Is your work Chemically Assisted?

Discussion in 'Community' started by patrick0brien, Mar 3, 2003.

  1. patrick0brien macrumors 68040

    patrick0brien

    Joined:
    Oct 24, 2002
    Location:
    The West Loop
    #1
    -Enjoy!

    BETTER CONSULTING THROUGH CHEMICALS

    The following is a list of available substances for your Consulting Chemical Toolbox. It describes the substance, the affect, benefit, and any drawbacks associated with the substance. Get to know how they will affect you, so you can best optimize the affects to the job at hand.

    Substance: Caffeine (Coffee, “Mountain Dew”, etc.)
    Affect: Sticking to ceiling, levitation, silly noises, seismic vibrations.
    Benefit: Effective motivator for performing repetitive work.
    Drawback: If taken at inopportune times, user can begin to resemble “Beavis” (of MTV fame), or “Sergeant Carter” (of Gomer Pyle fame) in mannerisms.

    Substance: Tobacco
    Affect: Brain capillary dilation.
    Benefit: Better organized thought processes.
    Drawback: Users tend to need oxygen at the worst times; coughing; cancer; death.

    Substance: Alcohol
    Affect: Slurred speech; uncoordinated movements; impaired thought processes; staggering into walls; stupor.
    Benefit: Stress relief.
    Drawback: Over-consumption tends to lead to praying to porcelain deity of choice (urinal, toilet, sink, etc.)

    Substance: Marijuana
    Affect: Rapid thought, time seems to dilate.
    Benefit: Able to analyze a challenge and provide solution in a tight time deadline.
    Drawback: User tends to get 'the munchies' in presentations with clients; often forgets subject mid-sentence; utter fascination with the movement of the second hand on clocks; passing out.

    Substance: Cocaine (“Snow”)
    Affect: Energetic euphoria
    Benefit: Enables user to perform highly effective and interactive presentations for clients; able to alter strategy mid-stream during implementations.
    Drawback: Scope creep tends to become rampant.

    Substance: Ecstasy
    Affect: ‘Stimulation’
    Benefit: Facilitates better interpersonal relationships with clients.
    Drawback: User tends to get fired.

    Substance: Methamphetamine (“Meth”)
    Affect: Extreme energy
    Benefit: Able to work for days at a time without rest.
    Drawback: User may attempt to leap buildings with a single bound, or fly home without a plane - Leash needed.

    Substance: Mushrooms (“Shrooms”)
    Affect: Hallucinations
    Benefit: Enabler for creating vivid graphical presentations; open, honest evaluation of PowerPoint and other presentations.
    Drawback: User tends to be found licking the screen, trying to taste orange, or blue.

    Substance: LSD (“Acid”)
    Affect: Hallucinations
    Benefit: Enabler for thinking waaaaaaaaaay outside the box. Thinking tends to be so far out of the box, in fact, the box might turn into a vase.
    Drawback: The vase that used to be a box might start bleeding on the user, causing the user to turn into a fish.

    Substance: Peyote
    Affect: Breaking down conscious-subconscious barrier, subconscious tends to be given form through hallucination.
    Benefit: Tend to facilitate the solving of deeply-rooted psychological challenges, e.g. shrink-in-a-bottle.
    Drawback: User tends to vomit…a lot.

    Substance: Heroin
    Affect: Euphoria
    Benefit: User not easily upset.
    Drawback: User tends to say “wow, man” a lot and not do much else; is deathly afraid of “the shakes”.

    Substance: Opium
    Affect: Depressant; sleep.
    Benefit: Effective at getting users over sleep deprivation.
    Drawback: God could land, and it wouldn’t wake the user.

    Substance: PCP (“Angel Dust”)
    Affect: Hysterical strength coupled with extremely high pain threshold.
    Benefit: Enables user to get to the 20th floor of a building quickly without the assistance of an elevator.
    Drawback: Tendency to pick up the bar with the bar tab; if user is aiming for a 20th floor window, make sure it’s open.

    Substance: Inhalants (Whiteout, glue, etc.)
    Affect: Detachment from reality.
    Benefit: Provides ability to sit through insipid sales presentations without falling asleep.
    Drawback: Blackouts; inability to recognize the end of afore-mentioned presentation.

    Substance: Crack Cocaine
    Affect: High intensity, short duration energy.
    Benefit: Enables user to sprint at superhuman speeds to intercept a proposal with a typo…in Brazil.
    Drawback: Burned fingers; if user is in mid-stride crossing the Caribbean (on way to Brazil) when the affects wear off, can lead to drowning.

    Substance: Helium
    Affect: Elevated vocal pitch.
    Benefit: Comedy relief; effective disposal of party balloons.
    Drawback: Tendency to sing “The Lollipop Guild” from “The Wizard of OZ”; unconsciousness.

    Substance: Nitrous Oxide
    Affect: Detachment from reality; humor susceptibility is increased.
    Benefit: Physical pain threshold of user is increased; antidepressant.
    Drawback: Uncontrollable laughing; morbid fear of dentist drill; tends to make “everything sound like an Atari game”.

    There are others among the colorful ranks of drugs and substances that can alter the performance capabilities of the consultant. Just be sure that one knows one’s tolerances and their personal reactions to these performance enhancers before employing. Also remember not to mix, as the result may be detrimental. For example it is known that mixing Opium and Alcohol can lead to Narcoleptic Bedwetting. Definitely not a desired performance factor.

    Remember that due to these new factors in consulting, ratings including these will now be present on your project reviews, and year-end reviews.

    Any more for the toolbox..? :D
     
  2. Eniregnat macrumors 68000

    Eniregnat

    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2003
    Location:
    In your head.
    #2
    Fear and Loathing on an Apple

    Wow.
    Wow.
    Wow.
    I need to get back to work now.

    Lucid day dreaming insomniac dyslexic with ADD- I don't need to alture my reality any more.
    They keep trying to give me drugs and I keep saying no.
    Perhaps I don’t know what I’m missing. Or not.

    Don't froget datura, ether, and what ever else Hunter S. Thompson and Carlos Castaneda or the Beat Poets experienced.
     
  3. eyelikeart Moderator emeritus

    eyelikeart

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2001
    Location:
    Metairie, LA
    #3
    caffeine...

    yeah...I've got a slight dependency...

    I'm up to about 3 cups a day...plus usually 2 diet cokes...

    then there's my chocolate jones...

    I get really bad headaches after 2 days of detox...

    really bad... :eek:
     
  4. patrick0brien thread starter macrumors 68040

    patrick0brien

    Joined:
    Oct 24, 2002
    Location:
    The West Loop
    #4
    A bit of history...

    ... and a disclaimer.

    I actually wrote that years ago when I was on a plane from Chicago to San Francisco. Usually I sleep, but couldn't, so I needed something to do. So I wrote that because I had been recently, questioned, half-seriously, 'Have you noticed the lack of drug testing at [my company at the time]?'. Well, needless to say, this, I couldn't pass up. The opportunity was too rare.

    My answer, I quipped, was that 'doing the right drugs at the right times might be GOOD for performance'. I quickly disclaimed for fear that this person might actually take me seriously.

    Well, due to the I'm-bored-on-the-plane-to-California-and-I-have-nothing-better-to-do-than-to-run-my-battery-down motivation, I began to write that. And I happened to be sitting next to quite the neurological conquistador, and he helped me get most of it in.

    But I think the results are good :D
     
  5. yzedf macrumors 65816

    yzedf

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2002
    Location:
    Connecticut
  6. Mr. Anderson Moderator emeritus

    Mr. Anderson

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2001
    Location:
    VA
    #6
    Caffene and alcohol only, still seems to work for me :D

    You forgot one important one though, the preservatives in all the food you go through.....

    D
     
  7. wdlove macrumors P6

    wdlove

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2002
    #7
    I'm addicted to caffeine, coffee 3 - 4 cups/day and Coke inthe evening.

    The only other Nitrous Oxide, only in connection with surgery!
     
  8. eyelikeart Moderator emeritus

    eyelikeart

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2001
    Location:
    Metairie, LA
    #8
    I also failed to mention the alcohol...

    for some reason...in the past I've gotten more creative & "skilled" with photography...

    weird... :rolleyes:
     
  9. WinterMute Moderator emeritus

    WinterMute

    Joined:
    Jan 19, 2003
    Location:
    London, England
    #9
    Nothing like sleep deprivation...

    Give it three or four days and you'll laugh in the face of chemical enhancement, the endorphins alone will put you in orbit:D

    Drawbacks: Falling asleep in mid stride whilst walking home. Waking up in casualty!

    I did 102 hours on a studio gig in 1991 straight down the line, no drugs bar tea and chocolate.
    I hallucinated flowers for faders at one point:p

    Still, it was all for Charidee mate...
     
  10. 3rdpath macrumors 68000

    3rdpath

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2002
    Location:
    2nd star on the right and straight till morning
    #10
    well there was a time i could claim no less than 5 of these substances on a regular basis...but i don't think any of them made me more creative so whats the point.

    so now the tool box contains lotsa coffee, dr. peppers and cohibas.

    and i'll second wintermutes sleep deprivation theory...some of the strangest and most creative lyrics i've written came during marathon studio sessions.
     
  11. rainman::|:| macrumors 603

    rainman::|:|

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2002
    Location:
    iowa
  12. 3rdpath macrumors 68000

    3rdpath

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2002
    Location:
    2nd star on the right and straight till morning
    #12
    you know that leads to snorting ajax don't you....
     
  13. voicegy macrumors 65816

    voicegy

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2002
    Location:
    Sandy Eggo - MacRumors Member since 1-1-2002
    #13
    Nothing beats shooting Liquid Eyeliner.



    (gotta be a John Waters fan to get that one)
     
  14. timbloom macrumors 6502a

    timbloom

    Joined:
    Jan 19, 2002
    #14
    i am almost always assisted by caffeine and nicotine. Often times assisted by alcohol, this is when you will see pointless posts often filled with misspelled words or phrases.
     
  15. topicolo macrumors 68000

    topicolo

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2002
    Location:
    Ottawa, ON
    #15
    Don't forget snorting crushed Rocket candies
     

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