is there something wrong when a guy doesn't tell you about previous marriage(s)??

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by determined09, Feb 24, 2013.

  1. determined09, Feb 24, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2013

    macrumors 6502

    determined09

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    #1
    There was a Nigerian man that was 47 yrs old and I'm African-American woman 36 yrs. Back last April, he and I started dating. He told me that he was divorced and that it had lasted 10 years. I later discovered that him and that third wife were only married legally for 8 months. She was the one that filed for the divorce. He only told me about only one marriage. Being curious, I look up he's marriage license and I saw that he had been married two other times. I never asked him about the 2 other marriages and he never told me about them. Is it wrong for me to be upset about him not telling me about those other marriages?:mad:
    Plus around voting Time nov 2012 he asked me to marry him because he told me that he was living here illegally and working here illegally. Now when we first going out on dates together and I had asked him
    If he was a US Citizen and said yes he was and that he had been one for 18 years.
     
  2. macrumors regular

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    #2
    RUN! NOW! As fast and as far away as you can possibly move!
     
  3. macrumors 68020

    Squilly

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    #3
    Not wrong at all. I'd be mad too.
     
  4. thread starter macrumors 6502

    determined09

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    #4
    Thanks I just trying to check myself first.
     
  5. macrumors 68020

    Mac'nCheese

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    #5
    Yeah really fast. I've heard Nigerian men are pretty good runners.
     
  6. Moderator

    maflynn

    Staff Member

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    #6
    If the man is being dishonest over this, then what else is he being dishonest about. The bedrock of relationships is trust, you've lost this because you have no idea of what he was honest with. I'd say there are plenty of other fish in the sky and find someone who's willing to be upfront and honest.
     
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    MacDawg

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    #7
    Wut?
    LOL :D

    On topic for OP: I don't know about being upset or angry because I don't know what kind of relationship you have together. However, this is definitely something that should be discussed before moving beyond casual dating.
     
  8. macrumors G5

    yg17

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    #8
    Did you by any chance meet this Nigerian man from a random e-mail you received?
     
  9. macrumors 603

    Tomorrow

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    #9
    The level of dishonesty this guy has shown so far doesn't give me a whole lot of faith in the future of any relationship with him.

    Others in this thread have given good advice: run, don't walk, away from this man.
     
  10. macrumors 68040

    bradl

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    #10
    While I agree with everyone else in this thread (don't walk, run! In fact, I'll start the car, you meet us out back! :D ), I will say this, and in a sense, play devil's advocate.

    You may be hitting a bit of culture shock here. While it is hard for us here in the US to understand why they wouldn't mention it, unless something very shady is going on, culturally, it may be something normal for them over there. They may view their previous marriages as irrelevant to their lives now, as it may be part of their culture to do so.

    I'm not going to justify why this man did things this way, but just am saying that there may be some cultural reasoning behind it. Either way, I would also say that your heart and emotions are too precious to want to be put through something like this, that it may not be worth it. Like the others, I would say to run. There are a lot more, better, chivalrous, and honourable men out in the world.

    BL.
     
  11. thread starter macrumors 6502

    determined09

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    #11
    No, I meet him back in 2003 while working at a community college. In 2008, he left the community college but it stayed in touch casually via email.

    ----------

    True. His main kind of exercise was running.

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    I recall him making a statement of not letting the past affect your future.

    ----------

    He kept trying to sleep with me,but I wanted to get to know him better first. He would talk to
    Me about a variety of topics but he was always trying to get me to sleep with him. Like by the second date.
     
  12. macrumors 601

    twietee

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    #12
    How did you actually find out he was only married for 8 month?
     
  13. thread starter macrumors 6502

    determined09

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    #13
    I searched the marriage records and I then searched the family courts to see if he was divorced.There are dates for when she filed for divorce and dates for when the divorce was finalized. I only will date people that are already divorced. I won't date any one that is only separated even though they are already living separately. They can are still married and they can go back to their wives if they choose to.
     
  14. macrumors Penryn

    rdowns

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    #14
    So you felt a need to look into his marriage licenses so obviously, you don't trust him. Move on.
     
  15. thread starter macrumors 6502

    determined09

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    #15
    I felt uncomfortable looking up the marriage license. True I was having trouble trusting him. But a coworker of mine,told me to be careful with him. Because two of her girlfriends, had married Nigerians , and years later they discovered that they have a wife back home in Nigerian.

    I do hand some trust issues but to being sexual abused at 8yrs old.
     
  16. macrumors 601

    twietee

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    #16
    I see...well, I for one don't care too much about the past and don't think my girlfriend is entitelt to know all the stuff I did or did not (mind this works both ways of course).

    While he may not be the perfect gentleman, I don't see what makes him a bad person?? He lied to you - ok. So you searched his files behind his back -that's ok? Maybe you two are not meant for each other anyway. But why not asking him straight away, at least he must have something attracting you, otherwise you wouldn't care or date him more than once, right?
     
  17. thread starter macrumors 6502

    determined09

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    #17
    I feel bad about searching his marriage records online. When we were on dates, he asked me what do my parent did for a living, who did most of the driving - mom or dad, what does dad like to drink. When I stated crown royal, said that's expensive. On the second , he asked me how much did I pay for my iphone and how long did it take me to pay off my car. In addition, he asked me why was I still single. There were times I would ask him some personal questions and I wasn't getting a lot of answers either.

    ----------

    I always like something about this guy and I still. I just feel really bad about it not working out. I just wished that I had played it differently.
     
  18. macrumors 601

    twietee

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    #18
    Nah, nothing's lost if you don't want to. It's just that you're too much into the formalities of love. :D

    It seems you two are culturally quite different, so only thing I'll add here is, that those things you feel for him should be rather strong feelings as very likely there will be quite a heap of differences you have to get to know and work out together. Can't say if that's the man to do such a thing for since I have never met him. (cheap way outta this thread, I know)
     
  19. thread starter macrumors 6502

    determined09

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    #19
     
  20. macrumors 601

    twietee

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    #20
    I was referring to marriage as a formality of love. But never mind, please don't take it personal.
     
  21. thread starter macrumors 6502

    determined09

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    #21
    I don't take it personal, sorry for the misunderstanding.
     
  22. RenoG, Feb 25, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2013

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    #22
    Ehhh besides him not telling you his past I'd be more concerned about the obvious. Personally (based on observations of family and friends) I'd say that any man who's been divorced multiple times puts up a big huge glaring red NO/RUN sign, no matter how nice and charming he is. Theirs a major problem there.

    Think about it, its obvious he has no problems attracting women such as yourself, even to the point of marriage (he's good, real good) however he fails miserably at marrige no doubt crushing at least three womens positive aspirations at having a family with him, they at the very least felt it was worth giving it shot with this guy so watch out for this dude (thats a warning).

    Don't set yourself up to be that fourth women....Be wise and pay attention to the obvious, and ask yourself what kind of a relationship YOU wish to have. Do you want one that has nothing to hide regardless of culture, or one that is secretive and leak shocking surprises through out your relationship.

    Also he sounds like user and or opportunist by asking all those financial status questions about you and your family.....These guys know that once they get you in the bed they are 96.7% successful. Stick to your guns, don't give in lady.
     
  23. determined09, Feb 25, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2013

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    determined09

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    #23
    His third marriage to a Nigerian lady that he had 3 kids with

    ----------

    On one outing , he noticed that I had just gotten new tires and he was trying and he was trying to buy my car from me. Because he wanted to send his car to Nigeria.

    ----------

    That why he kept saying lets sleep together because if would cause the two of us to bonding together.

    But the funny thing about the financial questions, he claimed that he worked in the Middle East and was making a year for 4 years straight.
     
  24. macrumors 65816

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    #24
    At almost 40 I think you can figure out what you need to do from here.
    Hope all goes well with you.:apple:
     
  25. macrumors 6502a

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    #25
    As a man, I am 38... stay away from him as far as you can. He will be lying about money, about jobs and then you will be divorcing him as well. He hasn't grow up and he wont.

    Love happens but then there comes a choice. He is a life lesson for you... protect yourself in front of temptations and false promises.

    Very good you came here at least. He is an scam.

    I mean, if I had divorced I could tell you, probably without details because things happen. But the fact that you are suspicious and not he wants nationality... he my be suffering from borderline disorder probably, and he will want you to feel guilty about his situation and that "you are bad for not understanding him".

    What happen to his life is not your fault nor your responsibility, blame his parents or blame himself because he is responsible of his own life and he is not a kid.

    Still... RUN AWAY! you will earn a huge deal of peace! and keep going for the good things to come.
     

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