John Kerry's Resume

Discussion in 'Politics, Religion, Social Issues' started by dsharits, Aug 27, 2004.

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  1. dsharits macrumors 68000

    dsharits

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2004
    Location:
    The People's Republic of America
    #1
    NAME: John Forbes Kerry

    RESIDENCE: 7 mansions, including Washington, DC, worth multimillions.

    EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
    Law Enforcement: I voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA and defense bill in my career as a US Senator. I ordered Boston to remove a fire hydrant, which I considered unsightly, from in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire.

    MILITARY:
    I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the military and service in Vietnam (as documented by the attending doctor). I then returned to the US, joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war, and insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming they committed atrocities and were baby killers. I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Or did I? My book, "Vietnam Veterans Against the War: The New Soldier," shows how I truly feel about the military. I deplore the military!

    COLLEGE:
    I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. Unlike my opponent, George W. Bush, I have no higher education and did not get admitted to Harvard nor graduate with an M.B.A

    PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
    I ran for U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. I have no real world experience except that of a gigolo, by marrying rich women and running HJ Heinz vicariously through my wife, Teresa.

    ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
    As a US Senator I set the record for the most liberal voting record, exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton. I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against budgets, thus gutting our country's ability to defend itself.

    Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that I voted for it. I voted for every liberal piece of legislation. I have no plan to help this country but I intend to raise taxes significantly if I am elected.

    My wealth so far exceeds that of my opponent, George Bush, that he will never catch up. I make few charitable contributions and have never agreed to voluntarily pay any excess taxes in Massachusetts, despite family wealth in excess of $700-million.

    I (we) own 28 manufacturing plants (Heinz) outside of the U.S. in places like Asia, Mexico and Europe. We can make more profit from the cheaper cost of labor in those countries, although I continue to blame George Bush for sending all of the jobs out of country.

    Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard as it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts.

    RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

    None.

    PERSONAL

    I ride a Serotta Bike.

    My Gulfstream V Jet I call "The Flying Squirrel."

    I call my $850,000 42-foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht the "Scarmouche."

    I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and feel it reflects our real culture.

    I own several "large" SUVs, including one parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, though I am against large, polluting, inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for the energy problems.

    PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004. :rolleyes:
     
  2. pseudobrit macrumors 68040

    pseudobrit

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2002
    Location:
    Jobs' Spare Liver Jar
    #2
  3. mactastic macrumors 68040

    mactastic

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2003
    Location:
    Colly-fornia
    #3
    Hahaha! Now that's funny. It's rare to find such searing satire these days.

    Oh wait, you take this seriously don't you.... :D

    I assure you Dubya's resume is less impressive.
     
  4. IJ Reilly macrumors P6

    IJ Reilly

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2002
    Location:
    Palookaville
    #5
    Hey, wake up over there. This is what passes for deep thinking these days.
     
  5. mypantsaretight macrumors newbie

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2004
    #6
    It is amazing to see just how many posts here blithely pass off regurgitated propaganda as some sort of intellectual contribution to a discussion. Apparently a great many libraries are closed.

    m
     
  6. zimv20 macrumors 601

    zimv20

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2002
    Location:
    toronto
    #7
    libraries or brains?
     
  7. Hoef macrumors 6502a

    Hoef

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2004
    Location:
    Houston, TX..... (keep walking)
    #8
    I thought he only spend 40 years in the Senate
     
  8. frescies macrumors regular

    Joined:
    Dec 9, 2002
    Location:
    Los Angeles, CA
    #9
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