Jokes or something light.

Discussion in 'Politics, Religion, Social Issues' started by Neserk, May 20, 2004.

  1. Neserk macrumors 6502a

    Neserk

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2004
    #1
    This is my favorite forum but it is starting to depress me. I need place to go for something light. So post your favorite jokes here.

    PS I've tried the Community discussion but there are too many posters there. It makes me agoraphobic :D
     
  2. LethalWolfe macrumors G3

    LethalWolfe

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2002
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    #2

    Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?



    So the Nazi's can march in the shade. :insert rim shot:

    I figured the Political forum deserved a political joke. :)


    Lethal
     
  3. Neserk thread starter macrumors 6502a

    Neserk

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2004
  4. zimv20 macrumors 601

    zimv20

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    Jul 18, 2002
    Location:
    toronto
  5. Neserk thread starter macrumors 6502a

    Neserk

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2004
    #5
    :D
     
  6. pseudobrit macrumors 68040

    pseudobrit

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2002
    Location:
    Jobs' Spare Liver Jar
    #6
    Duck walks into a bar, jumps up on the bar and asks the barkeep for grapes
    Bartender says We don't have any grapes
    Duck walks out
    Next day duck walks into the bar, jumps up and asks the barkeep Do you have any grapes
    Barkeeps says, no, same as yesterday, no grapes
    Next day duck walks into the bar. Do you have any grapes, he says.
    No the barkeep says and you ask me for grapes again I'll nail your feet to this ****ing bar, now get out!
    Next day the duck walks into the bar, jumps up. Asks the bartender Got any nails?
    No, says the barkeep.
    Duck asks, Got any grapes?
     
  7. IJ Reilly macrumors P6

    IJ Reilly

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2002
    Location:
    Palookaville
    #7
    Walks into a bar jokes... my favorite genre.

    A panda walks into a bar and orders a hamburger. When he's finished the hamburger, he pulls out a revolver, fires it three times into the ceiling and runs out the door. Everybody in the bar is amazed to see this behavior from a panda. Somebody says let's find a dictionary, so we can look it up. So they do.

    "P... panda... member of the bear family... native of China... eats shoots and leaves!"
     
  8. LethalWolfe macrumors G3

    LethalWolfe

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2002
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    #8
    Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.


    Lethal
     
  9. skunk macrumors G4

    skunk

    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2002
    Location:
    Republic of Ukistan
    #9
    Did you hear about the two maggots who were talking in dead Ernest?
     
  10. amnesiac1984 macrumors 6502a

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2002
    Location:
    Europe
    #10
    A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
    --

    A piece of string walks into a bar. He hops up onto a stool and yells to the bartender, "Hey! Gimme a drink!" The bartender picks up the string and throws it into the street. The string thinks, "I'll show 'im. I'll go back in disguise, he won't know it's me, and at the last minute I'll humiliate him. So the string contorts its body into a whole different shape, and frizzes its hair ala a 'fro. It goes back in, hops onto the stool and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "You're that piece of string I threw out 5 minutes ago." The string*answers, "No. I'm a frayed knot."
     
  11. radhak macrumors regular

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2003
    Location:
    NJ, USA
    #11
    I like this thread...

    There's a seminar on Ghosts, and the speaker is just beginning.

    "So, lets see, how many of you have heard of Ghosts?". All hands go up.

    "Good, Good. And how many have heard or seen Ghosts?". Some hands stay up.

    "Very Good. And how many have talked to Ghosts?". Very few hands stay up.

    "Wow, you all have talked to Ghosts? Interesting, very interesting. Now how many have had sex with Ghosts?" Silence prevails, and all hands drop off, but one.

    The speaker is really interested as are all attendees. "Sir, can you please stand up?". A man diffidently stands up and looks around. "Sir, you are the first person I have ever met who has had sex with Ghosts. Can you please explain and describe how that happened?

    The man stares at the speaker and speaks hesitantly, "Oh, Ghosts? I thought Goats".
     
  12. Lyle macrumors 68000

    Lyle

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2003
    Location:
    Madison, Alabama
    #12
    Oh, stop shilling for Lynne Truss! ;)
     
  13. Lyle macrumors 68000

    Lyle

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2003
    Location:
    Madison, Alabama
    #13
    A duck waddles into a bar, hops up on a barstool and orders a beer. The bartender is stunned at this talking duck but pours him a beer. The duck hangs around for about an hour, chatting with the other customers and having a few more drinks. Later, when the duck gets ready to leave, he tells the bartender, "Thanks. I'm working as a bricklayer at the construction site next door, so I should be back in here tomorrow around quitting time." Then he hops down and waddles out.

    As soon as the duck's out the door, the bartender grabs the phone and calls a friend who is a circus ringleader. He tells his friend the whole story of the talking duck. "You've got to be over here tomorrow evening if he shows up again!"

    Sure enough, the next day around quitting time, in waddles the duck. Like before, he hops up on a barstool and orders a beer. The circus ringleader approaches the duck and says, "You know, I run a circus and we could really use someone with your, umm, unique abilities. What would it take for you to come to work for me? Money is no object, just name your price!"

    The duck puts down his drink and ponders this offer for a moment. "Let me get this straight..." he begins. "You run the circus, right?"

    "Yes, that's right," replies the ringleader.

    "And... it takes place under a big tent, right?"

    "Yeah, yeah, that's it."

    "And the people sit around on bleachers or chairs or something, under the tent, right?"

    "Yes, that's how it works," replies the ringleader, starting to get a little agitated.

    "And the floor is just covered with sand and sawdust, right?" asks the duck.

    "Yes, you've got the picture. So what do you say?"









    "Well, what I don't understand is... what do you need a bricklayer for?"
     
  14. mactastic macrumors 68040

    mactastic

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2003
    Location:
    Colly-fornia
    #14
    Two baby seals walk into a club....

    or

    Q. How does Snoop Dogg do his laundry?
    A. With bleeotch!

    Q. How does Hitler tie his shoezies?
    A. In little knotzies.
     
  15. Lyle macrumors 68000

    Lyle

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2003
    Location:
    Madison, Alabama
    #15
    Q. Why did Snoop Dogg take his umbrella?
    A. Fo' drizzle.
     
  16. IJ Reilly macrumors P6

    IJ Reilly

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2002
    Location:
    Palookaville
    #17
    A man hears a knock at his front door. He opens it, but finds nobody there. As he's closing the door, he spots a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws in it the trash. Two years later he hears another knock at the door. Again, nobody can be seen. But there's a snail on the doorstep. And the snail says, "So what was that all about?"
     
  17. skunk macrumors G4

    skunk

    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2002
    Location:
    Republic of Ukistan
    #18
    Thank you. Brilliant, incisive and to the point. Couldn't have put it better myself. :D :D
     
  18. zimv20 macrumors 601

    zimv20

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2002
    Location:
    toronto
    #19
    a man is at the jewelry counter, picking up something for his wife. next to him is a man with a pumpkin head. the first man tries for several minutes to ignore the pumpkin head man, but eventually he has to ask:

    "excuse me, sir, but i couldn't help but notice you have a pumpkin head..."
    "and you want to know why?"
    "yes, if you don't mind"

    the pumpkin head man tells his story:

    several years ago, i was in New Orleans for mardi gras and i wandered into an antique shop. it was small and overstocked, hard to navigate the aisles, and when i turned a corner i knocked a small, metal lamp onto the floor. and a genie flew out! a real, no-foolin' genie.

    the genie said, "you freed me, and i shall grant you three wishes." i was, of course, skeptical, but told him i wanted to be rich. the genie crossed his arms and said, "very well," and immediately paper money began flying out of the lamp, and gold coins and jewelry began to stack up around me!

    for my second wish, i wished for a beautiful and talented wife and wonderful children. the genie crossed his arms and said, "very well," and i was granted knowledge of a wife and kids who were at my house, waiting for me to come home, and i knew i loved them very much.

    the genie said, "you have one more wish, choose wisely." i thought about it for a minute, and said, "you know, i'd like a pumpkin head."
     
  19. skunk macrumors G4

    skunk

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    Jun 29, 2002
    Location:
    Republic of Ukistan
    #20
    Hmmm.
     
  20. IJ Reilly macrumors P6

    IJ Reilly

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2002
    Location:
    Palookaville
    #21
    Do you get it? I don't.

    Anyway, what do you get when you throw a bomb into a French kitchen?

    Linoleum blown apart.
     
  21. skunk macrumors G4

    skunk

    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2002
    Location:
    Republic of Ukistan
    #22
    nm
     
  22. zimv20 macrumors 601

    zimv20

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2002
    Location:
    toronto
    #23
    what's not to get? he wanted a pumpkin head. the long build up is what makes it so funny.
     
  23. IJ Reilly macrumors P6

    IJ Reilly

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2002
    Location:
    Palookaville
    #24
    Uh huh, okay.

    So a horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says to him, "Say, buddy, why the long face?"
     
  24. zimv20 macrumors 601

    zimv20

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2002
    Location:
    toronto
    #25
    and the horse says, "because i'm a horse"

    :)
     

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