BeOS was like the super smart, friendly, sexy girl you lusted over and never asked out. She's either married, or dead. OS/2 was like that beautiful college associate professor who committed suicide before you could ask her out because she was a crazy recluse whose professors told her she would be passed over for promotion yet again. Windows 3.1 was like the drug-using, binge-drinking floozy who you never saw again after your sophmore year in high school, probably because she got sent to some juvenile detention center somewhere. Linux is like that smart, highly-opinionated redhead girlfriend you had who you thought was lovable and basically good until you found out she was a member of the Earth Liberation Front. Mac OS X is like the geeky girl at school who shed her braces and became a total hottie - and still wants to spend all her time hanging around with you. Mac OS Classic is like that one girl in early childhood class who you thought was kinda cute until you reminded yourself that she was retarded and permanently attached to a feeding tube. Windows XP is like that incorrigible flirt perfectly willing to sleep around with anyone and everyone, and who probably has. She wears all the latest fashions, smears her face with layers upon layers of make-up, and is one of the most popular girls in school, but none of her relationships last any longer than two weeks. GNU/Hurd is like the schizophrenic and insane loud-mouth hemp-wearing militant socialist lesbian feminist on campus who refuses to bathe or to shave her armpits, and who didn't vote for Ralph Nader in the last U.S. presidential election because she thought he was too conservative. OpenBSD is like the 250-pound chain-smoking, bandana-wearing biker chick who could kick most guys' asses, and indeed has. NetBSD is the nice, but slightly unpopular, girl who is friends with many of the guys but who cannot manage to make herself physically attractive to any of them even though she is reasonably intelligent and good-looking. FreeBSD is like the arrogant, ultra-competitive, long-legged babe who was the top performer on the high school track team, but who finished second place in the state track meet and refused to rest until she got revenge. QNX is like that one girl in 11th grade math class who you swear could not have possibly been more than four feet tall. MVS was like that woman you read about in the Guiness Book of World Records. You know, the one who had to have the door frame to her bedroom cut away in order for the twelve firemen sent in to take her off to be able to get her out of her house. Of course, she subsequently died a miserable death months later, crushed under her own weight. Richard Simmons spoke tearfully at her funeral. MS-DOS was like the part-animal, part-zombie woman you saw on that one 20/20 documentary about mental institutions. The walls of her cell had to be covered in foam rubber to prevent her from injuring herself by repeatedly banging her head into them. OpenStep was like the aging, unattainable, depressed former supermodel who shared her enormous mansion with her 42 cats until she was hit with a stroke of inspiration and decided to try and make something of herself again. Windows 95, 98, and Me were all like that one perky football cheerleader who in all truth was empty and moronic, and probably bulemic, not to mention incessantly irritating. She had a laugh like a sick osprey, and she smoked a pack a day before age 18. When asked why, she replied, "Like, I dunno." Solaris is like the ass-kicking alpha female who takes **** from nobody. She pulls in a six-figure salary as an advertising executive, and she wears cat glasses and revealingly sexy business suits. Her taste is for European men - preferably European men who drive Lamborghinis and are willing to pay her astronomical cell phone bills. AIX is like that woman who you just know used to be an ass-kicking alpha female, but since she lost the promotion she was counting on and chose to go back to her old job as a visiting professor at Princeton, she just hasn't been the same. Windows 2000 is like that recovering crack addict you know who assured you she had been clean for a whole year until positive results came back from the employment drug test at Wal-Mart. IRIX is like that girl who... Oh, god. That poor, poor girl. It's such a shame, and you'd think they'd pass some legislation or something! HP/UX is like the stupid superficial girl who always says she wants to date "nice guys" but ends up dating the jerks anyway. Then she cries on the shoulders of her nice guy friends and doesn't get the hint when she asks what she's doing wrong and the nice guy says, "You're dating a jerk, that's what you're doing wrong! You do know that I'm single, right?" RISC OS is like that one girl you once knew who had an absolutely awesome figure but the most hideous face you could ever imagine. AmigaOS is like that one Scientologist woman who will just not shut up about the return of Xenu.