Now That's Funny!

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by FFTT, Sep 9, 2006.

  1. FFTT macrumors 68030

    FFTT

    Joined:
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    Location:
    A Stoned Throw From Ground Zero
    #1
    This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.


    SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

    Dear Mr. DeVries:

    It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
    that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
    parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner
    and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

    Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams
    across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

    A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

    A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been
    issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is
    in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource
    and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
    sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

    The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
    failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream
    locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and
    cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and
    desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow
    condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream
    channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.

    Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that
    a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

    Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on
    the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..

    We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
    Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

    Sincerely,
    David L. Price
    District Representative and Water Management Division.


    Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

    Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

    Dear Mr. Price,

    Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to.
    I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane ,
    Trout Run, Pennsylvania .

    A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing
    and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my
    Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project,
    I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures
    building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to
    attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.
    I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam
    skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
    persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

    As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
    first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

    My first dam question to you is:
    (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
    (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

    If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the
    Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other
    applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see
    if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams,
    of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the
    Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania
    Compiled Laws, annotated.

    I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled
    to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute
    and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to
    provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that
    either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing
    flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department
    is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond
    Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

    If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please
    contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously
    did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

    In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
    their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green
    and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to
    live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources
    and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect
    the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

    So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
    referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait
    until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice
    then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to
    contact/harass them then.

    In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
    environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the
    bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely
    believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and
    leave the beavers alone.

    If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step!
    The bears are not careful where they dump!

    Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable
    to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this
    response to your dam office.


    THANK YOU.
    RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS :D
     
  2. EricNau Moderator emeritus

    EricNau

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  3. Xander562 macrumors 68000

    Xander562

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  4. zephead macrumors 68000

    zephead

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    #4
    That's a pretty good excuse for using the word "dam(n)" a lot. I'd love to see the state's response. :D
     
  5. tweakers_suck macrumors regular

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  6. sushi Moderator emeritus

    sushi

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  7. FFTT thread starter macrumors 68030

    FFTT

    Joined:
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    #7
    I'd never heard this before, great find Sushi.
     
  8. sushi Moderator emeritus

    sushi

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    #8
    Dam funny if you ask me! :D
     
  9. FFTT thread starter macrumors 68030

    FFTT

    Joined:
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    Location:
    A Stoned Throw From Ground Zero
    #9
    I'm pretty sure there's an Official MacRumors Joke Thread somewhere around these
    parts, but dam if I know. :D

    Feel free to add more mirth and merriment !
     
  10. MACDRIVE macrumors 68000

    MACDRIVE

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2006
    Location:
    Clovis, California
    #10
    LOL!!! LOL!!! LOL!!! OMG!!! I haven't laughed that hard in such a long time!!! I was already busting up by the second sentence of the response. :)
     
  11. Zwhaler macrumors 603

    Zwhaler

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  12. mkrishnan Moderator emeritus

    mkrishnan

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