Ok Now I need Love Advice! LOL

Discussion in 'Community' started by Brian0523, May 9, 2005.

  1. Brian0523 macrumors member

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2005
    #1
    Seriously. My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for four months now. We met online at a gay dating website. A two months ago I found him at a gay website where he had posted nude photos of himself, in an attempt to chat with other men. I confronted him with my findings, and he says he just likes seeing other peoples nude photos online, and he's not there to hookup with anyone or cheat on me. I explained that I felt it was disrespectful to me, and I asked him not to go back on that site - he agreed he wouldn't. Now two months have gone by since then, and I got a feeling this weekend that he was back online, so I went to the website to check up on him, and sure enough, there he is! He broke his promise.

    I don't know what to do. How do I know he's not cheating on me? And if he isn't cheating - doesn't advertising his nude photos online make it appear to others that he's "available"?

    I don't know what to do. He says he loves me. We have a great time together. He's my best friend. I'm so confused. Any help will be appreciated.
     
  2. pseudobrit macrumors 68040

    pseudobrit

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2002
    Location:
    Jobs' Spare Liver Jar
    #2
    Why would you waste another minute of your life with a guy who lies to you and treats you with such disrespect?
     
  3. mad jew Moderator emeritus

    mad jew

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2004
    Location:
    Adelaide, Australia
    #3
    Can you really expect him to keep promises if you show no trust in him? First of all, from his point of view, how did you come across the pictures in the first place? Secondly, if you don't trust him and feel you must keep an eye on him (like checking back at the nude chat site) then maybe you might be better off apart. Of course, that's really easy for me to say because I obviously don't get any of the 'good' parts of the relationship (probably good considering I'm hetro ;) ). After four months together, you're probably not at the stage where you can change his habits (of nude chatting or whatever) either. Talk it over and try to accept it as part of his life. Is it really that bad after-all?

    Sorry if this came across a bit harsh. Rereading it, it looks nasty, but I can't think of a better way to word it. Hopefully it's just one of those things that you'll both work through. :)
     
  4. sushi Moderator emeritus

    sushi

    Joined:
    Jul 19, 2002
    Location:
    キャンプスワ&#
    #4
    Totally agree.

    Relationships are built on trust. Trust is the foundation for all relationships. Try as you might, if you don't have trust in your relationship, you have nothing.

    Good luck with your difficult situation.

    Sushi
     
  5. mad jew Moderator emeritus

    mad jew

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2004
    Location:
    Adelaide, Australia
    #5
    Sure, you'll get heaps of members telling you to ditch him but it's way easier to be ruthless when we have no idea what you two experience. I've spent massive amounts of time and effort on crap relationships that didn't work out, but they were fun while they lasted. :)

    Just take a step back and see if you're enjoying going out with this boy.
     
  6. yellow Moderator emeritus

    yellow

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2003
    Location:
    Portland, OR
    #6
    I also agree with this assessment. You asked him not to, he promised he wouldn't and broke his promise. Supposing you confronted him again and made him promise again? Would you believe it? You're a sucker if you do. Kick him to the curb.
     
  7. clayj macrumors 604

    clayj

    Joined:
    Jan 14, 2005
    Location:
    visiting from downstream
    #7
    As someone who just received a ton of very good advice from the folks here, I would recommend the following: Tell him the pictures go, or you do. If he really loves you, he'll do as you ask. If he doesn't, then it seems apparent he's looking for the BBD (Bigger Better Deal) and is only biding time with you until the BBD comes along.

    The people who question you because you went and caught him cheating have gotten hold of the wrong end of the stick. Trusting someone doesn't mean you can't check up on them; everyone needs reassurance from time to time.
     
  8. Mr. Durden macrumors 6502a

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2005
    Location:
    Colorado
    #8
    I think it depends on how badly you want the rlationship to work out. If you really want to try to work through this, confront him and see if you two can work out a compromise.

    However, this could be just a sign of things to come. Its more likely that he will refuse to stop and eventually take that "next" step of hooking up with someone he meets online (if he hasnt already).

    Just my two cents. This early in the relationship, I'd say dump him.
     
  9. emw macrumors G4

    emw

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2004
    #9
    I also agree with the majority here - he hasn't shown that he deserves your trust (although I admit I'm a little confused as to how you first found him in that online chat room). You've given him a second chance, and he couldn't stick to his promise, which to me indicates he's probably not willing to change for you.

    Move on.
     
  10. aloofman macrumors 68020

    aloofman

    Joined:
    Dec 17, 2002
    Location:
    Socal
    #10
    I think the main offense is the broken promise to stop. You don't say whether his initial trolling of gay sites was permitted within the understanding of your relationship or whether it was even addressed before. Some couples are more open about that kind of thing and what limits they place. And it's common that someone can goof in a relationship because it didn't occur to him/her that something would bother his/her partner, even if it seems obvious in hindsight.

    But he now knows that it bothered you and he promised to stop because you asked him to. Part of his explanation has to include why he's going there. If it were really about seeing nude photos, he can do that on a million sites without subscribing or corresponding with anyone. He needs to come clean on what his intentions are.

    Even if he comes clean and promises again not to do it, you will have to issue an ultimatum that you will follow through with. If you swear it can't happen again, then take him back again when it does, then he'll know he can get away with it forever. Don't tell him the website goes or you go unless you're willing and able to do it. Life's too short to waste emotions on liars.
     
  11. AmigoMac macrumors 68020

    AmigoMac

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    Aug 5, 2003
    Location:
    l'Allemagne
  12. leekohler macrumors G5

    leekohler

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2004
    Location:
    Chicago, Illinois
    #12
    Sounds like you've both made mistakes and it seems like you don't trust him, nor does he you. I would also step back and look hard at the situation, see if you can deal with him having these photos online (because I doubt he'll stop), and go from there.
     
  13. kolache macrumors member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2005
    Location:
    Dallas, TX
    #14
    Brian, your situation reminds me of one my boyfriend and I went through a few years ago. He caught me using a site similar to one your boyfriend was on. I had no intention of hooking up with anyone...I just wanted an ego boost. I loved the attention that I was getting from other guys that would compliment my nude pics (I know that sounds pretty pathetic), and of course, I liked looking at the other guys as well.

    Anyway, he was really hurt that I would go to an outside source to get sexual gratification. This resulted not only in a loss of trust, but also a feeling that he was inadequate. It took us a very long time to work all of this out. Things are better now. Relationships are a constant work in progress, and everyone's situation is different. Trust, however, is probably the most important element.

    I can't tell you what to do (even though I did initially in the post above that I edited), but it will have to require a lot of work from both of you. Sometimes even if you know you're right, you may have to sacrifice something if you value the relationship. A good gay man is very hard to find.

    Good luck.
     
  14. scem0 macrumors 604

    scem0

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2002
    Location:
    back in NYC!
    #15
    Tell him you are thinking seriously about dumping him, and give him honest reasons why. Don't dump him without talking about it first.

    scem0
     
  15. Chip NoVaMac macrumors G3

    Chip NoVaMac

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2003
    Location:
    Northern Virginia
    #16
    {Forgive the long post, but it may provide more insight for your situation.}

    Lots of great advice here.

    Take it from me, run - don't walk away.

    Some may know of my troubles with my 13 year relationship, that just ended.

    I had thought Teddy and I were lovers and best friends. With his troubles coming to a head this weekend, I found out that the man I loved, the man I was fighting for the right to marry, the man I gave my heart, soul, and my financial future (loans to help bail him out of bad credit card debit - done after 9+ years together) to - lied since the very beginning.

    He lied about about details about his family (what jobs his father had, being born out of wedlock, his brother being dumb as dirt [reality his brother is his equal in grades], and so much more). He lied about having a theater career (touring companies and such) - just did community and local dinner theater. He lied about where he went to school, and his major. He lied that I was out of work for 4 years, and he was sole support for the two of us.

    On Friday night, in just two short hours talking with his mom, I had my heart emptied. Not torn out, but just left empty. No pain, just a sense of loss.

    (Some may question my recent posts about being happy that he was returning to the area to seek treatment. Maybe I have a character flaw that does not allow me to wish ill on even the lowest of the low that I know personally. I am truly happy that he is getting treatment, and hope that it might make him a better person down the road - for I don't like seeing anyone that is on a self-destructive path, and that is where he was headed recently. For he may have lied over the last years, I haven't.)

    He too cheated on me back in the late summer of 2001. It was just days before 9-11 that I found a love letter from his "trick". We were waring at that point. after my discovery. Then 9-11, his "trick" did not try to call him at all that week. The horror of that day, brought us together like so many other families at the time. He seemed sincere that he was sorry for what he had done. I now know that it may have been all part of his "game".

    To be honest by 2001, I may have not been the best lover out there. I had made the switch to a retail job that gave me odd hours. I also readily admit that I fall victim to the "new relationship" sex - very frequent. But as the relationship ages, I find that quality time is more important. And that badgering for sex, will not lead to more sex. [Sorry if this is too much TMI :) ] Romance means so much more.

    More direct to your topic. There may be more to his issues than you think. Some are addicted to sex with multiple partners. Some want "different" sex then what their lover can or is willing to provide. Communication is the key here. For myself, things might have been different about his cheating, if he had openly communicated his needs or concerns - NOT THE REST OF THE CRAP. There maybe compromises, depending on your moral values (and before some pre-judge, these moral value adjustments also happen in the straight community - witness the straight swingers clubs, and the blind eye that wives give their husbands).

    To be fair to him, just posting a nude image does not mean that he was cheating the strictest of terms - a face to face meeting. It may have been an online only encounter thing. Whether this is "cheating" is a discussion for another thread.

    In either case, it seems that you are wise to reconsider your relationship with.
     
  16. crap freakboy macrumors 6502a

    crap freakboy

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2002
    Location:
    nar in Gainsborough, me duck
    #17
    Oh pleeeese, isnt there agony aunt websites, or family, friends you can ask advice from? Don't get me wrong its sad youre going through this but asking advice from strangers on a mac forum seems rather desperate to me. I know, I know, perhaps I'm being harsh but I'm getting really bored of 'Need emotional guidance from people I don't know' threads. If I need a car fixed I go to a mechanic, need Mac advice I visit here etc etc

    Now after that rant...heres more advice from a stranger, he's a tramp, dump him, you can't trust him or change him for that matter. Stop being the victim ffs and move on. :D
     
  17. PlaceofDis macrumors Core

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2004
    #18

    ah but getting advice from those outside the situation is often the most reliable advice....
     
  18. leekohler macrumors G5

    leekohler

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2004
    Location:
    Chicago, Illinois
    #19
    I agree. They're removed from the situation and have no emotional involvement. Strangers can be a bit more objective.
     
  19. Chip NoVaMac macrumors G3

    Chip NoVaMac

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2003
    Location:
    Northern Virginia
    #20
    To be honest, the online world is replacing the "real" world for many. Also there are many of us that have some good "friends" here on MR that we might consider closer than some others. Add too that the anonimionty that the internet provides.

    Also add there are many of us that would be more than happy to provide you advice on your car woes, without judgment. This is what truly makes MR unique among many other forums on a variety of topics.

    I might suggest that if you want Mac only topics, with no sense of community, you might want to look elsewhere. Or that you ignore the human side of this site.
     
  20. Chip NoVaMac macrumors G3

    Chip NoVaMac

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2003
    Location:
    Northern Virginia
    #21
    As is in my case, no matter how extreme it might seem.
     
  21. Chip NoVaMac macrumors G3

    Chip NoVaMac

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2003
    Location:
    Northern Virginia
    #22
    Not that pathetic as you might think.

    Another admission that I will make is that I WAS addicted to porn images. One from the "number of images that I could collect", the other was that I spent my "formative" years as a 200 to 300 pound guy in JR or SHS. For me it was a numbers game, but also wishing that I could be 150 pounds and with a full head of hair, and no back hair. Being desirable to those that I desired to be like.

    It took me a while, but I say F*** Y** if you are not able to accept me as I am.
     
  22. rockthecasbah macrumors 68020

    rockthecasbah

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2005
    Location:
    Moorestown, NJ
    #23
    dump that schmuck, the right person will come along!
     

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