Is there ANY way out...

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by whooleytoo, Sep 21, 2006.

  1. whooleytoo macrumors 603

    whooleytoo

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2002
    Location:
    Cork, Ireland.
    #1
    ...of the dreaded "Friend Zone"? I hate that term - it makes the whole love/lust/dating/romance/sex thing sound like an American field sport, instead of what it truly is... a cruel and unusual form of medieval torture.;)

    I'd really appreciate any advice from any female posters, though any and all advice is welcome from everyone. Even automated spam-bots.

    Ok, some background: I'm 33, single, know absolutely nothing about women whatsoever, and have the backbone of a lump of jelly. I have many female friends, but I would never, ever, approach a stranger in a bar or club and ask her out or ask for her number. I guess you could say I'm pretty backward in being forward.

    But this is a specific problem: I've been receiving (private) Spanish lessons for about a year now, changing teachers from time to time as they return home. When I started being tutored by my latest teacher - who shall remain nameless here (don't worry, she has several names in real life) - I didn't think anything of it.

    Then one day as I nearly fell off the couch laughing at something she said, I realised I'd fallen head over heels for her. I realised we'd the same sense of humour, we both loved Irish music, and Spanish dancing, and drinking until we forget how bad our jokes are, and flirting endlessly.

    This love/lust/crush/infatuation just snuck up on me and caught me completely unawares. Just like those sneaky miniature elephants that sneak up on you and nibble on your ankles. (If you don't know about them - it just shows how sneaky they really are).

    Just as I was working my way through my customary 3,763 point checklist ("does she like me too?" "could she like me?" "is it inappropriate when she works for me?" "are we fr**nds?" etc..etc..) before letting her know how I feel, she told me she'd just met someone else. Bummer.

    To cut a (far too) long story short, what should I doooooooo?

    a) Nothing. Meet up with her twice a week for lessons feeling just a little bit more miserable each time.
    b) Throw hissy fit. Tell her I can't keep doing lessons with her as it's too hard spending so much time with someone who just wants to be friends when I want so much more. And lose the funniest, most interesting person in my life.
    c) ....help me out here guys, I'm run out of ideas!
     
  2. SilentPanda Moderator emeritus

    SilentPanda

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Location:
    The Bamboo Forest
    #2
    You could sit around and wonder if it coulda been and watch her eventually leave for somebody else while still wondering or....

    You could find out if it can be and if it can't you're no worse off in the long run... and if it can be... you're golden. :)

    That's my thought when the same happens to me.
     
  3. MongoTheGeek macrumors 68040

    MongoTheGeek

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2003
    Location:
    Its not so much where you are as when you are.
    #3
    Does she have a boyfriend?

    If not just kiss her. Some moment when you are together and laughing, just kiss her. Do it with confidence. Chicks dig assertive guys.

    If she returns it you have a yes. If not she you have a no. If she gets upset apologize and forget about it. You can still be friends but in all likelyhood that is all that will happen.

    Most importantly, don't overthink it.
     
  4. Palad1 macrumors 6502a

    Palad1

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2004
    Location:
    London, UK
    #4
    You asked for it

    Is she single? If so, ask her out for a date.. let's meet in town and have a drink/coffee, see an exhibit, something innocuous, even spanish-related... Is there a spanish artist in your area?

    C'mon billy! Take matters in your hands, but think before doing something childish!
     
  5. whooleytoo thread starter macrumors 603

    whooleytoo

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2002
    Location:
    Cork, Ireland.
    #5
    You're probably right, I know; unfortunately I'm still a chicken (and a headless one, when it comes to women). To me, "40 Year Old Virgin" is a cautionary documentary.

    Pity you can't buy a spine on the Internet, I really need one.
     
  6. Foxglove9 macrumors 65816

    Foxglove9

    Joined:
    Jan 14, 2006
    Location:
    New York City
    #6
    I think you should continue your lessons with her, unless your attraction for her is distracting you from learning, then I would end your lessons soon so you don't waste money.

    You should handle this situation respectfully. Kindly ask her how the date went, and how everything is doing..you know, just like you would normally. If she just met this other person I don't think it is too much for you to ask her to go out for coffee or dinner or something harmless like that. And if that goes well take it from there, if she declines then well... be prepared for that too.
     
  7. whooleytoo thread starter macrumors 603

    whooleytoo

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2002
    Location:
    Cork, Ireland.
    #7
    That nearly happened on a couple of occasions, exactly as you put it!

    Unfortunately, I think she has started going out with someone now, for a few weeks, though I don't think it's very serious it still is a big virtual kick in the nethers.

    THAT's my problem, hell, I've just started a discussion on an internet forum about it! ;)
     
  8. Foxglove9 macrumors 65816

    Foxglove9

    Joined:
    Jan 14, 2006
    Location:
    New York City
    #8
    I would find that very offensive and unprofessional for a client to do that to me. So I'm advising against that while on your lessons.

    Though being assertive is a good thing.
     
  9. emw macrumors G4

    emw

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2004
    #9
    Nothing's serious after a couple of weeks. Go after her.
     
  10. SilentPanda Moderator emeritus

    SilentPanda

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Location:
    The Bamboo Forest
    #10
  11. whooleytoo thread starter macrumors 603

    whooleytoo

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2002
    Location:
    Cork, Ireland.
    #11
    That's another good point, apart from someone I'm very attracted to, and a good fr**nd, she is a very good teacher. We have held classes in cafes and bars (to get used to speaking and listening to the language somewhere with a lot of ambient noise) and stayed on afterwards to chat, and she has introduced me to lots of her friends, who were happy to let me practice my Spanish. Not many teachers would do so much.
     
  12. jsw Moderator emeritus

    jsw

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2004
    Location:
    Andover, MA
    #12
    Pretend for a second you're now 66, and you've spent the amount of time you've currently been alive (33 years) wondering each and every time you see a woman that looks like her what it would've been like to have gone out with her, and asking yourself why you didn't ask her.

    Worst case - very worst case, and unlikely to happen - she gets upset and stops tutoring you. Big deal. You get a new tutor often enough anyway, and, if you don't ask her out, she'll still move on soon enough anyway.

    Best case (in the short term), you get to date her.

    Seems to me that there's a huge upside and very little potential risk.

    Trust me, if you don't ask her out, you will always wonder what would have happened if you did. Even if you end up happy with someone else, part of you will always wonder. If you ask her out, well, then you'll know. If she turns you down, a year from now you'll have forgotten about her. If she accepts, you might never need to forget about her. :)

    Just ask her out. Just be clear it's not an as-friends date.
     
  13. ®îçhå®? macrumors 68000

    ®îçhå®?

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2006
    #13
    Be really cheesy and ask her out in Spanish. Build up by saying that you have done some extra work and then talk in Spanish how you feel,
     
  14. whooleytoo thread starter macrumors 603

    whooleytoo

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2002
    Location:
    Cork, Ireland.
  15. whooleytoo thread starter macrumors 603

    whooleytoo

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2002
    Location:
    Cork, Ireland.
    #15
    I was conscious of that, and that's why I held off previously. (Which I am now kicking myself for doing).
     
  16. 2nyRiggz macrumors 603

    2nyRiggz

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2005
    Location:
    Thank you Jah...I'm so Blessed
    #16
    Grab the moment by the nutz and go for it...this might be your only chance. If you want to be with her then try your best to let her know that..be direct and tell her how you feel.

    Just talk...don't touch...ask her out or something.


    Bless
     
  17. dcv macrumors G3

    Joined:
    May 24, 2005
    #17
    ^Exactly what he said. Just ask her out. What do you have to lose? :)
     
  18. emw macrumors G4

    emw

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2004
    #18
    Oh, and if you follow our advice and get turned down, don't let it sour you on asking other women. Getting turned down is part of (most) guy's lives. You'll live to fight another day.

    Usted vive solamente una vez.

    Fire her first. ;)
     
  19. BoyBach macrumors 68040

    BoyBach

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2006
    Location:
    UK
    #19
    Just touch her! No, I don't mean like that!!

    Seriously.

    Does she flinch if you take hold of her hand? Or try to remove it from yours? Does she reciprocate or initiate any touching (hugging, arm-in-arm walking, etc)?

    Get used to idea of being comfortable around each other (physically and emotionally) and just ask her out for a drink, or shopping, or anything!

    Go for it, what have you got to lose?
     
  20. Chundles macrumors G4

    Chundles

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2005
    #21
    Sorry mate, the jump to the other ladder is fraught with peril. You're bound to fall into the deep abyss - never to return to either ladder again.
     
  21. whooleytoo thread starter macrumors 603

    whooleytoo

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2002
    Location:
    Cork, Ireland.
    #22
    Forget being a moderator, your vocation is as a motivator! ;) I've had far too many "what ifs?" already, trying to avoid having another.
     
  22. jsw Moderator emeritus

    jsw

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2004
    Location:
    Andover, MA
    #23
    Well, OK, that's a bit scary. :)
    I learned way too late that you can forget the things you did that you wished you hadn't, but you can never forget the things you didn't do that you wished you had.

    Weigh your current nervousness against decades of future angst. Do what the future "you" would want you to do.
     
  23. whooleytoo thread starter macrumors 603

    whooleytoo

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2002
    Location:
    Cork, Ireland.
    #24
    :p

    We're quite 'intimate' together like that - but then again she's Spanish, so I don't think that necessarily means anything in her case! ;)
     
  24. emw macrumors G4

    emw

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2004
    #25
    Is this one leaving soon as well, or is she here for longer/permanently?
     

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