Moving out of the 'rents... advice needed

Discussion in 'Community' started by chibianh, Jun 15, 2005.

  1. chibianh macrumors 6502a

    chibianh

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2001
    Location:
    Colorado
    #1
    Hey guys.. here's another "I'm moving out of my parents' house and need advice" thread. Basically, I just need advice on two issues.

    1. I plan on moving out by the end of summer with my girlfriend. I haven't told my parents yet. Why? I'm afraid to. My parents (especially my mom) are more 'traditional' than I am. They don't want me moving out unless I get a job in another state, or get married... and even then they'll want my wife to move in with us. They like the family to stay together. But I've thought about it.. it's my life, i'm an adult now (22), and i've made a decision to move out. So... how should I break it to them? I need to tell them... soon. I really can't see them, especially my mom, being too happy. I don't want to leave on bad terms and I do want to visit them often.

    2. My girlfriend and I will split the costs. We are looking for a small 1 or 2 bedroom place. What kind of expenses should we expect? We have planned things out, but there's always the unexpected and I was hoping some of you can point some out.

    We've been together for almost 7 years now. We want to live together for a bit before getting married. Just making the transition to living together now instead of having to deal with it right after marrying.
     
  2. Pittsax macrumors 6502

    Pittsax

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    #2
    Well...as far as the first one goes, I don't think there is any easy way to tell them. You may think you're an adult now (and you may even be right), but you your parents you'll always be their kid, especially when you still live with them. I suggest talking to them asap, so you can clear the air while there's still time for them to get used to the idea. IMO, the worst thing to do would be to leave it to the last minute, since then it'd seem like you were sneaking around behind their back, which will only lead to more angst.

    As far as expenses go, you'll have to deal with the monthly rent (naturally), probably utilities (electric, water, gas), cable (if you get it), internet (if you get it), phone. Some places you have to pay for the sewer or the garbage (but not most).

    Also, don't forget about a lot of things you take for granted that you'll need to buy. For me, the biggest expense in this area was kitchen things. Plates, utensils, cookware...you'll be surprised how quickly those things add up.
     
  3. alex_ant macrumors 68020

    alex_ant

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    #3
    Big mistake. Couples who live together before marriage are about 33% more likely to end up divorcing than those who don't. If you are seriously worried that you might split up because you can't stand each other's "faults and habits" every day, then you are almost certainly not cut out for marriage in the first place and should probably split up ASAP to avoid wasting any more of your fertile life.

    Besides, cohabitation without marriage is sacrilege, and you don't want to burn in Hell for eternity do you?
     
  4. chibianh thread starter macrumors 6502a

    chibianh

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    Colorado
    #4
    Really? I would think living together before marriage helps. Where did you find these statistics? As far as the every day faults and habits, I figure I could get to know them now instead of later. As far as splitting up ASAP.. HAHAHAHA. no.. we've been together for 7 years. If I couldn't stand some of her habits, I wouldn't stay with her for that long. And Let's not turn this into a religious debate with your sacrilege comment. Besides, I'd rather do 'cohabitation' without marriage than marriage then divorce.
     
  5. wdlove macrumors P6

    wdlove

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    Oct 20, 2002
    #5
    I'm surprised that after knowing each other for almost seven years, that you aren't aware of compatibility. Call me old fashioned. I met my wife around Valentine's Day and were married the following September. We are happily married, it will be 33 years this coming September.

    When you rent there is usually the first and last month rent, sometimes a security deposit. You should set up a budget ahead of time. What you need to setup house keeping will depend on the items that you have already accumulated. A lot of what you will need are the items that you see around your parents house. Making a list is very important.

    It is very important that you talk with your parents as soon as possible. Waiting won't make it any easier. Knowing what bills your parents have will also give you an idea of what to expect also.
     
  6. chibianh thread starter macrumors 6502a

    chibianh

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    Nov 6, 2001
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    Colorado
    #6
    Ah.. thanks wdlove. I reworded my original post as i must've come off wrong about being compatible. I have no doubt in my mind we were meant for each other. We just want to deal with the transition of moving in together before marriage so we won't have to deal with it when we get married.
     
  7. wdlove macrumors P6

    wdlove

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    Oct 20, 2002
    #7
    I will admit that it has been over thirty years since I went through what you are dealing with now. Don't really remember having any difficulty with the transition. Love conquers all, it means having respect for each other. If you really knew me, it would completely surprise you that I got married. Look how it has worked out. At some point you just have to make the tough decision or else you will just keep putting off making the decision.
     
  8. alex_ant macrumors 68020

    alex_ant

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    #8
    The cohabitation-divorce linkage has been pretty much common knowledge for the past 40 years or so. 33% is one of the more conservative estimates - I've seen numbers as high as 70%. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but don't ask me why it is that way, it just is. I would encourage you to Google this very important subject or (far better) go to the library and ask the reference librarian for a good source for marriage statistics.

    On a more personal note... You've been together for 7 years. What are you waiting for? Just get married already. What, are you worried that you'll get turned off by her tooth-brushing rhythm or something?

    By the way, I was just kidding about the burning in Hell thing... heathen
     
  9. wordmunger macrumors 603

    wordmunger

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    Sep 3, 2003
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    North Carolina
    #9
    Hey, congratulations. I think that is what I would have done if my wife and I didn't have to move to a new city. We married straight out of college, moving from Chicago to New York to start grad school. We figured, if we're committed enough to move to a new city together, we're committed enough to get married. If we were just staying in the same city, I think we would have lived together for a while.

    I don't have much advice for breaking it to your parents. It sounds like you and your mother are close, so I suspect that she'll eventually forgive you. I'd say let them know you in advance that you have an important announcement that may be disappointing to them, then sit down with them on the appointed day and just tell them what you're doing without beating around the bush. Then make it clear that you've got a PLAN.

    The initial expenses of a new apartment can be very daunting -- 1st/last months rent, security deposit, and all the general household implements you need. It's VERY easy to overspend during the first couple of months, so you'll need to be very disciplined financially. Once you're in a more or less steady state of living together, things are much easier to deal with. Make sure you and your girlfriend TALK about money. Money is the number one cause of fights in relationships.
     
  10. CanadaRAM macrumors G5

    CanadaRAM

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    On the Left Coast - Victoria BC Canada
    #10
    Don't forget renters/tenants insurance. If the guy with the apartment below you smokes in bed & you lose everything, without insurance you are totally hooped. See if you can get an insurance quote before you commit to renting a place -- it may be more expensive in certain types of buildings.
     
  11. wordmunger macrumors 603

    wordmunger

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    #11
    I did google it, and found that the organizations touting this data were largely conservative religious groups. Here's a link to some interesting objections to the research (again, obviously a biased source). The main point is that there are other factors, such as race, income, etc. that are more important in determining whether a couple will stay together than cohabitation. Basically, the way YOU conduct YOUR relationship is going to determine whether you stay together, not some government study.
     
  12. PlaceofDis macrumors Core

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2004
    #12
    hey congrats, i think living together before marriage is great, you have to know a person inside and out if you are going to be in it for the long haul, at least thats my take on it. my ex and i lived together for three years, part of that time we were engaged, it was hard at first, we realized that we had to put up with every aspect of the other's lives, she found someone else though and thats how things go.....

    tell your parents asap, and let them know how big of a step this is for you and how excited you are. it is a big occasion and i wish you the best of luck, just remember not to be upset with your 'rents if they aren't all that happy with your decision. but you will not be living under their roof so their rules will not apply to you anymore, they will come around eventually, but it will take time.

    as has been mentioned its when you first move out that things are the worst expense wise. buying furniture, decorations, plates, etc really adds up fast, try to start buying things as much ahead of time, the small things that you can keep packed away, that way it wont hit you all at once.

    renters insurance is a must too


    and of course good luck and best wishes
     
  13. cheekyspanky macrumors 6502a

    cheekyspanky

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    Jan 21, 2004
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    South Bucks, UK
    #13
    This is one of the good things of going to University..it gives you an easy excuse to leave, and your parents see it as being for your own good so they're not upset and think you're leaving just to get away from them! Then after a few years they don't want you back because they enjoy having so much time to themselves! :D

    How about dropping some hints? Like leaving estate agent brochures in easy view - eventually your parents will get the hint and it won't be such a surprise when you do sit them down and tell them!

    Or maybe that's a really bad idea..I'm not good at this stuff :p
     
  14. CanadaRAM macrumors G5

    CanadaRAM

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    On the Left Coast - Victoria BC Canada
    #14
    The population is self-selecting: Those whose religious or cultural values preclude pre-marital cohabitation likely have religious or cultural inhibitions to divorce as well.

    But I say the argument is immaterial, because it labels as undesirable the ability to leave a union in which one or both partners is unhappy. Which is more destructive, to be bound for life in an unhappy or unsuitable marriage, or to have the ability for the couple to leave the marriage and have the chance of happier lives?

    Here are statistics from a relatively trustworthy source (US Centre for Disease Control)
    http://www.psychpage.com/family/mod_couples_thx/cdc.html

    "Community prosperity is related to relationship stability, with cohabitation being more likely to lead to marriage in prosperous areas (27% more likely for White women, 13% more likely for Black women), and both marriage and cohabitation being more likely to fail in poor neighborhoods.

    ... charts correlating male unemployment and poverty level ...

    Thus, Black women were more likely to live in poor neighborhoods, and less likely to get and stay married.

    33% of all first marriages end in separation or divorce after 10 years (32% of White women, 34% of hispanic women, and 47% of Black women).

    Divorce is more likely when women marry at a younger age (48% of brides married before age 18 divorce in 10 years, compared to 24% married at age 25 or later), have a lower level of education, come from a single-parent home (12% more likely), were raped (same for all three ethnic groups), suffer from GAD, had a child before marriage or within 7 months of the marriage, and cohabitated before marriage (18% for non-cohabitators versus 24% for cohabitators)"

    So cohabitation accounts for an increase of 33% in the rate of divorce (from 18 - 24%) - Note that this 33% is NOT a measurement of the number of divorces, it is the 6 point increase in the rate.

    However, FAR more impact to the divorce rate is marrying young, being poor or losing your job.

    "It's better for your relationship to be educated, religious, living in a good neighborhood, from a two parent home, and never raped, and have no children"
     
  15. QCassidy352 macrumors G3

    QCassidy352

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    Bay Area
    #15
    Exactly what I was going to say. That statistic proves a correlation, not a causal relationship. Look for the "Z" factor (i.e. X didn't cause Y, Z caused both X and Y) - religiosity is a good guess here. A lot of religiously conservative people don't live together before getting married and also don't believe in divorce. That doesn't mean their marriages are happier or more successful, unless you define success as nothing other than "not getting divorced," which I think is pretty silly. Being married and miserable is an even worse outcome than getting divorced.

    Let me also warn you to be careful. I'm around your age (23) and started living with my girlfriend of (at the time) 3.5 years last summer. We both felt that we would get married one day and be together forever. 9 months after moving in together, we split up and she moved back home. It would have been unimaginable this time last year... but here we are.

    I'm not saying you shouldn't live together (after all, you have to eventually if you're getting married some day), just that cohabitating is a whole different ballgame from anything that you've done before. No matter how long you've been together and how much you love each other, living together presents challenges that you just can't imagine before you try it. Sadly, it is my experience that love does not necessarily conquer all.

    I wish you all the best with this next phase of your relationship - I hope your story has a happier ending than mine.
     
  16. Chip NoVaMac macrumors G3

    Chip NoVaMac

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    #16

    In some ways you never truly know a person, unless you live with them.

    Somethings that might pop up in regards to living together and expenses: job loss, illness, car breaking down, unknown bills by your GF or yourself.

    You mentioned about not having to deal with a messy divorce, if things didn't work out. But without marriage, you might find it hard to get on to either's health insurance if needed. Depending on the laws in your state, you may find your self in a common-law marriage - and that can be just as messy.

    About telling your parents that is tough, not knowing them. Sure telling them early may be rough, but on the flip side you might need to move out on the same day you tell them. Only you can really guess the direction that they may go.
     
  17. Dr. Dastardly macrumors 65816

    Dr. Dastardly

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    #17
    Just do what you feel is right. If you can afford to move out and pay the bills along with food and such then I say go for it.

    Do NOT waste anymore time talking to your parents. If you wait to long this will blow up in your face. Worst case scenario is that it will turn into some sort of arguement that I'm sure will blow over after a while. Its much better to be sooner rather than later.

    But really, do they really think you are going to get married and then still live with them after words. Thats just a recipe for disaster.

    Just do what you think is right, tell your parents of your plans, and make sure you have enough between the two of you to cover everything with some left over so you will not be house broke. That is VERY important, DO NOT be housebroke. The number 1 cause of all breakups is money. Thats just the plain and simple truth. If you guys dont have enough to go out every once in a while then you guys will really resent it later.

    But you sound like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders and have thought it through but just think about this...

    If your afraid to tell your parents that you are going to move out with her, then are you really ready to move out with her.
     
  18. iSaint macrumors 603

    iSaint

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    South Mississippi y'all, near the water!
    #18
    I can't add to any advice already given here. Renters insurance is cheap, and it's a must. Beware of putting things in both of your names, not yet anyway. Start saving for retirement NOW! NOW NOW NOW! There's some calculation about how much you'll have at 65 if you invest like $2,000 a year for ten years starting at your age....ends up well over a million dollars. Save for a wedding, too. Take care of your money together, talk about it together.

    Will she tell her parents first? It would be great if you had everyone's support in this. Or maybe have a dinner and tell both sets of parents at the same time.
     
  19. Mr. Anderson Moderator emeritus

    Mr. Anderson

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    Nov 1, 2001
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    VA
    #19
    Even though you have reservations about moving out and dealing with your parents - you should just tell them. It should probably help in the long run and don't let them or your relationship with them cloud your judgment. Stick to your plan.

    And you never know, they might end up supporting you in this next step of your life. You'll need furniture and all sorts of things you probably haven't thought of. Besides, if you're living in the same town, it probably will be nice to come back home for meals occasionally, so don't get too frustrated if things don't go as well as you'd like.

    And I lived with my wife for 3 years before we got married - we actually bought a house together before we were even engaged :D I think it helps living together before hand...

    Good luck,

    D
     
  20. Nanda Devi macrumors regular

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    Jan 25, 2004
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    East Lansing, Michigan
    #20
    I'm in sort of the opposite position from you Chibianh, in that I've been with my boyfriend almost 8 years now, but we've lived together for about 7 of those. Oddly enough, we've lived as if we were married (i.e., share money, car, plan for the future together, etc.) for so long now that we almost see no reason to get married, especially since neither of us is religious.

    Anyway, I certainly couldn't imagine marrying someone without living with them first. People jump into marriage too damn fast these days, then they realize they don't really know the person, don't have the same interests, don't really talk to them... and next thing you know they want a divorce.

    So go for the "cohabitation" before you get hitched. You've got to know if you can live with someone first. Don't forget, that means EVERY DAY, and you share everything and pay bills together and all of that. You've been together this long, I'm sure you know each other, but living with someone really is a different level in a relationship.

    Also, don't forget that you're only 22 years old (didn't actually realize that till I was almost done writing this). That means you started the relationship when you were just a kid - no doubt you're a different person now, and guess what: you'll be even more different 5 or 10 years from now. I'm not trying to be negative, but realisticaly since you're so young there's always a chance that you or your girlfriend (or both of you) will "grow out of" this relationship. Living together will be a good test of that.

    ND
     
  21. Chip NoVaMac macrumors G3

    Chip NoVaMac

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    Northern Virginia
    #21
    As I mentioned be fore laws are different in some states after living together for a length of time.

    In my case my ex and I are gay. We had been fighting for the right to the same rights of the "married" folks for sometime. Hindsight is wonderful, since if we had been granted the right to marry, I would be a greater world of financial hurt than I am now. Beyond the $20K+ that I loaned, I would most likely be forced to give up half the equity in my TH sale. And given their present health "crisis", I would probably be required to provide support payments.

    It cold as it sounds, but I would suggest that anyone living together, not under marriage (as a friend told me - that is what pre-nups are for), to document any financial obligation in writing. It protects each party. And do so by a lawyers hand. This way they can not claim duress.
     
  22. Nanda Devi macrumors regular

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    Jan 25, 2004
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    East Lansing, Michigan
    #22

    Good points, and I can see where you're coming from regarding putting the financial obligation in writing to protect both parties. But I do feel that both of us are comfortable in our situation and we simply haven't felt the need to set up any arrangement to protect ourselves... although perhaps that is a little naive. I also hadn't noticed your earlier post where you mention common law marriage. I know Michigan doesn't recognize common law marriages. Anyway, we do plan to get married some day. It's just a matter of time really.
     
  23. Chip NoVaMac macrumors G3

    Chip NoVaMac

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    #23
    I place these warnings only because of the hard learned lessons since the first of the year. I realize now that I was in a codependency relationship. Beyond that, I thought we were "comfortable" too. Otherwise i would not have staked my TH's future on his ability to "make good" on his promises.

    I know that I sound like the bitter "divorcee", and that is not my intent or purpose. I realize that for every "bad" relationship like mine, there should be at least one good one. But a 50/50 chance is not worth betting your financial future on, regardless of your age.

    In my case, I found out only after the fact that 13 years of "comfort" was all a lie. And if I had my eyes wide open in the last five to six years, I would have been much better off. But love blinds. In my case, my ex has been dealing with a brain tumor or cancer for at least that long from what we now, along with maybe some other mental health issues. It was his denial that led me to the actions a couple of months ago.

    What is either strange or sad - maybe heroic by some accounts - is that up till I gave him the final notice that he had to find his own place - I was ready to sell the TH and for him to seek the help he needed.

    For those that have not followed the saga in other threads - he spent a week and half homeless (with our dog, Chewey) in Florida after he left the TH. It was only after I and his mother found out the truth about his "move" to Florida - that we took action to get him back home for treatment. I had many nights with only 4 hours or so of sleep. Many hours on the phone with On-Star and his cell-phone company - all to ensure his safe return.

    It has only been in the process of packing and moving to a new apartment, that I truly found out just how deceived I was by him (in the end, he looked at me as his "cash cow" - his words, not mine. Yes, I am bitter. At the same point I waffle on my own responses to the situation.

    In the I feel that any financial obligations need to be spelled out in a legal document that can stand the test of the courts. Also actions need to be taken to ensure that you can seek and participate in any medical needs that might arise.
     
  24. chibianh thread starter macrumors 6502a

    chibianh

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2001
    Location:
    Colorado
    #24
    Thanks for the responses all. I will talk to my parents this weekend. As for her parents, they already know and are pretty cool about it. We have already begun buying the little things and saving up plenty of money. We have also recently been looking around. She and I are picky people so it's been kind of tough finding the right place. :)
     
  25. Chip NoVaMac macrumors G3

    Chip NoVaMac

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    Dec 25, 2003
    Location:
    Northern Virginia
    #25

    Good to hear. May God bless you both on your new journey. Be sure to invite us all to the wedding! :)
     

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