New Microsoft News off the AP Wire!!

Discussion in 'Community' started by sickboy_osX, Nov 25, 2002.

  1. sickboy_osX macrumors regular

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    #1
    Microsoft Corp. Bids to Acquire Mormon Church


    Salt Lake City (AP) -- In a joint press confrence at the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints new Confrence Center this morning Microsoft Corporation (nasdaq MSFT) and the leadership of the Mormon Church. Announced that the Redmond, Washington software giant will acquire the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, in exchange for an undisclosed number of share of Microsoft common stock. If the deal goes through though, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

    With the acquisition, Gordon B. Hinkley the "Prophet, Seer and Revelatior" of the mormon church will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new religious software division, While Microsoft senior vice-presidents Micheal Maples (Internet Explorer division) and Jim Alchin (Windows Development) will become stake presidents in the Seattle area, said Microsoft Chairman Steve Ballmer.

    "We expect alot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years" said CEO and Chief Software Architect William H. Gates III. "The combined resources of Microsoft and the Mormon Church will allow us to make religon easier and more fun for a broader range of people."

    Through MSN, Microsoft's on-line service, "We will make the Sacrament available on-line for the first time" and will revive the pre Hinkley practices of selling products other than church related material at Beehive Book. Said Gates "You can get Called, and Released, Have Personal Bishops interviews, and get your temple recommend -- even take steps to get to the celestial kingdom -- all without leaving home."

    A New software application Microsoft Church, will include a macro language in which you can program to donate up 10% of your montly income right into the Zions Bancorp account for the mormon church, even when your not at your computer.

    An estimated 19,000 people attended the announcement at Temple Square and in the confrence center watching on a 60 foot scteen as legendary football player Steve Young hosted the event which was broadcast world wide to every stake center.

    Gordon B. Hinkley was active in the announcement, and when taking questions from the media, said to gates "I guess you should see the temple and get some garments so that you can get ready for your mission"

    The deal grants Microsoft exclusive electronic rights to the Book of Mormon, the mainstay of the mormon religion, as well as the Doctirne and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price. as well as the Church's entire family history and vault contents. But critics say Microsoft will fce stiff challeneges if it attempts to limit competitor's access to these key intellectual properties.

    "The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi Emanuel Goldstein of New York City. "You take the journey by Nephi and his family to the promised land, and then look at Noah and the ark, which one is first, and which one is more beliveable, we had thousands of years before you Mormons came on the scene."

    But others argue, that the Mormon and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrhamiuc heritage. "The Mormon church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audiance," nots Brigham Young University FARMS researcher M. Catherine Thomas. "Over the last 160 years, the Mormon church's market share has increast dramatically while Judiasm which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind"

    Historically the Church has a reputation as an agressive competitor, leading wagon teams outwest, and donating manpower and units to the Civil War, as well as massicuring innocent people who were rummored to be dissadents. Also it leads crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Mormonisim, and entering into exlusive licensing arangements in various areas, whereby all subjects were instilled with Mormonisim, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Mormonisim is available from several different denomonations, but the Mormon version is still the most widly used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the eareth" echoing Microsoft's own vision of a computer on every desktop in every home."

    Gates and Ballmer desrived Microsoft's long term strategy to develop a scalable religous architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with the same interface, according to the desires by the Church saying "We need to have a common solidarity in the Operating System so everyone can be a member and be saved in the celiestial kingdom" said Hinkley.

    The Microsoft move has sparked a wave of mergers and acquisitions according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist confrence, who would neither confirm or deny the fact that The Southern Baptist has been in talks with Sun Microsystems. Calls to RedHat Linux, and Apple Computer were not returned by press time regarding discussions they are rumored to be having with the Athiests of America.

    the New Microsoft will trade on the NYSE with the ticker symbol rulds2
     
  2. al256 macrumors 6502a

    al256

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    #2
    Re: New Microsoft News off the AP Wire!!

    We all know how true that is...
     
  3. MacCoaster macrumors 6502a

    MacCoaster

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    #3
    Where the hell is this article?

    LOL. Where did you find that?

    I browsed around AP News Wire and couldn't find it.
     
  4. Centris Fan macrumors newbie

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    Upstate NY
    #4
    What is this Apple Computer and Redhat Linux atheists stuff supposed to be joking about?
     
  5. Over Achiever macrumors 68000

    Over Achiever

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    #5
    Re: Where the hell is this article?

    You actually searched? You've got to be kiddin' me! :D:D:D:D:D
     
  6. Kid Red macrumors 65816

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2001
    #6
    I couldn't get past the first sentence because it makes no sence.

    Sorry, but creative writing needs to makes sence in order to be read.
     
  7. MacCoaster macrumors 6502a

    MacCoaster

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    #7
    Re: Re: Where the hell is this article?

    Oops, forgot a smiley. I was trying to be sarcastic. :cool:
     
  8. Over Achiever macrumors 68000

    Over Achiever

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    #8
    lol...I know, I just had to make that comment.;)

    I'm not sure sickboy wrote it...I remember reading a similar "article" online somewhere...even my friends website has it on there. I doubt sickboy is my friend incognito...
     
  9. NavyIntel007 macrumors 65816

    NavyIntel007

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    #9
    Hey this post is just as true as apple going X86 anytime soon.
     
  10. Centris Fan macrumors newbie

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    Upstate NY
  11. sickboy_osX thread starter macrumors regular

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2002
    Location:
    Pocatello, Idaho
    #11
    The Truth about this article:

    Several years ago an article appeared on Newsgroups that Microsoft was going to buy the Cathlolic Church.

    I got bored last night, and re-wrote it. Some of the stuff in there you would have to be a Mormon to get (Or an Ex-Mormon as I am)

    Sickboy is not a swinger,
    I was just bored, and decided to kill some time while my fiance was sleeping

    It was posted last night on exmormon.org which is a "Recovery from mormonisim" website i have been frequenting.

    Anyways thats the story, and if you really did search the AP Wire, then you need some help

    It sounds nice though

    -Shon
     
  12. MacCoaster macrumors 6502a

    MacCoaster

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    Washington, DC / Rochester, NY / Lexington, NC
    #12
    Nah, I was being sarcastic.
     

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