    It sounds like this is the first girl you've ever been with or among the first. There will be more to come, trust me. The first big breakup is always the hardest to deal with.

    This is coming from experience. Now I look back at those days and say to myself "Thank goodness!"

    As far as the guy is concerned, take this rule of advice. Never blame the other guy unless he is making unwanted advances on her. There's nothing you can or should do if a girl wants another guy.

    Hope you feel better and leave the alcohol alone. No girl is worth drinking over.
     
  18. macrumors 6502

    Bfat567

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2008
    Location:
    NewYork
    #18
    Best advice ever award!
     
  19. macrumors 6502

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2006
    Location:
    TN
    #19
    Tequila doesn't. Ugh.

    OP: How you are feeling is exactly how I felt the first time my ex broke up with me. I didn't think I could function without him. We continued to talk and stayed best friends. I spent 3 years being his best friend but wanting more. We got back together a year and a half ago and just recently broke up (for good, not ever speaking to each other again, etc.). While I am not as lost as I was when I was 19 and in the midst of all this, it still sucks. But I've been through it and I know I can do it again. It is not an easy road.

    If she says she loves you and wants to be with you but is going out with other guys, it might be time to just let this one go. Actions speak louder than words. Just take the advice I gave before -- take it one day at a time, expect and accept bad days, know that tomorrow is a new day. And no tequila.
     
  20. thread starter macrumors 6502a

    bassproguy07

    Joined:
    Aug 13, 2008
    Location:
    Katy, TX
    #20
    wow after reading my last post, I must have been really drunk last night....thanks for all you guys' support I'm just taking it one day at a time now. I think I was just upset yesterday cuz she had told me but yah thanks guys!
     
  21. macrumors G4

    Mord

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2003
    Location:
    Old York
    #21
    Time.

    Intoxicants don't really help in the long run.
     
  22. macrumors 65816

    wvuwhat

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2007
    #22
    I know what you're going through. I had a girlfriend of 3 years. We did everything together. When we broke up I found myself in the grocery store or the like talking over my shoulder asking her if she wanted some bread or stuff, because I was so used to it. The break-up was in March and we still go to the same school. I see her out at night with her sorority and neither of us can bring ourselves to say anything. I thought I was over her, I still may be, but a few weeks ago her roommate came up to me when she saw me on campus and started talking about how she still loved me and refused to see other guys. Made me feel kind of good, even though it may be a bad feeling to have. I'm making the best of my last year of school and I still think about her daily. Know you're not the first, only one, or last to go through this. I'm hoping I'll be somewhere someday and just bump into someone I'll spend the rest of my life with. We can all hope brother. Don't worry about it, good things come to those who wait. You may find out that she's not all you think she is. I know I'm having thoughts that if we were to get married this upcoming spring (that was the plan) I may have been settling.
     
  23. macrumors 68000

    Mindflux

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2007
    Location:
    Austin
    #23
    run out and get laid. really. lay down the pipe!!
     
  24. macrumors 6502a

    LeahM

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2008
    #24
    Honestly, I would say cut your losses, easier said then done (i know!). But it seems like shes hurting your more then making you happy, not a good relationship to have. Its not fair to yourself if shes out having fun and your stuck by a computer moping. If you really have strong feelings for her and she doesn't know, I don't think you can let her have all the freedom while you sit and wait, you should either be together or not at all.
     
  25. macrumors 68030

    Iscariot

    Joined:
    Aug 16, 2007
    Location:
    Toronteazy
    #25
    Convert to sociopathy. The one religion that truly delivers!
     

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