Please correct me if I'm wrong...

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by jogo23, Oct 22, 2006.

  1. jogo23 macrumors newbie

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2004
    Location:
    Germany, Europe, World
    #1
    Hi everybody,

    I'm having an English test for University tomorrow and as English is not my mother tongue I would like some native speakers to correct the fully fictional text I wrote for this threat. I just want to make myself feel more confident as this test is really important for my further studies (eventhough I think it's not gonna be really hard). Here we go...

    "What is it all about to go out at night, get completely wasted and wake up in someone else's bed completely sure that you never heard this person's name before. What is the point in this game? Why do you want to play it over and over again? Why do you need someone lying next to you while you're sleeping you never plan to see again? Why do you wanna smell someone's hung over morning breath when you couldn't even stand that smell when you were still with your last girlfriend? One might say it's the hormons that are playing tricks on your mind in a certain time in your life at a certain stage on your way to adolescence. Others might say it's about to proof yourself you're just as cool as your buddies. This post teenage behaviour is for sure one of the most confusing points in young people's attitude. But what else do you expect people to do in college as it is their last chance to break out before they trade in their carelessness for a constant pursuit of prosperity and values."

    Please don't care about the the content too much. Just look for spelling mistakes and grammatical issues.
     
  2. NJuul macrumors 6502

    Joined:
    Mar 15, 2006
    Location:
    Boston
    #2
    Use it or waste it.
    I obviously have too much time on my hands today.

    What is the purpose of going out at night, getting completely wasted and waking up in someone else's bed knowing full well that you have never heard this person's name before. What is the point of this game? Why do you want to play it over and over again? Why do you need someone lying next to you while you are sleeping that you never plan on seeing again? Why do you want to smell someones hung over morning breath when you could not even stand that smell when you were still with your last girlfriend? One might say it is the hormones that are playing tricks on your mind at a certain time in your life at a certain stage on your way to adolescence. Others might say it is about proving to yourself you are just as cool as your buddies. This post teenage behaviour is for sure one of the most confusing aspects in young people's attitude. But what else do you expect people to do in college as it is their last chance to break out before they trade in their carelessness for a constant pursuit of prosperity and values.
     
  3. iSaint macrumors 603

    iSaint

    Joined:
    May 26, 2004
    Location:
    South Mississippi y'all, near the water!
    #3
    I think it is well written. I made few changes, and a couple of corrections. It's a bit too wordy in some places. Just my opinion...

    What is the purpose of going out at night, getting completely wasted and waking up in someone else's bed knowing full well that you have never heard this person's name before? What is the point this game? Why do you want to play it over and over again? Why do you need someone lying next to you while you are sleeping that you never plan on seeing again? Why do you want to smell someone’s hung over morning breath when you could not even stand that smell when you were with your last girlfriend?

    One might say the hormones are playing tricks on your mind while on your way to adolescence. Others might say it is about proving to yourself that you are just as cool as your buddies. This post-teenage behavior is for sure one of the most confusing aspects in young people's attitude. But, what else do you expect people to do in college? It is their last chance to break out before they trade in their carelessness for a constant pursuit of prosperity and values.
     
  4. mduser63 macrumors 68040

    mduser63

    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2004
    Location:
    Salt Lake City, UT
    #4
    I'll take a stab at it. I'm a native English speaker, not that that means much. I've bolded my changes to NJuul's revision.

    What is the purpose of going out at night, getting completely wasted and waking up in someone else's bed knowing full well that you have never heard this person's name before. What is the point of this game? Why do you want to play it over and over again? Why do you need someone lying next to you while you are sleeping that you never plan on seeing again? Why do you want to smell someone's morning breath when you could not even stand that smell when you were still with your last girlfriend? One might say it is the hormones that are playing tricks on your mind at a certain time in your life (ED NOTE: adolescents are younger than college age). Others might say it is about proving to yourself that you are just as cool as your buddies. This post-teenage behaviour is definitely one of the most confusing aspects of young people's attitude. But what else do you expect people to do in college as it is their last chance to break out before they trade in their carelessness for the constant pursuit of prosperity and values.

    There are still some weird things about this paragraph. Not necessarily grammatical errors, but sentences and phrasing that most native English speakers wouldn't use. As a speaker of a second language myself (Japanese), I understand how difficult it is to learn a new language, so I'm not criticizing, I'm just letting you know.
     
  5. CanadaRAM macrumors G5

    CanadaRAM

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2004
    Location:
    On the Left Coast - Victoria BC Canada
    #5
    Correction in red. Well, OK I editorialized a bit too...
     
  6. jogo23 thread starter macrumors newbie

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2004
    Location:
    Germany, Europe, World
    #6
    Thanks a lot for the support, I really appreciate it.
    But could someone give me a feedback if my grammar and use of vocabulary makes sense so far (I know it's hard because you only got this little paragraph)? If you ever need some support in German feel free to let me know!
     
  7. MacNut macrumors Core

    MacNut

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2002
    Location:
    CT
    #7
    It makes sense and is very well written, but it sounds kinda stiff like its just spoken word for word. I have seen a lot worse so I would say its a good stating point.

    What Im saying is that it lacks emotion.
     
  8. jogo23 thread starter macrumors newbie

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2004
    Location:
    Germany, Europe, World
    #8
    I wrote the the whole thing in maybe 5 minutes because there was a trace of anxiety hitting me as I was thinking about tomorrow's test. So I just wrote it down how it was bubbling out of my mind. No "formal" filter, sorry:)
     
  9. MacNut macrumors Core

    MacNut

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2002
    Location:
    CT
  10. ®îçhå®? macrumors 68000

    ®îçhå®?

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2006
    #10
    It didnt sound too bad to me and the things that did, the others have corrected.
     
  11. Lau Guest

    #11
    I think it sounds really good; it sounds natural, and it's obvious from that and the posts you've made that you're pretty fluent in English. It's also a hell of a lot better than a lot of writing I've seen on this forum from people whose first language is English, and you can be very proud of that. I think you'll be absolutely fine in the test, so don't worry too much.
     

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