Once again I hate life and all it's worth

Discussion in 'Community' started by iJon, Apr 23, 2005.

  1. iJon macrumors 604


    Feb 7, 2002
    Well some of you might remember about a year ago when I made a thread about my best friend dying in a car wreck of a car I was driving. I don't post too much on the boards but I like coming here for comfort when bad things happen. I just like you guys. This is a long post, lots of profranity, hopefully the filters will fix it so I don't. If not then the mods can delete this post and I will repost an edited version soon. It's a blog entry, detailed and emotional. I felt it was easier than writing everything over again. Thanks in advance for whatever soothing comments I might recieve soon.


    I hate ****ing God, I really do. Actually, I don't know if I can hate something that I don' even think exists. He will never let it end, the madness, sadness, tears, everything, it just won't end. Him, Jesus, the Bible, it can all go to ****ing hell. Everyone praises this being every Sunday, then go back to their daily lives. He doesn't do anything, he just gives hope to people cause they have nothing else to believe in. They like to think everything happens for a reason and it's a part of his big ****ing plan. I hate him and everything about him.

    After our Row Week party I decide to go to sleep because I'm tired from all the festivities. About thiry minutes into my sleep I get a phone call from an unreconized number. I answer it and it's Kim Johnson, Tommye's mom. She proceeds to say that she has some bad news. She than said my house was on fire, up in blazes, completely destroyed. I felt it was a dream but she asked me to drive down here after I assured her I hadn't been drinking. So I left the Pike house and drove on to my house. My average speed was 70-80mph and avoided every stop sign and traffic light. I pull into my neighborhood to be greated by red and blue lights. The same ****ing blue and red lights I experienced when I saw my best friend dead in the grassy plains in the night. My house up in flames and I don't know why. I walk emotionless to the officers and ask where my parents were. They were across the street in the motorhome. I noticed all the cars had been pulled out and driven away. I walk in and I don't know what to think. I asked what happened and they think our new gas grill exploded. My mom explained to me the scenario of the bursts of flames, sent me into a twilight of images that could only come from a movie.

    Everything gone and I don't know what to think. I remember going home earlier that day. Playing with my ferrets that I love deeply, now gone is the rubbles of the fire. Parents and the dogs are okay but everything else gone. Pictures, valuables, even my passport which will be needed for a trip to Thailand later next month. All of it ****ing gone and for what. When's enough enough. It's been a year and a half and I was at my peak in life and now this. What is the point of even trying in life. Eventually it's just going to catch up and kill me, or make life so bad you will want to die. I can sit here and say "well, it's part of God's plan" but that would be ****ing stupid because that's exactly what it is, stupid.

    Yes things can be replaced but still, is that what it has to come to. I didn't even know what to do. I just stared into the flames at a daze, trying to take it all in like it was a dream. I looked at my room melt away. Wondering why the fire department had to take 15 minutes to arrive at my god damn house, not that it would have mattered, that would have made to much sense. I called Michael, I knew he would have good words to say, I know his situation, **** like this happens and there isn't anything you can say. No one can be like "Oh yeah, I remember when my house burned down." I called Monica but she didn't believe me so I hung up on the bitch. All my other friends that I could call were off drunk or ****ing someone so I couldn't do that. I just proceeded to stare more, wondering if it was a dream, but soon realizing it wasn't.

    Now I sit here at the Pike house, now my only house for probably a while. I told my mom how I can't stay here and watch these flames, all it does it **** with me. Told her I was going back to the frat and I will be at work in the morning. I wonder what my brothers will say, will they be understanding, will they not know what to say, who knows. What will friends say, even better, what will people who I haven't talked to in a long time say. I know a few friends I will tell to **** off when they ask me about the situation just cause they talk behind my back. I'm already sick of talking about this ****ing subject.

    God, go **** yourself. Frosty, Sissy, Dusty: I love you guys, even though you were goofy ferrets who caused trouble, you were my ferrets and when I was younger the only people to talk to. I hope it wasn't painful and I will miss you.

  2. Patmian212 macrumors 68020


    Apr 11, 2004
    Sorry to hear it. I know I cant really comfort you and I cant say I kow what your feeling. But things will start looking up! After all your family is ok!
    Im really sorry.
    Hang in there jon

  3. 840quadra Moderator


    Staff Member

    Feb 1, 2005
    Twin Cities Minnesota
    I am truly sorry for your loss.

    God or not, remember how good it is that your faimily is still alive, and so are you! I have had some minor tragities in my growing up, including a 2 year stint in Foster care after my mom had a bad reaction to doctor prescribed medicine and decided to take off for Canada! (I still don't like the medical profession to this day, and my mom is PART of it). After that point in my life (I was in 2nd grade) I learned the importance of family.

    Anyway, try to think about the better things, going on in your life.. Passports and such can be replaced, and in your situation the process of getting some of your pieces put back into your life can be a building process that will hopefully take your mid off of the past, and give you a chance for a fresh start down a unique or new path.

    Hope things go better! And yes life IS still worth living!!
  4. robbieduncan Moderator emeritus


    Jul 24, 2002
    Wow. That truly sucks. Not surprised you are more than upset. Just remember that almost everything you have lost were only things. Your family are a safe. That's the most important thing. You have had a streak of really bad luck but things will get better.

    You are young, at college and have lots to look forward to. Try not to get too down.

    {more hugs}
  5. Blue Velvet Moderator emeritus

    Jul 4, 2004
    Sometimes words aren't enough but you WILL put your life back together, because others will be around to help and support you.
  6. SpaceMagic macrumors 68000


    Oct 26, 2003
    Cardiff, Wales
    Dear Jon,

    Life can be sh*t sometimes and for some people it can be even sh*tter. Not only have you lost your friend you have lost your house and your pets. Let no one tell you how trivial the lives of your ferrets were, because they should be respected as much as any other creature.

    I want to make it clear to you, I do not believe in God. I wouldn't call myself an atheist but nor would I say I'm religious. Please do not get angry with what I am about to say and give me the courtesy as to read what I am about to right.

    Do not blame God. It is a common misrepresentation of many churches that God has a direct effect on our lives. He does not. This theory that "it's part of his plan" is just as you say - stupid. It clearly states that the World was created for us and we were given free will in the Bible. It is therefore the fault of our own if there is anything bad in the world. People who say "where was god" during 9/11 are using him as a scapegoat. Something I cannot believe I'm hearing after reading the Passion narratives where Jesus was himself used as a scapegoat.

    Man, do not hate god, for he has done nothing wrong and you are just finding someone to blame. The house burning down was an accident, not God trying to tell you something. When life knocks you down the only thing we can do is get up and try again. You'll be admired a whole lot for it in the end not only by people but also by the "God," to which you keep referring.

    However, if you truely believe that it is God who is setting you back then please take time to read the book of "Job" for he was knocked back over and over again but remained faithful to God. In the end he was rewarded.

    I don't want to sound patronising, but having read most of the Bible it pains me to see people blaming a faultless God. If you are blaming him, they you truely believe he exists, then you'll be caught up forever hating someone who gave you the chance to live in the first place. If you do not believe anything I have said, then stop blaming God, for you cannot deny his existance yet blame him for everything. This is not fair or just.

    You still have your parents, you still have your friends, you still have your memories. Stand up for yourself, put your, quite frankly, sh*t past where it belongs and find new spirit in life. You only live here once make the most of it.

    Other than that, I feel your pain. You're right, my house has never burnt down, I haven't have a mate die and i'd probably be feeling like you right now. Please remember, life is short and there are good people out there. You don't need friends who'd rather by sh*gging women rather than consoling you. I hope these hard times end soon, and thank you for sharing your pain with us and trusting we could help.
  7. stubeeef macrumors 68030


    Aug 10, 2004
    Your in my thoughts. I'm very sorry, and all I can offer is hope.
  8. mkrishnan Moderator emeritus


    Jan 9, 2004
    Grand Rapids, MI, USA
  9. skunk macrumors G4


    Jun 29, 2002
    Republic of Ukistan
    I'm just really sorry about the ferrets. Life is a bitch.
  10. CelticBhoy macrumors member

    Jan 27, 2004
    I didn't know the background to what's been happening in your life the past year, Jon, but I was really sad when I read your story. Everyone on this board will have tragedies during their lifetime. Guaranteed. Life is fragile. The complex society we live in brings us many benefits, but also brings up strife and heartache. I've known deep pain in my life, but in different ways to you.

    Life seems so unfair at times, as we've all experienced, but yours seems so much harder to take, harder to bear. None of us are guaranteed an easy life, cos life is not easy. It's full of joy and hope and love, of new birth and new beginnings. It's also full of the negations of these things.

    It's how we deal with the bad times that give us a measure of our character. I've read enough to see that you will come through this latest sad period, simply because you have done so already. Hang on in there. Bad times may / will come in your life again, but deal with them with character, dignity and resolve.


    PS I believe in God, but I'm not going to dare try and give some kind of explanation as to why these things have happened to you. Life has taught me that.
  11. obeygiant macrumors 68040


    Jan 14, 2002
    totally cool
  12. munkle macrumors 68030


    Aug 7, 2004
    On a jet plane
    I'm so sorry to hear your story Jon, I wish there was something I could say.

    Hang in there, you will get through this.

  13. Platform macrumors 68030


    Dec 30, 2004
    Deeply sorry to hear that.........but you will get trough it..you will get back on your feet.


    Hope thing will go better for you in the future.
  14. iGary Guest


    May 26, 2004
    Randy's House
  15. leekohler macrumors G5


    Dec 22, 2004
    Chicago, Illinois
    Wow. All I can tell you is that I've been through a lot of crap too: my brother's suicide, the loss of numerous friends to AIDS (the 80's) and cancer, friends hit by drunk drivers. You will get through this. No matter how you feel right now, just remember it'll get better.
  16. iJon thread starter macrumors 604


    Feb 7, 2002
    Thanks for the words guys. I know I will get through it, it's all possessions that can be replaced. Insurance will pay for a lot of it and who knows, that gas grill exploding might be a lawsuit or something, doesn't really matter. It's just still hard to believe, all kind of surreal. No telling what I will be looking for in the next month or so and realize I don't have it anymore. My ferrets I miss, they have been my pets since 8th grade, and they thought of those little things in that fire kills me inside,bad. My passport I don't even know if I will be able to get replaced before May 15 for my trip to Thailand. I think my mom is more hurt over anything. She had so many memories and things saved in the attic, all my baby pictures, every little thing she worked so hard on. My dad was much better, he was in the kitchen of our neighbors enjoying some coffee and talking. Most of my stuff I enjoy was not at the house simply cause I live in my fraternity, so all my clothes, electronics and so forth are fine. Sometimes I just want to crawl under a rock and pretend these things don't happen.

  17. iJon thread starter macrumors 604


    Feb 7, 2002
    Interesting and informative post. Your right, I'm probably being hypocritical, it's just last night was real bad, didn't know what to think or do, still don't.

    I do love life and realize I only live it once, it's just these speed bumps make it hard, real hard sometimes. The wreck was hard enough to live with, at least a fire isn't something I did or my family, just an error on the grill's part. Thanks for your info.

  18. EGT macrumors 68000


    Sep 4, 2003
    Argh ... that is awful. I hope you feel better soon :(

    Just over a year ago my sister moved to Belfast in Northern Ireland. She had just moved into her new house with her boyfriend and six year old boy. She'd taken all her furniture and valued possesions with her and she had everything looking brilliant. Such a lovely house it was too.
    About a week after i had visited, during the night, i got a phone call saying her house was burnt down by a gang of youths who'd broken into the back garden and set the oil tank alight, which was unfortunatly right up against the house. They were no older than 14 or 15. Little bastards.
    They were very lucky to get out alive. Everything was just ... gone. Cast Iron furniture just melted away. There was nothing left.

    All three of them are much better now. I think the experiance made them stronger. It was so diffiuclt for her coming to terms with loosing everything.

    Best wishes to you and your family. Things will get better.
  19. iJon thread starter macrumors 604


    Feb 7, 2002
    That's terrible. Good thing that didn't happen to me or there would be some disabled 15 y/o's in my yard. I don't know what this will do to me. My wreck made me so much stronger but it still kills me that my best friend had to suffer the loss of his twin brother cause of a car I was driving, it will be the deepest hole in my life until something worse happens. My parents will either build their dream house or buy a nice new house with all nice new things and life will go on. My mom's pictures and things saved for years will be gone but life goes on.

    This event plus my recent trip to Egypt and my trip to Thailand coming could very well change me even more. I tend to be very materialistic, just the way I have been brought up. I also think of one of my customers, who last year had their house burn down, but they their daughter didn't make it out. I feel fortunate in that aspect.

    My mom just told me today I need to start making a list of thigns that need to be replaced. Only things I can really think of is my camera and huge collection of DVD's. Also my neighbor informed me today that the consulant can overnight me a new passport which is great news.

  20. pseudobrit macrumors 68040


    Jul 23, 2002
    Jobs' Spare Liver Jar
    I'd get on the passport right away.

    I'm sorry to hear about your ferrets, but you must be grateful that your parents are okay.

    I started reading your post and I thought, "oh, no; his parents died in a fire."

    Then I read they were okay. I'd be thanking God that my parents are still alive, not cursing him for burning up my stuff. You lost your ferrets, and I know how much it hurts to lose a pet (I've lost two dogs and my bird in the past year or so), but most of your anger seems to be about the material things.

    I'll put myself in your shoes for a minute and let you know how I feel:
    It's frustrating to think of all the things you've lost, yes. Many things of sentimental value that cannot be replaced, many things of practical value that you'll need (records, documents) and many things of material value that cost a lot of money.

    But you've got your family, man, and that's all that matters in the end. You need to put aside your anger about the irreplaceable stuff that's gone from your life and realise you've still got Mom & Dad, the two most irreplaceable people in your life, and put that in perspective.
  21. iJon thread starter macrumors 604


    Feb 7, 2002
    Agreed, I don't think it's more of material things. It's more of the situation as a whole. It's still home and lots of memories, documents from our business, everything that has been in our family is gone and it's not like my car wreck. I can't go to the lot and pick up a new car. It's much more serious and it's just a terrible process for us. My mom has to call clothes companies and get things replaced. We basically have this 40ft Winiie motorhome for them to live in for the time being, but nothing to put in it clothes or living wise. It will take a while but I agree, we are okay and life goes on.

  22. SpaceMagic macrumors 68000


    Oct 26, 2003
    Cardiff, Wales
    It's good to see your more positive today :). Tis great. I didn't want to sound too pushy before.. just didn't think God deserved the blame?
  23. CanadaRAM macrumors G5


    Oct 11, 2004
    On the Left Coast - Victoria BC Canada
    Hi Jon

    You are intelligent, and articulate, and you have taken the first steps to recovering from a hurtful loss.

    Gather your support around you, go easy on the ones who weren't "there" for you on the night (ESP is a fickle thing after all), and take a deep breath.

    When you're ready, ask yourself what you can do to actively support yoursef and your parents. I think you're already there, getting the passport and stuff sorted out.

    As you have figured out, our life in the future is always irrevocably changed by what happens today; that's a continual process, and the only future that has really been lost is the one we imagined for ourselves.

    Your future is always full of potential - travel to Thailand sounds like an adventure and an opportunity. Give yourself a bit of time to adjust to the new arrray of options you now have.

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