How to poop at work

Discussion in 'Community' started by iWantAMac, Aug 20, 2003.

  1. iWantAMac macrumors 6502

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    AUS
    #1
    HOW TO POOP AT WORK

    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles (or offices) and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.


    CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.


    FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.


    ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.


    JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.


    COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.


    WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist...... can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.


    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.


    SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.


    TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


    CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.


    ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.


    WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


    HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water..... often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.


    UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
     
  2. Powerbook G5 macrumors 68040

    Powerbook G5

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    St Augustine, FL
    #2
    Reminds me of the "**** List" poster my roommate had hanging on our bathroom door last year :D
     
  3. rainman::|:| macrumors 603

    rainman::|:|

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2002
    Location:
    iowa
    #3
    okay, this one's going up at work.

    hell, i may just print a stack of 'em and leave them in the bathroom... for other departments to share :)

    they need to learn the rules of the astaire for one...

    and we have an *awful* lot of Escapees at work... pretty gross. i had been considering bringing new packaged underwear for some of these guys.

    pnw
     
  4. eyelikeart Moderator emeritus

    eyelikeart

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2001
    Location:
    Metairie, LA
    #4
    what about those who get poop shy at work...

    like me? :eek:
     
  5. Gymnut macrumors 68000

    Gymnut

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2003
    #5
    Finally, some work place bathroom etiquette for the neandrethals. I think the worst is the turd burglar. Feet in a stall often a stall occupied make. A turd burglar risks a soiled s**t ticket on his mug should he try to break into my office. Muhaha.
     
  6. scem0 macrumors 604

    scem0

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2002
    Location:
    back in NYC!
    #6
    hmmmmmm interesting...

    Do all of these apply to pooping at school?

    I would assume so...

    I think I've perfected the (let me look it up ;)) camo-cough.

    My sinclair needs some work.

    Then again I NEVER poop in public places.

    scem0
     
  7. Sun Baked macrumors G5

    Sun Baked

    Joined:
    May 19, 2002
    #7
    It's not much fun if you can't make the people who smoke in the bathroom run out due to the smell, or blow off the doors to the bathroom when they ignite flammable gas.
     
  8. tazo macrumors 68040

    tazo

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    Pacific Northwest, Seattle, WA actually
  9. Powerbook G5 macrumors 68040

    Powerbook G5

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    St Augustine, FL
    #9
    I never do number two in public bathrooms, either...that's just sickening.
     
  10. Jerry Spoon macrumors 6502a

    Jerry Spoon

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    Historic St. Charles
    #10
    Thank goodness all of our bathrooms are "single units" and I don't have to worry about this stuff. The only problem is when you leave and someone is waiting to use the bathroom and have to walk into whatever you've left behind. Thankfully, someone stocks the place with Lysol.
     
  11. wdlove macrumors P6

    wdlove

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2002
    #11
    That is a great list iWantAMac. I personally don't mind doing number 2 in a public bathroom. If mother nature calls, the only result is to answer the call.
     
  12. vollspacken macrumors 65816

    vollspacken

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  13. themadchemist macrumors 68030

    themadchemist

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    #13
    brilliant...Did you come up with all of these iWantAMac?
     
  14. Billicus macrumors 6502a

    Billicus

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    Charles City, Iowa
    #14
    LMAO!!! :D I read it, my family read it, and we all laughed till it hurt! :D:D:D
     
  15. iWantAMac thread starter macrumors 6502

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    #15
    Nah, I just read it on the net somewhere and thought I'd post it here. :)
     
  16. iWantAMac thread starter macrumors 6502

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    #16
    Haha

    ...Glad you enjoyed it. :)
     
  17. Billicus macrumors 6502a

    Billicus

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    #17
    I'm always in for a good laugh when it comes my way...:D:cool:
     
  18. applemacdude macrumors 68040

    applemacdude

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    Over The Rainbow
    #19
    Ah the good 'ol poop thread...Good tips that also apply to school or to public places, even though I think it's disgusting to poop in a public bathroom or even at a friend's house, I think peeing is acceptable:D Funny stuff though..good 'ol watermelons LOL:) ;) :p :D
     
  19. iWantAMac thread starter macrumors 6502

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    #20
    Agreed. I can't remember the last time I no. 2'd in a public bathroom. Even when I was a kid at primary school I wouldn't do it. And when I absolutely had to, I would virtually use a roll of toilet paper to line the seat.
     
  20. phrancpharmD macrumors regular

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    Apr 22, 2003
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    Historic Norcross
    #21
    Man, you hit it. I get so intimidated by the Out Of The Closet Poopers at work; it's like I feel awkward for their complete lack of feeling awkward. But I usually head over the the College of Nursing building - not my students, and >90% female! (not that pharmacy won't be there soon enough. . .)
     
  21. King Cobra macrumors 603

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  22. Perci Mac macrumors member

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    #23
    Wow, that was an informative and interesting bit. Whoever wrote that knows the ins and outs of pooping at work.
     
  23. rainman::|:| macrumors 603

    rainman::|:|

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    iowa
    #24
    which i believe is called "prairie doggin'".

    pnw
     
  24. iWantAMac thread starter macrumors 6502

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    #25
    You've seen Rat Race, too?

    I didn't know that term existed before I saw that movie. ...Did it?
     

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