Instant, on-the-spot executions for bike thieves

Discussion in 'Community' started by alex_ant, Apr 6, 2004.

  1. alex_ant macrumors 68020

    alex_ant

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    Feb 5, 2002
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    All up in your bidness
    #1
    Just what they deserve. These ****ers are the scum of the earth. They are a disgrace to the human race, a group of nefarious subhumans who deserve to be roasted alive in the hellish heat of the ovens of a grand Final Solution, the gold fillings in their teeth recycled to finance the beginnings of a new system of justice and order.

    In the future, the hubs in our wheels will rotate on the lubricated, vitrified testicles of these animals, and the shackles of our U-locks will be constructed of their ribs and femurs as a warning to all those who contemplate stealing so much as a front wheel.

    But this is not a rant. What I want to do is get feedback about the best way to execute bike thieves. Guillotine? Bullet through the temple? Decapitation? Discuss
     
  2. Sun Baked macrumors G5

    Sun Baked

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    May 19, 2002
    #2
  3. 3rdpath macrumors 68000

    3rdpath

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    2nd star on the right and straight till morning
    #3
    i suggest making them into indentured servants....ahhhh, to relax while a bike thief mows your lawn, washes your car, brings the paper to the front door and then passes the nite locked away in a small pine box .

    a couple of years of that...then execute them.

    :eek:
     
  4. macka macrumors regular

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2004
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    'stralia
    #4
    Ah...I don't reckon stuff like that deserves capital/corporal punishment. Sure it's wrong but I reckon a hefty jail sentence, or 1000 hours of community service would bring the message along nice and clearly.
     
  5. topicolo macrumors 68000

    topicolo

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2002
    Location:
    Ottawa, ON
    #5
    Just got your bike stolen huh? It sucks. Someone stole my bike at noon a couple of years ago in full view of passing traffic. $500 gone in 10 min. These guys are pretty daring and incredibly crafty. Too bad those skills aren't being used for more constructive purposes.
     
  6. caveman_uk Guest

    caveman_uk

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2003
    Location:
    Hitchin, Herts, UK
    #6
    We used to have this punishment in England. Hang, drawn and quartering. First off you're hung by your neck until your really choking but not actually dead. You're then cut down so you're still concious. Your genitals are cut off in front of you. You are then disembowled in the order intestines, liver then finally heart. You are definately dead by the time the heart is removed. You're then beheaded and your head stuck on a pike on, say, London Bridge. Your body is then cut into quarters and parts sent to wherever you've lived to be put on public display as a warning to others.

    Admittedly we used it for traitors and it may be extreme for stealing a bike. But if anyone keys my car then it's definitely an option....
     
  7. mvc macrumors 6502a

    mvc

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2003
    Location:
    Outer-Roa
    #7
    Apologies to William Gibson

    In Idoru, William Gibson describes a near-future bike security system that unleashes about 50,000 volts, (after first giving a f*ck off verbal warning!)

    Where does it get 50,000 volts from? The electromagnetic brakes charge a capacitor whenever you slow down.

    Sounds ideal. Unless you have toddlers.

    :eek:
     
  8. Roger1 macrumors 65816

    Roger1

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    Michigan
    #8
  9. KC9AIC macrumors 6502

    KC9AIC

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    Jan 31, 2004
    Location:
    Tokyo, Japan or Longview, Texas
    #9
    In Japan, bike stealing is a big problem, so I lock mine with a big u-lock. Also, police stop people on bikes and check to make sure that the bike is registered to them. I've never been stopped myself (probably moving too fast to see…), but I know a number of others who have been stopped. My bike is so rusty and old, I doubt anyone would steal it. Still, if they did, I would recommend a fine and some community service. It would be nice if the fine went partly to you to cover your damages.
     
  10. bousozoku Moderator emeritus

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2002
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    Gone but not forgotten.
    #10
    It's pretty lousy, especially when most of them don't need transportation.

    Orlando is supposed to be a bike-friendly city. The first time I rode downtown, I searched for ten minutes to find a bike rack. The one I found had three locks on it but no bikes. Apparently, the thieves were bike-friendly too. :(

    Electric shocks sound good but only if there's also a photo or a call to the police.
     
  11. Juventuz macrumors 6502a

    Juventuz

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    Binghamton
    #11
  12. G4scott macrumors 68020

    G4scott

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    Jan 9, 2002
    Location:
    Austin, TX
    #12
    Here on my campus, there are tons of bike thieves. For the most part, they're drug addicts who sill steal a $50 or $500 bike just for one hit of cocaine or something like that. My bike is locked with a U-Lock, and a cable lock going through both wheels.

    No matter what kind of lock you have, thieves can get through it, it just takes time. If you have 2 locks, it deters them, because either they only have the tools to break one of them, or they can more easily steal a bike with one lock.
     
  13. Dippo macrumors 65816

    Dippo

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    Charlotte, NC
  14. JesseJames macrumors 6502a

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    How'd I get here? How can I leave?
  15. jelloshotsrule macrumors G3

    jelloshotsrule

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    serendipity
    #15
    my first executive order in 2k16 (per the vp's request): instant, on the spot execution of all bike thieves... or even someone who looks like they could possibly maybe be a bike thief. or, someone who might've talked to a bike thief in the last week. or year. or decade.. we simply can't be too careful!


    my personal vote (which is all that matters in the long run) goes for the drawn and quartered. that really sounds juicy
     
  16. Apple //e macrumors 6502

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2003
    #16
    it is the apathy of the people in general that allows for bike thieves to get away with what they do. these crimes are usually done in public areas in broad daylight using cumbersome and loud techniques and yet nobody cares.

    as for testicles as bearings, thats a terrible idea. im still waiting for the swiss to make it to space and set up a bearing plant in orbit (perfectly round bearings)
     
  17. rueyeet macrumors 65816

    rueyeet

    Joined:
    Jun 10, 2003
    Location:
    MD
    #17
    How about contact poison liberally applied to the bike itself, with the antidote available only to you? :p :)
     
  18. alex_ant thread starter macrumors 68020

    alex_ant

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    Feb 5, 2002
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    All up in your bidness
    #18
    We shouldn't need bike locks at all. We should all be able to park our bikes outside with big signs on them that say "STEAL ME" and still not have to worry about them getting stolen. It's time to cleanse the population of bike thieves using whatever means necessary.

    You're right that testicles would not make the best bearings, but it's the principle that counts. I am 100% an advocate of sending the Swiss up into space, though.
     
  19. alex_ant thread starter macrumors 68020

    alex_ant

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    #19
    I did have another bike stolen a while back on which I used a cable lock. That was a big mistake because I thought "it's just as thick as a bar, it will work just as well." Now I have the $80 Kryptonite Get The **** Away You ****ing **** New York lock and I actually had only my seat & seatpost stolen. But I am extra pissed this time, because it was the first seat I ever had that perfectly fit the (delicious) contours of my bum.
     
  20. alex_ant thread starter macrumors 68020

    alex_ant

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    #20
    That is AWESOME!! JUST what I was looking for! What happened to you limeys? You used to be such great imperialists and torturers and look at you now. You need to get it together again!
     
  21. gwuMACaddict macrumors 68040

    gwuMACaddict

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2003
    Location:
    washington dc
    #21
    bike thieves should be painfully executed in a public forum. i've never had a bike stolen... but here is why

    i ride in dc, clearly the best way to get around the city. i have three bikes, yes, it makes for a crowded dorm room- but it makes sense. there is only one bike that i will lock up outside- and never for extended periods of time. the other two bikes come inside with me wherever i go. if i get questioned about bringing the bike inside, i explain the situation until they give in. never had a problem.

    the point is, i HATE bike thieves... but a little responsibility by the rider can prevent most thefts.

    (and hooray for bike threads! finally a thread where my avatar feels like it belongs :D :D)
     
  22. gwuMACaddict macrumors 68040

    gwuMACaddict

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    Apr 21, 2003
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    #22
  23. Krizoitz macrumors 6502a

    Krizoitz

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    Apr 26, 2003
    Location:
    Wakayama, Japan
    #23
    Save time, get five horses, draw and quarter and hang them all at once. How do you get the horses to run? Light the thief on fire.
     
  24. Roger1 macrumors 65816

    Roger1

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2002
    Location:
    Michigan
    #24
    What if the ropes burn through before he gets pulled apart? Then he'll be running around setting the grass on fire. :mad: You have to think before proposing an idea. :p
     
  25. Krizoitz macrumors 6502a

    Krizoitz

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    Apr 26, 2003
    Location:
    Wakayama, Japan
    #25
    Steel cables? Heavy duty non-flamable ropes? There are solutions
     

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