I really need your help

Discussion in 'Community' started by leekohler, May 20, 2005.

  1. leekohler macrumors G5

    leekohler

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2004
    Location:
    Chicago, Illinois
    #1
    Guys,

    A very close friend of mine is going through some really tough stuff and I don't know what to do. He's in a job he hates and is really depressed about it to the point that I don't know what he'll do. The worst part is that it's his chosen profession and this is the third job he's had in it in 6 years since school. He's upset about the hours and lack of pay. I guess I should just tell you he's in architecture. And we all know how respected anyone in a creative field is in the US-not at all. He's getting to the point where he's coming home and drinking at night to go to sleep. I'm worried this could get worse. He's mentioned hurting himself a few times. BTW- he has no other job skills outside of architecture. What he really wants to do is teach, but doesn't want to go in debt to get his Masters. I'm at a loss to tell him what to do as he doesn't want to seek another job at a different firm because he feels it'll be more of the same. Any advice?
     
  2. leekohler thread starter macrumors G5

    leekohler

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    Dec 22, 2004
    Location:
    Chicago, Illinois
    #2
    I'm seriously worried. Please-any suggestions are welcome.
     
  3. PlaceofDis macrumors Core

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2004
    #3
    if he wants to teach then go do that, save money for find a firm that will pay for his Masters. From what i have heard from my cousin who is looking into the same field, you get to respect until you have a Masters. Your friend could be approching a drinking problem, there isn't much you can do except try and coax him out of it. if you have a good group of solid friends you could all get together and talk to him about whats going on and give him your support help, and ideas
     
  4. sjpetry macrumors 65816

    sjpetry

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2004
    Location:
    Tamarindo, Costa Rica
    #4
    You need to have a heart to heart talk with him. Tell him to go for his dreams because if he doesn't he will always think of what could have been. You might want to consider an intervention (because of the drinking) and have him seek professional help because he has mentioned hurting himself. If you stand by him you can hep get his life back on track and your friendship will be even stronger.

    P.S. If the drinking becomes a major problem get him to go to some AA meeting (they are held in almost every church and town hall).

    Do this as soon as you can!
     
  5. D0ct0rteeth macrumors 65816

    D0ct0rteeth

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2002
    Location:
    Franklin, TN
    #5
    Honestly man, he needs professional counseling. There is nothing you or especially we can do. Turn off your CPU, go spend time with him, and help him talk to a professional.

    .......

    Now this is definietly not for your conversation with your friend, but as for respect of creatives and the hours/pay ratio. If you dont like your job.. well.. quit. You have the freedom and opportunity to do any job you want here in America. I consider myself to be very well respected, well paid and in a creative career. But that is due to me going out in the world, killing something and dragging it home.

    Niether you or your friend will ever find a perfect job. seriously. they say never say never.. I am saying NEVER.

    YOU need to find happiness yourself, and you will create your own work environment.

    Best of luck, but it sounds as if your friend and you have unrealistic expectations, and just isnt happy due to his fear and character issues. These need to be worked out by a professional and I doubt anyone here can help you via the internet.
     
  6. leekohler thread starter macrumors G5

    leekohler

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    Dec 22, 2004
    Location:
    Chicago, Illinois
    #6
    You know what? I've tried to get him to find a place that will pay for the masters-didn't work. He's already been teaching part time at Harrington College, but they don't have a masters program yet. He's sort of painted himself into a corner and is refusing to come out of it. I've had the heart to heart several times already. Am I stuck? Do I just have him taken away? I'm really bummed about this.
     
  7. leekohler thread starter macrumors G5

    leekohler

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    Dec 22, 2004
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    Chicago, Illinois
    #7
    Well thanks, but I'm fine at my job. I think that makes him jealous. And I think you're right. He needs a professional.
     
  8. PlaceofDis macrumors Core

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2004
    #8
    dont know what to say if he is refusing your help and talks, he does need to seek perfessional help though as was mentioned. i really dont know what else you can do, except drag him kicking and screaming, but i doubt that will get you anywhere either
     
  9. leekohler thread starter macrumors G5

    leekohler

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    Chicago, Illinois
    #9
    I know PlaceofDis. Thanks for being here though. :)
     
  10. 3rdpath macrumors 68000

    3rdpath

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    Jan 7, 2002
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    2nd star on the right and straight till morning
    #10
    sadly, your friend already has a problem if he's drinking to go to sleep. get some info from AA and Al anon( a branch that deals with being a friend or family of an alcoholic) then talk to him about your concerns. also, he needs to be checked out for depression or bi-polar problems. many people who suffer from these try to self-medicate with alcohol or drugs.

    once he's straight, he can then decide whether to go into teaching or find a more satisfying use for his architectural skills. he really needs to get his head clear before he makes any career decisions.

    he's fortunate to have a friend who cares. good luck.
     
  11. James Philp macrumors 65816

    James Philp

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    Mar 5, 2005
    Location:
    Oxford/London
    #11
    If he's already doing part time that's a good thing.
    Get him to change schools to where he can get sponsored though his masters and teaching courses.
    But seriously, go to a professional if you have grave doubts (like wellbeing health etc.)
    I'd say these forums can only offer a tiny percent of a percent of genuine advice.
     
  12. leekohler thread starter macrumors G5

    leekohler

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    Dec 22, 2004
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    Chicago, Illinois
    #12
    Thanks. God you guys are great for listening to this. I really appreciate it.
     
  13. leekohler thread starter macrumors G5

    leekohler

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    Dec 22, 2004
    Location:
    Chicago, Illinois
    #13
    Tried that- didn't work. I have tried to get him to maybe take some time off and wait tables or something. He was actually open to that, but hasn't done it before so he was defeated immediately.
     
  14. Duff-Man macrumors 68030

    Duff-Man

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    Dec 26, 2002
    Location:
    Albuquerque, NM
    #14
    Duff-Man says....like others have said, he needs a pro to help him deal with these issues. But that only works if he is willing to listen and is open to the idea of help. If he is in denial that there is any problem with the drinking etc then it is more than likely that the "help" is not going to do anything - he has to know he wants/needs it for it to be of much use....good luck with him though...don't give up on him even if it gets a little rough...oh yeah!
     
  15. leekohler thread starter macrumors G5

    leekohler

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    Chicago, Illinois
    #15
    He has even said to me that his job is turning him into an alcoholic.
     
  16. Duff-Man macrumors 68030

    Duff-Man

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    Dec 26, 2002
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    Albuquerque, NM
    #16
    Duff-Man says...ah, then at least with this part of the problem(s) there is some hope. If he has acknowledged that then he can more than likely be helped before he is a full blown alchoholic. Can you get him away from those situations where he drinks too heavily? Take him places where there is some entertainment but no booze....the movies for instance, or outside for some physical activity is even better - what sports does he like and will he participate with you and others in them?...just stuff to break the rut/routine he may be establishing....oh yeah!
     
  17. iBlue macrumors Core

    iBlue

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    Mar 17, 2005
    Location:
    London, England
    #17
    the problem is that a person has to want help. I have been through some rough times and no one was able to do a thing about it; I had to get to the point of wanting it myself before things starting looking up.
    That is not to say that as a friend you should sit idly by and watch him self-destruct, just be aware of how difficult it is to change, then try to imagine convincing someone else to do it - don't expect too much if he is not willing.
    it's sad and pessimistic but I'm nothing if not honest and a realist.
    If he does appear to want help and gets complacent about it... well it's a "help me help you" situation. Help is there and possible for those who help themselves. Just keep it in mind is all I'm saying.

    That said, how to get through to him depends on his personality; different strokes for different folks. Listen, observe, be supportive and strong, that is your part - the rest is hard to pin down on such a general basis. Do what you can, the rest is up to him.

    Good luck - I hope things look up soon.
     
  18. James Philp macrumors 65816

    James Philp

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2005
    Location:
    Oxford/London
    #18
    I love it - Duff Man advising on alcohol abuse! :D

    I did mean that you should seek professional advice about what to do too. Sometimes the way you approach a loved one with problems can be very delicate and so a professional will be able to give the best informed advice to YOU.
     
  19. superbovine macrumors 68030

    superbovine

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    Nov 7, 2003
    #19
    Yeah, I agree. The only person to keep himself clean is himself. He has to want to stay clean and help himself to change.
     
  20. emw macrumors G4

    emw

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2004
    #20
    Lee - I can't offer much assistance on this beyond what others have already said, but wanted to at least put in my support, such that it is. You sound like a tremendous friend, and your friend hopefully will realize how lucky he is to have you fighting for him and working to help. Sometimes that is the most important thing.
     
  21. leekohler thread starter macrumors G5

    leekohler

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2004
    Location:
    Chicago, Illinois
    #21
    Thanks! I looked at some websites last night that I think might help. I really appreciate the input. We'll see what happens. I guess the really important thing is to get him to see that he can do other work besides what he's doing now.
     
  22. Thomas Veil macrumors 68020

    Thomas Veil

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2004
    Location:
    Reality
    #22
    If you can't get him to listen to your advice about professional help, it might actually be time for an intervention -- yes, "ambushing" him with friends and family who care about him. Kind of humiliating ordeal for the person, but sometimes that's what it takes to shock them into understanding that yes, they do have a problem.

    And I'm not just talking about the drinking. There's more going on here. I agree it sounds like he may have unrealistic expectations. You could have a major case of depression going on here. Depression seriously whacks out your sense of perspective. Those annoyances at work that we all have become an attitude of "I hate my career." He says the job is "making" him become an alcoholic. Those sound like signs.

    A lot of people who have that problem want to deny it because they think it means they're "crazy". Far from it, though. Depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. The body makes a chemical called seratonin which (simplistically) is what keeps you feeling level-headed. The problem comes when the body, for unknown reasons, flushes out the seratonin almost as fast as it makes it. Anti-depressants are meant to stop this process.

    If your friend has depression, that knowledge might make it a little easier for him to swallow the diagnosis. Obviously we can't say for sure, based on this little information, but everyone is right, he needs to be gotten into counseling to find out what is wrong. (And if you get him, you'll have to make sure he stays in counseling, since a lot of people try to quit early, claiming "It's not working for me.")

    Good luck.
     
  23. Grey Beard macrumors 65816

    Grey Beard

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2005
    Location:
    The Antipodes.
    #23
    Excess Drinking - Depression

    He says the job is "making" him become an alcoholic. Those sound like signs.

    A lot of people who have that problem want to deny it because they think it means they're "crazy". Far from it, though. Depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. The body makes a chemical called seratonin which (simplistically) is what keeps you feeling level-headed. The problem comes when the body, for unknown reasons, flushes out the seratonin almost as fast as it makes it. Anti-depressants are meant to stop this process.
    ------------------
    While I really think that some pro help is called for to help your friend if depression is suspected.

    Nearly 10 years ago, I had serious health concerns (still do actually) and after specialists gave up on me, unable to reach a daignosis / treatment.

    I was shunted to the psych ward, and counselling was given. Also, The Shrink perscribed Aropax in the morning. I think it's like Prosac, a selective seratonin reuptake inhibitor. So, I couldn't wind down at night, so Nortryptline was scripted. It's a tricyclic antidepressant, and now I can't stop taking the med. I'm half zonked most of the day, and rely more on a cone or two at the end of the day as a self medicating endeavour. My kidneys are crapping out with trouble with other organs too.

    Fortunately, I am able to function fairly well, even after a mild stoke a month ago. I do think that a lot more problems are created by well meaning specialists than were orginally presented to them.

    Friendship and caring, can go freaking further than meds in a lot of cases. But if self harm is suspected, then perhaps a mix of Pro help and you being a buddy will have the best outcome.

    I hope for the best for you and your friend.

    Cheers,
    Grey Beard
     

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